Toxic ParentMy dad is best described in this excerpt from "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.
"If you ob
My dad used fear, guilt, intimidation, blaming, and manipulation to control my whole family. He's poisonous--the kind of person who has you doubting your own perceptions and beliefs. Life with him was a rollercoaster--up and down, for years and years. He'd rage and snarl one minute, and then apologize the next, and expect you to forget all about it. The constant instability and insecurity eventually rendered me completely numb.
I'm recovering now, but I am still pretty screwed up. I have no healthy way to handle negative emotions. I'm sensitive, fearful, and insecure. All of these things are reflected in my relationship with my new husband, whom I love dearly, and for whose sake I am trying my best to understand and overcome my difficulties.
In the meantime, I refuse to talk to my father. He has no respect for boundaries--never has--and although I've asked him not to contact me, I still get emails and phone calls. When that happens, I get a sick feeling in my gut, and start shaking and crying. Any kind of contact with him brings up overpowering feelings of anger, pain, and confusion. He refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour, and acts like any rift in our relationship is my fault.
I am trying to forgive him. I've read a good bit about Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have come to see that his childhood experiences left him horribly empty and insecure. He feels an insatiable need for control, and in his desperation to hide his flaws he forces other people to accept blame for his actions. Fine, whatever, I get it. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it. He's had plenty of chances to change--to take the time to really understand what it is that he does to hurt other people, and how he can stop it. But he always chooses himself over his family, every time. Betrayal after betrayal.
I can forgive him, if only for my own sanity, so that I'm not eaten up with bitterness. But I will never forget what he did, and I will never allow him back into my life.