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Why Can't My Father Be a Normal Loving Dad?

I have never hated anyone before, but I can honestly say that I hate my father. Why? Because for my whole life I have put up with his incessant perfectionism, obsession with small detail, short temper, criticism, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. He is a very opinionated and angry person and has no hesitation in showing it, both at home and in public. He thinks he is always right and every one else is wrong, and expects to have everything his way. My family have tried to talk to him about his behaviour, but he gets very defensive and loses his temper. He has lost several jobs and doesn't have many friends - that says it all. I don't know why my mother didn't leave him years ago. The worst part is I fear my father's horrid personality is rubbing off on me. I see some of his traits in me, and it sickens me. I would rather die than turn out like him. I don't have many friends and I worry that it is because I am like him. I try not to be like him, and I try hard to make friends, but for some reason it just doesn't work out. Why can't I have a normal father? You know, someone who is relaxed and easy to get along with; someone I can be around without the worry of being told off or criticised; someone who doesn't lose his temper whenever he doesn't get his way; or at least a father who doesn't call me hurtful names and do spiteful things when he is angry. I have never known what it is like to have a warm loving father; a father who doesn't just say he loves me but actually shows it. I have never had a proper father figure in my life, someone I admire and am proud of. And I guess I will never know.
Louey Louey 31-35, F 35 Responses Sep 16, 2007

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My dad is exactly like yours honestly If osama bin Laden was still alive I would have paid him millions maybe even billions to ******* give him the most painful death possible

This sounds so much like what me and my siblings went through.. I always wished that I could have a relaxed father that I could talk to without being scared stiff of him. My dad always tells us that we don't communicate with him but when we tried talking to him about anything big or small. .. he was always too busy on his computer and got irritated whenever we tried to talk to him. . Working full time and holding down a voluntary job on weekends was busy work but on weekends we all had to put in a full afternoon of work at home and gardening. . We never complained but we were constantly yelled at for not working hard enough when in actual fact we were working very hard. Our Father didn't help with this work he just used to sit and tell us what to do and yell at us if everything didn't go absolutely perfect... even our mum had noticed and towards the end she was bring told off for the stupidest things. If something was broken by us he was irate. . He really has anger management problems. When he gets worked up he sometimes throws things around in a rage. .. he acts like a spoilt child who never grew up... but when visitors come which is extremely rare as father was always very antisocial he will act like he is a great father sometimes even joking around with us...but as soon as the visitors leave he goes back to his real self. ..
he has us in tears frequently and he always twists our words to get us in trouble and when you try to explain he has misunderstood he gets irate and says you are back chatting. .. i think maybe the time has come to leave home. .. it's made me a very nervous non confident person. ..The only time I feel like I have a real life is when i am away from him and with workmates or my real friends. I don't hate my father but I wonder if he hates me. .. The way he acts certainly implies that. .!

Wow, it was as if I was reading my own life. My dad doesn't call me mean names, but he's screwed up. He's rude, obnoxious, and self-righteous, and the way he treats my mom makes me hate him all the more. My mom is trying to afford my brother and I to go to school and he just thinks she's cheating. Sometimes I wish she were so we can leave this lunatic. A lot of my traits are coming off on me, and like you, I'd rather die than be like him.

I hope we can all grow into our own skin...

I don't know what do to do we just got out of an argument that he always starts and then he stops in th middle because he is so called tired. It is about me and gaming but my grades are fine and I don't bother him or say stuff about him what should I do I will never know he never gets me but I get him but his way is too harsh and borin he wants me to go to the library read 1 hour and come home then read 20 more min at night and play for 2 hours i basically spent more than half my day for study and the fact that this is summer vacation. He makes me do more than I do at school days.

