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Why Can't My Father Be a Normal Loving Dad?

I have never hated anyone before, but I can honestly say that I hate my father. Why? Because for my whole life I have put up with his incessant perfectionism, obsession with small detail, short temper, criticism, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. He is a very opinionated and angry person and has no hesitation in showing it, both at home and in public. He thinks he is always right and every one else is wrong, and expects to have everything his way. My family have tried to talk to him about his behaviour, but he gets very defensive and loses his temper. He has lost several jobs and doesn't have many friends - that says it all. I don't know why my mother didn't leave him years ago. The worst part is I fear my father's horrid personality is rubbing off on me. I see some of his traits in me, and it sickens me. I would rather die than turn out like him. I don't have many friends and I worry that it is because I am like him. I try not to be like him, and I try hard to make friends, but for some reason it just doesn't work out. Why can't I have a normal father? You know, someone who is relaxed and easy to get along with; someone I can be around without the worry of being told off or criticised; someone who doesn't lose his temper whenever he doesn't get his way; or at least a father who doesn't call me hurtful names and do spiteful things when he is angry. I have never known what it is like to have a warm loving father; a father who doesn't just say he loves me but actually shows it. I have never had a proper father figure in my life, someone I admire and am proud of. And I guess I will never know.
Louey Louey 31-35, F 62 Responses Sep 16, 2007

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Wow, that sounds just like my father, conditional love, if I don't do what he wants then he doesn't help me. Im 50 years old and he treats me like I am 16 and don't know anything. He holds things over my head to control me, my ex-husband helped me see these things, growing up I knew he was mean and miserable but didn't realize how controlling he was because I grew up that way. If he does help me in any way financially, fixing my car or something needed for my house he implies that he has to take care of me and that isn't his job and they have a lot of money. I have 2 children and if they needed something because they couldn't afford it and I had the money to help I would because they are my children and I love them and I would never make them feel like they were a burden. I am on Social Security Disability because I have severe depression and anxiety and I know you shouldn't blame people for what is wrong with you but I see now how my fathers mean, nasty personality has made me how I am, I have very low self esteem, no confidence and its because I never got any praise, compliments, encouragement or support because I was not aloud to make any decisions because if he didn't agree with them, it didn't happen.

Now my mother has Alhzeimers and he needs my help with her and to take care of the house and their bills and I feel so horrible because I feel like I don't love him, I will take care of my parents because that is my duty as their child. Deep down I know that I am a good and caring person, lots of people tell me but I hold such anger towards my father that I feel like I am a horrible person.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to vent!

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i love my daddy baby.

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I'm 15, and for my entire life, I've struggled with having a consistent relationship with my father. He is narcissistic, he gaslights, he doesn't show up for me, and more recently, instead of just attacking my mother, who he's divorced from, he's been attacking me. Not physically thank God... But emotionally, verbally, on Facebook and in texts. I can't and will not take it anymore. He thinks me speaking my truth is abuse? Ha! What a ******* jackass for not even trying to make amends with me. I just want to feel loved, is that so wrong?? Apparently being a dad is just too ******* hard for him, and it will never be worth it, so why even bother? I told him that until he really decides to love me and show me that he loves me, I'm not going to put up with his bullshit. That he should feel pain because of these words, because I really matter. I'm not just a person. I'm a human being, I'm his daughter, I have a heart, and he's left a lot of scars on it throughout my CHILDHOOD, because of what he's said and done, and not said and not done. I can truly say that I have no compassion for him. He chooses to not change his ways, and I will not have any remorse for him. He deserves to not have a loving relationship with his only daughter if being a terrible father is what he has decided to be. Ugh. ****.

My dad is exactly like yours. And I do see some of his traits rubbing off on me, although it doesn't interfere much with me making friends. He calls me very hurtful things when he's mad, and he always thinks he's right and that everyone should always listen to him. As a teenager, I'm utterly obsessed with YouTubers, but he doesn't understand that. I doubt he knows anything about me because I can't even talk to him anymore without getting frustrated. Any time I engage in any kind of conversation with him, we always end up fighting, and I always end up crying because he'll insult me about my weight, which I am desperately trying to lose, or he'll insult me on being like a drama queen and he'll call me a b*tch. In one of our earlier fights, I was walking away and I was kind of stomping, and he says "Yeah go away, you're as fat as an elephant." which makes me feel so insecure about myself. Also, he doesn't keep any promises. I've been waiting for him to buy me tickets to Digitour for so long now, and he always says "tomorrow", literally every day. Instead of devoting his time to me, he prefers watching TV and learning about new inventions and crap on Shark Tank. It actually makes me jealous when I see others with dads who love their daughters, and care for them. I have trouble saying 'I love you' to any member of my family because no one ever says it to me. I just wish my dad cared about me like other dads.

