That Man I Have To Call "dad"... I Hate Him...

i don't think i have one good single memory of my dad. all i remember is him saying negative things to me... calling me names (*****, ****, **** bucket, hoe, trick,) or him telling me that all i am ever good for is laying on my back. he treats me like i am horrible mother to my son when i do everything i can to ensure my sons happiness and safety. he did drugs for years and quit cold turkey maybe 8 years ago. you would think he would change for the better but it only made him more miserable. he used to sell everything in the house and embaress me when i was kid by getting high righ in the living room when i had friends over. he used to steal my tooth fairy money and my birthday money. He even returned all our gifts the night before christmas to get high once. he even had the nerve to leave the wrapping under the tree to show how much he really didnt care. because of my dad, i have gotten into countless abusive relationships... one i am trying to break from even as we speak. i've had to stare in the mirror and tell myself i am beautiful because my dad used to tell me how ugly i am and no one would want me. because of this constant berating i developed a impulse disorder called trichotillomania where i pull my hair out when stressed... or sometimes just bored when i am really just internalizing stress. i've had this disorder since i was 11 years old. around the time my dad started calling me names and putting me down. i've learned to stuff all those bad feelings deep inside but at times when we argue... (i don't have much respect for him so i do curse him back out) i leave crying... not because of him but because i wish i just had a normal dad who cared about his kids. i wish i had the kind of dad that called me princess and told me i was beautiful. who would be worried about who i am dating because i am important to him and he wants to see me with the right guy. I wish i had the kind of dad i could have taken to the father/daughter dance... my brother took me instead. and i know that if i ever get married, i won't have anyone to walk me down the isle either. i moved back home once i had my son.. i was engaged to be married and we ended up breaking it off. and it was the worse decision i ever made in my life. now i am finding it hard to save to move again... but i am going to do it so i can get my son away from this toxic environment. i wonder what my mother was thinking.... she allowed this to go on... she saw what it was doing to me and my brothers yet she decided to put on her rose colored glasses and pretend like everything was ok. it happened yesterday and today is a new day is her motto. sometimes i just wish i was born into another family.. away from it all. i love my mom and brothers i really do but living like this has twisted all of us in a bad way. and it's all because of this man. i hate him. @clw
cwallace1421 cwallace1421
May 28, 2012