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Toxic Parent

My dad is best described in this excerpt from "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.

"If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with Borderline Personality Disorder seems to have won, they may act surprised that you’re still upset…You, of course, feel worse. Only now, you also feel baffled because the person with BPD doesn’t seem to understand the impact of what they’ve done. You may also feel frustrated because they never seem to accept responsibility for their own behavior. This cycle happens again and again."

My dad used fear, guilt, intimidation, blaming, and manipulation to control my whole family. He's poisonous--the kind of person who has you doubting your own perceptions and beliefs. Life with him was a rollercoaster--up and down, for years and years. He'd rage and snarl one minute, and then apologize the next, and expect you to forget all about it. The constant instability and insecurity eventually rendered me completely numb.

I'm recovering now, but I am still pretty screwed up. I have no healthy way to handle negative emotions. I'm sensitive, fearful, and insecure. All of these things are reflected in my relationship with my new husband, whom I love dearly, and for whose sake I am trying my best to understand and overcome my difficulties.

In the meantime, I refuse to talk to my father. He has no respect for boundaries--never has--and although I've asked him not to contact me, I still get emails and phone calls. When that happens, I get a sick feeling in my gut, and start shaking and crying. Any kind of contact with him brings up overpowering feelings of anger, pain, and confusion. He refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour, and acts like any rift in our relationship is my fault.

I am trying to forgive him. I've read a good bit about Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have come to see that his childhood experiences left him horribly empty and insecure. He feels an insatiable need for control, and in his desperation to hide his flaws he forces other people to accept blame for his actions. Fine, whatever, I get it. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it. He's had plenty of chances to change--to take the time to really understand what it is that he does to hurt other people, and how he can stop it. But he always chooses himself over his family, every time. Betrayal after betrayal.

I can forgive him, if only for my own sanity, so that I'm not eaten up with bitterness. But I will never forget what he did, and I will never allow him back into my life.
BookNerd BookNerd 22-25, F 84 Responses Nov 14, 2007

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I'm happy that I'm not the only one that thinks this way about my annoying father. . . I would've used the word useless but he's useful for his money. and that's the claim he keeps making. he controls our lives like we are all toys and he makes us do everything he wants, making reference to his money. here in my country he's kind of rich and I have no choice but to answer him. he manipulates people, and never accepts that he's wrong. he thinks he knows everything. He has ruined all my friendships since I 7 years old and we returned from the united states back to Nigeria. as I am now, I have no friends. why? because anybody I want to be my friend is either too this or too that and he doesn't just tell me to stop being friends, he makes sure of it. he has 'spies' that he makes watch me all the time and the bastards give reports to him. then he can lock me up at home and give me a stupid book that he found interesting to read and force me to read it. when I was little I wanted to be a soccer player and I was very good at it, at first my teachers and everyone were encouraging me but then later he just decided that I have no talent at anything though i was obviously good and forced me to stop playing. right now I'm studying civil engineering which I have little interest in. I can only say its not much of a problem because I'm kind of smart, but its torture going to lectures everyday because I feel like I'm just forcing myself to study the course. if I tell him I don't want to, then he'll bring up his goddammned money again and say that after all he did this is how I appreciate. I got into college early, I'm 17 right now and I'm just looking for every possible way to earn income so I can ditch him when I'm 18. in high school I used to sing, and dance. . . I have thus kind of rnb voice and I was pretty popular because of my performances . . . but as far as he's concerned, I'm untalented. he is ready to do all it takes to kill my passion for music which us really what I want to do now. he keeps telling me that he never wants to hear my voice and always beats me whenever he hears me sing. because of that, I turned nocturnal so at night when he's asleep that's when I go to the farthest room from his room in our house and practice singing and dancing. then I try to sleep during the daytime and he doesn't let me. whenever he has visitors around he makes me the butt of his jokes like I'm some kind of piñata for everyone to have a go at. just this morning he threatened to practically kill me and he said he wouldn't care whatever happened if I died. the police in this country are practically useless so he'd escape.I've never had a girlfriend because of him because he scares them all away. I HATE THIS MONSTER

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and ever since then they have hated eachother. My dad tells me all the time and my mom don't bring it up cause I asked her not too.. My dad says how I can talk to him about anything but he gets angry.. When I was in 9th grade my mom moved and I was with her over the summer, when I asked to see her more he flipped out and called me a trader. Now I'm a senior and I'm homeschooled and living with my dad after he moved 5 hours away and I'm visiting mom for the summer and seeing my friends when it hit me.. I won't have a graduation, I won't see my friends.. And I want to have 1 normal year of highschool. I'm an A and B student in school, and I wanna come back and graduate like everyone else in my family did. I wanna be able to talk to my dad about this but idk how too.. He don't know how I feel cause he was popular, played sports and graduated but didn't go to college.. I wanna go to college still because I'll be the first girl to go.. But I need advice

My dad is the main root of my depression. I tell myself I should forget about it but I cant. Like you, my dad gets mad and beats me then apologises like nothing happened. People say to just ditch him once I'm 18 but it is not that easy. He wants to control my life and use me to keep him financially stable. There are so many things I want to do when I grow up, but because of him, I have to give up on all my dreams. I don't have a mother and the rest of my family is in a different country, so you can see the problem there. He makes it so clear I am nothing but a burden to him and it just makes me want to die and cease to exist. He has a bunch of girlfriends all the time and just forgets about me. He always ends up breaking their hearts and this makes me very negative about the concept of "love". Every promise he has ever made to me has been broken. He always uses guilt on me. Sorry for the rant, just want you to understand I know how it feels

i feel you. i was in the same boat as you. if i get his call i'd start shaking. normally i wouldn't answer. he blames me for everything when in my opinion it is his fault that his life is going that way. i'm a victim of physical and verbal abuse too. it gives me relief and strength when i knew i wasnt all alone living in a hell with my father, that someone somewhere is fighting the same battle as i do. At least someone out there would understand my point of view and why i feel this way towards my father. thank you for sharing your story it does means a lot to me

My dad was the funniest , fun and outgoing person in the World, he still is but I can say our relationship is sad! I use to be just like him if not better, I remember being the center of attention in school cuz everyone loved me I had all the girls nd was an all around athlete played team sports since the 2nd grade I could do everything n anything I put my mind to my confidence was maxed out yu can tell by my baby pictures! But I remember the problem from the start! I was a star bball player nd he refused to put me n aau that Summer I was only in the 7th grade nd I never gt back in summer aau ball nd it killed me I played for the school til high school then he stops getting my haircut nd had me in counterfit clothes nd cheap **** so I'm all nappy nd dirty my first year in high school, I only had 1 gf that entire year n dat was after I started selling drugs to provide for myself! I was way off track nd insecure, nd every little mistake I made he came down hard as hell! My highschool years I jus watched my dream fade I never played ball n college instead I gt a drug charge nd guess who bonds me out! Dad nd guess who til this very day reminds me of how much $$ he spent on me nd how I dnt do nothing to help him nd how if I wanna b successful I gotta humble myself nd follow every little blueprint of MY LIFE that he made? I'm 22 years old nd I've had two houses, I've made my own business that he also saw interested in nd didn't support, I have a 13 RT charger, I've finished 2 years college nd I've been locked up in 3 different states I've been put on 3 years probation nd I jus completed that last monday, but wen I hear my dad speak to me It sounds like he talking to a 17 year old who never been through nothing or accomplished anything in the real world, although there Isnt anyone I knw 22 years old who has their Lifes together and stable I knw for a fact I'm not that ****** lost in this world! I knw People my age who still stAY wit dey folks driving 2012 impala that they mom bought them riden round smoking cush feeling like a man and gt no bills but they parents talk to them with so much respect and comfort like their on the same level! I'm ashamed to bring my friends round my dad once they hear how he talks to me they will start jugding and probably think I'm irresponsible and imature! One thing I learned from my dad is if yu wanna be a man yu gotta have money to do wat yu want nd need nd never depend on nobody (maybe just him). Can't be a man wen someone pays your phonebill and yu wanna get out for the night but the blackmale u saying cut my grass nd wax my car before yu leave nd it's already dark nd ur already dressed! Can't be a man wen ya phone gets cut off cuz u don't go to church with the family who looks down on yu. But yu can be a man wen yu pay your way nd do Watever yu want cuz nobody can take nothing from yu! I'm jus a man tryna earn my manhood ! I despise my dad cuz I feel he doesn't want me to be a man cuz if he did he would accept me rather than challenge me nd blackmale me like I'm a kid! I feel so angry at times nd incomplete nd lost, I think too much nd my personally is affected I dnt have many friends like i use too, and for as long as I can remember Ive been trying to find away to save myself from being this weirdo who hates his life nd gets treated like a kid! I admire fathers who make their sons into confident strong willed leading winners sure about every breath they take! I doubt myself n so many ways I can notice it being noticeable to others but I cnt stop it! I was raised like this Damn!

Same dad as me. The mess he made still effects me 25 years later, and realise now that my most recent relationship was with a woman exactly like him. I am feel so set back (again) that I dare not involve myself with anyone for fear of repeating the same mistakes yet again.

After reading your story I feel like your dad is exactly like mine. I used to think that no one else had that. I'm miserable living with him. I'm still dependent on him which is my biggest problem so I'm constantly distressed. With his very presence. And I just hate him. My mom seems to be OK with it though. If I tell her about it she always tells me that its just his habit so tolerate it. I've been doing that all my life but its gotten worse for me and I'm so very disturbed and filled with negetiveness that I'm feeling lost and trapped. His behavior is untollerable. What should I do? I've become unsocial and my mind is disturbed all the time. He males me feel bad about myself and everything that I do. My academics are ruined and I'm still struggling with my thesis which I just can't seem to concentrate on anymore. How do I become healthy and mentally strong so that I can lead a independent and happy life? Can u recommend me any helpful insights. I would really appreciate it. Thanks

My dad....how can I begin to explain him. I can't. No one can. No one can understand him or why he does the things he does.

He has always put me down, no matter how hard I try, nothing has ever been good enough. Or any interests, dreams or goals I've set for myself in life, he has shot down. "Why do you want to do that? No one with a right mind would do that. Why do you want to participate in that pageant, sport, class, field of study, job? Your too short to be a leader. " Then once he's beaten down to a pulp, he throws money or materials things at me to pick me back up. Then uses those same things later to say, "see how good I've been to you and you disrespect me?" Cycle after cycle after cycle, with never an apology, even when he's wrong. Never learning from previous fights or estrangements.

Plus, no man has ever been good enough for me, and in fact, he's blatantly destroyed the last two relationships I had, and tried to undermine all the ones before that. He uses religion to destroy me and the relationship.

