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Dear Dad, I Hate You

Dear Dad, I hate you. I've hated you for nearly as long as I can remember. Let me count the ways. I hate you for every time you attacked me vocally. You called me a loser, a nerd, a little *******, a rotten kid, a punk *** kid, a hypocrite, a drug using criminal, a Satan worshiper, and who knows how much else that I don't care to try to remember. You started me off to be a victim for my whole childhood. ****** is what the kids loved to call me, or just loser. You made me feel like I was worth nothing, like a piece of dog **** that no one could like. I was alone because you hated me first, and you made me hate myself. I resent you for brainwashing me into your religion when you have been nothing but a hypocrite yourself. Everyone in your family knows you are full of ****, that you don't mean a word of what you preach. You preach to everyone you meet, but I know that the words may be all over your filthy lips, but they're not in your heart. You don't even know what love is, or forgiveness, or truth, and any god that would put you on a throne in paradise is a god that I spit in the face of. I resent you for every time you struck me in anger. I resent you for every time you beat me for being hyperactive at church, hours later, after a terrifying ride home where I would beg God to make you forget. You never did forget, did you? How could you do that to a little child? You took out your anger on me, but I guess I deserved that, didn't I? I deserved to be hurt because I was a rotten little kid who needed to be beaten so that my soul would be saved, right? Right you self righteous ****? I resent you for humiliating me about my sexuality, as you held me up against the wall by my throat and choked me out with one hand, threatening to make me stand out at the bottom of the driveway with my finger up my ******* for the neighborhood to see. Oh wait, that was what you threatened me with for giving you the finger when I thought you weren't looking. For doing anything with a girl, you said you would make me walk down the street naked to her house and apologize to her and her parents with my penis hanging out. No wonder the kids called me a ******* ******, I was absolutely terrified of my own feelings for girls and women. Hey, I still am, and the only women I've ever been with, with one exception, were the predatory kind who didn't care so much for me, as for what they wanted to take from me. I have a son out there who I have never seen because of that, because I've been too much of a gutless coward to actually talk to any girl I thought was attractive without triggering a panic attack, I had to settle for ***** and ***** hunters. You wanted to know why I have not "taken responsibility" for him? Because I would rather have had him aborted, or given up to a ******* orphanage than to let him be raised by me after what I've let you turn me into, and I resent myself every ******* day for that. I know now why I won't let me hang myself; because I deserve to be tormented by that for the rest of my existence, and death is too good for me. You would have been murdered by me a long time ago, if I hadn't judged the same thing for you. I came this close to going through with it too. In the moment that I lit your house on fire, I intended for you to burn down with it, but I panicked. I was gonna burn down your whole rotten family and spend the rest of my life in prison for it; that's how filled with hatred I am. Finally, I resent you for blocking me from getting my absolution for that, by turning myself in. You were so quick to call the cops on me when you had nothing to lose from it. Your precious money is now, and always has been, more important than me. Well, I hope you realize that you're about to lose most of it, because I am turning myself in for that arson, and you are gonna lose the whole settlement from the insurance on your house. That's right, it wasn't arson insurance you had, was it? You made sure to check that out when you tried to make me promise never to speak of this to the police. Enjoy it while you can, because soon the wolves are gonna be on your doorstep to take the only thing that matters to you more than your miserable self. And by the way, have a nice day you ******* piece of ****.
NeonBlueMidnight NeonBlueMidnight 26-30, M 17 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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Im 15 and my dad has abused me since I was 4. He always said he never wanted a daughter. When our dog died, my dad blamed me for it and shot me when I was 10... My mom even forgave him for what he had done and to this day I'm still in the same house as him... The only person keeping me alive ATM is my bf... He said "if you die then I die too" sadly he doesn't know that I died a long time ago

You need to get over him. You have a life to get back to, and your wasting it on him. It's also what he wants. Leave him to rot in his own ****. When he's on his deathbed, and starts to realize what he's done with his life, he won't have anyone there to apologize to, and will die knowing he was never forgiven. Don't end up the same way. My father is't half as bad as your father, but I used to believe the same thing. It wasn't until I realized how stupid it was to let him have such control over my life, that I became who I am now, and I'm exactly where I want to be.

my dads an *** hole too elders are not always right especially in today's broken society dads are supposed to be heads of the family and they are failing i will make sure i leave that failed legacy behind and rebuild a good relationship with hopefully my offspring. (checkout john vlismas old people comedy on youtube) it helps vent and gives courage to fight back.......... ONWARD

I hate the **** out of my dad he makes me so mad i wanna punch babies. Never felt good enough for him. And he really thinks that I'll never have as much as he does. He treated me like crap since I can remember. He abandoned his first daughter after a divorce. He has a grandchild from his first daughter that he's never met. I just don't understand how he can think this way. He only looks out for himself

I dont now you and while ive had some awfully humiliating experiences with my dad tht have made me cry, i dont think he was as bad as you.
But i will say this- the fact tht u have addressed all those issues you have, itself makes u a stronger person. The burning down was probably not the correct thing to do[no judgement there].
But u do have it on u to raise a son and dont desert ur child. Because you'll end up making him hate u the way u do ur father. The intensity will differ, but hate is hate.
U r not a coward. No coward would have the courage to call himself one.

