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Why Can't My Father Be a Normal Loving Dad?

I have never hated anyone before, but I can honestly say that I hate my father. Why? Because for my whole life I have put up with his incessant perfectionism, obsession with small detail, short temper, criticism, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. He is a very opinionated and angry person and has no hesitation in showing it, both at home and in public. He thinks he is always right and every one else is wrong, and expects to have everything his way. My family have tried to talk to him about his behaviour, but he gets very defensive and loses his temper. He has lost several jobs and doesn't have many friends - that says it all. I don't know why my mother didn't leave him years ago. The worst part is I fear my father's horrid personality is rubbing off on me. I see some of his traits in me, and it sickens me. I would rather die than turn out like him. I don't have many friends and I worry that it is because I am like him. I try not to be like him, and I try hard to make friends, but for some reason it just doesn't work out. Why can't I have a normal father? You know, someone who is relaxed and easy to get along with; someone I can be around without the worry of being told off or criticised; someone who doesn't lose his temper whenever he doesn't get his way; or at least a father who doesn't call me hurtful names and do spiteful things when he is angry. I have never known what it is like to have a warm loving father; a father who doesn't just say he loves me but actually shows it. I have never had a proper father figure in my life, someone I admire and am proud of. And I guess I will never know.
Louey Louey 31-35, F 68 Responses Sep 16, 2007

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I completely understand all of you. Im already 23 years old and all my dad do is to treat me and my mum badly. He always complains, criticizes me. He prefer to listen to others rather than me or mum. Mostly his sister is always involved in our family And he always pays for his siblings expenses and their sons university fees. When i ask to do master or go somewhere he says i spend alot. I am graduating this summer and he is now forcing me to work in his company, have no social life and be under his control forever. He was never curious about me, my friends. He only complained about me. But i must say i studied in too highschool and going to graduate from top university. I thought he would feel proud but he just sees me as a dumb and useless person. I dont know what to do honestly, i want to work abroad and earn my own money but then again im stuck here im dependent and cant plan anyhing on my own because he always ruins my hopes my future plans. Tell me guys which father tells their daughter that he isnt excited to see me anymore? I study abroad, havent seen him 6 months and this is the reply i get from him. He sees me as a burden. I hate my life i just dont know what i can do.

This is exactly what is happening to me. I am 11 years old and I never new what's it's like to have a dad that will play with you, take you to cool places,.......love you. My mom really wants a divorce but I am trying for that not to happen because I know it will hurt my whole family. My dad thinks that I am the one causing this divorce, so I don't know what to do. Please, help me:(

ikr my father is so ******* annoying mean and strict *******

I know this is an old post, but I just want to say you're not alone. About a year ago, my father became a religious fanatic. Now he's always been a thick skinned ******* who knows little but thinks he knows it all and won't hide that trait. Ever since this religious fit, anything I do that could be considered "wrong" IE: drinking, smoking, sex (this happened ages 17-18 for me btw) must mean I am blinded by Satan and need help. I am a good guy; top in the class, varsity sports, lots of friends but nothing I do will ever get his attention as a good son. He never spent time with me as a kid and wonders why we don't now. My mother is too kind to leave him because she knows he wouldn't survive on his own (work related accident left him depressed & injured and he's always been an ******* on top of that). I wish he would just disappear... but I just needed to vent, understand that it can always get better when it only seems to be getting worse. I hope you have a wonderful life :)

Thank you. This helped a lot :) this is almost exactly what is happening to me.

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my dad is a *******

Wow, that sounds just like my father, conditional love, if I don't do what he wants then he doesn't help me. Im 50 years old and he treats me like I am 16 and don't know anything. He holds things over my head to control me, my ex-husband helped me see these things, growing up I knew he was mean and miserable but didn't realize how controlling he was because I grew up that way. If he does help me in any way financially, fixing my car or something needed for my house he implies that he has to take care of me and that isn't his job and they have a lot of money. I have 2 children and if they needed something because they couldn't afford it and I had the money to help I would because they are my children and I love them and I would never make them feel like they were a burden. I am on Social Security Disability because I have severe depression and anxiety and I know you shouldn't blame people for what is wrong with you but I see now how my fathers mean, nasty personality has made me how I am, I have very low self esteem, no confidence and its because I never got any praise, compliments, encouragement or support because I was not aloud to make any decisions because if he didn't agree with them, it didn't happen.

Now my mother has Alhzeimers and he needs my help with her and to take care of the house and their bills and I feel so horrible because I feel like I don't love him, I will take care of my parents because that is my duty as their child. Deep down I know that I am a good and caring person, lots of people tell me but I hold such anger towards my father that I feel like I am a horrible person.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to vent!

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i love my daddy baby.

