I Hate Him So Much It Makes Me Sick.

I hate my dad a lot. He is unfair and bossy, i feel disgusted calling him dad. I used to be a happy child untill knowing that he was cheating on my mother and had2 kids from another woman. I was truly disappointed in him. He has changed 100% i dont even know him anymore. He started hitting me with a belt leaving marks all over my back without apologising later just because he thinks hes right all the time he gets to do whatever he wants. He even started hitting my mother and bringing his children from the other woman to our house for mum to take care of them. He is really rude and unfair. He treats me and looks at me like an enimy where as he treats my sisters as angels although im the most innocent one between them. He doesnt know what they secretly do and i would not like to be the one telling him that so i just remain quiet. I cry everyday before going to sleep wishing he was dead. Yesterday he asked my sister to get him tea and asked me to go down with her just to help her he was like "you do the tea let her just be your maid and carry the stuff Hahahaha" infront of my uncle. I felt so terrible i still feel the same:(.
reem95 reem95
18-21, F
7 Responses Dec 25, 2012

Am sorry for what you are going through.

you cant change the fact what you are going through...but you can change yourself to adjust how to be treated... In fact, I believe your mom needs your support now than ever since everything is revealed. Probably you and your mom shld plan on divorcing your father. And it is fact that the matter is beyond redemption to the marriage.

I do try to change myself and be there for her all the time, i just dont know what else to do.

Sweetie there is not enough words to show how sorry I am and how helpless i feel. please keep in touch and get help. pray to God. may GOD be with you honey.

Thanks a lot

Wow. It's like reading a mirror. Today, I am a 30yr old woman. Until the age of 18 I lived in my father's home with my mother, my sister and my 2 brothers. I am also a type 1 diabetic since the age of 2. When I was about 14 my father got really mad in a restaurant and beat the s*** out of me. I think everyone was in such shock that no one did anything and frankly there weren't to many ppl in the place at the time other then a few older folks and a middle aged woman sitting a few tables away. The next day a child protective services agent came to the house. I remember hiding in the bathroom and never spoke a word or even saw her. She sat in the kitchen with my mom, dad, and my siblings and just basically outright asked my father what happened. My father may be a very cruel man but stupid he is NOT. In fact, when he wants to be he can be very sweet and charming. So the advocate left and nothing ever happened. The DUMBEST thing I've ever seen in my life! It was my mother who finally saw how much my father was killing me, literally killing me, from the inside out and left him. I was my father's scapegoat. Blamed me for everything that went wrong. Constantly putting me down in front of my family, friends, or whomever was around. To make himself look bigger or for shear entertainment, whatever struck him at the moment. The beatings got worse as I got older as well as the verbal abuse to the point where he had me hating myself. I cared nothing for myself, never took care of my sugars, my weight, I just thought I was ugly and stupid and was pretty much ready to kill myself. I started hanging out with a really bad crowd and dating a pretty dangerous guy. It was then that my mom became scared enough for me and left my father. She told my siblings they could come if they wanted and the 3 of them stayed with him...for a while. To this day I thank my mom. It wasn't ideal to be in an abusive home for 18yrs and believe me, from the day I can remember my father I hated him. From the moment I knew who he was I knew he was an enemy. When we left it was a struggle but I over came and am still overcoming everything he did to me. What helped me most was SAVING MYSELF. My accomplishments in life, and the goals I meet made and make me stronger every day. Eventually you will be independent. I know you are young now but you will go to college and even have a place of your own some day, so start thinking about that now and working to make that happen ASAP. Focus and working toward the good because it will come but the more you can count on yourself to make sure of that the better off you will be. I don't know who you have close to you in your life but it does sound like you need to talk to someone and fast! Maybe even and therapist if you can make that happen or a school counselor and they WILL take you seriously and do something if you tell them to. I'm not sure what your mother's take on all this is but perhaps talk to her and at least tell her that this is unacceptable. She may not be strong enough to help but if she isn't against you that's always helpful. Find someone, anyone that will listen and take you seriously. The more support the better at the very least. You sound like a very strong, smart, independent, female who isn't afraid to get out there and ask for help. I wish and had known as much when I was your age. Best advice I can give you DON'T GIVE UP AND NEVER STOP FIGHTING FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I don't pray much but I think I may start and they will all be for you. Wishing you only the best. Take care of yourself. It will get better, I know so.

My mother knows that im sufferring but cant do anything seeing as shes pregnant and also suffers from severe depression. She needs to have an abortion as soon as possible because her health is getting worse everyday. Plus she uses pills that are meant to help her cure from depression which will surely affect the baby. She had tried to move out to her family but he went and made a big deal out of it, he forced her to go back home. She tried divorcing him but he threatened her of taking us with him and not letting her see us.
I do hate myself so much, i truly hate who i am now, i stopped taking care of my blood sugar because theres no point of trying. I cut once and realised that he was not worth it so i stopped, but whenever he yells at me, hits me of offend me infront of my family and friends i start shaking uncontrollably and try not to cry infront of him not wanting him to think that im weak, i remain quiet and look up not saying a word. He slaps me and tells me to answer him but if i did he would beat me up and tell me to shut up.
I have no one to talk to, thats the main reason why i started looking for such websites. I need to let it out so bad. Your comment did make mefeel better though knowing someone haf gone through the same thing as i did do thank you a lot :).

