Eradicating the Malevolent Beast Inside

If you've read my story, "My name says it all", continue reading. If you haven't, you may want to read it before you continue with this story .

To quote Disturbed: "It seems the whole experience is....terrible and crippling. The pain is much more than physical, beyond belief....."

The longer I'm away from my father, the more I open my mind and allow my supressed memories to surface, the more objective I become in my thinking, the more I realize that I am, in a way, just like my dad.

Unfortunately, 26 years of exposure to one of the most malicious, malevolent, evil men that I know allowed him to heavily influence who I am. A seed of anger quickly becomes a giant, sprawling oak tree of rage. On a scale of 1 to 10, my anger is either a 1 or 10, never touching levels 2-8. As twisted as I know it is, I like the fact that people fear me. Subconsciously, my body language gives off an aura of intimidation and danger....warning signs that havoc will ensue like a siren for an incoming nuclear strike. I don't even realize that my facial expressions change or that my fists double up or that my shoulders tense or that my chin tucks down to my chest or that I square off on people in the way that is reminescent of a UFC competitor. I know that this happens only because my loving and very understanding girlfreind points it out to me as do a couple of my freinds. Apparently, my voice changes as well and not only in volume. I go from refined gentleman to barbaric destroyer at the drop of a hat. This is behavior that can only be taught. It was taught to me by my father. My 6th grade school principal pointed out this "aura" to me at age 12.

Only time and effort will allow me to change who I am at the core, to eradicate the malevolent beast that dwells within the center of my soul.

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Mar 28, 2009