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I'm 15, and for my entire life, I've struggled with having a consistent relationship with my father. He is narcissistic, he gaslights, he doesn't show up for me, and more recently, instead of just attacking my mother, who he's divorced from, he's been attacking me. Not physically thank God... But emotionally, verbally, on Facebook and in texts. I can't and will not take it anymore. He thinks me speaking my truth is abuse? Ha! What a ******* jackass for not even trying to make amends with me. I just want to feel loved, is that so wrong?? Apparently being a dad is just too ******* hard for him, and it will never be worth it, so why even bother? I told him that until he really decides to love me and show me that he loves me, I'm not going to put up with his bullshit. That he should feel pain because of these words, because I really matter. I'm not just a person. I'm a human being, I'm his daughter, I have a heart, and he's left a lot of scars on it throughout my CHILDHOOD, because of what he's said and done, and not said and not done. I can truly say that I have no compassion for him. He chooses to not change his ways, and I will not have any remorse for him. He deserves to not have a loving relationship with his only daughter if being a terrible father is what he has decided to be. Ugh. ****.

My dad is exactly like yours. And I do see some of his traits rubbing off on me, although it doesn't interfere much with me making friends. He calls me very hurtful things when he's mad, and he always thinks he's right and that everyone should always listen to him. As a teenager, I'm utterly obsessed with YouTubers, but he doesn't understand that. I doubt he knows anything about me because I can't even talk to him anymore without getting frustrated. Any time I engage in any kind of conversation with him, we always end up fighting, and I always end up crying because he'll insult me about my weight, which I am desperately trying to lose, or he'll insult me on being like a drama queen and he'll call me a b*tch. In one of our earlier fights, I was walking away and I was kind of stomping, and he says "Yeah go away, you're as fat as an elephant." which makes me feel so insecure about myself. Also, he doesn't keep any promises. I've been waiting for him to buy me tickets to Digitour for so long now, and he always says "tomorrow", literally every day. Instead of devoting his time to me, he prefers watching TV and learning about new inventions and crap on Shark Tank. It actually makes me jealous when I see others with dads who love their daughters, and care for them. I have trouble saying 'I love you' to any member of my family because no one ever says it to me. I just wish my dad cared about me like other dads.

I'm sorry your dad is such a jerk and says terrible things to you. He's verbally abusive to call you names and criticize you. That's so wrong for a parent to do. I'm so sorry you have to endure this from him. I hope that some day you will be able to get a good job and move out!

You deserve to have a kind father who loves you unconditionally. Your father's traits remind me of my father who I regret spending time with. I suggest spending less time with your father and caring less about what he thinks. The fact that he has few friends and has lost several jobs speaks volumes. Also, because you recognize his negative traits, you will not turn out like him. Surround yourself with good people and try and forget about your Dad. Avoid him. He's a broken person and you have a great life ahead of you. Work on making your dreams come true and discuss your dreams with people who are nice to you. Few people have normal fathers. And, there are many of us like yourself who wished we had a better father. I never cried when my father died. He was a jerk.

I know it's been a while since you posted this, but I agree with you all the way. I can relate with you completely and your dad is almost exactly like my dad, and because nobody can talk to my dad about anything important he may not like, my mom divorced him. I wish I were my mom. Then I could divorce him.

Yeah me too, I hate life

My dad is saddly the same. Just a few minuts ago he said that if i dont get 100% on my exams that he would take away all my electronics (computer, iPhone, TV, Wii, ect. Anything that uses electricity) for a whole year (its january). When i told him that it was a bit rediculous, he told me that i had to copy my 20 pages of steady notes 10 times over. WTF. Sigh. He just sits at home all day while i get bullied at school and when i get home he's the one who's all angery. I wish i was jesus. He had a great father.

Im glad I'm not the only one suffering from the same situation...I know that mine will always be the same person and I just wished that he would try to understand more rather than always thinking hes right and forcing his opinion on others and he thinks he knows more about me than I know myself. I don't want to hate him cause life is too short to get carried away by stress and just too much anger at the same time..my dad is not exactly an ideal dad I look for in a dad. :(
 

You're not alone is all that I can say. My dad's the same,and all I do is hope that he just goes away from our lives.