Our dads have a lot in common. I don't get why is there a need to yell constantly. Honestly, my siblings and I are terrified of him and this has develop into an unhealthy relationship. We do not talk to him and will deliberately try to avoid him just so we don't get criticized for no reasons. For example, I am 5 ft 5 and weigh 110 pounds but I have been told by my dad that I am fat and I should go lose some weight. Also, I got my summer internship at a company with good reputation after going through the grueling process of write resume , cover letters and interviews , I have to reject it after he decided that the company wasn't good enough for him . I ended up interning at a small company in my rustic town that I can't even put it on my résumé because I didn't learn anything useful. I have come to think that he might be bipolar but I am honestly terrified of being near him as I have grown into an adult without any self-confidence due to the frequent criticisms.My mom thinks that my dad really want to push us to become better individuals that strive for success. Hence, it is apparent that my mom is always on my dads side despite the yelling. Sometimes I wonder why my dad can't be caring like other dads. I get jealous when I think of how close my friends are with their dads.

My father is somewhat similar, I'm 19 and still unemployed I've been looking for a job for ages after I lost my previous one which was ages ago and my dad just won't let it go, it's almost like he lives from the thought of me failing life, I can't remember the last time I've hugged him.

In every single argument we have he brings up the past and makes me feel like ****, he verbally abuses me when he sees fit and sometimes when i retaliate he goes mental. he has smashed up my room before and thrown me out a few times. He hides this side of him from my mother because he knows I love her and can talk to her about anything but when it comes to that she is on his side. He never admits he is wrong and when you try to prove him wrong he always has a reason why he is right how ever stupid the reason is.

I used to be 18 stone and he always called me fat boy, I've lost weight since and I'm now 13 and a half stone but I will never feel comfortable with my own body, because his voice just runs though my mind. It's getting worse and I think if it carries on much longer i will leave home for good and never see him again, he's making my life hell and that hurts me even more because he is supposed to be my father who loves me.

its kinda good to know that i'm not alone. i wish i could have a warm loving father that dosen't care about his smartphone and cat more than his family, verbally abuses his family but is nice to his fake freinds, thinks hes allways right, is a huge hypocrit, tries so hard to make everybody in his family feel like crap, is full of pride, wasts money on things he dosent need while we barely have any money to spend except for bills or food, hase a short temper and a spiteful nature and is not full of pride and hatefulness. i dont hate my dad but i can't love him anymore. (OMG im crying right now)

well, i dont mean we are poor but he wont stop spending money on useless crap.

so glad I'm not the only one. my dad has made mine and my families lives hell. he suffers with bipolar disorder and does the exact same things you have described. We don't have a lot of money at the moment yet he had loans to buy things like Rolex' and expensive bikes and clothes. He is very nasty to everyone. He had had affairs and my mum keeps trying to leave him but she's just not strong enough. I want a father figure but I really do hate him, I'm embarrassed of him and his behaviour disgusts me. I do not want to end up like him.

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy.



dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

I feel for all the people above, i have the same problem over here. but i realized something...we dont really hate-hate our dads, instead we are just incapable of loving them anymore. we are almost always at the top of our class, doing everything to enter and survive in the best university in our country, trying everything to make them proud-this is love. BUT DUDE they never love us back as if everything is about money money and money. I think the best way to be not like them is to love ourselves and do silly things that will make us happy. it is true we CANNOT choose our fathers but I believe everyone of us can choose to be happy.



dream.leave.run.chase.go.be happy.

My father is exactly the same way. For years I've wished I could have a kind, loving father. When I recently asked him why he has never tried to be this way, he said, "That's not my nature". I came here to their home a year ago (I'm an adult, my parents are in their 80's) I wanted to play the good son and help them. My father's constant verbal abuse caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I'm leaving and going back home to heal. My father will never change, he will always be a mean, nasty, bitter, hateful old man. I hate him and I don't care, at this moment, if I never lay eyes on him again. Leaving my kind, beautiful mother hurts. But I have to take care of me right now.

I love my dad because i know that he does have some good qualities but there comes a time when you just have to go on with life without them hurting you anymore. Most of us have low or no self esteem from living in that situation for so long. Always trying to please! So I know I can never work on getting better if I have to deal with the abuse every time I go to visit. He won't change. After so many years, I now know that I can't change him. It is what it is! It's sad.

But really they are mentally ill. I can see that now! It's really mental illness. You just have to keep your distance. I know the envy that you all talk about, hearing about or watching other people have relationships that you wished you had. I now know that I have to accept that this is not how it is for me! But I'm not alone by the sounds of all the other posts.