I'm sorry your dad is such a jerk and says terrible things to you. He's verbally abusive to call you names and criticize you. That's so wrong for a parent to do. I'm so sorry you have to endure this from him. I hope that some day you will be able to get a good job and move out!

You deserve to have a kind father who loves you unconditionally. Your father's traits remind me of my father who I regret spending time with. I suggest spending less time with your father and caring less about what he thinks. The fact that he has few friends and has lost several jobs speaks volumes. Also, because you recognize his negative traits, you will not turn out like him. Surround yourself with good people and try and forget about your Dad. Avoid him. He's a broken person and you have a great life ahead of you. Work on making your dreams come true and discuss your dreams with people who are nice to you. Few people have normal fathers. And, there are many of us like yourself who wished we had a better father. I never cried when my father died. He was a jerk.

I know it's been a while since you posted this, but I agree with you all the way. I can relate with you completely and your dad is almost exactly like my dad, and because nobody can talk to my dad about anything important he may not like, my mom divorced him. I wish I were my mom. Then I could divorce him.

Yeah me too, I hate life

My dad is saddly the same. Just a few minuts ago he said that if i dont get 100% on my exams that he would take away all my electronics (computer, iPhone, TV, Wii, ect. Anything that uses electricity) for a whole year (its january). When i told him that it was a bit rediculous, he told me that i had to copy my 20 pages of steady notes 10 times over. WTF. Sigh. He just sits at home all day while i get bullied at school and when i get home he's the one who's all angery. I wish i was jesus. He had a great father.

Im glad I'm not the only one suffering from the same situation...I know that mine will always be the same person and I just wished that he would try to understand more rather than always thinking hes right and forcing his opinion on others and he thinks he knows more about me than I know myself. I don't want to hate him cause life is too short to get carried away by stress and just too much anger at the same dad is not exactly an ideal dad I look for in a dad. :(

You're not alone is all that I can say. My dad's the same,and all I do is hope that he just goes away from our lives.

Jesus, this was posted in 2007, I hope you've now overcome that issue... Unfortunetly, all you wrote happens to be my story aswell, I'm 16 and I just want to leave the house, I'm a hard worker, I'm not good at studying, but I've helped him thousands of times in his job, I always clean the house, yet all he does is take away my money given to me by my grandparents or my birthday/christmas gifts, saying he'll return it, but never keeping up with his word... Also, he spends a lot more money on his nephews without hesitating, rather than me and my sisters, he forbids me of being with my friends, and he's not afraid of embarrassing me in front of them, he is always on a bad mood, insulting my mother, me, my sisters and his parents with horrible names, he does nothing for the house, other than bringing money by selling cars (which are often bought with my mother's salary) and when he is on a good mood, that never lasts more than 30 min, he does childish stuff, such as burnouts in public parking lots, which are rather embarrassing since he is the only person doing them, plus he is alone, and whenever he is with his friends, he is never the same person... He has no respect for my personal needs, he is a total innocent, and I just can't put up with this figure anymore

im exactly the same here my dad is a narcisist and basicly exactly the same as your dad no diferent so your not the only one :/

Why do so many people have dads (and sometimes mothers) that are so angry? My dad will come and literally LOOK for a reason to make my family feel terrible. We've confronted him about his verbal abuse before but I'm starting to think people can't change which scares me. He hurts my brother verbally and I worry for him so much. What do we do?

Miserable people sometimes try to make the people around them miserable too. That is why your dad looks for a reason to make the family feel terrible. He is mentally ill. I'm sorry that you have to live with that abuse. Is there a school counselor that you can talk to?

my dad is the exact opposite and I hate it. he acts like he doesn't know anything, and if you tell him something that he doesn't like, he won't actually ever admit it, he'll just say that you won't like it, when really I actually do! and if it is okay to him, he'll say ahh duhh ahhh ok.....? like wtf, I kinda feel bad for him; it's like he never took control of his life...