Jesus, this was posted in 2007, I hope you've now overcome that issue... Unfortunetly, all you wrote happens to be my story aswell, I'm 16 and I just want to leave the house, I'm a hard worker, I'm not good at studying, but I've helped him thousands of times in his job, I always clean the house, yet all he does is take away my money given to me by my grandparents or my birthday/christmas gifts, saying he'll return it, but never keeping up with his word... Also, he spends a lot more money on his nephews without hesitating, rather than me and my sisters, he forbids me of being with my friends, and he's not afraid of embarrassing me in front of them, he is always on a bad mood, insulting my mother, me, my sisters and his parents with horrible names, he does nothing for the house, other than bringing money by selling cars (which are often bought with my mother's salary) and when he is on a good mood, that never lasts more than 30 min, he does childish stuff, such as burnouts in public parking lots, which are rather embarrassing since he is the only person doing them, plus he is alone, and whenever he is with his friends, he is never the same person... He has no respect for my personal needs, he is a total innocent, and I just can't put up with this figure anymore

im exactly the same here my dad is a narcisist and basicly exactly the same as your dad no diferent so your not the only one :/

Why do so many people have dads (and sometimes mothers) that are so angry? My dad will come and literally LOOK for a reason to make my family feel terrible. We've confronted him about his verbal abuse before but I'm starting to think people can't change which scares me. He hurts my brother verbally and I worry for him so much. What do we do?

Miserable people sometimes try to make the people around them miserable too. That is why your dad looks for a reason to make the family feel terrible. He is mentally ill. I'm sorry that you have to live with that abuse. Is there a school counselor that you can talk to?

my dad is the exact opposite and I hate it. he acts like he doesn't know anything, and if you tell him something that he doesn't like, he won't actually ever admit it, he'll just say that you won't like it, when really I actually do! and if it is okay to him, he'll say ahh duhh ahhh ok.....? like wtf, I kinda feel bad for him; it's like he never took control of his life...

my dad dosent let me go on my phone and cant leave the "studying" room until dinner. this is our first year studying and he expected over 70% in my half yearly exam. when i get 79% he dosent seem happy. the next day my brother gets his marks and he gets 77%. i was still in year seven. from the start of the summer holidays before high school i wasn't even allowed to play video games or even go on our COMPUTER. and then after getting 79% he says next time get 90% when this was our first year studying. he says we can only play on Sundays up to 12 noon. when i get my yearly marks he says whoever gets 85% and over can only play. but when my brother gets 71% he says reboot my computer, pack up my xbox and never allowed to play, never even check the time on my phone and cant leave the room until we have dinner. today he says if i make you eat **** for dinner u eat **** and if i don't get 95% next year (which is gonna be 2x harder) i will be kicked out of the house. and then he said to my sister if you don't get highs in your report ill rip your head apart. i was thinking this is the shittest dad ive ever had. so now id get kicked out now or wait another year of studying and HELL IN MY ******* HOUSE WITH MY ******* DAD i dont want to so ill probably get kicked out because this dad is the most painful dad so i hope you know how my life feels and now i want to kill my self i really want to complain to my dad and yell at him but his like the leader of a prison

i know how you feel. Its like a monster you're trying to get rid of but that monster is your father. My own waste of space as a dad was about to hurt my sister and my mum didn't do anything and i got into trouble by my mum because i stopped him from hurting her. i really wish i could be someone else but it cant happen. just try to stay and keep your calm in fact if you really hate him just ignore him. Because unfortunately thats the bitter side of life.

my dad shows all his anger towards me when something bad happens to him outside because of him.because of his erratic behaviour my family lost about 15-20 crs of money this happened when iwasnot born .loss of money he pressures me to get job my age is only 18.now all my family looks towards me for further living

Everyone I tell about just says that I have to deal with it. You only have one true father and there's no way of escaping. You have to just keep your cool and not shout at him as payback, because that will make him much more angry

My dad isn't very much like yours, but in a way he's just as bad, if in a different way. I'm so scared of turning out like him.
And he's moving in with me now, bringing his girlfriend and his crap all over again.
He's an alcoholic, and he's irresponsible and he's never around, and honestly, I've lost faith in him.
My mother says I should try to get along with him. But I don't want to, because it won't take him long to let me down again. :(

i can understand. My dad is also like that.

My husband was raised by a father who betrayed and rejected him and his sisters in favor of his new wife and her son. His father even disowned him and gave his stepson his inheritance! Despite all this, I watched for years as my husband tried everything to earn his father's love. Finally, a few months ago, he gave up when he discovered that his dad had thrown away all the pictures of him in the river years ago. I met those parents, and they are twisted people. My husband is a bitter, angry man, and he is very difficult to live with because his parents ruined him. He is an alcoholic, and I am suffering today. Please realize that you can't earn your father's love if he can't or won't give it. I am sorry that you are suffering so much rejection. There is a Christian book called The Blessing, and it can help you understand what the blessing is that fathers should give to their children, and what you can do if you don't get that blessing. I hope this helps.

Your response is very wise. I too was raised by an emotionally abusive father who favored his son over is daughters. He drank and was very self-centered. I threw away pictures of him years ago. Because my father drank, I don't drink. Because he was angry and mean, I refuse to be angry and mean. Because he didn't love his children unconditionally, I love my children unconditionally. Because my father wasn't there for me many times and yelled and swore at me, I am always here for my kids even though they are now adults too!