Once, I walked outside to see a "separated" man's (a friend) car, didn't sit down in the vehicle, didn't hug or touch the man in any kind of way, and I was told I was acting like " a giddy school girl" and later was called "a *****" for it because the man was "still married." I did nothing wrong. I was told that I was embarrassing him and my family, and that in foreign countries the fathers and brothers would commit an "honor killing" of the daughters/sisters who acted the way I was. I spent 10 mins, in broad daylight looking at someone's new car!?

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is an endocrine disorder caused by genetics. I told my dad I thought I was suffering from this, and he told me that I must have contracted it from having sex with a past boyfriend .....it is not an STD. He made me feel so dirty, for something I genetically inherited and through his ignorance.

Then once he told a man I was seeing that they were going to have a problem.....because they were both "in love with the same girl," and if he wanted to marry me, we could have my grandmother's home to share, but that I would have to still live with him (my father). " Then he laughed it off as a joke. My dad has also told me before that maybe he & I should be married "in name only" so that I could inherit some additional benefits after he dies one day. WTF???!

Then, my dad asked me one day if I was having sex with this man, I said, "Dad, I'm 42 years old and now that's not really any of your business now is it?" He immediately blew up at me and told me my bf was not welcome there anymore! That was the end of that relationship.

Several years later, I began dating another man. My dad said if I ever married this man, that he would burn down our family home, so I couldn't inherit it or any money from the sale of it. Then about a year later, my dad came to my house, never meeting him (same man), banged on the front door and asked if he was there. When my boyfriend came outside, my dad told him that he had his tag number off his vehicle, that this was HIS property, and he better never step foot on it again or he would have him arrested for trespassing. Needless to say, this relationship is now circling the drain.

I'm almost 45 yrs old, my dad is almost 73 and is sharp as a tack, mentally. I have never been married or had children, two things I desperately wanted out of life. Both are probably out of my reach now, mostly because of my father.

My mother is deceased, for almost 20yrs now. My dad has never remarried or had a girlfriend. He went on a few dates, but quickly ended the relationships because "someone would always want something more, and I'm a christian and I have no intentions of getting remarried, but premarital sex is forbidden and is a sin." So, if he can't have sex, then I'm not going to have sex, and I'm just "a *****" if I do.

At the moment, my dad and I are not speaking. Don't know if we ever will again. My brother never wants to get involved. He's married with children and dad treats him like an "adult" because he has his own family. Though he still puts him down too at every turn.

I have seriously thought of committing suicide to escape my dad because he is choking the life out of me and my life anyway. The very few friends I have have helped me, been to therapy, too, but my dad's constant toxicity keeps me in depression and makes me feel so trapped. He keeps me isolated from people with his judgements. I never feel good enough for anyone and it seems as long as I just have a relationship with him, and he's happy, he thinks that's all I need.

Good luck to everyone here, I know how you feel.

Ok, so the identical aspects of your story to mine are unbelievable, I was merely skimming through the story but then the part about your dad being '73 and sharp as tack' stopped me in my tracks( he is also in his seventies), this is mine exactly whilst the minds of his children and wife were messed up. The last few times I saw my mother when she was alive I noticed how confused she was and now I understand that it was the depression and isolation caused by him.
The hampering/destruction of every bit of a life of your own you try to create, the putting down and the overpraise, saying you agreed to something when you have no recollection of doing so. I am 40 now and have spent most of my life wondering when things will get better and I now realise that all that time spent wondering rather than doing something was because I had my independent spirit choked out of me ages ago. Good luck to us eh?

Your dad reminds me of my dad. He is the worse with my middle sister and has decimated her self esteem. He is a narcissist and only cares about his sister and family. Do whatever you can so you don't have to depend on him at all. Once you are ready to move if you can don't tell him your address. Use a po box. I feel your pain. Hang in there.

My father died nearly eight years ago. I've never shed a tear over him since that day and I have never missed him.

Still waiting for mine to go. Since my mother died it has become easier for me to hate him and see him for what he is. I can't see me crying either, it just makes me sad that I now feel that I understand him so well but I also feel that I am now becoming him and I am too weak to fight it.

After all of the pain that I have endured from my father, I look forward to the day when I can say the same.

I'm in the middle of the process of disengaging and letting go of my 'father'....it's not my fault for all the horrible things that happen in your life, perhaps you should take some responsibility....and not laugh and joke about how your son will end up in a pine box--you disgusting toxic liar

I'd like to know how that is going for you, I am currently doing the same and have been doing so for about 9 months now. I find the more I understand him and accept what he is and that what he has done is abuse the easier it is to let go. It is such a lengthy process and so draining.

my dad is the EXACT same way!, and as soon as I snap im the bad guy, same with my little sister, she is the same $%^&ing way and my mother will throw me under the bus just so she can avoid conflict. i hate my family, sure we have it good but holy **** money means nothing when you get sick every time you hear the door open and close.

<p>Dear Toxic Parent,<br />
Your story relates to my story but the only difference is with all that my father was abusive. He would beat the hell out of us for silly things like bad grades. He would humilate us and punish us, and say bad words. When I was in college I was late to come home and he beat me up and threw alcohol in my face. The problem is in Arab countries we have to see and visit our parents. There is no escape. He has shoowed some changes recently but I cant accept him. He is still very greedy although he is a rich man. All the way through my school years I have been left with no money. I used to take money from friends, men, other relatives. He even took some money that was meant for me. When i got married he gave me some money to buy stuff and than asked for it back. He is a greedy old bastard, who thinks only of himself but claims that when he dies we will get too much money. Does that mean we should wait till he dies. I dont wish death for anyone.</p>

This sounds a lot like my dad who I have recently had to cut out of my life in order to continue rebuilding my life as an adult. The lack of his ability to admit any responsibility for the things that happened in the past that may have affected my life, and his blame and judgement of his own daughter make me sick. I have decided that he is toxic to my life, and even thought its hard to forget all the hurtful things he has said, I have to keep doing what is best for me.

Are you talking about my dad because I think we have the exact same one. Nothing I do has ever been good enough for him and everything I've ever done has always been to try to make him and his wife happy. My mother would never stand up for me either and I'm just so pained by the fact that no matter what anybody else says about me, they will always stand against me. My dad has pushed me into a course I truly despise that I never wanted to do in the first place. I've given my everything and I've still failed. Just moments ago he came into my room shouting and said that if I listened to anyone instead of assuming to know everything, we wouldn't be in this problem. I've never been good enough for either of them. Then they try to use money and material things to make everything better. Instead of always putting me down, I wish they would have just opened their ears and heard what I was trying to say. Indifferrence is the opposite of love, hate isn't. They are my parents and I love them, but I deeply hate them. So though I hate them I still care. And that's my biggest flaw.

I think we have the same father. As much as he can try to win your forgiveness or you can try to forgive, it cannot change the ripple affect of what he did. I know how you feel, I am getting treated and it is the best decision I have made. I am no where near ready to forgive. But I am taking care of myself and my marriage because that is my life and priority. Hopefully you find joy in your life and are never a victim again.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all that, it must have been horrible. I can relate to a lot of what you talked about, and I was wondering if we could connect over email and perhaps share some thoughts and experiences. I would really appreciate it, and I think venting about it could be good for both of us.

I can really relate to you. I am a 54 year old never married female living with my elderly father, and I have post traumatic stress, among other things, like I have one more year till I am a survivor of breast cancer, I had a partial mastectomy, 27 rounds of radiation and several bouts of chemo, and about 5 surgeries. But like most of you say, Its all about "THEM" You go to talk to my father, and he talks in cliches, and today was really bad, and i had my best friend over, who he uses. I asked him to please give me so money for the family shopping, he went berserk! Mind you he was eating my friends pizza she got yesterday! He called me every name in the book. Oh by the way, he sits on the phone for hours every night with some mysterious 59 year old woman, who keeps him up to all hours. and then he drives to excercise classes.
He lives upstairs, but prepared all his meals in my kitchen several hours a day! He called me a looney tune, that i should be in a straight jacket, I hear this many times when he goes in his jekkl hyde personality. I finally went berserk on him and said dont take your late night conversations out on me. He said you have no idea, and your stupid. I said get that pizza out of your mouth. he said your friend gave it me, and you dont even pay rent, mind you the house has been paid, and i do so much work in this house and pay for so much, he has a lot of nerve! He finally said go take a nerve pill.
I dont take them for that really. But my dr knows how my father is, and said yes that is why you are on Antivan, cause you can not be stressed you have a much higher risk of getting cancer again. I have one more year. My father tells me you wont get a thing. Mind you a have a will, and I am the executor and poa. I am at my wits end at 3am, and now my friend is here and we have to go shopping tomorrow. I dont want to be tired, so i have to go. I am so glad to find a place to listen to others and also get advice. Peace is hard with these type of individuals, harder i believe cause they are our parents. We thought they loved us, and that we could trust them. I should of known better, he cheated on my mom in this house 47 years ago and burned down this house with another tramp. and rebuilt it. My mother remarried and lives in FL with my step dad, and my half sister and her four kids. I am the only child of my mom and dad.

I sympathise with all of you. It's good to know that I'm not the only one. My dad has used fear, intimidation and manipulation all his life to get what he wants. My mother divorced him as she had had enough. One sister became an alcoholic and then when she hit rock bottom, she pulled herself up and is doing very well career wise. I had a big argument with my dad and his new wife long time ago when my sister was alcoholic, as they literally said 'she's going to die anyway!' Now that this sister is doing well, she wants to rule the family. Now my dad caters to her only. We only have one hour together (the 3 sisters and my dad) for lunch on Saturdays and she only talks about herself now and never lets anyone else talk. If you tell her this, you get a barrage of verbal abuse back from her. My dad now ignores me and my other sister in favour of her, hypocritically (after what he said about her which I never told her). He always puts me down since I became a financial adviser, the other sister says the nastiest things to me as she was in private banking before and lost her job a few years ago. When I ask my dad to chair the one hour lunches so we can all catch up with each other, he says I'm jealous of the little sister and to grow up. He spent the last lunch just fixing his mobile phone with my little sister as if the us 2 were not even there. He was also so insensitive when my cat died in the summer.

I've been reacting with anger for the past few months, as it took me along time to realise what was going on here. Now the family (apart from my mum) blames me because I'm angry that they each ridicule my choices and me. I used to write my dad text messages to tell him why I'm so upset with his insensitive behaviour. But instead of responding to me, he goes and complains to my mum. She tries to reason with him but does not really do anything. I therefore think life is far too short to be spending precious moments of your life with people who are not supportive, loving and kind. I've decided to cut off from them. I won't be going to their farcical lunches on Saturdays anymore. Funnily enough, ever since I have, I am much happier: I have very kind, supportive friends, a great loving boyfriend (whom both my mum and the ex-alcoholic sister made fun of when they saw his picture. What do they know: they're doomed to be single forever) and although I resigned from my previous job, I have job opportunities coming through every day. My mum also bought me a little kitten for my birthday.