The only thing that is really hard to handle is when your mom is living there and you have to witness the abuse to her. I always blamed her growing up that she didn't stand up to him. But now I see that she saw no other way, she felt trapped and was beaten down emotionally. The only way she saw to cope was to zone out. Now she feels too old to start over. (she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer) Gee, I wonder why with all the stress she always lived with, beats down your immunities. But that is her life and I need to keep my self mentally healthy. I guess we all have our paths we must walk.

I know that I can acheive happiness for once in my life. I just have to let go of the Hell that I lived through. Give myself time to heal! It's time to start imagining the parent I always wanted and hear the things I wanted them to say to me. I think this will help me get better and start to love myself and my life for once. Good luck to you all!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.

i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE

i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.

about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.

i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?

now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

yes i feel like i am reading my stories above.i been a gud gal all my life staying in a metropolitan city never enjoyed city life never spent much always tried to remain and foLlow my dad's rules studious since beginning usually among top 5 in class,but stil he's been abusive all his life 2 me, my mom &sister.he used 2 hit us n verbal abuses which stil continues.

i tried al my ways to b good 2 him n at d end always thought whatever it is he's my father,bt does he deserve 2 b my father?he's never helpful supportive UNDERSTANDING;rather the most weird abusive angry irritated on this earth.i hate him. i am clinically DEPRESSED stil he doesn' t care no change. he's ruined my , my mom's & sisters's CARRIER,LIFE

i left my engg 4 him as he wanted 2 save money.whatever i do he points mistakes never appreciates.i am a graduate nw bt he never recognizes my sacrifice /pain/efforts. i have gone thru hell coz of him stil my mother doesn't leave him as hes old(i dont understand dis reason ;i dont kno where she brings so much of patience from ),i dont kno wht 2 do?i feel like killing myself,i have started hating myself 2 coz of him,thinking i am not worth it etc.

about CARE,i had a Sir (home tutor) in school who loved me like his daughter treated me like a princess daughter ideally my angel(as he recognized my qualities,n outside my house every1 seems 2 hav a gud opinion abt me ) so i was blessed ven in school,this sir was dear 2 me,always made me 4get abt my weird dad.but SIR died soon after my school n i was back in my lonely world with abusive & insensitive dad.

i hav a bf(long distance relationship since 2 yrs) so i meet him 1nce a yr ,he was gud before ven a friend but nw he too doesnt understand , argues & fights on trivial issues every week.friends don't seem 2 understand either as they say move on n think abt urself bt it isnt dat easy to deal wit thngs.?

now DAD constantly argues fights & hurts me & ABUSES MOM EVERYDAY,i am thinking of suicide,sick of living like dis( body widout a soul) !!!!!!!!!

your father sounds so much similar to my father....

i hate my father too because he hurts my mom emotionally!

Me too...

My dad is exactly like your dad! Did he ever hit or abuse you in any way? He used to belt me and hit when I was a little kid. He doesn't belt me anymore, but he stills throws stuff at me whenever he is angry and hits me. He has a really bad temper. I try my best not to bring it out, but sometimes it is so hard because he gets me so angry. He is also the only person I hate. Although im starting to hate my mom because she won't divorce. She always complains about the relationship and him but she will won't divorce. I guess she isn't very brave. he always threatens me and always yells at me if I make a mistake. He says he loves me, but i never believe because he is always angry at me. It's gotten so bad that I wanted to kill him when I was only 12 and now I am 16. AHH! Right now we had a huge fight. aS with friends, I have a lot unlike my dad. I don't have a temper with them, I never get angry. Maybe you have to learn how to control your temper like I am also learning to do. Do not get mad right away. Take a deep breath. i am also afraid i might turn out like my dad, but we have to remember we are not like them. WE actually have a future! I hope my situation gets better but as soon I am 18 I am moving out. Ill pray for you if there is a god maybe something will happen to our stupid dads! haha but seriously don't get suicidal. Everything will work out. I've been telling myself this all my life. F*** my dad. He's a b****! :)

I'm right there with you. Whenever I see a father playing with his kids at the park or someone refers to themselves as a "daddy's girl" - I get a little misty-eyed. It just doesn't compute. I've never had that and I never will. I'm just glad I was able to avoid the curse of marrying a guy just like him.

i have perfect grades. always top 5 in the class of 80 complete AIEEE geniuses. either ways, i am treated as a liability, a waste. a dog would have been treated better.in college i am treated like a born genius by my friends and even by my teachers.My friends always ask my advice if in need of any. yet my father scolds me even for drinking water against his will. but i have learnt that it is the way he treats u that can be changed but it ur ability to understand wht a lame *** son of ***** he is.

and for that i have come with a solution.



