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I Don't Hate My Daughter In Law But She Sure Pushes Me To It.

I find it hard to believe that there are so many woman complaining about their mother in laws, I know that some are bad and there are some that are terrible and out of control but the girls of this generation are very selfish and make the world all about them.  My mother in law was no saint and every word that came out of her mouth wasn't nice, but she did it to everyone, not just me.  I learned over the years to just keep my distance from my mother in law but I would have never, ever considered asking my husband to have nothing to do with her or the rest of the family.  All families are dysfunctional, some are just worse then others and no matter what these young girls think their families are no different.  In all the years I have been married I had a choice to deal with my mother in law and either go to see her or stay home, most times I let my husband go without me but he still went.

My daughter in law is a piece of work.  I admit that I haven't always done or said the right thing but she knows how to bring out the worst in me and bring me down to her level.  From the beginning I brought her into the family and treated her like my own daughter but I think because she never had a "real mother" (those were her words when I first met her, not mine) that she didn't know how to handle it and would just push me away.  I wasn't used to this, my family has always been close.  My children always shared everything with me, some things as a parent you don't really want to know but they told me because we were that close.  I am still close with my other children and they and their family don't have a problem with me.  Funny how my son has always known what I was like and that I tend to speak my mind when I shouldn't but I'm honest, maybe a fault but I won't apologize for it.  We have always given the kids advise, same as my parents did and their parents before them did.  All of a sudden with this girl, my advise is telling my son what to do.  I would have to guess her parents never had any advise to give.  I told her that I am sharing my "wisdom" as an adult who has lived in this world for a long time to help them in life, no one says you have to do as I advise, just listen. I never had a problem listening to my mother's, or my mother in laws words of wisdom, some of it helped me a lot.  I find it strange that after all these years my son now no longer likes my personality, he had no problems with it before she came around.  Also, I think if you don't want my advise then don't be asking for money, help moving, fixing cars etc.  If you want my help then that opens the door for me to give my advise, its written in the fine print of the parenthood contract.  You don't like it then go ask her parents for loans and help. 

I have made the mistake in the past to send emails to my son and his now wife, mostly I did it because they would never come to my house to talk and when we did finally talk a few times about the problems my son acted like he couldn't care one way or another and his wife was all agreeable that she was hurt and she would cry with me and next thing I know a few days later she was up to no good again and she was making waves again.  Amazing how they avoid having these conversations face to face.  Its fine, I don't care because I really at this point don't want to talk to either of them.  This girl can do and say what she wants to anyone that she can find to listen to her but she isn't the one that I miss.  I miss my son and not the one that she turned him into, I miss the one that he used to be before her.  It breaks my heart and I used to cry all the time and sometimes I still do when something reminds me of my son when he was a nice child/man but then I remember the person she turned him into.  About a month ago I finally came to the realization that the boy I used to know is no longer around, he died when she got her hooks into him.  I finally grieved for my lost son and I am learning to deal with my loss.  This person he has turned into I don't like, I will never be able to believe anything he says and I can never truly trust him ever again.  Its sad when a mother has lost her son but not to death but to an idiot that uses sex to make her man stupid.

This girl lives to make my life miserable and she tells anyone that will listen that I am at fault and I do all these terrible things to her and she takes things that I send in an email and changes words and uses them to her benefit just so that it makes me sound like an awful person.  I have never felt that I need to defend my actions for things I've said and done to her and my son because I know what is true and what is her lies.  I've considered getting therapy and having them come in too but I'm sure they wouldn't because a professional would figure out how lying and conveying the she-devil is, so I'm not going to waste my money on that.  I am glad that she likes drama so much that she can't seem to stop telling the world how terrible of a mother in law I am, it goes to show that she can't stop thinking about me.  I really wish she could meet a real monster-in-law, maybe then she would appreciate me but then again she doesn't appreciate anything or anyone because she thinks she deserves everything good.

