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Why Can't My Father Be a Normal Loving Dad?

I have never hated anyone before, but I can honestly say that I hate my father. Why? Because for my whole life I have put up with his incessant perfectionism, obsession with small detail, short temper, criticism, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. He is a very opinionated and angry person and has no hesitation in showing it, both at home and in public. He thinks he is always right and every one else is wrong, and expects to have everything his way. My family have tried to talk to him about his behaviour, but he gets very defensive and loses his temper. He has lost several jobs and doesn't have many friends - that says it all. I don't know why my mother didn't leave him years ago. The worst part is I fear my father's horrid personality is rubbing off on me. I see some of his traits in me, and it sickens me. I would rather die than turn out like him. I don't have many friends and I worry that it is because I am like him. I try not to be like him, and I try hard to make friends, but for some reason it just doesn't work out. Why can't I have a normal father? You know, someone who is relaxed and easy to get along with; someone I can be around without the worry of being told off or criticised; someone who doesn't lose his temper whenever he doesn't get his way; or at least a father who doesn't call me hurtful names and do spiteful things when he is angry. I have never known what it is like to have a warm loving father; a father who doesn't just say he loves me but actually shows it. I have never had a proper father figure in my life, someone I admire and am proud of. And I guess I will never know.
Louey Louey 31-35, F 48 Responses Sep 16, 2007

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Why do so many people have dads (and sometimes mothers) that are so angry? My dad will come and literally LOOK for a reason to make my family feel terrible. We've confronted him about his verbal abuse before but I'm starting to think people can't change which scares me. He hurts my brother verbally and I worry for him so much. What do we do?

my dad is the exact opposite and I hate it. he acts like he doesn't know anything, and if you tell him something that he doesn't like, he won't actually ever admit it, he'll just say that you won't like it, when really I actually do! and if it is okay to him, he'll say ahh duhh ahhh ok.....? like wtf, I kinda feel bad for him; it's like he never took control of his life...

my dad dosent let me go on my phone and cant leave the "studying" room until dinner. this is our first year studying and he expected over 70% in my half yearly exam. when i get 79% he dosent seem happy. the next day my brother gets his marks and he gets 77%. i was still in year seven. from the start of the summer holidays before high school i wasn't even allowed to play video games or even go on our COMPUTER. and then after getting 79% he says next time get 90% when this was our first year studying. he says we can only play on Sundays up to 12 noon. when i get my yearly marks he says whoever gets 85% and over can only play. but when my brother gets 71% he says reboot my computer, pack up my xbox and never allowed to play, never even check the time on my phone and cant leave the room until we have dinner. today he says if i make you eat **** for dinner u eat **** and if i don't get 95% next year (which is gonna be 2x harder) i will be kicked out of the house. and then he said to my sister if you don't get highs in your report ill rip your head apart. i was thinking this is the shittest dad ive ever had. so now id get kicked out now or wait another year of studying and HELL IN MY ******* HOUSE WITH MY ******* DAD i dont want to so ill probably get kicked out because this dad is the most painful dad so i hope you know how my life feels and now i want to kill my self i really want to complain to my dad and yell at him but his like the leader of a prison

i know how you feel. Its like a monster you're trying to get rid of but that monster is your father. My own waste of space as a dad was about to hurt my sister and my mum didn't do anything and i got into trouble by my mum because i stopped him from hurting her. i really wish i could be someone else but it cant happen. just try to stay and keep your calm in fact if you really hate him just ignore him. Because unfortunately thats the bitter side of life.

my dad shows all his anger towards me when something bad happens to him outside because of him.because of his erratic behaviour my family lost about 15-20 crs of money this happened when iwasnot born .loss of money he pressures me to get job my age is only 18.now all my family looks towards me for further living

Everyone I tell about just says that I have to deal with it. You only have one true father and there's no way of escaping. You have to just keep your cool and not shout at him as payback, because that will make him much more angry

My dad isn't very much like yours, but in a way he's just as bad, if in a different way. I'm so scared of turning out like him.
And he's moving in with me now, bringing his girlfriend and his crap all over again.
He's an alcoholic, and he's irresponsible and he's never around, and honestly, I've lost faith in him.
My mother says I should try to get along with him. But I don't want to, because it won't take him long to let me down again. :(

i can understand. My dad is also like that.

