A Lost Relationship

Writing this short story was one of the hardest things I have had to bring myself to do......or more so, thinking about the subject. Yet I believe that sharing my thoughts was the only way the water-works I was previously suffering through, would subside.

My mother & father were never married, yet had two daughters together; my little sister & I. My mom is about 13 years my father's junior. When she had me she was 25 years old, then three years after she had my sister.  Most of what I can remember, we(encluding my father at the time) lived with my grandma. Though I have been informed that there were previous homes, we moved in with my grandma because she was living alone with multiple health problems. I think that we also moved here because she lives in a nice, safe neighborhood(Our homes before were more ghetto) There was five of us; my grandma, mom, dad, Briana(my sister) & me. At the time I adored  my family, & loved my father as much as a five year old could(about how old I was) But it was because of my young age that I failed to be told some things.

In later years I would notice my father would disappear for a some period of time, then just happen to show up once again. No one told me & my sister that he was always in & out of jail & has drug problems. Soon he just started fading away from me....us. Apparently there was some custody battle that I don't remember. Obviously my mom kept me & my sister, & my dad could visit us supervised, once every two weeks. But for some reason that stopped. I think it might have been because he was in prison.

Since then he has moved to live somewhere in the U.S. Virgin Islands, & comes back to the states every summer for about a week or so. I have seen him once after he moved to the islands, while my sister has seen him all the times he comes back for the summer. This is because I choose not to see him. It feels awkward to have to call him dad, & he is so.......werid. He looks scary, coming with his long, messy, black hair, & waring a hat with large feathers coming out of it, making him look like Captain Hook from "Peter Pan". But Briana wants to see him, & the only reason she ever gives as to why......is because he is our daddy. But she dosn't relize that whenever he comes back, we; his family, are the ones he visits last, because he is with his friends first. My mom told me that he is a great friend; the guy who brings the beer, but he will neglect the people he is suppose to love.

Before recently I have been void of emotion to my father. My attitude with him was more like, "Eh, whatever..." That was until the day I was looking through old pictures. I came across a picture of me & my dad, & I started to wonder if he'll ever start a new family. Before I knew it, the tears started flowing uncontrolably. I couldn't stop until I woke up my sister. Through tears I told her that all this time I wasn't letting myself feel for our dad. After confessing my chest felt so much lighter, & my crying soon stopped.

I  spent so meny years avoiding my father, & in that way we're alike. It is so painfully ironic that we can be so much like the one we hate. I remember when I loved him & thought he loved us back, & that is what hurts. It might be typical for the child to blame themself as to why their parents have split.....but I can't help but wonder "Why was I not good enough for him to stay?"

It is summer time again, & I hear my father is in town. I'm not sure if I want to see him & try to build a relationship with him again. Something is missing in me, but I'm not sure if seeing him will make me more complete.
 
jescafishead jescafishead
13-15, F
1 Response Jul 18, 2010

I'm sorry for your pain. Sometimes, even the ones we love the most are nothing more than poison. At least you can see through him, your sister seems to see past his faults and accepts what he gives her. Maybe that is all she needs? Maybe you need more? Maybe he's not enough for you, maybe he should have been more of a person and own to his responsibility for not being there? Or you could confront him and ask him why he did what he did when you girls needed a real father? What's the worse that could happen? Abandonment? Again? At least you would have a straight answer and he would be confronted by the right person.