Reoccuring Nightmare

Usually, at least a few times a month, I have these dreams, and they are all the same: running away from home and dad.

I always hug my brother and tell him goodbye, and leave through the window in the middle of the night. I can hear my dad shout in the distance, and I know he's coming after me. I can never run fast enough it seems. I usually get caught, and then I try again later. Sometimes, even though I'm always running agonizingly slow, I get away. And my life is happy. I get a job, go to college peacefully, have a boyfriend. But there is always this nag in the back of my mind. I miss my brother, I miss my mom. How are they doing? And then I realize, it's not real, and I end up freaking out in the dream and I wake up. I wake up sweating, breathing hard, and anxious to the point of nausea at times. It's horrible. I wish I could really leave like in my dreams.

This most recent one was so realistic, when I woke up, I was shaken. I did my usual thing, and ran away. I didn't get caught. I run out and hide in the park and behind the trees. My dad's friends and some of my family are looking for me. I hide, and make it to a facility for run-a-ways. They give me food and shelter, and I can go to college. I stay there for a few weeks and catch up on classes, while meeting a nice guy, and possibly consider dating. I end up dating him, and life is all good. But... I have to go back to my house for something. So a counselor comes with me to go to my house to get my stuff. My dad opens the door, and he smiles weakly. He says that I can get my stuff. No yelling. No hitting. Astounded, I hurry and get my stuff and leave with no quarrels. My parents even wave goodbye. I continue to live in the shelter/school peacefully with my new boyfriend and all is good. And then it comes. The realization that it all is not real; it's a dream. I literally grip the table and my boyfriend pats my back, asking if I'm okay.

And I wake up.

That is the worst possible nightmare. You know why? Because I was HAPPY.

And it wasn't even real.

I'm still here.

In this house.

With him.
duClo duClo
18-21, T
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

I'm sorry you've had to go through all that, it must have been horrible. I can relate to a lot of what you talked about, and I was wondering if we could connect over email and perhaps share some thoughts and experiences. I would really appreciate it, and I think venting about it could be good for both of us.