My best advice: either accept or reject the behaviour. You do not need to tolerate anything. Tolerating just means half accepting, half rejecting. Walk away and live your own life and funnily enough, the best revenge against toxic members of family is when they see you happily getting on with your own life.

Congratulations first of all. It is so very difficult to experience a living loss that comes with separating from toxic parents. I have separated from toxic father, who was abusive both physically and mentally and continues to be such towards my child and myself (I am 35 y/o now). His abuse to my young son, was the final straw. My mother, she blames and guilt me into staying, so separating from this toxic mother/daughter relationship has proven a tad more difficult because she will show up and blame and guilt and use her poor health as a means of guilt"ing" me. I have, just this week made the stand to her and told her either her criticism, blame and guilt has got to stop or she is voted off my island. Her response was more guilt and blame...so it is a matter of standing my ground for my son and myself. My point is that you are not alone and your strength and courage is admirable. Best wishes for you.

Thank you. I am going through this right now. My "relationship" with my father can only be described as that a young woman would have with an on again off again narcissistic ex boyfriend. My mother, who was my best friend and wonderful parent, just passed away. I feel lonely and crave the parent relationship with my father however I've learned now, at 26 years old and dealing with his selfish tendencies, that any father is not better than no father.

Good lord, I think you might me be from 5 years ago (2010)! I too lost my my mum (who was my life and soul) at the age of 26. At the time I had a boyfriend of 7-8 years who was hands down a narcissist, and who had already sucked much life out of me. The one thing he couldn't break (not for lack of trying!) was my devotion to my mother.

My dad: where to begin?? I don't think he's a narcissist. I've been reading about borderline personality disorder recently and I think it explains a lot of his behaviour. But there is much I don't know of his background from before he met my mum, so naturally I can't say for sure. Maybe he's some other brand of *******.
When my mum passed away, I hadn't spoken to him for over 3 months. He was displeased at me for some minor slight (I think I didn't accompany my cousin to the airport to greet my aunt...they lived in a different city from me) and so unleashed his anger on my mum. I cut off all contact with him. Having watched his treatment of her over the years lowered my threshold for tolerance. His selfishness and lies were the least of it. I'm only just appreciating how much of his toxicity my mum shielded me from. That was the only reason I was and am able to stand up to him.
Anyway, our relationship was fine for a few years. I was living in another country so he managed to keep his crazy in check for the most part. In return, I turned a blind eye to his treatment of his live-in girlfriend (who he hooked up with 28 days after my mum died). As you say, I was craving the parent relationship that I had lost. It didn't feel natural opening up to him, but at the time I didn't feel I had a choice. The facade slipped last year. Every doubt, insecurity and failure that I had confessed to him in the past has been hurled as weapon right back at me 5x more exaggerated. He tries to pit me against friends of mine who appear to be more successful than me - he doesn't even know these people!! The intensity of the attacks has gone up since I moved back into my mother's house (where he lives).

Writing this has been hugely cathartic for me. I have been feeling a bit off balance the last few days, due to his behaviour. I notice that you wrote your post some years ago and I hope you have found some solace since. Just remember how lucky you and I have been in having a mother who we could call our best friend and for everything she has done for us. As for our ******* dads: just remember that the words he's saying are just designed to hurt you: to knock you off your perch/bring you down a peg or two etc. There is no truth to them. They are a tool to gain power in the relationship dynamic. They are not personal. Make sure you don't accept them as such, for your own mental well being and for the power dynamic. Although I stay in the same house as my dad, I don't speak to him unless its necessary. He's in his mid-70s, but healthy. I have zero loyalty towards him and won't shed a tear (even out of joy) when he dies. He ruined my mother's life, my sister's and his girlfriend's. I won't give him the same pleasure.

This is so comforting to know I'm not the only one having to deal with this. My dad is almost exactly what you depict in your story. I feel as though I am slowly starting to think like him, and I really don't want to, because that will affect the ones I love. I can't deal with that. So yeah, I understand how much you hate your dad, because I have the same hostility towards him as you do.

My dad and my sister teases me all the time . And lately they have been getting really hurtful . I run into my room slam the door and cry . I can't take it anymore . I told my mom she does nothing . I've thought about running away and living with my friend or with my grandma . I even tried to hurt myself where I pass out and thinking the pain will go away . But it doesn't . I was on my sisters phone and<br />
Saw messages and they were about me . She was telling lies about me to here friends . My dad calls me retarded and means it . And my sister beats me but my mom does nothing .

It is a breath of fresh air to read some of the stories here, I am in England and have had the near exact experience of many of you. My dad is a complete & utter bastard. He has lived his life with control over my mother and myself & my brother by using fear, violence & mental cruelty. I myself am waiting for the day he dies & I really will rejoice. The Sad part is my mum is still married and still with him, she will never be free until he dies, he had a heart attack last year & alas they operated a triple heart bypass so no doubt he will outlive my mum which makes me so bitter. As kids we were petrified of him, we both had good hidings & he beat my mum, they are now both 67 & just the other week he pushed my mum so hard she fell over. He wanted us both to be barristers, solicitors & neither of us were clever enough to do it, my brother went to uni but he has always put us down, made us feel like we were underachievers, in the town he lives in eveyone hates him, it is a small town & he has managed successfully at some point to fall out with just about every single resident, they know what he is & have over the years said they pity my mother, she has given up & now just puts up with him because she is afraid of being alone in her 60's, I would just love to see her live out her years a happy woman free of him. For years I found it so difficult to make anyone understand what it is like to hate & deteste your own dad, and as of yet have not met anyone in person who feels the same way! I myself have had problems, I had my daughter with a man which beat me & belittled me in the very same way my dad did, i had the courage to up & leave him, my own mother tried to convince me I was doing the wrong thing by leaving, probably because she did the opposite & stayed with that animal called my father. I now just feel let down by men & have been single for 4 years, it's so much easier! There is now increased strain on my relationship with my mum as I now live & support myself & my daughter & want to keep a relationship with my mum but I resent my dad so much & he is now trying to dictate how I should bring my daughter up of course which I retaliate to, I think eventually, sad as it will be, will have to cut them out of my life altogether which will hurt my mum, but what can I do? He was an alcoholic for years & years & he gave up the booze 3 years ago & since ten he is even worse with mum he wants to know her every movement & she is terrified if we go out for the day what he will be like when she gets back. My brother got out, he is in brazil with his family but I still live near them, I just want to get on with my life but it seems so impossible, I commend those of you who have succeeded in moving on, hopefully my day will come.

Ha ha, how typical to want his kids to be a solicitor/barrisor (and a doctor in my case). I hate him, unfortunately I have only come to understand him in the last year or so and finally admit/realise just how toxic and damaging he has been/is.

My dad is the same as yours. Amazes me to realize I'm not alone. His crazy attitude was so powerful and messed up that almost all three of his kids (including me) have it. I managed to break free am working to better myself. My brother and sister are the same as him, and in fact put me down and terrorize me like him. Lately their new style is to talk **** non<x>stop about me...while one of the siblings reports to me about what's going on, even when I tell them not to. I'm at the verge of cutting all of them off for good. I have stuck around this long mainly for my mother.

Reading these stories makes me so sad for everyone posting but also gives me some relief because it is comforting to know i'm not the only one who has had to deal with a father with mental health issues. I don't know anything about BPD really but the kind of behaviour associated with it sounds JUST like my Dad. <br />
When I was 1 and my Mum was pregnant with my brother, my Dad was cheating on her with his now wife- she is the most evil person I could imagine btw, its like she's out of a film or something, but that's not the point...he left my Mum when I was 1 1/2 and she was 7 months pregnant with my brother, he took all of her stuff and locked her out of their shared house. His mistress had a miscarriage shortly after this and he blamed my Mum for her miscarrying, even though my Mum had done absolutely nothing and was dealing with being left by her husband whilst being pregnant and also her Dad had just died too. I only go into this much detail to show the extent to which he is crazy and will go to insane lengths to blame people for stupid things to try to deflect attention from what he has done. <br />
<br />
I am now 23 and although I have managed by some miracle to find an amazing boyfriend who couldn't be more different to my Dad, I am still haunted every day by everything that's happened over my life with him. I have had on and off contact with him throughout my life, less as i've got older as every time I have been around him or been in touch in some way I always go into a downwards spiral, he is unfailingly stubborn, selfish, manipulative, uncaring and like a lot of you have said, he loves playing the victim. But point any of this out to him and he either ignores you completely or will turn it round somehow to say i'm 'playing the victim', even though this is exactly what he does. <br />
<br />
He's never accepted any responsibility for anything he's done, he has alienated his entire family and doesn't speak to me or my brother. I want to stop trying to get in touch but I think its an underlying bond you have as Father and daughter that makes you keep revisiting it- why is he like he is? why doesn't he care? does he know what i'm like now? Does he feel guilty? Does he love me? etc.....these questions will probably never be answered since he is more desperate to appear in control and right than to get to know 2 of his children. <br />
<br />
I just wonder if you guys know if this sounds like BPD as you have experience with men who are suffering from it. Like you said I have only recently realised how abnormal he actually is as a Father, I just used to think he was mean and weak but now (and i'm studying psychology) I am starting to realise there were/are mental health issues there. <br />
My Mum is the best Mum I could imagine, she has taken all the crap in her stride, she never puts my Dad down, has sacrificed so much to raise us by herself with NO financial support from my Dad at all and she is always consoling me when things with him go wrong (which they always do). I don't understand why he could be so nasty to and about someone who doesn't have a bad bone in her body. Over my life he's claimed that my Mum is 'poisoning' me and my brother against him and it makes me so angry because he's done that himself and he also knows that she isn't like that. <br />
Everything he says seems to be thought up to intentionally cause maximum self doubt and maximum pain, and he is just squeaky clean....yeah right!!

my dad is like that. im sixteen. for years i have hoped and needed his approval, but i have given up hope. i live with him, and my mom. no matter how much we wish we can change our parents, we cant. my dad is very insecure with himself, and that is why he acts like he does. i hope you recover. i hope i will too

my father is exactly the same as your dad. if we made a small mistake, he'll automatically scream at us and curse us. then after a while he'll apologize to us..it's a cycle that left so many holes in our hearts. once we told him what he's doing to us emotionally but he just turned it around and told us that it was our fault that he got mad. part of me want to rip his head off but part of me still wants to cling to him, he's my dad after all. but i'm so confused..is it really my fault? i lost all my confidence..before i was so confident with myself..i have dreams, goals, but now i just want to stay in my room. I'm so afraid that if I make another mistake he'll yell at me and curse me. am i a bad daughter? is that why he's yelling at me? I'm so lost..