We can learn from our parents abusive behavior and decide not to be like them. My Dad was a jerk and I shed no tears when he died.

Take care of yourself and know that you deserve better. May you find peace and kind people who will comfort you.

i'm 16 years old, and i have lived with my dad the past 5 years due to a lot of **** that happened to my mum in my childhood. any way he constantly calls me stupid and dumb. He sometimes calls me pathetic and threatens to hit me if i "talk back". for instance i smoke and i usually get 20-30 a week but all i wanted was a few pounds to get myself some baccy because otherwise i get really angry without it. withdrawal symptoms and all. he wont give me any because i ate upstairs and my desk was messy. i cleaned that up and he still said no. today i asked him to leave me baccy and he just left a note calling me dopey and telling me all the things i did wrong yesterday. i have never heard my dad apologize or even say he loves me, never all i get from him is insults and judgement i never get praised. the only person who ever supports me is my mum. thats why they broke up because he is too grumpy. i have left him a note saying im sick of him being stick for his amusement and unfair punishments and to stop holding the mistakes they make against them. and that he needs to grow up. at this point i dont care if he hits me or not or punishes me if he treats me like **** i will treat him like **** and if he ******* hits me ill hit him back there is so much anger and frustration within me i hate his guts and i will be hostile to him until he treats me like i am not 5 years old and only a year and a mont from adult hood

Your father is a very abusive man, and it would be helpful if you talked to a domestic violence hotline, or a counselor at your school. No matter how perfect a woman could be, she will never be "good" enough to stop the abuse. A miserable man will stay that way, because he will never face his own issues. No one can "save" him, otherwise, he would be normal and happy by his OWN choice by now. You can get help to become emancipated from your dad, and rebuild your life without the hindrence of any man. If you choose to get married someday, it should be to a man who has a high paying job, and who is nice to you and everyone in his life. Quality is worth waiting for. You are quality, too, and you deserve the best. God bless you.

I cant tell you how much i can relate. I have been going through this with my father now. It is so difficult to manage. If it helps any, you are not alone.

As a parent of two adult sons, it breaks my heart to read these stories. If I met a young person with an abusive parent, I would try to help them in some way that was appropriate. My point is that there are other kind parents out there who will help teenagers and children. Look for a safe place to live with another family. Do you have a classmate with parents who will take you in? And report any abuse from your father to the authorities.

Woah. This is my father "to a T". (Just add in some physical abuse when we were younger). I hate to say that it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone about something so awful. I can honestly say that he has completely destroyed me as a person, and that even though I have always had a tender and loving spirit, I feel that with the person that he is in my life that I never had a chance. And through it all, I am looked on as the one now that is such the " failure" because of the drama he casts and simply does not want to reflect, or work on on himself. I know the way this comes off sounds as if I am blaming him for it all and not taking accountability.. And yes I do need to find the strength within myself again. My Spirit has simply been so destroyed that I'm not even sure how to do that anymore. Some people could argue that life could be worse if you had never known a father, and I am Not diminishing individual struggles with this--but for me personally I know that point blank if he had never been in my life that I would be a complete 180 in terms of my personal peace and success etc. Even if I Did have "abandonment issues" or anything relating to that if he hadn't been in my life, it is still a fact that I (and my Brother--even my Mother more than likely) would still have our spirits intact. I would be eons better off without ever having known him. I guess "they" do say that the people that hurt you the most have the most to teach you..I suppose I still have a lot to learn. Be Blessed all~ J.

Please don't give up on becoming a whole person! It will take a while to feel normal and hopeful again, and it can be done in small steps. The first thing you should do is to be gentle with yourself, and be your own best friend. Pamper yourself, as you would do after a hard, grueling day, by taking a bubble bath, buying yourself flowers, or hanging out with a friend. If you can, reaquaint yourself with something you used to do that you enjoy, perhaps learn something new, or volunteer somewhere. You will soon discover what you love, and who you are. Don't let who you are be lost or put away in the closet by any man or woman, and you will flourish. God will help you heal, if you pray.

My dad is exactly like yours honestly If osama bin Laden was still alive I would have paid him millions maybe even billions to ******* give him the most painful death possible

I would do it too!! Totally agree, my father caused nothing in me but pain, i always wish he dies