1) V imp. NEVER CRACK A JOKE. Never smile infront of him. but dont look at him frowning.

2) Only respond to what he says.

3) Do not express ur opinion unless asked. and when asked be firm and tell him what u think. no uh.. or hmm.... And never answer by saying "i don't know". [NEVER]

4) Avoid looking at him at all times. it helps by thinking "he is not a person but a ghost"

5) Avoid staying within his presence. if he's in the hall . get out.

6) If abused don't look at him.just nod and mind ur own business.

7) try to avoid the usual abuses. by cleaning ur room. important point: he will look for several ways to find faults. and at these times. get out of his vicinity.



5th point is the most important of all. And Trust me if these dont work nothing will. 17 years of experience..... ill know.



i even had time make my own website now. look http://www.funnyforwards.co.cc

my father is no more here, and he was quite like your description.. i know he had his faults. but he was STILL an amazing person and he had his reasons...... i'm sure (i hope) ur fathers too have their reasons- mistakes, failures, problems... you can either



1. try to understand and be there for him while he's still around

2. ignore that there is a problem and try to live happily, and wait for him to die



but when he dies, if u really are distant and not attached, u may not feel too much pain, but if there is any love left, PLEASE PLEASE try to fix your relationship. i wish I had!!!!

My father is the same except he acts like he loves me infront of his friends............

Gnarly I know that what you are saying is true, we have to show ourselves to be the better people, but it is just so difficult sometimes. My father makes it his goal to kill every bit of happiness I have and then turn it around on me, saying that I do this to him. He is incredibly proud, arrogant and shockingly racist. When I told him I was getting married to a guy from a different race earlier this year he told me he wished I was dead. He then sent a series of nasty emails and then became increasingly vindictive. I was living at home at the time and he would leave the room whenever I entered it. He spread lies about me to my brother and told him that I had been sleeping around, that I was only getting married as I was pregnant. My brother no longer wants anything to do with me, to be honest he was looking for an excuse to wash his hands of me, he's another a***hole as he displayed signs of my dad from an early stage anyway.



He is not attending the wedding and if that wasn't hurtful enough he is going out of his way to hurt me and my mother further. He left the house without telling anyone yesterday and we have heard nothing since. His secretary said he had rung her and told her to tell us he would be back next week, and it has broken my mum's heart. I don't allow myself to be excited about my wedding anymore, as I know that each time I am, he senses it and comes forward to attack me.



I hate this man with all my heart and soul, but I feel as though I am breaking my parents' marriage up and I don't know what to do. I feel as though I have caused my father to act as he has done. He was bad before but since I announced my marriage he has become a million times worse. I feel responsible for my mum's pain.



I too do not understand the term Daddy's Girl. I am about to marry (I say about to, the wedding's a week away and my dad is capable of anything) the most wonderful man in the world. He is nothing like my father, and I hope that I shall never be.



I have stayed in the house for my mother, I am so scared as to what he will do to her when I go. She puts up with everything. He is a mean, nasty and deeply pathetic, sick man. I have nothing but hatred in my heart for him. But I don't wish he was dead. That would be too easy for him. I want him to live, to regret his actions, day after day.



To all those people out there who have fathers as nasty and spiteful as mine: do whatever you can to keep your mum happy. And everytime you cry over him just remember: He'll get his.

my father is the same as yours. he wants everything to be perfect even me and if im not perfect he will usually start shouting! and hits me with anything he has in his hand!

