My Life Would Be Better Without You

I wish my dad wasn't such a dumba**. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and I'm 20 now. I hate the fact that he lies to me, my mom and my brothers constantly. He just got terminated from his job as a trainer at a high school because he was caught drinking at school. The school offered him help since he's worked there for 13 years or so but he refused...or as he told my mom..."my phone was off and I didn't get the calls,"...bullcrap. He actually still hasn't admitted to any of us that he isn't working any more. My mom happened to find out because his mom tried to get a hold of him and called the school and they told him he hasn't worked there since December. DECEMBER! Now we don't have health insurance and his explanation was that once we were out of high school we couldn't stay on it. He didn't have the balls to tell us he got fired and no longer has health insurance. Actually, he never told us we didn't have it. I found out the hard way when I had to go to the doctor and they told us our group number or whatever wasn't on file!   

He's an alcoholic and has chewed tobacco since he was in high school. He recently had pancreatitis but still wont stop drinking. I really want to tell him to stop because it hurts me to see his life falling apart, but I can't grow a freaking backbone. I'm scared he'll get mad at me and we'll end up even further apart. It's like I don't even consider him my father anymore. I get embarrassed when I have to talk about him because I don't have a single good thing to say about him. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me and he NEVER went to any of my soccer games or band concerts when I was younger. He says it's because we never told him the dates and times, but we stopped telling him because he would never go anyways and my heart always broke a little more when he said he would come and he never did. I feel like he doesn't even care about us and we're just in his way. Sometimes at night (probably once a week) I just lay in my bed and cry. I think about all the things he never did and sometimes I wonder how much better my life would be without him. I cry for my mom too because she has to deal with him not paying child support and all of his lying. I just get so mad when I think about him! Sorry I'm just ranting but it feels good to get this off my chest....

My dad hasn't visited me once since I moved away for college. My mom has been down several times and her boyfriend has even come down a few times. It makes me sick just to think about him. Sometimes I hop he isn't around for my wedding because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. I wouldn't want to dance with him during the father-daughter dance. I don't want him to toast about my life that he knows NOTHING about. But on the other hand, I don't want him to die because I wouldn't want to make a eulogy about him. I wouldn't be able to say one good thing about him and I'd probably end up repeating everything I just said here. I feel bad for my younger brother because he has no clue about his dad. *sigh*

Now because of him I have commitment issues. I'm always scared I'll end up with someone like him and be miserable the rest of my life. I haven't told anyone, well except you guys, about any of this (not even my mom).  My friends have no clue what happens when they aren't around. It's like I'm living in a shell and they see one thing but inside it's Hell. The only good thing about having this s***face of a father is that I know what I don't want to be when I have a family. And because of him I have become an overly nice person who has a hard time getting mad at anyone (besides him). Although I'm not sure if it's me putting on a show so that people think I have a happy life or if I'm genuinely a nice person. Anyways...it's time for bed. Time to go cry my heart out again.

This isn't even the half of it but I don't want to bore anyone...so...thanks for reading...if you even got through the whole thing...ha
bjo890 bjo890
18-21
1 Response Aug 6, 2010

hate irresponsible dads. But don't let yourself suffer because of his actions. Try to find something postive in your life.