This sounds so much like what me and my siblings went through.. I always wished that I could have a relaxed father that I could talk to without being scared stiff of him. My dad always tells us that we don't communicate with him but when we tried talking to him about anything big or small. .. he was always too busy on his computer and got irritated whenever we tried to talk to him. . Working full time and holding down a voluntary job on weekends was busy work but on weekends we all had to put in a full afternoon of work at home and gardening. . We never complained but we were constantly yelled at for not working hard enough when in actual fact we were working very hard. Our Father didn't help with this work he just used to sit and tell us what to do and yell at us if everything didn't go absolutely perfect... even our mum had noticed and towards the end she was bring told off for the stupidest things. If something was broken by us he was irate. . He really has anger management problems. When he gets worked up he sometimes throws things around in a rage. .. he acts like a spoilt child who never grew up... but when visitors come which is extremely rare as father was always very antisocial he will act like he is a great father sometimes even joking around with us...but as soon as the visitors leave he goes back to his real self. ..
he has us in tears frequently and he always twists our words to get us in trouble and when you try to explain he has misunderstood he gets irate and says you are back chatting. .. i think maybe the time has come to leave home. .. it's made me a very nervous non confident person. ..The only time I feel like I have a real life is when i am away from him and with workmates or my real friends. I don't hate my father but I wonder if he hates me. .. The way he acts certainly implies that. .!

OMG! If you can get away from that ogre, please do! He sounds like an irrational, twisted person to me. He seems delusional and severely mentally ill.

Wow, it was as if I was reading my own life. My dad doesn't call me mean names, but he's screwed up. He's rude, obnoxious, and self-righteous, and the way he treats my mom makes me hate him all the more. My mom is trying to afford my brother and I to go to school and he just thinks she's cheating. Sometimes I wish she were so we can leave this lunatic. A lot of my traits are coming off on me, and like you, I'd rather die than be like him.

I hope we can all grow into our own skin...

I don't know what do to do we just got out of an argument that he always starts and then he stops in th middle because he is so called tired. It is about me and gaming but my grades are fine and I don't bother him or say stuff about him what should I do I will never know he never gets me but I get him but his way is too harsh and borin he wants me to go to the library read 1 hour and come home then read 20 more min at night and play for 2 hours i basically spent more than half my day for study and the fact that this is summer vacation. He makes me do more than I do at school days.

Our dads have a lot in common. I don't get why is there a need to yell constantly. Honestly, my siblings and I are terrified of him and this has develop into an unhealthy relationship. We do not talk to him and will deliberately try to avoid him just so we don't get criticized for no reasons. For example, I am 5 ft 5 and weigh 110 pounds but I have been told by my dad that I am fat and I should go lose some weight. Also, I got my summer internship at a company with good reputation after going through the grueling process of write resume , cover letters and interviews , I have to reject it after he decided that the company wasn't good enough for him . I ended up interning at a small company in my rustic town that I can't even put it on my résumé because I didn't learn anything useful. I have come to think that he might be bipolar but I am honestly terrified of being near him as I have grown into an adult without any self-confidence due to the frequent criticisms.My mom thinks that my dad really want to push us to become better individuals that strive for success. Hence, it is apparent that my mom is always on my dads side despite the yelling. Sometimes I wonder why my dad can't be caring like other dads. I get jealous when I think of how close my friends are with their dads.

I also feel that, excatly the same way...sometimes i spend hours watching my neighbors lovely dads having healthy fun with their children, loving them unconditionally and never losing the temper, or that rare times, not as huge and furious as my dad

My father is somewhat similar, I'm 19 and still unemployed I've been looking for a job for ages after I lost my previous one which was ages ago and my dad just won't let it go, it's almost like he lives from the thought of me failing life, I can't remember the last time I've hugged him.

In every single argument we have he brings up the past and makes me feel like ****, he verbally abuses me when he sees fit and sometimes when i retaliate he goes mental. he has smashed up my room before and thrown me out a few times. He hides this side of him from my mother because he knows I love her and can talk to her about anything but when it comes to that she is on his side. He never admits he is wrong and when you try to prove him wrong he always has a reason why he is right how ever stupid the reason is.

I used to be 18 stone and he always called me fat boy, I've lost weight since and I'm now 13 and a half stone but I will never feel comfortable with my own body, because his voice just runs though my mind. It's getting worse and I think if it carries on much longer i will leave home for good and never see him again, he's making my life hell and that hurts me even more because he is supposed to be my father who loves me.

my dad looks similar he uses more mild and abused language u can never imagine i wish i could get my job early and as soon as possibleand get rid off him

its kinda good to know that i'm not alone. i wish i could have a warm loving father that dosen't care about his smartphone and cat more than his family, verbally abuses his family but is nice to his fake freinds, thinks hes allways right, is a huge hypocrit, tries so hard to make everybody in his family feel like crap, is full of pride, wasts money on things he dosent need while we barely have any money to spend except for bills or food, hase a short temper and a spiteful nature and is not full of pride and hatefulness. i dont hate my dad but i can't love him anymore. (OMG im crying right now)

well, i dont mean we are poor but he wont stop spending money on useless crap.

so glad I'm not the only one. my dad has made mine and my families lives hell. he suffers with bipolar disorder and does the exact same things you have described. We don't have a lot of money at the moment yet he had loans to buy things like Rolex' and expensive bikes and clothes. He is very nasty to everyone. He had had affairs and my mum keeps trying to leave him but she's just not strong enough. I want a father figure but I really do hate him, I'm embarrassed of him and his behaviour disgusts me. I do not want to end up like him.

