I Hate My Dad

m y dad never loved me or thought of me as one of his own. right from the time i was a kid, as early as i could remember, he would try to convince me that i am lacking in some way or the other, incapable, mentally sick, who does not deserve respectable life or a family with parents. he would always despise me, belittle me, make fun of me in front of outsiders, friends, enemies,  relatives alike. he likes to believe that i imagined/hallucinated being molested by him and his orderly when i was 5 for over a yr. he would torture me by not giving me food, or hitting me in front of his relatives or play mind games with me just to ruein my mental stability. He believed in the silent treatment, if I said anything to disagree with him, he would not talk to me for hours, days, weeks and sometimes even months. It was left entirely up to me to break the silence, to talk to get him to talk for normalising the home atmosphere. it was not the physical or mental torture that shattered me, but the realization that he could and would do ANYTHING to appear nice/right in front of the world. It had been close to 4 months since he had talked to me. One night when I was sleeping after a hard day at work,he actually called the police and nurses and doctors into my bedroom and took me to a mental asylum.(oh the things that money and fabrication of facts can do to save one's sorry ***) he wanted me to be there for like 2-3 months, but the doctors refused to abide with him, they said after their observations on me for a week or two, they did not think that i needed any such treatment that he claimed to, thay said that there were more serious cases that required their attention. and i was sent home. but the damage had already been done, i was shattered beyond words, lost all hope and will to live, began to exist thereafter, taking anti depressants, putting on weight, eating sweeets, pasteries and other comfort foods. even today my dad does'nt believe that he has done anything wrong, let alone say sorry for all his actions. even today he tells me that i should be living in an orphange or ashram for women. he never loses a chance to discourage me in anything i do or want to do. he tells me that i would be unhappy if i ever married, that i would never be a good wife, if i ever did get married, then my husband would hit me, spit on me and insult me in public. anything new i want to do, like taking up a montessori course, he would say that it is a waste of time, effort and money. he never lost a chance to discourage me, he would be the first to point out all the negatives in anything i want to do. he never liked me having friends or them coming over. i was like a pawn for him to dump all his frustrations on. he blamed me and mom for his mistakes and failures in life.  he told the whole world that i was mad and imagined things, when i threatened to break my silence of years and expose him to the world. he wanted the world to believe what all he said given the fact that he was feeding us, clothing us n providing us with a roof over our heads. i kept quiet all these years, thinking of shame, family honour and other unstable things of life. today in front of the world, he is an ex-colonel, an engineer, a god fearing man who goes to church every week, a man who is respectable in the society. if only i had used my brain as he did, he would be behind bars today, if only i had not thought of him as my family, if only i had the will power and strength to withstand my mom’s emotional blackmailing and got out of this house to make my own life, if only i had the self confidence, maybe i would not be writing down this entry...maybe... maybe not....