my dad dosent let me go on my phone and cant leave the "studying" room until dinner. this is our first year studying and he expected over 70% in my half yearly exam. when i get 79% he dosent seem happy. the next day my brother gets his marks and he gets 77%. i was still in year seven. from the start of the summer holidays before high school i wasn't even allowed to play video games or even go on our COMPUTER. and then after getting 79% he says next time get 90% when this was our first year studying. he says we can only play on Sundays up to 12 noon. when i get my yearly marks he says whoever gets 85% and over can only play. but when my brother gets 71% he says reboot my computer, pack up my xbox and never allowed to play, never even check the time on my phone and cant leave the room until we have dinner. today he says if i make you eat **** for dinner u eat **** and if i don't get 95% next year (which is gonna be 2x harder) i will be kicked out of the house. and then he said to my sister if you don't get highs in your report ill rip your head apart. i was thinking this is the shittest dad ive ever had. so now id get kicked out now or wait another year of studying and HELL IN MY ******* HOUSE WITH MY ******* DAD i dont want to so ill probably get kicked out because this dad is the most painful dad so i hope you know how my life feels and now i want to kill my self i really want to complain to my dad and yell at him but his like the leader of a prison

i know how you feel. Its like a monster you're trying to get rid of but that monster is your father. My own waste of space as a dad was about to hurt my sister and my mum didn't do anything and i got into trouble by my mum because i stopped him from hurting her. i really wish i could be someone else but it cant happen. just try to stay and keep your calm in fact if you really hate him just ignore him. Because unfortunately thats the bitter side of life.

my dad shows all his anger towards me when something bad happens to him outside because of him.because of his erratic behaviour my family lost about 15-20 crs of money this happened when iwasnot born .loss of money he pressures me to get job my age is only all my family looks towards me for further living

Everyone I tell about just says that I have to deal with it. You only have one true father and there's no way of escaping. You have to just keep your cool and not shout at him as payback, because that will make him much more angry

My dad isn't very much like yours, but in a way he's just as bad, if in a different way. I'm so scared of turning out like him.
And he's moving in with me now, bringing his girlfriend and his crap all over again.
He's an alcoholic, and he's irresponsible and he's never around, and honestly, I've lost faith in him.
My mother says I should try to get along with him. But I don't want to, because it won't take him long to let me down again. :(

i can understand. My dad is also like that.

My husband was raised by a father who betrayed and rejected him and his sisters in favor of his new wife and her son. His father even disowned him and gave his stepson his inheritance! Despite all this, I watched for years as my husband tried everything to earn his father's love. Finally, a few months ago, he gave up when he discovered that his dad had thrown away all the pictures of him in the river years ago. I met those parents, and they are twisted people. My husband is a bitter, angry man, and he is very difficult to live with because his parents ruined him. He is an alcoholic, and I am suffering today. Please realize that you can't earn your father's love if he can't or won't give it. I am sorry that you are suffering so much rejection. There is a Christian book called The Blessing, and it can help you understand what the blessing is that fathers should give to their children, and what you can do if you don't get that blessing. I hope this helps.

Your response is very wise. I too was raised by an emotionally abusive father who favored his son over is daughters. He drank and was very self-centered. I threw away pictures of him years ago. Because my father drank, I don't drink. Because he was angry and mean, I refuse to be angry and mean. Because he didn't love his children unconditionally, I love my children unconditionally. Because my father wasn't there for me many times and yelled and swore at me, I am always here for my kids even though they are now adults too!

We can learn from our parents abusive behavior and decide not to be like them. My Dad was a jerk and I shed no tears when he died.

Take care of yourself and know that you deserve better. May you find peace and kind people who will comfort you.

i'm 16 years old, and i have lived with my dad the past 5 years due to a lot of **** that happened to my mum in my childhood. any way he constantly calls me stupid and dumb. He sometimes calls me pathetic and threatens to hit me if i "talk back". for instance i smoke and i usually get 20-30 a week but all i wanted was a few pounds to get myself some baccy because otherwise i get really angry without it. withdrawal symptoms and all. he wont give me any because i ate upstairs and my desk was messy. i cleaned that up and he still said no. today i asked him to leave me baccy and he just left a note calling me dopey and telling me all the things i did wrong yesterday. i have never heard my dad apologize or even say he loves me, never all i get from him is insults and judgement i never get praised. the only person who ever supports me is my mum. thats why they broke up because he is too grumpy. i have left him a note saying im sick of him being stick for his amusement and unfair punishments and to stop holding the mistakes they make against them. and that he needs to grow up. at this point i dont care if he hits me or not or punishes me if he treats me like **** i will treat him like **** and if he ******* hits me ill hit him back there is so much anger and frustration within me i hate his guts and i will be hostile to him until he treats me like i am not 5 years old and only a year and a mont from adult hood

Your father is a very abusive man, and it would be helpful if you talked to a domestic violence hotline, or a counselor at your school. No matter how perfect a woman could be, she will never be "good" enough to stop the abuse. A miserable man will stay that way, because he will never face his own issues. No one can "save" him, otherwise, he would be normal and happy by his OWN choice by now. You can get help to become emancipated from your dad, and rebuild your life without the hindrence of any man. If you choose to get married someday, it should be to a man who has a high paying job, and who is nice to you and everyone in his life. Quality is worth waiting for. You are quality, too, and you deserve the best. God bless you.