Hey, I really wanted to message you again because it seems like you really need a friend and that's why I've joined this site. To make friends and become one to a few myself. It seems like your mother has a lot on her plate already and so you have the responsibility of now becoming your own parent and taking care of yourself. Something else I am very familiar with. In that case I am going to tell you what you must do and please HEED MY WORDS CAREFULLY! THIS SITUATION WILL NOT BE FOREVER! You will get through this. Maybe not today or tomorrow but some day and for the rest of your life you will be able to leave and do whatever you want! BUT what you do today WILL affect you forever. Not taking care of your health or hurting yourself will stay with you and it will be YOU who has done it to yourself. STOP LETTING HIM HURT YOU. There are somethings that you can not stop and not control in this terrible situation but there are certainly things that you can. Not taking care of yourself is his ultimate triumph in this sick twisted game. Not loving yourself is his ultimate goal and hurting yourself is basically doing his job for him! Don't help him! Fight him! In telling you that I'm also telling you to sometimes fight yourself. You now carry him with you. He is that voice in your head telling you that you don't matter and that whatever you do doesn't count. His voice is disguised as your own but these are not your words or feelings. They are your father's words that he has implanted in your head. You are so young. You haven't even found yourself in any real way yet. You have so much to experience and do and understand that there could be no possible way to even know who or what you are yet. Forget about him. I realize this is the hardest thing to do right now but you must! What you need to start focusing on is YOU! Paying attention to what he is doing and thinking, no matter how painful, only takes away from you focusing on yourself and helping yourself to get stronger and take control. This is what he wants. He wants ALL the power and control. No one else is going to focus on you 100% of the time regardless of the home you come from but unfortunately you don't have a leader to show you how. You must be your own leader and push yourself to do bigger and better and be more until the day you can be free and make your own choices and when you get there you can turn to everyone and tell them exactly how you feel about them and do WHATEVER it is you want to! What really helped me a lot is working. Getting a job and making my own money, if you don't already. It gave me a reason to be out of the house and away from him. It gave me the freedom to afford whatever I wanted for myself and I made some friends while I was there whom I never introduced to my dad! As well I focused on my grades and GPA. Personally I started looking into colleges as a freshmen in high school. I knew I wanted to go far, far, far away to school and figuring out how, where, and how much was the best thing I could have done. there are ample payment choices and grants and competitions that you can enter for scholarship money. Whatever you can do to make what you want to happen, happen DO IT! Even if you think it's the longest shot you've ever taken so what?! What can it hurt? I don't know how far away all of this is for you right now but believe me that the time will come faster than you think and being prepared and strong when it does come will be worth all the fighting and struggle it took to get there. The feeling is unbelievable and the fact that you will have gotten yourself there despite all the mountains climbed and battles fought is a triumph I want you to experience so badly! But none of that can happen if you give up now. Please take care of yourself! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Millions of men, woman, and children everywhere have endured and are enduring these same struggles and lived to tell the tale and the triumph story afterwards. You must focus on the future because there is no doubt that it is coming and I can't stress enough how being prepared and strong for it will help in every way. Not to mention how good it feels to know that you are making strides to making changes in your life with your own 2 hands! The simplest, and perhaps hardest!, thing I can think of is exercise. Exercise is a proven natural anti-depressant, it is a good goal to set for yourself to meet and perhaps if you get noticeably stronger it will deter certain people from physically coming at you. It did work for me. As well I really wish you could find someone to talk to in person. A school counselor, a mentor, a fellow friend who can relate and have a comforting shoulder to cry on. Having a partner in crime eases the pain soooo much. It seems crazy to be telling you to deal with the abuse instead of leaving and running away, however I do know the great lengths that it would take to get out. You would certainly have to go on your own and leave everyone behind. If they can't help unfortunately they only become a burden. It would be hard enough to take care of just yourself let alone anyone else. But you can always come back for them later when you are strong enough to do so. If that is something you would be willing to do Call a hotline. There are hotlines for abuse all over the world and they will take you seriously and be a friend, a professional friend that are well equipped to tell you just what to do and what your options are in the situation. Unfortunately no one can make the best decision for you but you. It is your cross to bare in being your own leader, commander, and chief but once you get used to these roles they will spread like wild fire throughout your whole life. Once you taste the sweet flavor of victory IN ANY SMALL WAY it makes you want more and more and more! And DO NOT be discouraged by any battles lost. OH NO! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! It is these times that must be remembered, studied, and carried as badges of honor. Something that you can be proud to say you've been through, survived and overcome, as long as you've learned the LESSON each time and that's how you win the war! F*** ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU, F*** ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME! I have every faith that you will win this war my dear. You seem like such a strong, smart, determined woman that only needs a friend. Well, that is the one thing you can be sure I can grant you, whenever you need it. Take care of yourself. <3

Thank you very much. Reading that made me realise how important i am and that i can be who i am without anyone judging me or trying to bring me down. I am going to save it and read it whever im down :). I cant thank you enough <3.

You just did. You're very welcome..anytime.

1 More Response

I'm sorry 4 ur pain in I have a few word for him but u can always tlk 2 mhee

Thank you

Please talk to your friends about this, talk to your teachers, good family members from your church, family members from your mom's side, you need help and support of good strong people to get you out of this bad situation.

Please call 911 and report this. This is serious. If you let him keep abusing your mom and you like this, its only going to get Worst. This IS child abuse. This guy IS abusive. You need help.