I Really Can't Stand My Dil

My wonderful son met my future DIL after having his heart broken. I didn't like her  but kept quiet because he seemed happy. They have had a rocky relationship, broken up many times. Then she shows up pregnant. I offered to let them live with me since her father kicked her out. After I repainted in the color she requested and stored many of my things I was told she  wasn't sure if it was my sons child. I felt like I was on the Jerry Springer show.
She aborted the baby but they stayed engaged. I was mortified.  

Since there was no rush my son postponed the wedding  until he is finished with school.
She wanted to be married sooner. Surprise surprise she shows up pregnant again  Now the wedding is next month . My son is not ready to be married or support a wife. I have been helping with the wedding planning and 30 to 40% of the costs.  Bridezilla doesn't even come close to describing her. Even though I am being very helpful and kind to her she is nasty. She constantly complains about me to my son. He is frustrated.

She won't visit or have dinner with us unless it involves her wedding. She calls/texts  constantly  when my son is here asking when he is coming home.  She is always "too sick" from the pregnancy  to attend our events but manages to go to her family  or friends events.  It is actually nicer to have just my son visit but I feel sorry for him. He is embarrassed when she doesn't come.  

She only emails and the emails are curt and short. She won't call. I have asked her to call , my son has asked her to call but whe refuses.  She gives my son a very hard time and I am getting tired of her tantrums.  He never seems happy when they are together but returns to his happy personality whenever he is away form her. Her feels stuck because of the baby.

If I call she won't get on the phone even when it is to discuss something like the wedding flowers. I am paying for the flowers but she has been unbearable to work with.  Every suggestion I have she hates and she is rude about it. She really doesn't have  sense of style so it makes it even more difficult. She doesn't knwo what she wants just that she doesn't want anything I suggest.   I have never met anyone so rude and ungrateful.
I don't think she understands when someone gives you a gift you have to be gracious or pay for it yourself.

She rarely says thank you and never sends thank you notes. I gave her some family heirloom diamond jewelry and she never even said thank you. I was dumb founded. I have given her nice birthday gifts and things for the wedding she literally doesn't say  thank you.
After one family party 3 people came to me to ask why she was so rude to them. It's embarassing. My son has impeccable manners and treats others with respect this girl has neither.

I promised my son I would be nice to her but it is very trying to constantly be nice to such a contrary girl. I am also embarrassed by the way she dress's
sloppy and unkempt.  Her clothes are often wrinkled and fuzzy. She wears pajama pants as clothing. Her hair pulled into a pony tail, no make up even to nice dinners and events.  The worst part is she considers her family "better" than ours. My son even commented that she is condescending to him. 
She amde a comment about her family having "better blood" and how the baby is lucky to have her blood- ridiculous.  My husband and I are well educated and cultured. I don't know why she thinks she is better than us. We both come from large close nit decent families.
We finally met her father and his wife after numerous unanswered messages.  They were rude and made critical comments about the wedding which they are not paying for especially about the arrangements we are paying for, they think it's too nice.

I offered to care for the baby when it's born but my future DIL would rather the child go to a daycare because she is concerned the "baby will like me better."   I have an extensive background in education. I can't understand why she would not want the best possible environment  for the child instead of looking at her own selfish desires. She would rather have her child cared for by a stanger than have it cared for by me. My feelings are deeply hurt.  I worry about my poor grandchild and my poor son.  I would love to tell her exactly what I think of her but it would cause pain for my darling child. So I bite my lip and try to ignore her antics. I really wish my son had done a better job at picking a wife. I was hoping for a nice girl that wanted to be part of our family, instead she intends to keep my son from spending time with us. She is not close to her family and rarely sees any of them but on Christmas guess where she insists they go. My son hates it there because they don't talk to him but she still insits.   I'll be lucky if I ever get to see my grandchild. 

frustratedkim frustratedkim
46-50, F
6 Responses May 27, 2010

I wish I could say I don't relate, but I do! Sadintexas, I feel your pain and your words I could have written myself. So sad to see our kids make horrific decisions and the worst choice in a mate.

Our children make choices and we don't always agree. It's tough but our sons have to make their own mistakes. As much as we want to help, once they grow up they don't want our help. However, they should always honor their Mother and Father as we have spent years caring for them and loving them. <br />
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The MIL/DIL issue is delicate and challenging. I'm in the middle of a sad situation as well. I have to believe it will be resolved. As frustrated and sad as I am over my situation, please learn from my mistakes and bite your tongue. If you don't you could lose everything. <br />
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I feel for you, I've cried an ocean of tears and although I had an opinion, all it got me from kicked out of my son and grandchildren's lives. My new attitute is I have no opinion.

I know you must try hard to get a long with your DIL because of your grandchild . But you also don't need to become a doormat for her either. If she wants your respect then she needs to be told to show respect. After all you raised her husband. And you at least deserve to be tolerated to some extent. Good Luck and God bless

When is the baby due? Don't get all worked up about it. She may change when she has the baby. If your son is happy with her, then leave it be for now. You will have to stand back a bit and be better than the girls mum in order to see your grandchild. Thats life.

Well I understand your point about it taking two but my DIL is on the pill and refuses to use condoms.<br />
My son has a condition that makes conceiving a child difficult. I am pretty sure she just stopped taking her pill as soon as he postponed the wedding. His Dr said it is unlikely that it could have happened if she just missed the pill one or two times. She claims she never missed it. It is pointless for me to point out she is lying because it would just add problems to an already tense situation. The fact is there is a baby coming so I am pretending to like her. I don't even think she knows I can't stand her. Actually I don't think my son knows either which is why I am on this site venting. So I will be able to keep a relationship with my son and his child. She is 26 so she should have grown up a bit<br />
by now . Maybe having a baby will help. She has normally has a very low energy level so I am hoping she will need me to take the baby so she can sleep.

Oh no a baby, maybe it will help her grow up a bit. I feel for you, though have you talked to your son about 'his' form of contraception? It takes two. I have a son and talk to him about it all the time, when he was old enough and starting to date, I bought him a packet of condoms and gave him an STD booklet - told him to read it and practice safe sex and gave him the lecture on babies, child maintenance etc. <br />
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This will be your grandchild and you now have to be nice to her in order to see your son's child. I know that will be hard and I would never wish that on any grandparent.