I don't need them and their poor pity me stories in my life, I have other children and I have grandchildren I don't depend on my son to provide me with them.  I would prefer that they never have children because I don't think her evil ways need to be passed on to another generation.  But on the other hand I do want them to have children and then have their children get married and have daughter in laws that treat them like crap.

As I said I don't hate my daughter in law, she pushes me to but I don't.  Actually I feel sorry for her that she can't feel enough love to share with more people in her life.  She is so self-centered, selfish, the world revolves around me girl that she can't see outside her box and see what it's like to have a real family that could love her.  I'm sure I will still have days when something makes me think about the son I had and I miss, and I will cry, but I refuse to give into her delusions any longer and will no longer feed into her drama.  I have my family and I have my friends, I don't her in my life to make it complete. I would like to have my son but if it means she comes along with him then the answer is "no thanks, maybe another time".

I know that some of you have worse daughter in laws in your life and some of you are new to this kind of treatment from these girls and your sons but trust me when I say it does get better with time.

Here is a good quote to refer to:

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.” - Richard Bach
deleted deleted 26-30 14 Responses Feb 19, 2012

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First of all your son is responsible for his own thoughts, words, and actions- not his wife, your daughter in law. She does not make him do or think anything; he's his own person and able to make his own choices absent a third party. No, no one appreciates unsolicited advice; I know when I've been given it by my in laws it's been very critical and just to point out that I'm doing it wrong, aka "not their way". However, when the tables turn and I offer my advice or opinion they too about their lives, parenting, attitude, etc, get their feathers ruffled and their feelings hurt, but cannot fathom how what they have said to and about me made me feel the same way. There are such things as boundaries that all parties should respect and it would seem that you're not acting very mature and respectful (i.e. calling daughter in law "she devil") nor are you being very fair and accountable. This all sounds like a blame game in which your daughter in law is getting all of it. You need to accept your son is his own person, a grown up; that he is making different choices, has different feeling & expectations now that his life has shifted in major ways that call for evolving; your first mistake is not allowing your son to be whom he is now choosing to be and blaming daughter in law for it all.

I love your quote - it is very true. And, I think that counseling is a great idea for you and your son and daughter in law. From an outsider - here's what I hear you saying - you think that giving your unasked for advice is okay and they should just accept it. You think that all the changes and all the boundaries that are trying to be set by this young couple are your dil's doing and not your sons. I think that there are two sides to your story and you have some very valid points but you are losing ground with my support here on this one main issue - your advice should not be given. It is your children's lives to live and you should stay out - but out and let them make their own mistakes and have their own accomplishments. Just because your mil did it to you and you handled it differently (in your eyes) does not mean it is the right choice for your children. You son married and he married someone he loved - it is his life to live and he continues to make choices - those choices are his. Not hers but his. You don't want to hear that because it hurts you. But this is where your quote comes in. The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. You are telling yourself that you play no part in this situation - sadly there are at least three parts being plaid (your son, your dil's and yours). You all are making some mistakes - that I am certain of. But, to blame your dil is not fair. Yes, it appears that this is her work but really, you made the decision to continue to offer advice and hold your ground no matter what - because that's just who you are and what you feel like doing. Is that really fair?

Are you really willing to be this stubborn and to lose your son or a relationship with your son just because you have this need to give your advice?

What would it take for you to write and email that said - Dear DIl and son, I am sorry for offering advice that was not asked for. I am sorry for being so stubborn and even blaming things on dil that are clearly not her fault. I am not 100% innocent and I am not 100% at fault. But, I know that I love you both and would like to make things right. Can we talk and come up with a plan that will work for you guys?

Really, all they will do is ask to set limits on your involvement in their lives. And, then, isn't a relationship with boundaries better than no relationship at all?

I am a mother of three boys and a daughter in law as well - but I believe in my heart that stubbornness is the down fall of so many great people. And, if you are as wise as you say then you will truly understand the need for this young couple to be independent and to do things their way.