Remember love the sinner and hate the sin.Dont hold any anger in your heart or unforgiveness
because it will only make you a bitter person. pray for your dad and leave it in Gods hands. God sees all.I know your hurting but put it behind you or you'll ruin your life.Forgive your Dad because remember hurting people hurt other people.Hes hurting too from something.Please make up with your dad and still honor him because its a commandment from god and you can do that at a distance if needed to.Dont have any unforgiveness in your heart for anyone or God won't forgive you for your sins. good luck and you can overcome this with the help of The Lord.Get a King James Bible and read about how much God loves you!

I don't believe in sin, and the only God in my sphere of awareness is me; so it seems silly to forgive myself for something I didn't do wrong. I also don't believe in luck. Thanks for sharing though.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all that, it must have been horrible. I can relate to a lot of what you talked about, and I was wondering if we could connect over email and perhaps share some thoughts and experiences. I would really appreciate it, and I think venting about it could be good for both of us.

Suspicious...

The best punish you can give him is this.

When he turns old and senile, when everyone around him has left him, when he is sitting on his death bed pondering how he has to die alone. When you show up at the very moment while his life is drifting away and his whimpering.. you tell him this while laughing, "You piece of ****, you are going to hell and I am here to watch your pathetic self die"

Roflmfao

Sounds a lot like my father. I'm 40 now and still replay certain things over and over in my head, time has not healed this yet. I tried to take revenge by beating him until he lost consciousness on two different occasions but those events are the ones that stand out the most and I think about it every day. I doubt that burning the house down will make you feel any better and from my experience it may just be something that you can never forget. If you haven't already turned yourself in a totally new start may be what you need, try moving to another country and if possible get therapy.

I started a new life, but I've learned that you can't escape who you are. My dad made me into a coward, and I've been this way so long that I don't know if I'll ever be able to break the power that fear has over me. I don't want to live like this anymore.

my life is miserable like yours. but my mom always complain about a little problem and i always get bet up by my dad. almost every day i prayed that he would die and never ruined my life. i just don't know what to do. i hope it will end soon enough

It will start to get better the day that you leave. Good luck.

What do you mean?

I mean, your current environment is only temporary. Try not to internalize the toxicity of it, if you can. When you leave it behind, your life will get better, if you want it to.

the world just kicks you when youre down.. i hate my dad too and he handled me in a similar way destroying my self esteem and confidence too. you are not alone. but for me a time will come a day of days when the sins of the father will echo in the redemtion of the future and then maybe we will all have our day

I wish that all fathers would do the right thing. Mine is a liar and a cheater and has had several children before me and my mom. He's still married to my mom, and had a child with another woman when I was maybe... 8 or 9, I've just discovered this all a few days ago and confronted him about it, and he still won't stop cheating. For 18 years I've been living a fantasy, been lied to, and I feel as though now my life is falling apart. The most heart crushing thing about all that he's still cheating on my mom and I, and he has the nerve to look me right in the eye and say that he's not. After all the tears, emotional wreckage I've been through the past few days, he saw her just this morning... I don't understand why fathers can't be more responsible and do what's right for their family... I have no idea how my older half siblings have coped with my existence and my father's betrayal.

It seems to me that the problem here is.the lying, not the cheating. Let's be clear about something; this is how men evolved, this is how they naturally are. He has to lie about it because society's rules say that he is wrong, but society is the one at odds with human nature. If you accepted him as he is, he wouldn't have to lie. Besides, this sounds like your mom has been griping about your dad to you, making her problem yours. Let blame go and you'll be a lot less bitter about your dad's behavior.

No, that's not true. Men aren't born to cheat and lie, or if they are then so are women. But we are taught not to do trees things as we grow older so here is capacity for caring and being pro-social in everyone. Your dad sounds like a piece of **** but don't let him colour your view of all men. He is an extreme example and sucks you had to deal with a crazy ******* like him.

i've been thru this and i've let the hate consume me .. I was pissed off everyday by his presence till it wore me out .I've been down that road but now, i dont let it get the best of me.i deal with things differently now. i used to wish everyday that my mother and father were both dead, they had served no purpose in my life but to make me miserable and i hated them for it and for bringing me into this world to suffer , writing it down helped to release some of the pain. some days i had to force myself to do some positive thinking exercises just so that the hate would go away. i used to lock myself in my room , light candles , take off the lights and pray and only allow myself to think positive things.....cos i was filled with so much hatred for them. i try not to wish their death anymore. in fact i try not to wish a single bad thing for anyone anymore who has hurt me . Instead i try my best to focus on positivity and think about good things for myself so that good things would come my way...

