It's Like A Broken Record.I try to tell my dad to relax and not take his anger out on my mom or I. I wish I could just get the hell away from here. I've become so dependent on my parents and it sickens me. The only reason I am so dependent is because I grew up with Indian parents who don't mind providing for me. In India, no one leaves home, especially not the sons.
My father has the biggest ego of any man I've ever seen. This guy thinks he can do no wrong. He doesn't understand why I'm being short with him because he is the king of the damn universe. When he tries to admit his wrong doings, he buys us stuff. Material things. That's how he shows his "love".
I'd rather we were not so well off so that we could actually have a chance to mend this broken relationship, but everyday that goes by I think more and more that it's too far gone.
If my mom and dad were a western couple, they'd be divorced by now. Indians don't believe in divorce and more and more I feel guilty about even being alive.
I try to appease my parents. I try to think to myself "my mother and father came from a third world country and provided us with a life that I truly appreciate so I should return the favor and appease them by any means."
I'm losing myself in the process. I hate this so much.
All of this makes me think of smoking cigarettes again. That's probably why I'm writing this right now. I don't know what the hell else to do.
I need to get out of here.
I'm going to get my mother's name tattooed on my body. So I feel a fraction of the pain that she continually feels. It'll be an ever lasting testament on my body that represents her suffering and the effort she, and only she put into raising me.
When I have a son, I will never antagonize him. It's my responsibility to break this cycle of hate that the sons have against their fathers within my family.
My son will be free of this.