There's another quote that goes something like this " the wisest person is the person who knows when to say nothing at all".

Wow, I certainly wish these letters represented the extremes on both sides and hope most people are not so angry and hateful toward their in-laws! Unfortunately, conversations with many other mothers of adult sons and a few shocking confrontations with my own sons and their wives lead me to believe there is a big cultural shift going on, increasing the "generation gap" between parents and their children much wider and faster than current parents of adult children experienced. We truly don't understand each other and read each other according to our own perceptions without taking the other side's point of view into consideration. It's taken me several years of counseling to understand that.
I suspect it's a combination of feminism, technology, a shrinking world, the 24-hour news cycle, etc. Things are changing so fast that I sincerely believe we have different values, which is what is leading to all the anger and pain we feel for feeling misunderstood, disrespected and blamed. I wonder if the same thing happened during the Industrial Revolution when kids left the farms to work in the cities. We are kind of going through the same thing now.
Though I only had boys, I understand that it is natural for young couples to gravitate toward their maternal inlaws because most women run the home and will naturally model their home after their mother's home. Mothers of adult boys should look at their own histories and try to understand that without criticizing the way their DILs run their homes. However, DILs who are mothers should look at their own children and wonder how they would feel if those people for whom they have worked so hard and sacrificed so much one day turned their back on them. It's not jealousy or the need to control so much as pain from feeling rejected and not important to someone you love.
I grew up in a big extended family where I spent lots of time with uncles, aunts and cousins. When I married, we moved away so my kids didn't get to be as close to their aunts and uncles and cousins. When they planned their weddings, I couldn't understand why they didn't want to invite their extended families and they couldn't understand why we thought it necessary. When we got married, we only served cake and punch so "the more the merrier." When my kids got married, they wanted $50 a plate sit-down dinners so the guest list had to be limited. And the differences with expectations have continued since then.
When my parents gave me advice as a young adult, I understood they had my best interests at heart. If I didn't agree with them, I just smiled and either gave in if it didn't matter as much to me as it did to them, or did what I wanted anyway. If they hurt me, I tried to undersant and forgive them. When we tried to give advice, our sons and their wives took offense and accused us of disrespecting them and treating them like children. We were shocked they felt that way but have been working on understanding them, too. We recognize that they do not share our values of duty or the need to be polite. We often find them them self-centered, disrespectful and inconsiderate, but I can see why they might find us demanding with unrealistic expectations. I can understand why they consider themselves more honest, while my generation feels it more important to take someone else's feelings into account. We just have very different ways of thinking of things.
So my husband and I have learned to understand that we cannot assume anything and are only welcome in our children's lives when invited. It feels unnatural but the alternative is to have no relationship at all. What should or could have been is irrelevant, we have to deal with what is and go forward.
My sons are intelligent, hard working, self sufficient men who love their wives. My DILs are strong, intelligent women who are also excellent mothers. We obviously did some things right.
As much as I miss being more involved in their lives, if I had to choose between my sons having happy families of their own without us versus being dependent on us (emotionally or financially), I sincerely prefer the former, for their sakes. Because I love them and only have their best interests at heart, whether they ever understand that or not.

I know exactly how you feel. I am experiencing almost the identical situation in my life, only my son's life is more complicated. He has two children from a prior marriage, and three children from HER. My son is manipulated by her to a huge degree, and he can go ahead and be manipulated, but my grandchildren are too. I have to get through the lion at the gate to have a relationship with my grand-kids. I sat down one day and made a "coping strategies list" and a "boundaries" list. One of them was to pray for them every day. Another was to STOP BUYING THEM STUFF! This year, they each get $50/piece for Christmas, that's it! No more bailing them out financially, if they want to be independent, then act independent. Another one on my list was "Know that not everyone is going to like you, stay true to God." YOU take the responsibility to behave in appropriate ways, let go of trying to control everything, you are only responsible for your behavior, not theirs." Do not try to change them, or fix their lives. They need to learn their own mistakes, maybe at some point they will come around once they have grown up psychologically and spiritually. But do recognize SHE may never change, learn your own coping strategies and boundaries so you don't feel manipulated anymore, and learn to live with this situation. Someday your son will see who has been the bigger person all along (we hope).