Can totally relate.<br />
<br />
It's amazing how many people can be feeling exactly what you are, but in the moment, you feel like you're the only piece of **** in the world who has the extreme misfortune of being raised by a PATHETIC *******. <br />
<br />
I was always a mama's girl until I had to live with my dad, because my mom couldn't prioritize her kids and her new boyfriend. After that, I became nobodies girl. There's always been awkward tensions between me and my dad. I just feel so stressed out when I'm around him, my body will literally turn into knots. This is due to years of reprimanding, verbal and physical abuse. I have ******* had ENOUGH. He likes to refer to himself as a "functioning alcoholic", however, we've never been able to communicate for more than maybe an hour without arguing. Some functioning relationship that is.<br />
Maybe that's a lie, It's actually a complete lie. My dad definitely has his days when he's cool! It's like wtf.. is this really my dad :D??! i lovee him, he's not a ******* PSYCHO. so when I have to deal with the few days, or hours, etc. Of the "cool" dad it really makes me hate him even more when he goes back to his usual fuckhead ways. <br />
I seriously can't take it anymore. <br />
If he's in an argument with someone else it gets taken out on me every time. Even if I havent done anything wrong for weeks. It somehow gets re brought up, and that turns into another fight. And I honestly don't know how to take it anymore.<br />
He's ruined ******* friendships, granted maybe they weren't great ones if we're not still friends, But the fact that he thinks he can put My friends down too?? Really baffles me. He hates all of them because "they do whatever they want" or "They walk all over their parents." **** you. They can have civilized conversations with their parents without having to worry about being bashed as a person. I ******* hate this guy, I can't wait to graduate it will honestly be the best thing for our relationship. I feel bad for my 5 year old brother who has t oconstantly watch us fight, it doesnt make him want to come over, he already ******* hates it here.

My dad is exactly.... and i mean EXACTLY like that!

I don't hate my father, I just resent him. I'm 36 years of age and due to a few bad choices I have ended up living back at home. In theory I could afford to move out. I have a good job with responsibility and wonderful friends but my father does not keep well and there are two big dogs which need constant care and attention which I am sure he got to keep me here. My father can be a great guy but he manipulates me and gives me guilt trips should I even try to go and do something out with the old sleep/work/caring for him/sleep cycle. For instance I recently started seeing a lovely man (after not dating for 5 years) and you would have thought the sky was falling in. After a couple of dates he had me moving out and getting married and him going into care. I cannot even take the dogs out for longer than an hour without a comment - where were you, you were out for longer than normal?? If I want to go out on my motorbike he goes on about me having stuff to do and I end up guilty, frustrated and even more full of resentment.<br />
Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly deep down, but I really can't stand it anymore. I am living a life I don't want. I am naturally adventurous and love to travel but he always puts this and hence me down. I sometimes wonder if he is really my real father - we seem so different in attitude. He makes every excuse not to do things and then moans about not being able to do things after. AAAAARRGGHHH!!! <br />
But I worry that now the manipulation has started to succeed in it's aim and is beginning to break my spirit. I want to go, I look at apartments for rent, I amke plans to go and see them and then I wimp out. When does this end? Do I really have to wait until he dies? Sometimes I wish I could just not be here and it would all be over but then I think that it cannot always be like this. There will be a time when I can have my life back. I only wish it was sooner rather than later.............

That's my mom. She pretends she can't do anything. She won't do anything, won't take care of her own dogs, fish, etc, she won't bathe or brush her teeth, she hasn't shopped for clothes in probably a decade. Then she sits there like a lump and all she does is sleeps and watch tv. As soon as I see her she is demanding in a manipulative way for me to do things for her that she could have easily done herself. I used to be afraid when she'd tell me she was going to use the car bc she shakes when she drives. But then after many years, I figured, I should just let her get in a wreck and die. Who cares anymore.

I have been out of the army for about a year. My wife takes care of me I'm an injured vet and i love her but no matter what I do it's good enough for my father It's almost to the point I wish I would of died. I can't seem to please my father. A very interesting person. I was army and he throws marine corps in my face. Just thank god for my wife. Been told should of died three times and my dads gets mad at me when I tell him becouse he says I'm pulling down the famliy.

Your Father sound somewhat like my mother. I guarantee, if you gave him a million dollars, he would still not be pleased with you! Just let him suffer and die. That's my answer.

My mother has BPD and she is a wonderful, kind person, and a damn good mother. She would have mood swings and things, but I could forgive her because she was a good parent and did her best.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think having a terrible personality ontop of BPD is what makes a person a bad parent. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, my mother is not mentally ill in the slightest, and yet he's a complete jerk. He pretty much ignored me my whole life while verbally abusing my mother, then he gets mad when I don't listen to him or want to take his advice. In my head I'm thinking "What? So now I exist?" <br />
<br />
And you know the worst part? He's not even sorry. He think he's right and that I'm somehow wrong. Um. Who ignored and neglected who here? <br />
<br />
At least my mother is sorry for her BPD incidents. My father will never apologize, let alone admit he's wrong. <br />
<br />
You don't have to be mentally ill to be a bad parent.

My dad ids about 82 yo and falling apart after 2 partial strokes. Walks holding onto walls. I recently reconnected with him after several years of no communication. What lead to that was we were at dinner and he asked me if I would do CPR on him- he hugged his chest and kissed the back of his hand. When I said that's disgusting, he said to me, my husband and 2 adult children: "I have something to say to you" - "Go to Hell". So we didn't talk for several years. Just recently we reconciled and my parents want to get together again here and there. I have had nightmares about my dad at least once a month since I was 10 years old. This week I had 2 nightmares about him and woke up yelling "GET ME OUT OF HERE". My mom ignores all the bullshit he says and is happy we are seeing each other again. Because he is so old, I feel we should have a "fragile" relationship rather than nothing at all. Believe me, if he dies I will have to wear dark sunglasses because I will NOT BE CRYING.

I relate to this also. My dad is pretty much as you described, and he acts pretty much creepy. He says unusually bizzare things to himself in a whisper or will say it while walking away. It's usually a creepy comment directed towards me or another family memeber or just a creepy comment in general. He also screams out loud "oh god it hurts" in the mornings to wake everyone up. And weird things like that. He also acts like an idiot and talks in a demeaning baby talk type way. He's a creep and an *******.<br />
<br />
Many of you are saying to "get away" but what he does is sits in a chair all day infront of the window watching people come in and out. He sits there on the weekends and plays solitare and if you come down the stairs he will say something negative to you or keep you around or make you feel guilty or scream or nit pick a problem. <br />
<br />
What I do, is don't listen to his threats, I'm physically bigger than him now, so he doesn't mess with me physically anymore - he knows I could beat him up. So basically, I turned the switch on him and stop responding to his threats for the most part. It's a constant battle and a constant fight with him. He threatens to call the cops, kick me out, and stop giving me money, I always say do it then, but he never does, it would reflect poorly on his "image" I think. I've gotten him to change somewhat, but he is the same guy on the inside, he knows im willing to scream and fight back. He controls my financial funds right now, but I'm hoping to get enough financial aid to move out into my appartment soon thank god. Also, when I was getting close to moving out by getting another part time job he'll say stuff like "slow down" and he's all said things to me like "you can stay here as long as you want". It was a trick, everything he does/says is basically a lie and a trick.<br />
<br />
He is a ******* *****, ****, creepy. I don't care that much about emotional scars, I want him to die, if he was dead, I'd be happy. Once I'm out, I'm cutting all ties with him, I will never be around him again and will be able to breathe for once in my life.

Yep, this is my father too. He has fibromyalgia, which would be hard to live with but it's no excuse for him to not be a father to us. I've grown up learning how to act around him to avoid him getting mad, walking on egg shells around him at all times, having to keep everything inside because I had to always be happy around him, even when he was miserable. He isolated me from my friends, hardly ever let me leave the house other than for school, and has shut out the rest of my extended family and make it all seem like he's the victim. I hate him. I want out. I'm 20 years old, going to school and the only reason I'm still coming back is because of money. He's judgemental and treats my brothers like **** too. Hopefully this coming year I will move out and be done with this. <br />
I am so sorry to everyone out there who is suffering with a parent who is like this. It's hard and scarring :(

This is my father too. Growing up the whole family walked on eggshells around him. During dinner he would tell everyone what he thought and the way it was. He would tell us what kids were taking advantage of their parents through weddings, college, etc. and that we should not take advantage of him. He would say he was going to spend all of his money before he died. He was always pissed off and most of the time we didn't know what about. "Is dad mad"? "Yes you left your comb on the sink". "Watch out, Dad's on a cleaning rampage". He would do disgusting things like chase you around the house with a bug or something he picked out of his face. He's old as dirt now and still acts like he's really special and intelligent, and talks about his opinions on everything which is usually wrong. Still talking about his money at every chance "I have money coming out of my eyes", "I'm donating my money when I die", "Look, I just bought this _____ for $$$$$$$$$$$". I have nightmares about him at least once a month. This week I had 2 nightmares including last night when I woke up shouting: "Get me out of here!!!" I can't stand anything about him.

BPD or NO BPD. I will never accept that as an excuse for my father's behaviour. He's just selfish and he makes me sick.

Go baby!

Wow, I can so relate to these stories, and they are written so very well! <br />
<br />
I'm 51, and the only way that I know my dad loves me, is I hear it through other people! He wanted to be respected, and thought that the only way to insure that, was for us (my brother and I) to be afraid of him. We were the good kids in the restaurant....only because we were too afraid not to be. I still remember sitting in a restaurant waiting "forever" for our food to come, and having absolutely nothing to do. Can't play with your spoon, just "sit still and be quiet." And so I'm feeling rotten, and look up to see an elderly lady coming over to our table smiling...and I just knew what she was going to say: My, but your kids are just being so good! (*sigh) <br />
<br />
Booknerd, yes, my dad did not allow us to express anger towards him, so I was pretty stifled for a long while, too! I remember once that I couldn't keep a "blank face" anymore, so I made a mockingly sad face while he "chewed me out,"...... and he never even caught on to what I was doing! My brother and I couldn't ask questions or explain, he was in charge, and that was it! And he also used fear, guilt, intimidation...... etc. Absolutely!! Nothing like humiliation to make your kid do what you want them to do! <br />
<br />
And he is still Jekyll/Hyde.... I called him one day last week, and just happened to say that I had meant to call him the week before, and he went into a kind of tirade: since you're unemployed, why DIDN'T you call me last week? Are you just too busy being unemployed? Blah, blah blah blah.... Alright, so what do you want?! By the way, I was riding my bike....why would you call me when I was riding my bike? Can't you call me at another time of the day?! OK, so what are you calling about?! >>> And then today, he tries to "make up" for what he said before, and actually makes a small joke....!<br />
<br />
He has no emotions except anger, and is as mean as he can be, as often as he can be. He never thinks about how what he's saying is going to make me feel...he just "spouts off." And if he actually thinks he made a mistake, he just goes around it, and moves on. He has no ability to analyze himself or consider how he makes me feel when he talks.<br />
<br />
Thanks very much for writing this, BookNerd! Very powerful!

oh my god!! what u wrote it what i would say if i were more articulate. <br />
<br />
oh myy god.. and the fact that all these other ppl feel the same way.. id on't know.. i ask u, what are father so .. just so... AHHHHHHHHH!!! <br />
<br />
but again. i totally relate. i really do. i really do! can someone help? who?