U should hate him

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy. <br />
<br />
dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy. <br />
<br />
dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

My father is exactly the same way. For years I've wished I could have a kind, loving father. When I recently asked him why he has never tried to be this way, he said, "That's not my nature". I came here to their home a year ago (I'm an adult, my parents are in their 80's) I wanted to play the good son and help them. My father's constant verbal abuse caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I'm leaving and going back home to heal. My father will never change, he will always be a mean, nasty, bitter, hateful old man. I hate him and I don't care, at this moment, if I never lay eyes on him again. Leaving my kind, beautiful mother hurts. But I have to take care of me right now.

I love my dad because i know that he does have some good qualities but there comes a time when you just have to go on with life without them hurting you anymore. Most of us have low or no self esteem from living in that situation for so long. Always trying to please! So I know I can never work on getting better if I have to deal with the abuse every time I go to visit. He won't change. After so many years, I now know that I can't change him. It is what it is! It's sad. <br />
But really they are mentally ill. I can see that now! It's really mental illness. You just have to keep your distance. I know the envy that you all talk about, hearing about or watching other people have relationships that you wished you had. I now know that I have to accept that this is not how it is for me! But I'm not alone by the sounds of all the other posts. <br />
The only thing that is really hard to handle is when your mom is living there and you have to witness the abuse to her. I always blamed her growing up that she didn't stand up to him. But now I see that she saw no other way, she felt trapped and was beaten down emotionally. The only way she saw to cope was to zone out. Now she feels too old to start over. (she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer) Gee, I wonder why with all the stress she always lived with, beats down your immunities. But that is her life and I need to keep my self mentally healthy. I guess we all have our paths we must walk. <br />
I know that I can acheive happiness for once in my life. I just have to let go of the Hell that I lived through. Give myself time to heal! It's time to start imagining the parent I always wanted and hear the things I wanted them to say to me. I think this will help me get better and start to love myself and my life for once. Good luck to you all!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.<br />
i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE<br />
i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.<br />
about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.<br />
i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?<br />
now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.<br />
i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE<br />
i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.<br />
about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.<br />
i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?<br />
now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

your father sounds so much similar to my father....

i hate my father too because he hurts my mom emotionally!

Me too...

My dad is exactly like your dad! Did he ever hit or abuse you in any way? He used to belt me and hit when I was a little kid. He doesn't belt me anymore, but he stills throws stuff at me whenever he is angry and hits me. He has a really bad temper. I try my best not to bring it out, but sometimes it is so hard because he gets me so angry. He is also the only person I hate. Although im starting to hate my mom because she won't divorce. She always complains about the relationship and him but she will won't divorce. I guess she isn't very brave. he always threatens me and always yells at me if I make a mistake. He says he loves me, but i never believe because he is always angry at me. It's gotten so bad that I wanted to kill him when I was only 12 and now I am 16. AHH! Right now we had a huge fight. aS with friends, I have a lot unlike my dad. I don't have a temper with them, I never get angry. Maybe you have to learn how to control your temper like I am also learning to do. Do not get mad right away. Take a deep breath. i am also afraid i might turn out like my dad, but we have to remember we are not like them. WE actually have a future! I hope my situation gets better but as soon I am 18 I am moving out. Ill pray for you if there is a god maybe something will happen to our stupid dads! haha but seriously don't get suicidal. Everything will work out. I've been telling myself this all my life. F*** my dad. He's a b****! :)

I'm right there with you. Whenever I see a father playing with his kids at the park or someone refers to themselves as a "daddy's girl" - I get a little misty-eyed. It just doesn't compute. I've never had that and I never will. I'm just glad I was able to avoid the curse of marrying a guy just like him.

i have perfect grades. always top 5 in the class of 80 complete AIEEE geniuses. either ways, i am treated as a liability, a waste. a dog would have been treated better.in college i am treated like a born genius by my friends and even by my teachers.My friends always ask my advice if in need of any. yet my father scolds me even for drinking water against his will. but i have learnt that it is the way he treats u that can be changed but it ur ability to understand wht a lame *** son of ***** he is.<br />
and for that i have come with a solution.<br />
<br />
1) V imp. NEVER CRACK A JOKE. Never smile infront of him. but dont look at him frowning.<br />
2) Only respond to what he says. <br />
3) Do not express ur opinion unless asked. and when asked be firm and tell him what u think. no uh.. or hmm.... And never answer by saying "i don't know". [NEVER]<br />
4) Avoid looking at him at all times. it helps by thinking "he is not a person but a ghost"<br />
5) Avoid staying within his presence. if he's in the hall . get out.<br />
6) If abused don't look at him.just nod and mind ur own business.<br />
7) try to avoid the usual abuses. by cleaning ur room. important point: he will look for several ways to find faults. and at these times. get out of his vicinity.<br />
<br />
5th point is the most important of all. And Trust me if these dont work nothing will. 17 years of experience..... ill know.<br />
<br />
i even had time make my own website now. look http://www.funnyforwards.co.cc

