I Hope This Misery Ends Soon.

I'm 23 years old. I have suffered from moderate clinical depression ever since I was 17. I started taking anti-depressants when I was about 20. I abused alcohol while I was on them and fell down some stone steps and broke my nose. I don't take them anymore, nor do I drink to that degree anymore.

My father was an alright parent up until a point. He was a disciplined person, and I feared him but not in a bad way. I knew at a young age to respect his authority and listen to his lessons. Both parents beat me but not that hard. I was an unruly child born in Canada and they were immigrants from India. I am not mad at them for that.

It's the psychological torture that got to me.

When I was young, I don't remember how young, I was talking to my little sister in front of my dad. She said something about needing a watch for her wrist and I said something along the lines of "meh, you don't need a watch you're just a kid" and I waved my hand in a way that people do when they are casually saying "you're crazy".

My dad slapped the living hell out of me.

He said I was acting like my cousin whose dad (my uncle) was on bad terms with my father. He demanded to know who told me to say that. I didn't understand. He thought people were out to get him and that they were trying to "bother" him through his kids, specifically me. For years after this he demanded to know who was telling me to say the things I'd say or do the things I'd do.

I no longer feared my father, I hated him and I was terrified of being in his presence. I didn't want to be around him for fear of saying the "wrong" thing or doing something he'd take the wrong way. Our communication gradually decreased to the point where I would do anything just so that I wouldn't have to see him or talk to him. I would at times talk to my mother to talk to him. Just for context, he has a home office so he is constantly at home.

He was diagnosed with paranoia and depression from a psychiatrist and took medication for it. He is better now, but those emotional scars are still with me. He is still controlling and at times mean but I try to shrug it off.

My depression kicked in while I was in university and I know I drove my girlfriend at the time crazy. I have a hard time forgiving myself for things since I constantly strive to be a better person, a nicer person than my father. My ex-girlfriend said something about me that I will never forget and that is that I have already anti-defined myself. I constantly told myself that I won't be like my father, that I will be better, but I've inherited his anger. She had to walk on eggshells during our relationship and that reminded me of my pain with my father.

I told myself I wasn't going to be like him, yet there I was, analyzing everything my ex-girlfriend said or did. I still am so sorry for how that relationship turned out and I hope she is better now.

Back to my relationship with my father.

I wanted to improve my family's relationships after I got out of school and moved back home. I wanted to make my parents proud and I wanted them not to worry about my future. I wanted to start making money and perhaps take on the family business, sitting in the office with my dad and training under him. But now that familiar feeling is setting in and I want nothing to do with him. He and I can get into some screaming matches that I cannot believe as I look back on them. All I wanted was to make them happy but now it seems I'm trading in my own happiness for theirs.

My poor mother. She is the only person I truly love in this world and it pains me to see her pained. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is leave this house of misery and start my life in the city. My mother suffers in silence until I am there and then she vents. I get so angry at my father for being that way, but at the same time I know how he is and that I have to play with the hand I've been dealt.

I hope this story was not too long. It was my first and I'm sure I will be able to use the experience project to write many more and have some sort of outlet for this pain I feel.

MasterCraft MasterCraft
22-25, M
1 Response May 18, 2012

I know how it feels. I despise my father, how he yells at us and how he curse at us everytime we make mistakes, even the smallest ones. But it turns out I'm becoming more and more like him. My siblings find it harder to communicate with me cause I'm always angry. I really want to leave home cause when I'm not at home I'm a better person. But I can't cause of my mom. I can't let her take all the pain. I know my dad, he'll just blame my mom.

I appreciate this so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope the best for you.

Same here. I hope someday we'll both get the strength to push through whatever hardships we're experiencing right now. Good luck!