My husband was raised by a father who betrayed and rejected him and his sisters in favor of his new wife and her son. His father even disowned him and gave his stepson his inheritance! Despite all this, I watched for years as my husband tried everything to earn his father's love. Finally, a few months ago, he gave up when he discovered that his dad had thrown away all the pictures of him in the river years ago. I met those parents, and they are twisted people. My husband is a bitter, angry man, and he is very difficult to live with because his parents ruined him. He is an alcoholic, and I am suffering today. Please realize that you can't earn your father's love if he can't or won't give it. I am sorry that you are suffering so much rejection. There is a Christian book called The Blessing, and it can help you understand what the blessing is that fathers should give to their children, and what you can do if you don't get that blessing. I hope this helps.

i'm 16 years old, and i have lived with my dad the past 5 years due to a lot of **** that happened to my mum in my childhood. any way he constantly calls me stupid and dumb. He sometimes calls me pathetic and threatens to hit me if i "talk back". for instance i smoke and i usually get 20-30 a week but all i wanted was a few pounds to get myself some baccy because otherwise i get really angry without it. withdrawal symptoms and all. he wont give me any because i ate upstairs and my desk was messy. i cleaned that up and he still said no. today i asked him to leave me baccy and he just left a note calling me dopey and telling me all the things i did wrong yesterday. i have never heard my dad apologize or even say he loves me, never all i get from him is insults and judgement i never get praised. the only person who ever supports me is my mum. thats why they broke up because he is too grumpy. i have left him a note saying im sick of him being stick for his amusement and unfair punishments and to stop holding the mistakes they make against them. and that he needs to grow up. at this point i dont care if he hits me or not or punishes me if he treats me like **** i will treat him like **** and if he ******* hits me ill hit him back there is so much anger and frustration within me i hate his guts and i will be hostile to him until he treats me like i am not 5 years old and only a year and a mont from adult hood

Your father is a very abusive man, and it would be helpful if you talked to a domestic violence hotline, or a counselor at your school. No matter how perfect a woman could be, she will never be "good" enough to stop the abuse. A miserable man will stay that way, because he will never face his own issues. No one can "save" him, otherwise, he would be normal and happy by his OWN choice by now. You can get help to become emancipated from your dad, and rebuild your life without the hindrence of any man. If you choose to get married someday, it should be to a man who has a high paying job, and who is nice to you and everyone in his life. Quality is worth waiting for. You are quality, too, and you deserve the best. God bless you.

I cant tell you how much i can relate. I have been going through this with my father now. It is so difficult to manage. If it helps any, you are not alone.

Woah. This is my father "to a T". (Just add in some physical abuse when we were younger). I hate to say that it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone about something so awful. I can honestly say that he has completely destroyed me as a person, and that even though I have always had a tender and loving spirit, I feel that with the person that he is in my life that I never had a chance. And through it all, I am looked on as the one now that is such the " failure" because of the drama he casts and simply does not want to reflect, or work on on himself. I know the way this comes off sounds as if I am blaming him for it all and not taking accountability.. And yes I do need to find the strength within myself again. My Spirit has simply been so destroyed that I'm not even sure how to do that anymore. Some people could argue that life could be worse if you had never known a father, and I am Not diminishing individual struggles with this--but for me personally I know that point blank if he had never been in my life that I would be a complete 180 in terms of my personal peace and success etc. Even if I Did have "abandonment issues" or anything relating to that if he hadn't been in my life, it is still a fact that I (and my Brother--even my Mother more than likely) would still have our spirits intact. I would be eons better off without ever having known him. I guess "they" do say that the people that hurt you the most have the most to teach you..I suppose I still have a lot to learn. Be Blessed all~ J.

Please don't give up on becoming a whole person! It will take a while to feel normal and hopeful again, and it can be done in small steps. The first thing you should do is to be gentle with yourself, and be your own best friend. Pamper yourself, as you would do after a hard, grueling day, by taking a bubble bath, buying yourself flowers, or hanging out with a friend. If you can, reaquaint yourself with something you used to do that you enjoy, perhaps learn something new, or volunteer somewhere. You will soon discover what you love, and who you are. Don't let who you are be lost or put away in the closet by any man or woman, and you will flourish. God will help you heal, if you pray.