Wow, I thought "Marie" from Everyone Loves Raymond was based of a ficticious character; but after reading this post I'm almost positive they based her character off you!

Cut the chord, let your son live his life as a grown married man. He's not a little boy anymore. Of course your son has changed, he's an adult now. He's married now. He now has SOMEONE else who is #1 in his life now.

Stop being so clingy, your son is married to your DIL not you. Your post seems as though your expecting/wanting your son to "play" your emotional soul mate or spose. Thats just icky.

Stop acting like a psycho xgirlfriend. Stop playing the victim, your far from innocent here.

Giving "advice" when its NOT WANTED OR ASKED FOR is rude, pushy and very over bearing.

you are out of your mind. i can see repeatedly from what you are posting why h wants nothing to do with you.

First off, people that claim to be honest to a fault, are mean, obnoxious and malicious ********. Honesty has nothing to do with it and you know it. Who cares if your family has always been close, your DIL is now creating a family with your son and she has a right to define that by her own terms not yours. When you are alone with your son, talk to him about how he %$& blanks his wife if you want, but you are causing trouble in his marriage and you know it. To see my point, just look at yourself and your motives and since you are "honest to a fault" it should be clear that you are coming from an ill intentioned place. Treat her like you would want your daughters treated by their MIL. Life is too short, go live your wn life and enjoy it instead of making this poor girls life miserable,

Oh my...I just can't believe how cut and dry everyone is on this post. I for one agree that the OP is very, very self centered. Gosh, where do I begin!<br />
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When a marriage happens - it is entered into by two people - not one, two and for better or worse which is usually intermittent. When issues occur between the dil and the mil to the point where one party feels it is best to distance themselves then that doesn't mean that the party who makes this decision is at fault for anything. It makes me sick to my stomach that all these mil's think that it is the dil that has changed their dear sweet little boys. OMG - I read some of the posts and the boys were at times pathetic...and enabled by mommy. So, when I see change - then that is a good thing. Maybe the change is that they grew up finally! But, no matter what, stop blaming the dil for whatever happens after the marriage. It is pathetic and ridiculous and disgusting. The OP even says that she distanced herself from her mil.. Guess what, here's what probably happened. She had a reason to distance herself (probably all the unsolicted advice that she now supports) but anyhow, she said she didn't stop DH from being a son to his mommy. Okay fine. I'll buy that. That's how I feel with my DH. But, the fact and the reality is that my DH isn't going to spend much time with his parents who have treated his wife and his children like crap. That is HIS decision - so grow up and face reality and stop blaming the dil.<br />
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Another fact that is posted by this lady is that she was the one to send the emails to bring up the problems - blah, blah blah. And she would NOT apologize and she would CONTINUE to give the unsolicited advice. They had to come to her house (pretty self centered and no matter what - cause we know she didn't admit to anything) the dil would go home and be back at causing trouble shortly thereafter.<br />
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To the OP - you are a perfect example of why the dil's don't have a chance. Your son has grown up, he's married and maybe will soon have a family. Why can't you respect that and leave them alone? Why can't you believe that you raised this man and now he's letting you know to knock it off. He finds you at fault and you can't handle that so you have to blame someone. <br />
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I'm not going to pass along a quote to you today but I do have a tidbit of trivia for you. Did you know that a child's personality is formed by the 1st grade? That's right - you made this man to be a person who can stand up for what he believes is right and he believes that you are not right and that you need to change - own that. That's what you raised so stop criticizing and respect your son's decisions - including the love for his wife.

