"Hate" Is a Strong Word, But......

I don't know why, but about 10 years ago (I'm almost 35 now) I started resenting my dad. I found myself disgusted by the very sound of his voice, the way he looks, the things he says. It's a long story, but I will try to condense it-

My birth mother placed me up for adoption when I was 18 months old. She kept my  half sister. For some reason, she hated my dad. Word is, she always did. I don't know why, though. My grandmother adopted me (my dad's mom) and I didn't see my birth mom anymore. She had split from my dad already and did not keep contact, which is for the best anyhow.

Growing up I always wanted to be around my grandmother. Her husband ( my grandfather ) made my skin crawl. I have no memory of anything that may have happened to me, but I just remember  not wanting to be near him. I would cry when she left me alone to go to the store and left me with him. I don't know if I was abused in any manner-in fact I am fairly certain that I was not. He passed when I was 8 years old. Everyone in our family and community revered him as a wonderful man. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I was in my early 20's when I found myself not wanting to be around my dad. We have never lived in the same house together, but he lived across town from us. I would see him regularly, about 3 times a week.

Now I find that I don't want to see him, speak to him or hear anything about him. We have fought a lot over the past couple of years. We just had a huge blow out on the very day I had to have my beloved Chihuahua euthanized. He seems to pick fights with me when I'm at my weakest.

Unfortunately, he works with me. I don't see him much at work because he works predominantly in another area. After last week's fight I stopped driving him to work and we haven't spoken. He has left messages for me offering an apology, but I just don't want to talk to him or see him. I feel like an evil, hateful person-but at the same time, I feel a weight off of me since I don't have to deal with him. There is so much more to this story, but this is the basics. I would love to hear from someone in a similar pickle; even if you know why you hate your dad.

Thanks for reading!

sonyasixx sonyasixx
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 14, 2007

There must be a reason why your mother hated your father so much that she had to put you up for adoption. It's NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. But there must be more to the story. Perhaps your father was abusive or violent when he was with your mother? Maybe he even sexually assaulted or raped her?<br />
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People give off an energy - like a vibe. Maybe you get bad vibes from your dad because he's not such a good person. Focus your time and energy on your own life, help out your grandma you did what both your mom and dad wouldn't do which was to raise you.<br />
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If your dad gives you such bad vibes you might be better off distancing yourself from him. My father is a crazy jerk and my life is 100% better without him in it. Seriously, it's like a weight off my shoulders. I would try to limit my contact if I were you.<br />
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And perhaps one day you can figure out what really did happen and what the back story is between your mother and father. Maybe approaching a close friend or relative of your mom who might know more?