I cant tell you how much i can relate. I have been going through this with my father now. It is so difficult to manage. If it helps any, you are not alone.

As a parent of two adult sons, it breaks my heart to read these stories. If I met a young person with an abusive parent, I would try to help them in some way that was appropriate. My point is that there are other kind parents out there who will help teenagers and children. Look for a safe place to live with another family. Do you have a classmate with parents who will take you in? And report any abuse from your father to the authorities.

Woah. This is my father "to a T". (Just add in some physical abuse when we were younger). I hate to say that it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone about something so awful. I can honestly say that he has completely destroyed me as a person, and that even though I have always had a tender and loving spirit, I feel that with the person that he is in my life that I never had a chance. And through it all, I am looked on as the one now that is such the " failure" because of the drama he casts and simply does not want to reflect, or work on on himself. I know the way this comes off sounds as if I am blaming him for it all and not taking accountability.. And yes I do need to find the strength within myself again. My Spirit has simply been so destroyed that I'm not even sure how to do that anymore. Some people could argue that life could be worse if you had never known a father, and I am Not diminishing individual struggles with this--but for me personally I know that point blank if he had never been in my life that I would be a complete 180 in terms of my personal peace and success etc. Even if I Did have "abandonment issues" or anything relating to that if he hadn't been in my life, it is still a fact that I (and my Brother--even my Mother more than likely) would still have our spirits intact. I would be eons better off without ever having known him. I guess "they" do say that the people that hurt you the most have the most to teach you..I suppose I still have a lot to learn. Be Blessed all~ J.

Please don't give up on becoming a whole person! It will take a while to feel normal and hopeful again, and it can be done in small steps. The first thing you should do is to be gentle with yourself, and be your own best friend. Pamper yourself, as you would do after a hard, grueling day, by taking a bubble bath, buying yourself flowers, or hanging out with a friend. If you can, reaquaint yourself with something you used to do that you enjoy, perhaps learn something new, or volunteer somewhere. You will soon discover what you love, and who you are. Don't let who you are be lost or put away in the closet by any man or woman, and you will flourish. God will help you heal, if you pray.

My dad is exactly like yours honestly If osama bin Laden was still alive I would have paid him millions maybe even billions to ******* give him the most painful death possible

I would do it too!! Totally agree, my father caused nothing in me but pain, i always wish he dies

This sounds so much like what me and my siblings went through.. I always wished that I could have a relaxed father that I could talk to without being scared stiff of him. My dad always tells us that we don't communicate with him but when we tried talking to him about anything big or small. .. he was always too busy on his computer and got irritated whenever we tried to talk to him. . Working full time and holding down a voluntary job on weekends was busy work but on weekends we all had to put in a full afternoon of work at home and gardening. . We never complained but we were constantly yelled at for not working hard enough when in actual fact we were working very hard. Our Father didn't help with this work he just used to sit and tell us what to do and yell at us if everything didn't go absolutely perfect... even our mum had noticed and towards the end she was bring told off for the stupidest things. If something was broken by us he was irate. . He really has anger management problems. When he gets worked up he sometimes throws things around in a rage. .. he acts like a spoilt child who never grew up... but when visitors come which is extremely rare as father was always very antisocial he will act like he is a great father sometimes even joking around with us...but as soon as the visitors leave he goes back to his real self. ..
he has us in tears frequently and he always twists our words to get us in trouble and when you try to explain he has misunderstood he gets irate and says you are back chatting. .. i think maybe the time has come to leave home. .. it's made me a very nervous non confident person. ..The only time I feel like I have a real life is when i am away from him and with workmates or my real friends. I don't hate my father but I wonder if he hates me. .. The way he acts certainly implies that. .!

OMG! If you can get away from that ogre, please do! He sounds like an irrational, twisted person to me. He seems delusional and severely mentally ill.

Wow, it was as if I was reading my own life. My dad doesn't call me mean names, but he's screwed up. He's rude, obnoxious, and self-righteous, and the way he treats my mom makes me hate him all the more. My mom is trying to afford my brother and I to go to school and he just thinks she's cheating. Sometimes I wish she were so we can leave this lunatic. A lot of my traits are coming off on me, and like you, I'd rather die than be like him.

I hope we can all grow into our own skin...