Really, very strong downing this woman. Why is it bad, when a mother tries to address the conflict, by trying to talk about the problem? Why is that bringing up problems? When problems exist and must be worked out? The only way mature ppl do that is by talking!

If you don't try to address it you're accused of 'refusing to talk.' The only answer for these DILs is for the mil to jump off a cliff.

I am so glad I read you piece today because it both brought me comfort and made me realize that the young man I knew is gone... he has lived through so much. I am so sad, and I miss him so much and his easy laughter and the brilliant joy he was in our family. No one could ever fill that void in my heart but him.

i don't think so the boy is gone the man is still there. try and be patient we all have to grow up and make mistakes. Your son loves his wife and his mum too, you said he no longer likes your personality, that is present not past which should tell you something. This is all probably tearing him apart with all the fighting and he does live with his wife. It's probably less stressful for all if you take a step back, you are the older one and as hard as it is, be the bigger person and mean it .sincerely. It would break my heart too if i were in your shoes, but i would never give up on my son. i would just give it all a breather a chance for him to miss you,. you probably thin took i'm blaming it all on you i'm not, i'm speaking from experience. It's only my feelings you may feel differently. I really liked your quote

Well that's enlighening, it was nice to hear from a guy standing up for his mum. This does happen to mother inlaws speaking from experience Although i hope you were just venting because what you said was appalling you are truly scary. Honestly though i don't know what is wrong with young women today, they seem to think their mother's in laws are just no good and get so possesive towards their husbands and children. Believe it or not boys do love their mothers as well as you only differently. Because of that girls seem to want to get rid of you out of their lives i know this as it's happening to me in a very subtle way. For instance if i ask my son to help me let's say move a cupboard, my daughter in law makes it clear she's not happy and i should ask someone else, among other things but if her mother has a problem my son is the 1st person to be asked by her. It seems to be a sense of entitlement with young women. the mother in law is seen as some kind of threat wanting to take over. I'm a mother in law and my husband brought his mother to live with us without telling me, she wasn't that old and could fend for herself. I Was furious and acted like a baby till i realized that he didn't need his mum, but she needed somewhere to stay in between moving house( she stayed six months she also tried to run my house though) I also learnt alot of tolerance. Anyway there is no point in getting abusive as this only makes things alot worse maybe your daughter in law is treating you bad but alienating your son over it's like your asking him to make a choice and arguing with them will get you nowhere. There is no need to offer advice it's probably offensive to her because her and her husband should be discussing things together as a married couple. My mother in law used to share her pearls of wisdom too.She isn't your daughter and as much as you don't like it you shouldn't treat her as such, regardless of what she said about her mother she's not a puppy you can take in and treat as yours. Perhaps a less confronting and not so abrasive attitude is needed No offence but from what you have written i'd be very wary of you even though i'm sympathic also. i hope things are now a little better for you.

I like this reply and agree with most of it.

Sorry but i agree with Daughterinlaw8 your living your life through your son, and you need to let him go and live his life with his wife and family. Why is it mum's can never let their grown sons go and be men with the women they choose to marry? You raised him but now he has to live his life and i am sure you don't mean too, but it comes across as your interfering. Back off and i am sure given time they will be a PART of your life again..If you don't you will loose tem forever.

The reason it is so hard is that the wife's mother never lets her da. go...women don't do that. So wife's mom has both the daughter, son, and the grandchildren as she wishes.

The reason it all happens is because of immaturity and ridiculousness anyway, with a dil like this woman speaks of. I really have a problem with if parents want to see their daughter, that is all healthy and good, but if a mom wants to see her son, then she is living her life thru him? Nope, we just love our kids. We can't help that they were born male. So what? We just love them and still want to see them sometimes. That is healthy! All the ideas of what men are supposed to do, just blows me away. Really. And I grew up in a very male oriented household with lots of brothers and strong healthy parents. Yes, parents AND Moms, can still enjoy their sons, when their sons are married.

