Sad Realization

The relationship with my father has neared it's end.

I spent my teenage years coming up with excuses for his behavior. I would blame his job, or a bad day, and eventually I started blaming myself for his anger.

I put up with everything. I put up with his insults. Always putting me down, criticizing what I would wear, and when I wore what he believed a "girl" should wear, he would put me down even more so. I spent years trying to please him.

I gave up and I learned to just put up with his anger.

I started forgiving him. But I can't anymore. I can't keep smiling at him and pretending I am ok. I can't keep telling him I'm the one that is wrong, and that he is right. I just can't.

I didn't want to hate my father. What kind of person am I if I hate my father? I want to have children. I want to be a parent. But how can I if I can't stand this person I have called "dad" my whole life?

I don't ask myself those questions anymore.

I can't "love" this person anymore.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

Feel ya.

I did the same exact thing. I often wonder if I'll treat my kids the same way my father did to me, if I have kids. It hurts, you know? To be terrified of having kids, because you think you'll **** them up too.

I tried to love the guy, really I did. I tried to see the silver lining in everything he did. Like,"Maybe he's doing this to make me tougher." or "Maybe I'll thank him later." or "Maybe this is just one of those life trials." but.. no. In the end I couldn't do it anymore.

He was just a jerk, an *******, and not my father. I figured just because someone is connected to you by blood doesn't mean they're your family. They've just got some of your DNA. There's a big difference, you know?

Between someone who loves you, and 'family.'

Between a ***** donor, and a 'Father'.

Just know I feel you, man.

Dear EP User,
I'm so sad for you. My only advice to you is to find someone you can talk to, a counsellor, school teacher or friend perhaps? I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a doctor and ask to be referred to a counsellor. My daughter did this and is coming out the other side. She is able to have a relationship with her father but she has discovered that she has to look after herself first. I hope all goes well for you.