I know how you feel. My dad is very angry and controlling all the time. I´ve talked to my mother about divorce, and she is so scared of him, like that he will stalk her or even kill her if she actually does go through divorce. It´s really hard for us because at the same time I need the financial support, I can´t stand him any longer, he really does have mental problems but is never going to admit it. It just seems to get harder and harder every day.

my dad is also a perfectionist and obssessed mith tiny details! He always has a bad temper but my mum thinks he has a good temper! I can't understand why my mum loves him! You know how daughters are closer to their father? But i hate my dad and i don't like my mum for siding with him! I've heard that daughters will marry someone who is like their father but i hope i'll never meet someone like my dad!

Don't worry, everyone, I have the VERY same feelings, I'm scared I'll turn into him too, but if we are self-aware, we'll all be okay. My dad is a harsh, volatile West African father. I was born and raised in America and the culture shock is pretty huge. My dad doesn't spend time with me, doesn't talk to me about things, and he yells and orders everyone around. He has a king-complex. He blames everyone around him for his problems and he squanders any money that he has on himself instead of taking care of his family. We are living through financial hardship, and have been for years because my mother's income is not enough to support all of us. My dad is selfish and never seems to think he's wrong, and I don't know why my mom stays. It makes me resent her a bit, even though I love her and I consider her my best friend. I just don't want a relationship like that for myself, and God-willing I won't let myself slip up into accepting less than I deserve.

You will never become like your father so long as you are aware of yourself.



We all get angry and frustrated during crappy situations - so don't blame yourself or even consider for a moment that this makes you like him. Getting angry is normal. It doesn't make you horrible.



But next time you lose your temper, do your best not to become vicious. Yell if you like. Scream and stamp your feet. Tell him he's making you miserable. But don't succumb to the temptation of calling him a failure, or that he's disgusting. Because THAT will make you more like him.



I've found that I'm more personable to people who are personable towards me. I'm happier and friendlier in a happy, pressure-free environment. I'm sure you are too.



Cut yourself some slack. And then cut your dad some slack. He seems really pitiable. At least you have a future. He seems to have no way out of his horrible, negative lifestyle.



Being in a negative environment for so long can make you hard, and hurt, and bitter. I'd say get out as soon as you can, and then try and forge a tentative relationship with him from a distance, when you are comfortable.



Because really, from what you say, he sounds like a very sad man. He's alienated everyone who cares about him and now he's alone. Imagine how that must feel. Esp. since it's all his fault.



You are strong, and you are rational. So chin up and try to build up some good vibes in yourself. Because by doing this you are going to save yourself, and you are going to give your mother hope and strength too.



Whenever I was confronted by my abusive parent, all I chanted in my mind was: "I'm never going to be like that."



And I'm not.



You need to step out of the mess to get things in perspective. Then you can go back and try to fix things, if you want to.



Bad vibes with your family can really affect your relationships with people. The moment you are out of that mess, you will slowly start to build up good vibes for yourself. You'll realise that you AREN'T inherently bitchy, and that you ARE confident, and that you DO recognise the difference between right and wrong. And people will notice those good vibes and be drawn to you. Because you'll be out of that negative environment, you'll become more relaxed and personable.



Y'know, we all keep saying "I hate my father" but isn't that because we love them in the first place? We love them so much but they treat us so badly. And then we get hurt and angry and we all wonder "WHY!!!?? WHAT DID I DO!?"



Parents can be silly. They don't notice the most important things, sometimes.



Also... don't be too offended by this next comment - I think that if your mother was strong enough, and confident enough, that she should leave him and get you away from that miserable environment. Honestly, I think she should be a little stronger for your sake. And your siblings', if you have any.



Anyway, I know we're all rooting for you. Good vibes, friend.

its like looking into a mirror

Yea my dad is the same as yours but worser. He is worser because he used to physically abuse me and my little bother but especially me. He is a crazy, prejudice, racist, liar, and a mean old man!

You know, I wish I could have a normal father, too. I asked him one time while he was freaking out on all of us, "Don't you think we want to have a good relationship with you, Don't you think we want to have a Dad whom we love and who loves us back?!" And he said "You (this time it was pointed at me)? No, never!" No, who wants a Dad, right? I just want a Dad. Not a perfect father, just a Dad. Someone who doesn't hate me. That's all.

My grandfather and my father is the same as yours , althoug my father hated his father so so much he became like him and i am afraid i will be the same