Yeah, I tried that for a long time, and it didn't really work out so well. But being honest to the people who hurt me about how I feel, instead of trying to hide that anger, seems to have just de-fused a lot of resentment for me. I had actually planned to write more of these letters, telling people how much I hate them for what they did to me, but it seems that all that anger was being sourced from my resentment of my father. I think I have one more letter to write, though, addressed to myself.

Alcohol and drugs are more important to my father. I will be 25 in September and he doesn't even know me for me. He's a hypocrite! Always telling others they should live their life like this or that. But can NEVER take his own advice. He only wants me in his life when its convenient for him. It'll be a year April 8th since we've talked and he brought it upon himself. As his daughter I have done everything in my power to help him. I am done now. I'm tired of giving him multiple chances. I don't know what its like to be 'daddy's little girl' and I'm okay with that. There's so much more I could tell you but I fear I'd be here all day. If you want to talk more add me. :) if not then I hope everything works out well for you.

I'm sorry your dad doesn't have the time for you. I hope someday my boy has that kind of desire to know me that you had for your dad, I wouldn't waste the opportunity

I wish he would be a father. He's 52 and acts 21. I'm more mature than him! Even though im okay with not being 'daddy's little girl' I do want it in a sense. All my friends talk about their daddies and all I can say is he's a drunk/druggie. I have no good memories of him and I to look back on and smile about. They're hurtful memories that I wish to God they would just disappear. I often wish I had gone through life never knowing him. I do love and respect that he's my father. He helped give me life. But I just can't get over how your own flesh and blood can be treated like an outcast. He's never cared and probably never will. I fear one day when its too late he'll realize the damage he has done and try to make peace with it. And that day he will be on his death bed. I've tried so hard over the years. Guess it wasn't good enough...


Aside from this I hope your boy wants to get to know you. You seem like you've come to terms with life. And its only fair that he'd come and talk to you about what happened rather than believe his mother. When the time is right I hope he finds you and you get that opportunity to get to know him.

Talk with a lawyer before you turn yourself in; there may be some nuance that you'll later regret not knowing. I wrote a letter to my mother once, years ago, where I laid it all out to her. She cried—the only time she ever cried on my behalf—and ran into the bathroom. She came out all better; she forgave herself and 'forgot' everything again.

I've been to a lawyer already. To be honest, I have nothing to lose, so there's nothing to regret. I already have a criminal record involving arson and more serious crimes on top of that; but that's another story. Did you feel like your letter sharing helped you at all? I have to admit, now that I've written all that down, I just feel kinda numb and exhausted.

I did get the satisfaction of being able to tell her what I thought of all of those things that I had to keep quiet about while I was growing up, and what I thought of her, but she never said that she was sorry, or admitted guilt. She remains in denial, and what she can't deny she minimizes; "Well, it wasn't that bad." she'll say, still. But, I'm glad that I did it.

Yeah, I think that the relief doesn't come from the other person admitting they were wrong, it comes from us not keeping our pain and resentment hidden from those who caused it, because then we start to resent ourselves.

However it manifests, catharsis is good. I was able to forgive my father—and I found relief in that—but it was because after we had discussed all of this, in my adulthood, he realized just how truly he had failed as a father, and what his abuses, neglect, and absences had caused; he broke down and cried like a baby, repeatedly, over the course of several days. His main failing was that he was a drunk, and of course his childhood had not been pretty, either.

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how long has it been that you have been feeling that way . why did you wait til now to say something .I'm going though the same with my dad but i'm story is from the time i was born he went and told the court that i wasn't his and hasn't been around for me .It's been fourty years and i don't ever want to see me if i was to see him now i would tell him f off .

I haven't told him these things till now because I was a coward, still too afraid of violence and confrontation to face him. I've seen where the path of the coward leads, and I'm sick to death of it. If I don't do something now, I will be hanging by my neck inside of a year.

did you read my story that i wrote about my dad and hang in there it gets better as you get older

<p>&nbsp;<br />
Wow. That's quite startling.<br />
You've been thinking about this for quite some time, I think.

Yeah. I've tried and tried to forgive him, but it just isn't in my power to forgive someone who doesn't even regret what they've done.

And you'll take vengeance in this fashion, possibly getting yourself locked up...hmm.
Interesting decision.

Better a prison of bars than a prison of guilt. I planned to turn myself in before I ever knew it would cost him money. He convinced me not to, and then when I gave him a chance to have a real relationship, he started with the abuse again, nearly punching me out, then threatening to abandon me out in the wilderness with no way out but a long walk in grizzly bear country. Why would I continue to live with this on my conscience to protect him, when he doesn't give a **** about me?

That's why I said it was an interesting decision. I think the right one for you, as this has been weighing on you a long time, and you should do what is right for you.

I am so with you on this!

I appreciate the support. :)

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