My Name Says It All

At this point, I truly wish my father was dead. I don't use the word hate lightly, but I use it quite often in reference to him. He's currently in the hospital from his second massive heart attack.....I hope he leaves the hospital in a body bag.

It took a lot of time for me to reach an "enlightenment point" about my father. Until recently, I never understood who my father really is or what kind of damage he had inflicted on me and my mother my entire life. I always thought that everything he did was normal. I'm 28 years old and have only recently freed myself from his chains. 

One of my earliest memories is of my mother and father fighting. They were locked in their bedroom and I was on the couch just outside the door screaming and crying. I think I was about 3 or so. My entire childhood, I was scared to be around my dad alone. If my mother was there, I was fine but the split second it was just me and him, I was terrified. He never hit me or even threatened to. He didn't need to. The damage he inflicted was emotional/psychological. He'd yell, curse, throw things and have your basic temper tantrum. He'd get violently angry at the drop of a hat.

He was a martial artist. He taught me martial arts and ingrained it into everything about me. He wasn't raising a son, he was building a machine to be used as a weapon. At the hardened age of 4, I remember him telling me, "Son, when you get into a fight, you don't stop until your enemy's chest stops moving up and down. If they are moving at all, awake or not, you are not finished." I know, you're not suppose to remember things in such detail at that age, but I remembered these things for some reason. He taught me that a black eye or bloody nose doesn't end a fight and that maiming your enemy should be the least goal. He taught me how to break collarbones, seperate the pelvis, dislocate shoulders, choke holds, collapse the esophogus, how to cause trauma to internal organs...etc, etc. You get the point, he wasn't teaching me punches and kicks, he was teaching me techniques that would maim or kill. I should add that one of the shoulder techniques tears all 4 tendons/ligaments of the rotator cuff, tears cartilage, seperates the joint of the shoudlerblade and collarbone and breaks the upper arm. Yes, that's one technique. And it permenantly disables the entire arm/shoulder.

Fast forward to 14 years of age. My father always had the habit of holding me down and tickling me for long and excruciating periods of time far past the point of being fun. I'm talking half an hour to an hour......basically torture.  He tried it when I was 14. I told him once to stop. He kept going so I ripped out a handful of mustache hair. Well, that sent him into a frenzy, calling me a "f***ing punk" and he started packign his bags saying that he was done with my mother and myself. My mother wanted to take me to my older brother's house because the fight was getting so bad. He said, "Go ahead. Get in the f***ing car and I'll blow it out from under you!" I should add that he has an impressive arsenal of firearms. The fight eventually subsided and there was no apology from him. We went on about our lives as usual.

Forward 3 more years to 17 years of age. I accidentally bumped into my father in the kitchen ever so slightly. He went off the deep end, again cursing and calling me a punk. I went into my room and locked the door. He busted the door in and I stood up. He said, "Son, you know everything about martial arts that I do and more. You're stronger than me and faster. If you swing on me, I won't stand there and fight with you.....I'll just shoot your a**. You make one move and I'll put your brains out the back of your head." When I looked down, his hand was in his pocket, cupping the .22 pistol that he always kept there. Later, he wrote an apology letter. Not that it made any difference, because it happened at least 3 more times, once at 19, 22 and 23 when I came home on leave from the military.

My father would accuse me of doing things, telling me that he talked to people that saw me doing these things that I'd never done and then threatening me if I ever did them again. I slouched when I was younger and he threatened to put duct tape down my back to correct the problem. I'd take a nap on the couch and he'd rake his thumb up the bottom of my foot every. single. time. He'd get a kick out of scaring the daylights out of me as a child, hiding in the closet and waiting until I turned off the lights, then making growling noises until I was petrified. Then he'd jump out and laugh when I was trembling with fear. He put peroxide in my shampoo the day before homecoming in high school. He threatened to put hair removal cream in my shampoo as well.

Only after going to the military for 5 years did I begin to see things for how they really are. My father is not normal.....he's action packed with issues. He was highly abusive and should be in prison.

Last year, my father began "staying at a freind's house." Now, let's just say that I've got some connections and people tell me things. I knew he was seeing another woman behind my mother's back. I knew he was living with her. Nine months later, he finally admitted so. I haven't spoken to him since, but he is still legally married to my mother. Today, I found out that he was in the hospital. I took my mother to see him as I know she still loves him. The other woman was in the room and so was my brother......nobody called us to let us know that he'd had a massive heart attack and required quadruple bypass surgery. My own BROTHER didn't call.

I know it's wrong to wish death upon people, but I hope he dies a very painful and drawn out death in the hospital.

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1 Response Mar 26, 2009

Thank you for letting me in...I am here for you always my love.<br />
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