Why I Hate Walter Aka Dad

I don't only hate my father, I hate his whole family and what they believe in. My mom had or still has a thing for older men, so she met walter when she was 18 and I'm not sure how old is was. Anyway, they got together, he got her pregnant with me. I don't know how many miscarriages she had with him if any, but in total my mom has had four and I'm the unlucky one who made it even though I almost died when I was born. The reason why I'm giving you that info is because my mom didn't know she was pregnant until she was about three months along. So she told him that she was pregnant and he offered her money for an abortion and she refused. So he asked her if she was going to be like all the other Puerto Ricans and go on welfare (walter is black). I don't think she said anything to defend herself, but I know of a few things I would've said to him that would be of course racial.

Anyway my father wasn't much in my life at all. He would promise to get me over the weekend and wouldn't, or promise to buy me things and he wouldn't. It's like he didn't have an interest in me until I got older, which when I was 15 he did come back into my life. I was very young, stupid, and naive. I was happy that he wanted to be in my life, I was happy that he wanted to try to be my dad, I feel ashamed that I actually felt that way about him. The fact that he came back into my life didn't last long; I think before I turned 16 he had already left again. I turned to older men to replace him, I sought out to find the perfect daddy that would be better than him. When he left I started having a lot of sex with older men, and boys my age. The spring after I turned 17, he came back into my life again. Of course I was happy then because I was hoping that he'd really try this time.

Our relationship started out on the phone and he would call me. After about a few phone conversations, things went into a different direction. He started talking to me about boys and if I've been with any, if I was still a virgin. I wasn't a virgin anymore of course, and I told him that. I told him how many people I've slept with and how old they were. I told him about a 40 yr old I was with and that he was a good daddy and that I liked him a lot. walter seemed pleased to know that I was sleeping around with men but also he sounded a bit jealous. We talked about drugs and I've told him that I like to get high and drink. He came up with the idea for us to get high and drink together and at the time I thought it was ok until I talked to my 1st bf and one of my friends about how cool my dad is. They both had the assumption that my dad would try to have sex with me should I "party" with him. I was mad that they thought that way about my dad and I didn't believe them until my father would talk very sexual to me. There was this one time that he was watching a ***** and he was talking to me, and he asked me what I was wearing and I told him; he then said that I look just like the girl in the movie he's watching, and he started ******* off really hard and I could hear the noises in the background.

I knew all of his dirty secrets, and he knew all of mine as well, he knew what turned me on, and I knew what turned him on. When I was about 12, I would massage his back with my feet and I would stand on top of him, and he told me almost every time I massaged his back, he would get horny and turned. So badly I wanted to tell my mom how he was talking to me and how he felt about me, but I didn't because he said if I ever told anyone his secrets, he would tell mine, and I didn't want my mom to know anything I did behind her back because I know how she would feel.

My dad never came out and said that he wanted to have sex with me, but he didn't have to, I could tell and after him ******* off on the phone until he **** makes it that more obvious that he wants me. I never hung up on him or told him that I didn't want him to talk to me that way because he would tell on me, and I was scared if he did. I just wanted him to love me and be there for me, be a dad for me. At one point I thought about just getting high and drunk with him, give him what he wants just so he'd be a father to me, the kind of father I've always wanted and hoped for. I never drank or did any kind of drugs with him, and I'm happy that I didn't because I know that would screw me up even more than what I am now.

Anyway, I have a new daddy, he's 43 and I'm 22, and he's a good daddy. He's not the perfect daddy that I'm looking for, but he's my number one for sure, and I do love him a lot. I'm sure walter is jealous of him, but oh well... A while ago, I wrote an unsent letter to my dad, but I'll post that up on another day when I have more time. I think I wrote enough about him right now.
AspiringPersephone AspiringPersephone
22-25, F
Jul 22, 2010