Damn i thought i was alone with my anger...I always considered myself strong...i dont care if someone insult me....but when my dad insult me....it hurts a LOT...I need time to recover...

i have a father who never take responsability of his actions, he left us,a nd never auspport his kids, never assumed or felt love feelings towards his kids, i despise him for all the damage he caused me, and i blame him for everything in my life , he's the reason of all my personal issues.

Same here.

I do feel your pain. However, I trust myself and the people I love, the decisions we make, our feelings and so on. But, in front of him, we have to control anything that comes as natural to other people.<br />
<br />
Call me a harsh f**king b*tch(and I'll admit that I'm indeed one), but once I grow up, I'm getting the hell away from him, and taking my loved ones along with me, and cutting off every form of contact I could possibly have with him. Deed poll, optional. Emigration, NECESSARY. The world doesn't revolve around him and his ego. I really at this point, don't give a flying f*** about him, or what he thinks of me, now and even then.<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for your story, I think I now know a little more about what problem he is likely to have.<br />
<br />
"He", by the way, is my father.<br />
<br />
I have faith in the future, I simply hope that it doesn't get any worse.

I will kill my dads that's all you guys need to know<br />
<br />
<br />
I was a top kid then my dad made us move from a French place in Canada to an English place in Canada. He always hated me and yells and make those bigs eyes like he gonna rip your neck off... But I will do to him the worst things in the world even if it cost my life

I will kill my dads that's all you guys need to know<br />
<br />
<br />
I was a top kid then my dad made us move from a French place in Canada to an English place in Canada. He always hated me and yells and make those bigs eyes like he gonna rip your neck off... But I will do to him the worst things in the world even if it cost my life

Please do not do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. He's not worth it. In time you will become an adult and leave him. Then it's your choice whether or not you want to cut him out of your life. He would be gone for you and you would not be in jail.

I understand your rageful anger. It is quite appropriate and normal.

My father isn't manipulative but he makes me live a life of fear. He throws fits whenever me or my brother don't do what he says exactly. He is completely unreasonable,he doesn't know what love is. I wish i could love him but the fear that he shows makes me want to take a couple feet back. Ive completely broken down in tears just because when i thought about him i did not know what he was going to do next. I feel like I'm trapped and no where to go. I'm 16 I have friends i can go to when he goes on his temper tantrums. Sometime when i come back from my friends he gets even angrier. I want to completely depart from him when I'm 18 and go to college without support and never talk to him again. He has caused me to lose all emotions when I get angry. I hope i do not turn out like him and abuse them like he did me. He says he isnt a bad father but he isnt the one to judge. I just wish he could realize so we could have a relationship. I am always willing to forgive just as long as he gets rids of his anger problems. <br />
I wish i could get some advice

This is not advice, but when it comes to my Dad, I tell him that if he would just apologize that maybe we could have a relationship. But he refuses to admit he's done anything.
I hope you can take some advice by reading some of these stories. Some people have turned out successful through leaving and making their own life. I hope this gives you some encouragement.

My dad sure had this disease of the Head..a real abnormal guy..Borderline..or Border cross..he would verbally,psychologically,physically abuse my sweet simple Mum, and me n my younger sister too.He is so darn manipulative,I cant even begin to describe.He would forbid us to visit our family or freinds,or go out with mum..and whenever he was unhappy,which he was with us practically all the time, he would have fits of rage..would throw things around..from food to clocks..and disches galore..hurl the most profane abuses at Mum n us 2 sisters..we were just school kids..small girls, and we saw all this.My younger sister,who is no longer in this world,became so silent and reclusive.I on the other hand started to show him my anger.I really dont know how to forgive such a pathetic loser..who unfortunately became my dad..He spoilt my entire childhood..and my sisters..we separated from him when i was in class 9..but he continues to haunt us..even now.He remarried..abused his second wife..she went away..he wanted to come back to us..and to top it all..he blamed the divorce between mum n him on ME..!!huh????I really dont know what we did in our darned past lives to deserve such pathetic Fathers..and Guys..he was a Gay too..can u believe that.I hate him so much more now..cuz I lost my only sister,recently in a car accident..and she..who was so young..could have lived a happy life..if he was a better dad..I had begun to frgive him ..but now its really difficult.Im no angel..he's outtta my life for good..i aint contacting him ever..He has done enough damage to mum my younger sis n me..no more..he just dosent exist for me anymore..PEACE!!!!

I understand how you feel my father sound just like that. Its also hard to forgive my father on the things he have down to my family. I think you are doing the right thing on making no contract from him. I hope you hang in there with you problems. :)

i know how you feel.my dad conrols my family with fear. I cant even talk to him. If my mum says anything that upsets her, he'll just start shouting and swearing and somtimes starts smashing and throwing things. I dont know what to do and i really dislike him

**** a PD. Do not forgive him. If you are able, and you are both age appropriate, kick his ***! I'm serious. I didn't when I had the chance and I ( at 55 years of age ) woefully regret that I didn't take action when I could have. If you can't/won't do it correctly, don't have children. Bad parents beget bad parents. I fathered no children on purpose.

i hATE MY DAD FOR BEING UNREASONABLE of everything..........WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate him so much............

I agree with everyone. I think my dad has Schizoid Personality disorder. He goes off for little to no reason randomly. He is cold, and it seems the only time he can talk to me is when he has something insulting, caustic, or something logistical to talk about.<br />
<br />
He is emotionally abusive, and I can't stand his presence. I don't know why my mom tolerates his abusive ways to my brother and I. I truly hate him.<br />
<br />
A part of me wonders if I should even let him walk me down the aisle when I get married....probably not.<br />
<br />
I don't want to pretend when I get enough money to move away and start my new life. I appreciate the basic things he did: contribute monetary funds for my existence. That is the extent. I will probably break even with all the therapy I will need to undo the damage he has caused, making his "contributions to my existence" null and void!<br />
<br />
I am thankful to the experience project for letting me know I am not alone.

Just stay away from him for your health. Wish you the best.

Just stay away from him for your health. Wish you the best.

Reading your stories has made me feel so much less alone.<br />
My father began acting like a bipolar child when my mother left him a year and a half ago.<br />
She left because of the way he treated her behind closed doors, which is now what I go through. As I'm the only girl left in the house I suppose it has become my 'role' in the household.<br />
As many of you have written of your father's traits, mine is also manipulative, cruel and critical.<br />
The man demands respect, but never EVER gives it. If you challenge his view he will attack yours and your credibility.<br />
<br />
This may just be me being petty, but I have always wanted to dye my hair black. He told me that if I dyed my hair black he would sell my dog, my cat and all of my possessions.<br />
I am not so vain and superficial to sacrifice my two best friends to simply dye my hair, but I believe this example says something about his character.<br />
<br />
He will twist events and things I have said out of context and out of logic or their intended meaning all together to make himself out to be the victim. He will guilt me for the things he has bought me, such as school books and basic necessities, and spent quite a few months telling me what a horrible person I am. Once even going as far as to say he wanted to put me into foster care.<br />
<br />
I have spent the last year of my life battling an extreme lack of self confidence and self worth, mild depression, anxiety and imaging problems.<br />
All because of his criticisms.<br />
<br />
I have all of these self doubts through sheer force of will, and have now become numb to him.<br />
He is not my father. I rejected him as kin long ago, and as soon as I leave this house I will have nothing to do with him.<br />
<br />
Anyone going through something similar now, here's how I got though it all.<br />
I focused on the things I *liked* about me. <br />
How if someone asked me for help at school, I would be right there to talk them through it.<br />
If there was a fight, I would jump in the middle. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I just felt the need to vent a little bit. If you actually took the time to read this, thank you.<br />
If you were just skimming, oh well.<br />
<br />
~Krypt

yep! sounds like mine, I'm, how do you say it... "f**ked" now because of him. I can't figure out how he can totally destroy his own daughter and not realise, and still carry on. Uses guilt, I've never asked for anything, everything he has done has been to control me... If I don't do something, or I spend my money on something, I'm throwing it in his face. If something happens, it's my fault, no matter what, which escalates, then I'm even worse for talking back (at 24 years old), most of the time I get kicked out or he reaches out at me (I don't know whether it is to hit me, I'm quite fast but he likes to grab hair and drag), if I try and make some sort of awkward attempt at speaking it either turns into a horrible argument or he yells at me to shut up because hes watching telly/on phone/ reading something/watching a funny video/thinking. I'd never do that! He expects the upmost respect but treats me like a piece of ****. I can't wait to have a decent enough job that I can go away and get a place and not mess up enough that I prove him right and that I can do well without him, I don't want to ever have to come back here once I go. Got too much to say on the subject so I stop here :)

I have a father who is extremely critical and abusive father too. I realize also that I am too sensitive and take things to heart when he criticizes me. SOLUTION: EARPLUGS!!! :))

No one is too sensitive. That is a lie that people say in order to get you to shut up and be strong. That is their technique- 'just be strong'. Telling someone that they 'are too sensitive' is abusive in itself. It is almost as bad as the original abuse.

This sounds just like my ex husband. i have 3 wonderful kids. Intelligent but underachievers because of him. He has destroyed all of us emotionally and psychologically. I hate myself for staying with him for so long 20 years because I thought the kids needed a father and anyway he made me feel lke it was all my fault.I am now suffering panic attacks and depression because everytime I look at my kids Im ashamed of myself that I didnt leave him when they were younger.Thankyou all for letting me see that we are not the only ones

That's what they do- they make you think it is you- and that is how they are able to get away with their abuse. Another thing they do is when you accuse them of what they have done, they #1 Ignore you #2 laugh at you #3 Tell you to go away/shut up/leave them alone #4 Tell you that you are insane/need a psychiatrist #5 Ignore you again #6 they become mute when it comes to admitting their wrongs #7 They admit it- then say: you made them do it #8 they say 'you asked for it' #9 if you point out that they are abusing you, they are offended! #10 any way they abused you in the past- they have forgotten, therefore- 'it never existed. period.'