i too agree with u bcause iam also experienced but ur website not working dude

my father is no more here, and he was quite like your description.. i know he had his faults. but he was STILL an amazing person and he had his reasons...... i'm sure (i hope) ur fathers too have their reasons- mistakes, failures, problems... you can either<br />
<br />
1. try to understand and be there for him while he's still around<br />
2. ignore that there is a problem and try to live happily, and wait for him to die<br />
<br />
but when he dies, if u really are distant and not attached, u may not feel too much pain, but if there is any love left, PLEASE PLEASE try to fix your relationship. i wish I had!!!!

My father is the same except he acts like he loves me infront of his friends............

for u that is there for me that also not there in my 10th class i got 545 maks /600
another person came with his boy he got 420 he said that there is no diff b/w his and my marks the onwards everytime i am disappointed by myself

Gnarly I know that what you are saying is true, we have to show ourselves to be the better people, but it is just so difficult sometimes. My father makes it his goal to kill every bit of happiness I have and then turn it around on me, saying that I do this to him. He is incredibly proud, arrogant and shockingly racist. When I told him I was getting married to a guy from a different race earlier this year he told me he wished I was dead. He then sent a series of nasty emails and then became increasingly vindictive. I was living at home at the time and he would leave the room whenever I entered it. He spread lies about me to my brother and told him that I had been sleeping around, that I was only getting married as I was pregnant. My brother no longer wants anything to do with me, to be honest he was looking for an excuse to wash his hands of me, he's another a***hole as he displayed signs of my dad from an early stage anyway.<br />
<br />
He is not attending the wedding and if that wasn't hurtful enough he is going out of his way to hurt me and my mother further. He left the house without telling anyone yesterday and we have heard nothing since. His secretary said he had rung her and told her to tell us he would be back next week, and it has broken my mum's heart. I don't allow myself to be excited about my wedding anymore, as I know that each time I am, he senses it and comes forward to attack me.<br />
<br />
I hate this man with all my heart and soul, but I feel as though I am breaking my parents' marriage up and I don't know what to do. I feel as though I have caused my father to act as he has done. He was bad before but since I announced my marriage he has become a million times worse. I feel responsible for my mum's pain.<br />
<br />
I too do not understand the term Daddy's Girl. I am about to marry (I say about to, the wedding's a week away and my dad is capable of anything) the most wonderful man in the world. He is nothing like my father, and I hope that I shall never be. <br />
<br />
I have stayed in the house for my mother, I am so scared as to what he will do to her when I go. She puts up with everything. He is a mean, nasty and deeply pathetic, sick man. I have nothing but hatred in my heart for him. But I don't wish he was dead. That would be too easy for him. I want him to live, to regret his actions, day after day. <br />
<br />
To all those people out there who have fathers as nasty and spiteful as mine: do whatever you can to keep your mum happy. And everytime you cry over him just remember: He'll get his.

my father is the same as yours. he wants everything to be perfect even me and if im not perfect he will usually start shouting! and hits me with anything he has in his hand!

I know how you feel. My dad is very angry and controlling all the time. I´ve talked to my mother about divorce, and she is so scared of him, like that he will stalk her or even kill her if she actually does go through divorce. It´s really hard for us because at the same time I need the financial support, I can´t stand him any longer, he really does have mental problems but is never going to admit it. It just seems to get harder and harder every day.

my dad is also a perfectionist and obssessed mith tiny details! He always has a bad temper but my mum thinks he has a good temper! I can't understand why my mum loves him! You know how daughters are closer to their father? But i hate my dad and i don't like my mum for siding with him! I've heard that daughters will marry someone who is like their father but i hope i'll never meet someone like my dad!

Don't worry, everyone, I have the VERY same feelings, I'm scared I'll turn into him too, but if we are self-aware, we'll all be okay. My dad is a harsh, volatile West African father. I was born and raised in America and the culture shock is pretty huge. My dad doesn't spend time with me, doesn't talk to me about things, and he yells and orders everyone around. He has a king-complex. He blames everyone around him for his problems and he squanders any money that he has on himself instead of taking care of his family. We are living through financial hardship, and have been for years because my mother's income is not enough to support all of us. My dad is selfish and never seems to think he's wrong, and I don't know why my mom stays. It makes me resent her a bit, even though I love her and I consider her my best friend. I just don't want a relationship like that for myself, and God-willing I won't let myself slip up into accepting less than I deserve.