My dad is exactly like yours honestly If osama bin Laden was still alive I would have paid him millions maybe even billions to ******* give him the most painful death possible

I would do it too!! Totally agree, my father caused nothing in me but pain, i always wish he dies

This sounds so much like what me and my siblings went through.. I always wished that I could have a relaxed father that I could talk to without being scared stiff of him. My dad always tells us that we don't communicate with him but when we tried talking to him about anything big or small. .. he was always too busy on his computer and got irritated whenever we tried to talk to him. . Working full time and holding down a voluntary job on weekends was busy work but on weekends we all had to put in a full afternoon of work at home and gardening. . We never complained but we were constantly yelled at for not working hard enough when in actual fact we were working very hard. Our Father didn't help with this work he just used to sit and tell us what to do and yell at us if everything didn't go absolutely perfect... even our mum had noticed and towards the end she was bring told off for the stupidest things. If something was broken by us he was irate. . He really has anger management problems. When he gets worked up he sometimes throws things around in a rage. .. he acts like a spoilt child who never grew up... but when visitors come which is extremely rare as father was always very antisocial he will act like he is a great father sometimes even joking around with us...but as soon as the visitors leave he goes back to his real self. ..
he has us in tears frequently and he always twists our words to get us in trouble and when you try to explain he has misunderstood he gets irate and says you are back chatting. .. i think maybe the time has come to leave home. .. it's made me a very nervous non confident person. ..The only time I feel like I have a real life is when i am away from him and with workmates or my real friends. I don't hate my father but I wonder if he hates me. .. The way he acts certainly implies that. .!

OMG! If you can get away from that ogre, please do! He sounds like an irrational, twisted person to me. He seems delusional and severely mentally ill.

Wow, it was as if I was reading my own life. My dad doesn't call me mean names, but he's screwed up. He's rude, obnoxious, and self-righteous, and the way he treats my mom makes me hate him all the more. My mom is trying to afford my brother and I to go to school and he just thinks she's cheating. Sometimes I wish she were so we can leave this lunatic. A lot of my traits are coming off on me, and like you, I'd rather die than be like him.

I hope we can all grow into our own skin...

I don't know what do to do we just got out of an argument that he always starts and then he stops in th middle because he is so called tired. It is about me and gaming but my grades are fine and I don't bother him or say stuff about him what should I do I will never know he never gets me but I get him but his way is too harsh and borin he wants me to go to the library read 1 hour and come home then read 20 more min at night and play for 2 hours i basically spent more than half my day for study and the fact that this is summer vacation. He makes me do more than I do at school days.

Our dads have a lot in common. I don't get why is there a need to yell constantly. Honestly, my siblings and I are terrified of him and this has develop into an unhealthy relationship. We do not talk to him and will deliberately try to avoid him just so we don't get criticized for no reasons. For example, I am 5 ft 5 and weigh 110 pounds but I have been told by my dad that I am fat and I should go lose some weight. Also, I got my summer internship at a company with good reputation after going through the grueling process of write resume , cover letters and interviews , I have to reject it after he decided that the company wasn't good enough for him . I ended up interning at a small company in my rustic town that I can't even put it on my résumé because I didn't learn anything useful. I have come to think that he might be bipolar but I am honestly terrified of being near him as I have grown into an adult without any self-confidence due to the frequent criticisms.My mom thinks that my dad really want to push us to become better individuals that strive for success. Hence, it is apparent that my mom is always on my dads side despite the yelling. Sometimes I wonder why my dad can't be caring like other dads. I get jealous when I think of how close my friends are with their dads.

I also feel that, excatly the same way...sometimes i spend hours watching my neighbors lovely dads having healthy fun with their children, loving them unconditionally and never losing the temper, or that rare times, not as huge and furious as my dad

My father is somewhat similar, I'm 19 and still unemployed I've been looking for a job for ages after I lost my previous one which was ages ago and my dad just won't let it go, it's almost like he lives from the thought of me failing life, I can't remember the last time I've hugged him.

In every single argument we have he brings up the past and makes me feel like ****, he verbally abuses me when he sees fit and sometimes when i retaliate he goes mental. he has smashed up my room before and thrown me out a few times. He hides this side of him from my mother because he knows I love her and can talk to her about anything but when it comes to that she is on his side. He never admits he is wrong and when you try to prove him wrong he always has a reason why he is right how ever stupid the reason is.