Thank you soooo very much for sharing this with us. I just realized how much my step father has mentally damaged me. Now i see why it is that he can scream and call me names one day and then cry apologizing the next. But he never stops he does it over and over again. The final straw for me was the day that i found him drinking after three years of supposed sobriety. I let him know how extremely upset his drinking made me and that i was unable to understand why he would do something that knew damaged my entire family. He began screaming at me that his drinking was none of my business which enraged me because it was my business..i unfortunately lived with him and had to deal with HIS CONSEQUENCES. That day i told him that any respect that i felt towards him was gone. Ive stayed true to my word, i no longer care about his drinking and i no longer respect him. I just wish my mom was strong enough to leave him.

My father was an *******. He died a few years ago. But I will never forget the pain and torture he inflicted on us. I tried to save my mom and sis, but I could not. He would beat my mom, tell my sister that she is not his child, even though she is. <br />
Everytime I think of him now, I have a monster in me I want to let out, wishing he was alive so I could kick him in his ribs. I hated that he died early. I wanted him to stay alive so he could suffer in return for hurting us. I wanted to make him feel like a worthless piece of ****. I wanted to kick him repeatedly till he can't talk. I know that all these things can easily make me like him... I am seeking help for my anger and rage.<br />
I don't think I can ever forgive my father. Even though he is dead, I hope that he is in pain and that his soul is suffering every ******* day. i hate him.<br />
i've left home 10 years ago, but I will never forget the pain. I'll never forget how he hit my sister before her chemistry exam and fractured her arm. I hated that he would beat us before our exams so that we could fail, so he could beat us more. I ******* hate him.

Do you feel better since he died? I am waiting to feel better when my dad dies....

I feel the same pain when I think about my mom and how she abused me. Sometimes I dream about killing her- not that I would ever do it- but not that she would die, exactly- but have to keep coming back alive so that I could kill her again. These images I get started in childhood when she would abuse me, and sometimes they recur; I used to ignore these feelings because they made me feel really horrible but now I am just starting to admit them and see them for what they are- they are my protective instinct to protect myself from her. Unfortunately, I was not able to protect myself... because what person wants to actually hurt their mother? At least I recognize it as an inherent age-old instinct and hopefully one day I won't feel guilty about it. How else am I supposed to feel towards someone who abused a tiny child over and over again? I think it is perfectly normal to want to kill her.

I feel so happy to have found this site. I never thought that other people were sharing the experiences i have with my father. <br />
It makes me feel relieved that other people seem to have been able to move on with their lives after such experiences, i cannot wait for the day when I can finally move out away from his reign on terror and abuse

My mouth was wide open as I read this. It is exactly like my Dad. Exactly.

Good for you! You seem to respect and love yourself to create a boundary that he should not penetrate. You also seem to love your dad despite the problems he has brought into your life. I wish you love and understanding.Thanks for sharing your experience!

I can maybe forgive myself for not being able to forgive that hienous ****. So he has BPD that explains a LOT but doesn't in any way change what a physical, emotional bully he is.His crimes of the past are still affectting the present. Finding myself withdrawn and depressed, scared of confrontation and too eager to please and for years I blamed myself! When all the while it was HIS fault.I fear for him because one day I will beat the evil **** out of him. But out of respect for the family, I wont. Probably.

Its unreal how much i can relate to this. It like your describing my father aswell! I'm so pleased that your not letting your fathers actions effect your life. I think the reason many people behave like this is because of problems in their own childhood which they are still struggling with. I think it is so good that so many of us can understand this behavior and work hard to move on and so not let it effect us in a negative way, this means that hopefully our own relationships will be very healthy and so people who act like this will become less and less common.<br />
Thankyou x

God I know what it's like :/ that is basically my dad too I'm only 14 and I've ran away few times but it hurts my mom so much and she's already in so much pain bc of my dad

I know at 14 you are in a difficult situation. I lived to. Leave home. I joined the military when I was 18 and it was the best thing I ever did. I got to learn new skills, get a college education, build a solid and respectable career, make good friends, create a sane life, and create a family of my own -- all without my dad"s help. Sometimes, distance is the cure all that saves your life. I spent 20 years in the service and loved every minute of it. May God bless you and keep you safe and your soul protected.

All these stories remind me of my dad and it is nice to find a place to share these stories. No one wants to hear them in the real world. Thank God I have friends who have known me for more than 15 years who I can talk about this stuff to or else for sure I would have killed myself. My dear husband has really gotten me through a lot as well. My mother is actually the one with borderline personality disorder probably, but my father is as close as you can be to it as well. I hate him. I hate him for ignoring me so many times, for discounting my experiences and feelings, for ridiculing me, for telling me I'm not good enough, for getting mad at me for getting a B+ or an A-, for cheating on my mom, for leaving me with my crazy mother, for resenting my presence in his life for so long, for his wishing I was a boy with the same interests as him, for telling me I'm not pretty, for ignoring me when I was being bullied, and most of all for IGNORING HIS RESPONSIBILITIES AS A FATHER. He just checked out and dived into his basement or his office whenever things got dicey, but when he would surface he would expect our whole world to revolve around him and now he RESENTS me for not being more respectful of him and acts as if I AM THE CRAZY ONE. He is rude and thinks the whole world revolves around him and when people respond to his craziness he GETS INSULTED. He has no social skills, especially with women, and he thinks he is the "GREAT LISTENER." Forget it I think he has a BPD too. Too much craziness. He can NEVER see himself as an evildoer he is always miraculously clean and innocent. I try not to see him as Satan, I try to see him as human, I try to remind myself that it isn't healthy to harbor so much resentment against him but it is so hard.

Same with me- I try not to see my parents as Satan. But they 'look the part'.

i have perfect grades. always top 5 in the class of 80 complete AIEEE geniuses. either ways, i am treated as a liability, a waste. a dog would have been treated better.in college i am treated like a born genius by my friends and even by my teachers.My friends always ask my advice if in need of any. yet my father scolds me even for drinking water against his will. but i have learnt that it is the way he treats u that can be changed but it ur ability to understand wht a lame *** son of ***** he is.<br />
and for that i have come with a solution.<br />
<br />
1) V imp. NEVER CRACK A JOKE. Never smile infront of him. but dont look at him frowning.<br />
2) Only respond to what he says. <br />
3) Do not express ur opinion unless asked. and when asked be firm and tell him what u think. no uh.. or hmm.... And never answer by saying "i don't know". [NEVER]<br />
4) Avoid looking at him at all times. it helps by thinking "he is not a person but a ghost"<br />
5) Avoid staying within his presence. if he's in the hall . get out.<br />
6) If abused don't look at him.just nod and mind ur own business.<br />
7) try to avoid the usual abuses. by cleaning ur room. important point: he will look for several ways to find faults. and at these times. get out of his vicinity.<br />
<br />
5th point is the most important of all. And Trust me if these dont work nothing will. 17 years of experience..... ill know.

Avoid looking at him at all times. it helps by thinking "he is not a person but a ghost". --I've done this also. It helps a whole lot.

I know how you feel, my dad was just like that. the worst part is everytime I try and cut him out of my life, he gets better. I spent my whole life trying to please him, and now he does this. we get into a huge fight because I refused to be bossed around, and then he tells us he is dying of blood cancer, how could he do that? I told him so many times to stop smoking and now look whats happened. I feel guilty all the time because I know that I shouldnt be mad or hate a dying man, but he used and abused me for years. Because of him, I had to grow up, I gave up my childhood at the age of ten. so that my sisters could have a childhood, so that my mum could be happy. I sacrifced so much to protect my family, and he was constently trying to destroy that. telling me how I wasnt good enough, or how I would never amount to anything. or how I needed to feel sorry for him, or how I was weak because he forced me into depression. how I never thought of others, I gave up so much for everyone else, I took his insults and his punishments so that my sisters wouldn't have to take them instead. and he tells me that I am selfish. I hate him...

What sort of helps me sometimes is when I tell myself he wasn't my real father, that only God in heaven is my real Father.

I never thought there were people out there going through the same **** as me. My dad has ruined everyone living in my house,and the worst thing is that he has broken me down to an anxious, angry kid filled with vicious hatred an absent of confidence, which is making it very difficult to break free. He constantly talks **** on me an putts me and my mom down. She slaves in the house all day every day and he gives her NO respect. He always makes sure I know that he's in charge, and I can't do anything about it. I want to beat his *** half to death, but I have nowherelse to go. My girlfriend also lives with me which makes it even more impossible to move out. I hate him so much. I can honestly say I will cry from happyness when he dies and laugh at his funeral, b/c I know that he'll be in hell, with Satan's flaming **** up his ***. **** You Dad

Man, the worst was in high school. Let's just say he thought he could motivate you to play tennis better by pulling your hair out on the ride home. The only reason I wasn't playing well when he was around was because he was around. I tensed up. Same thing happens at home now even though I'm a junior in college. He doesn't hit me anymore, but I'm still tense. I'm always on my toes at home making sure I don't let myself loose completely, otherwise there's bound to be some kind of ******* disagreement. It's like to what point are you willing to push the envelope to free yourself from that conditioned ball and chain?<br />
<br />
You know I stood up to it one day after my freshman year from college. I was on the ride home with him when he started raging and pulled over the side of the highway. I was just waiting for it at this point. There's nothing you can say to a raging self-serving lunatic like this, even when things are only just starting to get serious. There's always a way he asks you questions that no matter what you say you always turn out to be the bad guy. So, I naturally don't say anything, because I'm not willing to play that game with him. Whatever, he keeps yelling and pulls over to the side of the road, he keeps yelling, and then he reaches over for me. At this point, I was OUT! Lol, I got out of the car, flipped him off, and walked down the highway. He yelled after me, ******, and I kept walking. He tried to follow me but I was OUT. lol, I hopped the rail and climbed over the divider. I was ready to walk home 15 miles. And I was going to. But my dad found the next exit, pulled over crying, apologetic, begging me to get in the car "for your mother." So I didn't want traffic to stop and start a scene, so I got in and he kept crying and turning to me, but **** that mother ******, I didn't say anything for the next 20 minutes on the way home. ******* proved to that **** he can't touch me. Other wise I'm OUT lol.<br />
<br />
To this day I wish I hadn't gotten back in the car with him, and wish I would have replied, "I'll walk home for my mother." I also wish I hadn't promise to him that we wouldn't mention it to mom. Of course when we were back home he was all goody-two-shoes, extra-willing to talk about his behavior, anything really. So I was stupid and just let it slide. I didn't want to fight, and I didn't realize that he was doing that just to regain some kind of self-respect. ****** idiot.