You will never become like your father so long as you are aware of yourself. <br />
<br />
We all get angry and frustrated during crappy situations - so don't blame yourself or even consider for a moment that this makes you like him. Getting angry is normal. It doesn't make you horrible. <br />
<br />
But next time you lose your temper, do your best not to become vicious. Yell if you like. Scream and stamp your feet. Tell him he's making you miserable. But don't succumb to the temptation of calling him a failure, or that he's disgusting. Because THAT will make you more like him.<br />
<br />
I've found that I'm more personable to people who are personable towards me. I'm happier and friendlier in a happy, pressure-free environment. I'm sure you are too. <br />
<br />
Cut yourself some slack. And then cut your dad some slack. He seems really pitiable. At least you have a future. He seems to have no way out of his horrible, negative lifestyle. <br />
<br />
Being in a negative environment for so long can make you hard, and hurt, and bitter. I'd say get out as soon as you can, and then try and forge a tentative relationship with him from a distance, when you are comfortable. <br />
<br />
Because really, from what you say, he sounds like a very sad man. He's alienated everyone who cares about him and now he's alone. Imagine how that must feel. Esp. since it's all his fault.<br />
<br />
You are strong, and you are rational. So chin up and try to build up some good vibes in yourself. Because by doing this you are going to save yourself, and you are going to give your mother hope and strength too.<br />
<br />
Whenever I was confronted by my abusive parent, all I chanted in my mind was: "I'm never going to be like that."<br />
<br />
And I'm not. <br />
<br />
You need to step out of the mess to get things in perspective. Then you can go back and try to fix things, if you want to. <br />
<br />
Bad vibes with your family can really affect your relationships with people. The moment you are out of that mess, you will slowly start to build up good vibes for yourself. You'll realise that you AREN'T inherently bitchy, and that you ARE confident, and that you DO recognise the difference between right and wrong. And people will notice those good vibes and be drawn to you. Because you'll be out of that negative environment, you'll become more relaxed and personable.<br />
<br />
Y'know, we all keep saying "I hate my father" but isn't that because we love them in the first place? We love them so much but they treat us so badly. And then we get hurt and angry and we all wonder "WHY!!!?? WHAT DID I DO!?"<br />
<br />
Parents can be silly. They don't notice the most important things, sometimes. <br />
<br />
Also... don't be too offended by this next comment - I think that if your mother was strong enough, and confident enough, that she should leave him and get you away from that miserable environment. Honestly, I think she should be a little stronger for your sake. And your siblings', if you have any. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I know we're all rooting for you. Good vibes, friend.

its like looking into a mirror

Yea my dad is the same as yours but worser. He is worser because he used to physically abuse me and my little bother but especially me. He is a crazy, prejudice, racist, liar, and a mean old man!

You know, I wish I could have a normal father, too. I asked him one time while he was freaking out on all of us, "Don't you think we want to have a good relationship with you, Don't you think we want to have a Dad whom we love and who loves us back?!" And he said "You (this time it was pointed at me)? No, never!" No, who wants a Dad, right? I just want a Dad. Not a perfect father, just a Dad. Someone who doesn't hate me. That's all.

My grandfather and my father is the same as yours , althoug my father hated his father so so much he became like him and i am afraid i will be the same

My dad is verbally abusive..I'm sixteen.<br />
I HAVE to go visit him until I'm eighteen, I don't know how to get out of it. I dread going to his house..<br />
My parents have been divorced since I was five.<br />
My dad was VERY controlling towards my mom & verbally abusive to her.<br />
All he does is put me down & yell at me if I don't do something "right".<br />
He's a complete control freak.<br />
It's depressing..I'm sixteen, I think I should have a choice.

The first step is awareness and the next step is to pull yourself up if you notice any similar behaviours. It's hard though. Stuff just slips out sideways with me. And then once it's too late and the damage is done, I absolutely hate myself because I acted just like him. I figure it is going to take years to undo.

My dad is pretty much the same way. I feel exactly the way you feel and I am so scared that I will become exactly like him and that oneday when Iget married and have kids I will treat them like he has treated my mom and me. I can see somethings about me that are like him now and it scares me.

Thanks SaturnGirl, I hope you're right.

My father is the same way in some ways as your father and worse than your father in other ways that I will not go into right now. <br />
<br />
I didn't become him and I will never become him. It was extremely difficult to achieve that because his perfectionism and criticism was rubbing off on me. His anger did too and I really had to pause and ask myself if I need to react in a certain way in a situation. <br />
<br />
Everyday is a challenge but as long as you take it one day at a time and think before you speak or react you will be fine ... eventually