The Root Of All My Anger...

I HATE my father. I always have.  The only memory I have of him is picking me up one weekend -- eating pancakes and coloring.  I was 5.  That's the last I heard of him.  My parents got divorced when I was 2.  He never sent a single card, called on the phone, or paid a cent in child support.  I never had a male role model in my life.  I now suffer from low self-esteem and depression.  I am unable to have normal relationships - for fear of being rejected.  I tend to freak out and then freak out whom ever I'm dating and well, that's the end of it.  Generally they last for no more than 2 months. I am almost 29, and fear that I will be alone forever.  Though most of my close friends are all guys -- i just always fall into the just friends role.  That makes me angry.  Everything tends to make me angry.  I try to hold it in and I do for some time, but then I generally end up blowing up.  I try to be proactive and get myself better.  I've seen counselors, been on medicine and have tried various activities to keep myself active.  I surf heaps - a good session will make me ecstatic whereas a bad one will put me in the most horrible of moods.  I know when these tend to happen and distance myself from people cause, really, who what's to hang out with the sand angry girl.  

I've always wanted to yell and scream and even hit my father and tell him what a jerk he is and how he was destroyed a part of me.  I want to vocalize all of it, but I can't.  The pansy off'ed himself several years ago.  Which I then found out that he was living 15minutes from me for the past 5 years.  Now I'm so angry that I can't tell him how much I hate him.  I want to go and smash him tombstone in tiny pieces and jump on it.  I start thinking angry hateful thoughts and it won't stop, it's one after another.  A vicious downward spiral.  I used to have the most horrible temper when I was younger, but have managed to suppress that for the past 7 or so years.  I cry a lot.  I feel as though I am an unwanted person.  That there is no one that will ever love me -- I have never been told "I love you" by any guy.  Pretty pathetic for someone of my age.  I am not ugly, fat or mean.  I can fake being happy pretty well, sometimes I actually think I might be happy.  

I get angry at my mom for never doing anything when I was growing up.  I would cry my eyes out almost every night growing up, throw things, say hateful things.  I was 11 when I first seriously thought about suicide.  

I've been one the move for the last 10 years, moving further and further away from home about every 3-4 years.  Mostly in hope to find somewhere that I belong and feel happy.  Not sure if that will ever happen.

I want to be happy and love my self and meet someone who loves me.  If anyone has any similar experiences with successful tip on how they have overcome anger and depression I would love to hear them.  Maybe they will help me to.

Thanks,

ryn

Kates1327 Kates1327
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 8, 2010

I have almost the exact situation as you, except I'm a 16 year old guy. My mom and dad divorced when i was little, and my dad has never been really involved in my life. He moved away 6 years ago to another state, and I have to visit him from time to time, but he doesn't feel like a father to me at all. I've always been an angry little kid in my huge family, even though people truly think I am a happy person. I'm not though. I can always feel my temper rising, and I feel like such a monster sometimes, but I can't control it. All I can give you is this: you're not alone, and I envy you for being old enough to get the hell away from your father

Hey ryn,<br />
plz don b sad..!<br />
Let me tel u 1 thing..not dat u dunno..not all men r bad..der r good 1s n bad 1s.. <br />
unfortunately v got not so good dads! <br />
plz do try 2 4get dat man.. i can understand hw much he has hurt u.. but derz nothing u can do about d past..uve 2 live wid d flow of life.. part of life..dont let him ruin ur rest of life..<br />
u deserve a happy life now!<br />
but u do deserve a male partner..! u gottu trust some1.. <br />
trust me m sure ur soulmate s waiting 4 u smwhr :)<br />
go on ryn .. good luck :)

dear ryn i know how you feel the sadness af having no one tell you they love you and the fact that you have to face the truth that no one understands you well i do i hate him my dad hes not as bad as yours but i always feel that im alone i end up taking all my anger on others. i kick i throw yet i cant do anything to his face oops sorry this is supose to help you sorry well there are lots of people out there like you or worse just your not alone shirley

Hi ryn, <br />
<br />
I'm sorry for your difficulties. <br />
<br />
I don't think its good to hold all those feelings inside. I would suggest you could go somewhere... in a building... in the country... where you could just let it all out... vent all you want.. scream... let it rip! I believe that can help. At some point then, you will just have to let it go.... If you can ever forgive him, that could help too, but if not, get to a point where you can let it go and no longer let it eat you up. <br />
<br />
Start setting goals for your future. Look for every way you could improve yourself. What interests do you have that you could pursue. What hobbies? Do you like to travel. <br />
<br />
You need to be able to move forward with your life instead of looking back. The Past Does Not Equal the Future! But you can find yourself trapped in the past or at least with all the emotion baggage that comes along with it. <br />
<br />
That's why I think if you can really vent somewhere it will do you some good. It has helped me before. Just pretend your dad is right there and tell him everything you ever wanted to say. Let it all out. <br />
<br />
I hope this helps. I truly do. <br />
<br />
Best Wishes! Mel