Sounds EXACTLY like my father, but unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that beacuse of him time has really passed for me in alot of ways to be able to have a " normal" relationship with a man( I also mean family etc) I have children but you know what I always picked someone that was in EVERY way just as abusive as my father and some of them worse. I am surprised in one relationship I was in that I am still alive. Lucky for you you have someone but none the less I know TOTALLY what you are talking about and its devastating.

I just found this website 10minutes ago and read your story and instantly felt better. I knew other people had problems with their dads but I thought I was the only one who had these particular troubles.. but you have them too.<br />
Just had this argument with my dad that seemed to blow up out of nowhere. He's shouting me down to appear the bigger guy because his brother (my uncle) is over for the week from America. I just can't be dealing with that sort of behaviour. He came upstairs and 'apologised' for embarassing me infront of him and then straight after he blamed me for doing something I didn't do and when I tried to explain that to him he accused me of being rude and he said it at a volume that ensured my uncle would hear. <br />
I don't know what I can do to make him aware of his own actions and how they hurt people.<br />
Thankyou for your story and I'm glad I found this website.

i hate my dad too... he was depressed and suicidal and kept that private. i feel like i have bpd and am 20 years old. sometimes i feel like suicide would make sense but its always an impulsive fantasy... or nightmare depending what your perspective may be. i wont do it, it would be wrong. but i dont know how to cope with this unbearable self perpetuating trap.

wow I only came here because i hate my dad, but reading these stories makes me realise he's just like your dads too. A controlling, power-freak, who would prefer everyone around him to be idiots so that he can sit back and feel like the most intelligent person in the country, looking down on all of us plebs. I'm in my late 30s now, trying to finish a degree that i never got to do before because every single time i tried or applied, he would talk me out of it. He insulted my mother so often that she eventually left (smart woman), so he sat around for a few years bitching about her, trying to make us kids hate her, while all it was doing was making himself look bitter and mean. He remarried to an ugly, mean and incredibly stupid woman who he likes because he can feel superior to her, even though they hardly ever talk to each other anyway.<br />
<br />
But mostly, he just likes to pick on his children, hold us down. I have some siblings, they were great scholars in school and have gone on to become complete losers, relying on my dad for financial support, flirting with drug abuse, never had a job for even a day, they learned early on that all they had to do was be as stupid as possible, let him rule their lives, and be compliant and unquestioning around him, and he would give them just enough money to keep them coming back for more.<br />
<br />
I think i'm the lucky one, i spent a lot of time around other people's parents, watching how 'normal' people behaved, when i was younger. I realised early on that he was abnormal (although i didn't know there was a name for it until today), and my stepmother hated me enough to put more distance between him and I... which meant that i had to leave home early and get a job. And even though he has talked me out of getting my degree (or any qualifications at all), I started studying on the sly anyway. I just stopped mentioning it, cos i knew he'd just **** on it. So a few years ago he disowned me anyway, because i wasn't playing the game like the others do. I think i was supposed to go grovelling back, I'm not sure, but it's been the best thing ever. I smile more, i laugh more, i never have to listen to his crap again, i don't have anyone telling me how much I suck, i don't have anyone talking me out of my degree or belittling me or berating me or trying to force me to be a parasitic loser because it would make him happy. (Or would it? Nothing has ever made him happy as far as I can tell).<br />
<br />
It was amazing after he was gone out of my life... at first it was difficult understanding what had happened and so on, and i felt plain awful for months, went to therapy and all the rest... but one day it was like a light went on, and i realised i could do or be anything i wanted now, there was nobody holding me back!<br />
<br />
I truly feel for you all that are still stuck with your dads emailing or phoning you with their crap, because i know how that feels, and i know how it can ruin your day/week/month/year. One short email from my dad used to have me in tears sometimes, and the next thing i'd be fighting with my husband about something trivial, and upsetting the children and so on, then eating myself sick on sugar... or drinking a whole bottle of wine or something. SO glad he's gone, i can finally get serious about my life. I can finally relax in my own home, knowing that he isn't going to suddenly phone and muck up my headspace. <br />
<br />
The guy needs therapy or something, but it's his problem, it's not mine any more.

That was so great, thanks, because it encouraged me.

wow... I can really relate to this. Know that you're not alone, and you're so brave and<br />
strong for keeping that mean bastard out of your life!

"Hate" is such a strong word and I don't like to perceive myself as "hating" anyone. However, I'm deeply concerned about the hurricane of emotions I've felt over the last year when I've come to realize how much I've played into my father's lies and deceptions over the past 15 years. Shock. Horror. Void. Rage. Sadness. Betrayal.<br />
<br />
As I read through your stories, I see a striking commonality and I cannot believe I didn't recognize it before--the BPD. While he and my mother have kept up the blame-shifting onto my uncle for the past 15 years, I'd forgiven him and forgotten the severe child abuse, undermining and manipulations (physical, psychological and financial.) <br />
<br />
Although I'm almost 40 years old, I'm still struggling to complete my university degree because my father pulled the rug out from underneath me when I was in my early 20s. At almost 40, after a failed marriage and failed attempts at healthy relationship with men, he did it again and I sought counseling. I didn't see it clearly, but the counselor saw right away that my father was a sexist, controlling bully and did not want me achieving a higher level of education than him in order to keep me dependent. I always was--and still am--an honours student and academic at heart. Yet, I always deferred to his will and his wishes.<br />
<br />
Part of me is so angry for the life I've sacrificed because I keep making excuses. I'm angry for the unnecessary struggling, because my family is well-off. I'm angry because I could be giving my child a better quality of life, had my family just allowed me to develop normally and naturally. Now, I have to compensate twice for this "arrested development" I've really consented to as a adult child of someone with BPD. <br />
<br />
Even as I type this, I find it so hard to articulate myself, because I spent so many years lying to myself. My own denial has caused severe anxiety disorders and even when I’m feeling strong and in control of my life, a part of me is always cringing inside for fear of attack of either some “unknown enemy” or a lashing from my ex-husband. In May, I received the last verbal lashing from my father and since then I’ve forbidden him to contact me. I do not respond to his emails if he sends them and had my cousin tell him not to contact me. However, she still “plays the game” and told him instead that I would “contact him when I was ready.” At this point, it’s just semantics.<br />
<br />
Someone in an earlier post mentioned the moment of “waking up” and after processing things, I feel that in some respects I’ve woken up again too. I have stopped being compliant, and really this was the source of the last lashing, which I cannot bring myself to repeat all the details. The revelation for me in all this is uncovering more about who or what this “unknown enemy” is. <br />
<br />
Out there, in the “real world,” I’m meeting adult men who do not whip, abuse or undermine their daughters. They support and love them—and even lend some of their inspiration and support to me. This knowledge contradicts everything that my father has taught me about myself since I was a little girl. The fact and net effect of his actions towards me is, that he is not “on my side” as he always had claimed. He did not stand beside me and my son when I most needed him and he didn’t have faith in my intelligence or abilities. It was easier for him to have a “bad” daughter than an intelligent and successful one. Most importantly, I am not “my own worst enemy” nor am I “crazy” or in need of psychiatric help as he so often tried to convince me. Simply, he could not see me for who I am—and who I am is stronger, more beautiful, more moral and more capable than he will ever know.<br />
<br />
Thank you for letting me ramble on about this. I really needed a forum to get this off my chest.

Hey Nevermindo, So much of what you said is the same for me: well-off parents, father that belted his daughters (even though apparently he never got hit himself as a kid, it was a little "innovation" of his own), just instinctively put himself &amp; his needs first at all times, profoundly &amp; repeatedly disrupted our lives - national &amp; international relocations because he couldn't 'settle down' and was chasing the big bucks, the vast majority of which he spent on luxuries for himself &amp; my almost equally narcissistic mother, rather than having any interest in providing any stability for his kids, with absolutely zero interest in or concern for the effects of his behavior on us, he simply wasn't &amp; isn't capable of considering others.
I have moved to another state and have basically no contact with him. It's kind of a relief.

Right on, Sister! I am inspired by your courage and appreciate your understanding of others" situations. You have a heart and deserve happiness. Thank you!

Whenever I try to ask my Dad to apologize to me for not protecting me from my mother's abusiveness towards me, he smirks at me and shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head at me, then accuses me of having a mental illness and needing psychiatric help. Now, I know there is nothing called 'the Devil', but, it seems to me I have found him- both he and my mom together.

I am so impressed with all of you here!!! I did not grow up with a family member with a PD, but I DID marry into a family where both my FIL and MIL are emotionally detached, judgemental, controlling, super-critical and downright angry if they don't get their way. We've had fist-fights on our front lawn between my husband and my FIL. My FIL refuses to admit that is a problem and won't even apologize for it!!! They sling accusations that I have done this, that and the other thing, and are saying that I just won't forgive and forget. kyosaku, you really hit it perfectly in what you remembered from the radio!!!!<br />
<br />
They insist that I am the one who has BPD, in fact, Iwas seriously laughing when I read the excerpt from "Walking on Eggshells" as it was given to my husband as a Christmas present from his Dad...sent to his work address so that I wouldn't know about it since I am really the one with the BPD. Nice gift, huh! <br />
<br />
There is so much more to it I don't have the time or the inclination to regurgitate it all, but needless to say they have said to us directly that they don't think I make their son happy and that THEY divorce me; that me and my husband would be better off apart. <br />
<br />
We have 2 kids that are scared to death of their Grandparents because of what they've witnessed, and a 3rd who is too young to even know who they are. I have wasted many hours discussing this with my husband trying to figure out what the logic is in this - what MY contribution is to this situation to no avail. All I can come up with is that we are not allowing them to decide what we want for our kids and our marriage..basically for our life and since that doesn't match with what they want they just freak out and become verbally abusive (or on occasion physical), lie about what they said and did to make me look like the freak, try to make my husband feel so guilty he'll do what they want, etc. That doesn't work with me - I'm not a self-sacrificing person and I have very well-established limits for myself. The only decision I can make is not to ever deal with these people again. I am the bigger person and invite them over for my kids birthdays and on Christmas, but thats all I can handle. They can't even talk to me directly...even when my Mom passed away from cancer last fall. I never even got a condolence from either of them, and they showed up at the funeral home & funeral after my Husband asked them to let me have my space. Their excuse is that they wanted to pay their respects to my Mom...that's just plain SICK!!!! Everything is always about THEM!!!! <br />
<br />
My husband, thank God, has been so understanding of me and is sick of all their crap too. This is really taking a toll on our marriage. My husband just simply can't deal with the negative emotions of it anymore, and we are finding it harder and harder to communicate. I wish I knew what I could do to make this better. It does make me feel a little better to hear that there are other people who don't want their parents in their lives - it makes me feel less hateful and unforgiving.