I used to be 18 stone and he always called me fat boy, I've lost weight since and I'm now 13 and a half stone but I will never feel comfortable with my own body, because his voice just runs though my mind. It's getting worse and I think if it carries on much longer i will leave home for good and never see him again, he's making my life hell and that hurts me even more because he is supposed to be my father who loves me.

my dad looks similar he uses more mild and abused language u can never imagine i wish i could get my job early and as soon as possibleand get rid off him

its kinda good to know that i'm not alone. i wish i could have a warm loving father that dosen't care about his smartphone and cat more than his family, verbally abuses his family but is nice to his fake freinds, thinks hes allways right, is a huge hypocrit, tries so hard to make everybody in his family feel like crap, is full of pride, wasts money on things he dosent need while we barely have any money to spend except for bills or food, hase a short temper and a spiteful nature and is not full of pride and hatefulness. i dont hate my dad but i can't love him anymore. (OMG im crying right now)

well, i dont mean we are poor but he wont stop spending money on useless crap.

so glad I'm not the only one. my dad has made mine and my families lives hell. he suffers with bipolar disorder and does the exact same things you have described. We don't have a lot of money at the moment yet he had loans to buy things like Rolex' and expensive bikes and clothes. He is very nasty to everyone. He had had affairs and my mum keeps trying to leave him but she's just not strong enough. I want a father figure but I really do hate him, I'm embarrassed of him and his behaviour disgusts me. I do not want to end up like him.

U should hate him

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy. <br />
<br />
dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy. <br />
<br />
dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

My father is exactly the same way. For years I've wished I could have a kind, loving father. When I recently asked him why he has never tried to be this way, he said, "That's not my nature". I came here to their home a year ago (I'm an adult, my parents are in their 80's) I wanted to play the good son and help them. My father's constant verbal abuse caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I'm leaving and going back home to heal. My father will never change, he will always be a mean, nasty, bitter, hateful old man. I hate him and I don't care, at this moment, if I never lay eyes on him again. Leaving my kind, beautiful mother hurts. But I have to take care of me right now.

I love my dad because i know that he does have some good qualities but there comes a time when you just have to go on with life without them hurting you anymore. Most of us have low or no self esteem from living in that situation for so long. Always trying to please! So I know I can never work on getting better if I have to deal with the abuse every time I go to visit. He won't change. After so many years, I now know that I can't change him. It is what it is! It's sad. <br />
But really they are mentally ill. I can see that now! It's really mental illness. You just have to keep your distance. I know the envy that you all talk about, hearing about or watching other people have relationships that you wished you had. I now know that I have to accept that this is not how it is for me! But I'm not alone by the sounds of all the other posts. <br />
The only thing that is really hard to handle is when your mom is living there and you have to witness the abuse to her. I always blamed her growing up that she didn't stand up to him. But now I see that she saw no other way, she felt trapped and was beaten down emotionally. The only way she saw to cope was to zone out. Now she feels too old to start over. (she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer) Gee, I wonder why with all the stress she always lived with, beats down your immunities. But that is her life and I need to keep my self mentally healthy. I guess we all have our paths we must walk. <br />
I know that I can acheive happiness for once in my life. I just have to let go of the Hell that I lived through. Give myself time to heal! It's time to start imagining the parent I always wanted and hear the things I wanted them to say to me. I think this will help me get better and start to love myself and my life for once. Good luck to you all!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.<br />
i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE<br />
i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.<br />
about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.<br />
i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?<br />
now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.<br />
i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE<br />
i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.<br />
about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.<br />
i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?<br />
now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

your father sounds so much similar to my father....

i hate my father too because he hurts my mom emotionally!

Me too...

My dad is exactly like your dad! Did he ever hit or abuse you in any way? He used to belt me and hit when I was a little kid. He doesn't belt me anymore, but he stills throws stuff at me whenever he is angry and hits me. He has a really bad temper. I try my best not to bring it out, but sometimes it is so hard because he gets me so angry. He is also the only person I hate. Although im starting to hate my mom because she won't divorce. She always complains about the relationship and him but she will won't divorce. I guess she isn't very brave. he always threatens me and always yells at me if I make a mistake. He says he loves me, but i never believe because he is always angry at me. It's gotten so bad that I wanted to kill him when I was only 12 and now I am 16. AHH! Right now we had a huge fight. aS with friends, I have a lot unlike my dad. I don't have a temper with them, I never get angry. Maybe you have to learn how to control your temper like I am also learning to do. Do not get mad right away. Take a deep breath. i am also afraid i might turn out like my dad, but we have to remember we are not like them. WE actually have a future! I hope my situation gets better but as soon I am 18 I am moving out. Ill pray for you if there is a god maybe something will happen to our stupid dads! haha but seriously don't get suicidal. Everything will work out. I've been telling myself this all my life. F*** my dad. He's a b****! :)

I'm right there with you. Whenever I see a father playing with his kids at the park or someone refers to themselves as a "daddy's girl" - I get a little misty-eyed. It just doesn't compute. I've never had that and I never will. I'm just glad I was able to avoid the curse of marrying a guy just like him.