Is It Time To Forgive And Forget?

Growing up in my house was not the best example of the "Braidy Bunch". When my mother married my father he was different. Although he always had a drinking problem. She married him because she needed to escape her own house hold dramas and that was the only way. I don't understand how it started but once my mum fell pregnant with the first child he clicked and it was no longer the same man. From being told it only got worse and worse. My mother left my father with my sister and two brothers when he cheated on her. Although she returned back. From there, I was born. I was the child he did not want. The child he told my mother not to have. Most of my memories of my father is violent. Every night my two brothers, sister and I would be in heaven until he came home from work. Always drunk out of his mind. Staggering around smashing everything, slamming doors. My mum would give my oldest sister the look and then my sister would pick us all up and find somewhere to hide. We had no bedroom doors then, so we were subjected to listen to everything. He would cripple her, bruise her, belt her, brake her bones, cut her, glass her, punch her, kick her, slap her. He would do anything to make him feel like the man of the house. The scariest part was listening to him scream at her and swear calling her such nasty names. Some times he would just grab my mum by the hair as she was watching tv and drag her into the bed room and bash her till she couldn't move and then lock her inside a small cupboard and yell out to us "Listen to the ***** scream". Every night we went through this but my mother couldn't leave him because she would have four kids to raise and no money. So she sacrificed herself for us. My father knows nothing about me, sometimes he forgets my name. But that obvious, considering the consumption of alcohol. Life was so scary. Always having to pretend that we were a happy family when people came over and then once they left he would beat my mother. I have been given a few smacks by him, but he has never really physically hurt me. When my youngest sister was born, so now 5 kids everything got worse. I remember my dad bashing my tiny 4 year old sister for no reason. And i had to sit on the lounge and watch it happen. Watch my poor baby sister get beaten by a very well built european man. He's almost 50 now and he hasn't been physical in a long time. But I can never trust him, he ruined me as a child. I was a walking messed up child, who was too scared to tell anyone. He tries to talk to me know but i cant even look at him. I wish i had a father daughter relationship, but i can't look at him and love him. If he loved us, he wouldn't do those things... Now almost 18 i want to mature and let go of these things and not let them haunt me.
kat1000 kat1000
18-21, F
Jan 7, 2013