Me too. I feel so guilty and hateful and so very angry. And it's not like I am ever going to get apologized to and be able to make amends, because they don't even acknowledge there's 'a problem', even when I explain it to them and lay it on the line pure and simple. They are closed doors, and they have dug their own graves, lied down in them, then refused to make amends with their offspring. GOOD riddance!

My father was not BPD. It took years for me to realize that he was hypercritical, withdrawn, emotionally unavailable, and abusive (physically and mentally) because he had gotten the same from his parents...mother emotionally absent, father all the rest. He was also the middle child of 11.<br />
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So this emotionally devastated shell of a man, who's sense of self-worth was trashed, married the prettiest girl in the county. She married him, partly to gall her Dad, and at 18 was already on the road to alcoholism (40+ years sober now). Horray mom!<br />
<br />
I heard on the radio on my way to work about ten years ago, something that made me think. "You don't have to like your parents, but you do have to forgive them. The forgiving is for you, so that it doesn't poison you from within. It doesn't mean forgetting what they did or making it OK, because it isn't. It is just a way of letting go of pain." (This isn't exact but its real close)<br />
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My father died at 53, 6 years younger than I am now. As I have begun to feel better about myself, I have begun to remember some positive things, long forgotten in my angry days. I don't hate him anymore. Mostly I regret that he never really knew what a fine and loving person I have become, in spite of it all.<br />
<br />
You are way ahead of where I was in your understanding. I was a wreck for years, before I figured out that I wasn't screwed up like he always said I was...it had always been him that was screwed up.<br />
<br />
You touched a lot of people with this. Personally, having worked with a lot of young people way more messed up than I ever was, I think I can say with some authority...you're pretty up on this, and well nailed together. I am impressed by your attitude and your insight. Thanks for articulating your struggle for the rest of us.

My dad was/is also hypercritical, withdrawn, emotionally unavailable, and abusive. And his brother once asked him: what did "the folks" do to you to make you respond like this? And my dad, supposedly won't answer. I don't know if he knows but doesn't want to say, or it's been blocked cause it's too painful. But my dad is a "freakin' mess," and I'm trying hard not to let him get to me, bring me down, make me crazy....whatever it would be called!

I see a lot of my father in yours. I empathize. <br />
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My first boyfriend I became attracted to because he was like my father. (I didn't realize this for months upon months afterward.) We would talk about something trivial, disagree, and it would escalate. I would say it doesn't matter and we should just leave it at a disagreement, but he would say I was being unreasonable and he MUST change my mind. He would say it's a problem with the way I think. Sometimes I had preferences I couldn't back up with logic, and he couldn't accept them as valid wants or needs until I could explain why I wanted them. I would say I would be too tired for a walk after work, but he refused to believe I already knew what would happen; he insisted on asking after work if I was too tired. Our arguments were constant, and over the stupidest things! They always ended with personal insults and yelling about how he couldn't stand me. And if there was something significant we disagreed upon, God forbid I should be wrong about something serious, everything I believed was twisted and wrong and everything he believed was right. He would even tell his friends what a great movie [blah] was and how [so-and-so] should go see it, and all his friends would chime in that he was wrong and they all hated it, but he said [so-and-so] WOULD like it because HIS family did, and they were ALWAYS RIGHT. <br />
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A couple years later, the similarities are evident, and I am so glad he dumped me. (He said he was putting more into the relationship than he was getting out.) I can see all the ways he made me feel worthless and recognize when my father uses the same tactics. My father has a way with words... a way to make everyone else feel like crap. He needs control and he needs respect, even though he deserves neither. <br />
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I know what you mean when you say it's better not to be in contact with him. Do you know how to block certain email addresses? It is definitely healthier to stay away from that influence. He has permeated your image of yourself and warped it; you are still trying to shed the la<x>yers of damaged self and grow a healthier one. I wish you the best of luck and the most supportive friends and family to help you through this. You deserve to leave it behind and take charge of your life.

Yes, dianecantante, my father is polite to everyone....outside his family. His friends don't hesitate to tell me that my dad is a great guy, and I'm so lucky! "I needed "this or that" and your dad just did it for me!" Mine also needs control and respect, and deserves neither! Also, I found out that my ex and my dad have many traits in common, and I didn't realize it for years!
I can't wait till the day that he is out of my life!

Luckily for me I always said I wasn't going to marry a man like my dad. I know I met that man once - weird, wanting to kiss up to my mom, everyone hated him, only nice to me. So I married his complete opposite- intelligent, funny, smart, sexy and fair. He is my best friend.

I simply believe that some brains are wired differently than others in the way they communicate and the emphasis and importance they put on things. Your boyfriend needed Understanding first, 'believing' second, and therefore his brain was wired to first want explanations and reasons that were logical, then second can come the unexplainable, mysterious reasons that you don't feel like explaining to him. Me and my father seem to have a similar relationship, only I am the one who needs logical thought, reasoning, explanations, and he is the one who has 'beliefs' that are just 'true' without any explanations or reasoning, and refuses to use logic or have logical discussions. It drives me absolutely insane. He can make a false statement, then totally believe it is true, and when I call him on it, he refuses to see the illogic of his belief/statement. Whatever is true for him, is 'true', and 'no explanation is necessary' and 'I am right just because I believe I am right and refuse to consider the use of logic'. I cannot have relationships with people like this.

My father allways made me feel guilty about everything! The all family made his will, just no to see him upset! I'm 45 now! He is 76! A year and a half ago, i left my ex-husband and sart a new life with a brasilian men, wich is poor , ha been ill, but we love each othe no matter wath!My father went mad! Today he says the worts things about my beavior !But wants me to visit him anyway! But alone, he did never spoke to my new husband! slowly i stopped to visit him often! Had to go alone! I say to myself today : my father ruled my life! But this time e did not! this time I won! He says i took the life and the pleasure of him! Curious, I do not feel guilty, but relieved! Now he is bitter, misearable, unhappy , but he never gives up his proud! Then why shoud I? My family is against me too! But i know why! They, like me , have allways been afraid of him that is the true i foud at 45 years old! Sad isn't it!!! By the way i have depression and generalized anxiety disorder! All this because of my father? I Still don't want to belive in that...but.... well...now is too late !The damage have been done...I'm going to live my new life.....guilty? a litlle...

It's like you are all describing my dad too. I was told that my dad was diagnosed with this at one time, but he had so many other problems I wasn't sure I really believed it. After reading this, I can see there is no other explanation. This is my dad.

God I could relate to all of these stories. I am 53 years old, and just realized my father has a BPD. He did not drink, he did not beat me(physically), but the scars of emotional neglect, distance,lack of warmth,empathy and love will remain with me, but deep down inside, so deep that I will not let it affect my healthy relationships. I look back at the manipulation, the control, the erratic behaviors, not realizing as a child this was so so abnormal. I have no desire to see him, speak to him, or have my children do the same. He will be 79 years old this year almost approaching 80 and he has still not changed. Bitter, misearable, unhappy and thank god far away from me.

Sounds like my father.Still around aged 81 and havent spoken to him in 2 years. He has completely ruined my life, without saying a word. My resentment is so ingrained in me that i live in hell most days. I am from England and emigrated to theU.S. in 2000 with my ex wife and 10 month old son. My father has never called to ask about him and when i bought this subject up years ago he replied that my son should call him. It's fairly typical of him. I was always the under acheiver and he told me so everyday. I defy anyone to be successful with a father like him. I even turned to the church for guidance but that hasnt worked either. So many things i could say but after this amount of time and being beaten down so many times, there is no strength left in me. He has actually become more powerful in his silence. What a sad situation.

God, I know. I think they basically brain-wash us, when we're little, and it's not necessarily possible to undo that.

Louey--You are exactly right. PDs are difficult to diagnose and treat, so my family struggled for years just to define the problem. The symptoms are so varied and intangible that it's tough to tell someone else what's going on. I'm sure you experienced that yourself. It sounds like you have come to terms, as much as anyone can, with your father's behaviour. It sucks, doesn't it? And believe me, I don't mind the profanity. I remember what a relief it was when I first started to use some pretty obscene terms, if just in my own head, about my dad. He did not allow us to express anger towards him, so I was pretty stifled for a long while. Profanity helped :)<br />
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Celainn--I salute you back! Anyone who had to deal with a Jekyll/Hyde dad and can still function like a normal adult earns my deep admiration and respect. I am always sad to hear about good daughters who needed good dads and didn't get them. It's tough to learn how to survive when you're that young. And you're certainly right...he hasn't done anything to earn forgiveness. But I have started to wonder if forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgivee (?), if you know what I mean. It might be more for my own sanity than anything. But I'm nowhere near being able to do it, so I suppose it's all a moot point for now :)

Wow, your dad sounds just like my dad. I despise my father for his angry, selfish and controlling personality and the damage it has done to my family. I always thought he had a personality disorder, though he has never been diagnosed as such (not that he'd ever turn up to a psychologist appointment anyway because he doesn't think he has a problem). Unfortunately, as I understand it, PD's are notoriously difficult to treat. And it's made worse by the patient's lack of insight.<br />
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I thought that knowing my dad had a PD would help me understand why he is such a fuckstick (pardon the language), and maybe even have pity on him. But that hasn't worked. His behaviour is still very hurtful and upsetting, and I don't think I will ever accept it. I wish I could forgive him and not be bitter about it, like you. And I wish I could opt never to speak to him again, but it will tear me apart from my mother who I love dearly and who would see that as too extreme. But yes, my dad is also toxic and causes great damage to my mental health. I just acknowledge his presence but ignore him as much as possible.

Hey Louey, I personally think the whole "you should forgive" thing is a pile of crap. You 'should' only forgive if it feels right for you, otherwise it's just some ignorant outsider's self-righteous opinion. (I have come across far too many preachers of forgiveness.) Look after your own mental well-being first and foremost, that (as far as I'm concerned) should be your top priority. You need to look after you now, not him.

((hug))<br />
from Mary Oliver's Flare:<br />
<br />
My father<br />
was a demon of frustrated dreams,<br />
was a breaker of trust,<br />
was a poor, thin boy with bad luck.<br />
He followed God, there being no one else<br />
he could talk to;<br />
he swaggered before God, there being no one else<br />
who would listen.<br />
Listen,<br />
this was his life.<br />
I bury it in the earth.<br />
I sweep the closets.<br />
I leave the house.<br />
<br />
I mention them now,<br />
I will not mention them again.<br />
<br />
It is not lack of love<br />
nor lack of sorrow.<br />
But the iron thing they carried, I will not carry.<br />
<br />
I give them--one, two, three, four--the kiss of courtesy,<br />
of sweet thanks,<br />
of anger, of good luck in the deep earth.<br />
May they sleep well. May they soften.<br />
<br />
But I will not give them the kiss of complicity.<br />
I will not give them the responsibility for my life.