You are truly a selfish BI*CH, to say the least. You buried your son? Why? Because he followed the footsteps of the bible and LEFT HIS PARENTS TO BE WITH HIS WIFE TO CREATE HIS OWN FAMILY. What kind of mother says that about her son!! I'm glad you don't talk to them, and I hope they some day read this to see what kind of monster you are! This is absolutely horrible. Maybe if you weren't such a close minded person, you could see some good in somebody! This "girl" most likely isn't so bad, you just have serious jealousy issues and can't let go of the little boy you can't see past. You DO need to see a therapist and YOU DO need help seeing past this little baby boy that he is not anymore. Get some help...All of you. Your all jealous, and you all are just trying to cause problems between marriages. It makes me sick. Your son is in love. It's not your choice who he falls in love with, so get over it. You need to either learn to accept that, or your going to lose your son for good. And another thing you need to realize- it's not your job to dictate advise to your grown son, but it should be a parents job to help out financially when their newly married child is struggling. But your just pure evil....This posting makes me sick. Your really the selfish one, I feel so sorry for this girl, that she had to be brought into a family with a monster mother in law like you. No wonder she comes off acting the way she does, she probably doesn't know how to act near you-- and ba<x>sed off of everything you say, you are only JUDGING and making ASSUMPTIONS of her. Poor girl. I pity you, really I do.

You yourself are a selfish b*i*i*ch. What will u understand a mother's pain who's evil daughter in law has separated her from son. Whats the use of having children if they cant love and look after their parents in their old age. To hell with such sons who become blind slaves of their wives and leave their old parents alone as if they don't exist.

It's you stupid mothers that can't let go of their little boys. You make me sick, my mother has ruined my life just because I met a woman, fell in love and got married. I didn't break the law, I went to school and am a pharmacist. I have a beautiful wife and family and life is good............except from my mother. She can not accept I'm not a 5 year old babe in arms and makes my wife's life and my family life hell. Mothers like this should be locked up in mental hospitals, they are deluded!!!

You are being a bit harsh there aren't you? All she wants is a little respect and some attention. I can only hope that someday you realise that is all we mother in laws want..

I don´t think it is a good idea that MIL in law and DIL post in the same area. There is an area for DIL to vent about their MIL. So lets have more respect for each other and post in your area. This is not a fighting arena. So each one should vent in their area. Saughterinlaw8, please go to your area.

"...it's not your job to dictate advise to your grown son, but it should be a parents job to help out financially when their newly married child is struggling. .." Who's the selfish one, all you want to do is take with no give back. She made it very clear that her children come to her for advice and she gives it because she's learned from her own life's mistakes and successes... She also made it very clear that it's left to their discretion on wether they take the advice,,,Secondly, a grown son should not be looking to his parents for financial help....he should be providing for his own family....Lastly, you quote the bible; what a hypocrite! You better reread the ten commandments...You are the selfish one, you create imbalace by wanting to take and not give...Let's not forget the emotional blackmail..she can't see her grandchildren because you don't like her opinions.....YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS DISPICABLE!!!

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You are truly a selfish *****, to say the least. You buried your son? Why? Because he followed the footsteps of the bible and LEFT HIS PARENTS TO BE WITH HIS WIFE TO CREATE HIS OWN FAMILY. What kind of mother says that about her son!! I'm glad you don't talk to them, and I hope they some day read this to see what kind of monster you are! This is absolutely horrible. Maybe if you weren't such a close minded person, you could see some good in somebody! This "girl" most likely isn't so bad, you just have serious jealousy issues and can't let go of the little boy you can't see past. You DO need to see a therapist and YOU DO need help seeing past this little baby boy that he is not anymore. Get some help...All of you. Your all jealous, and you all are just trying to cause problems between marriages. It makes me sick. Your son is in love. It's not your choice who he falls in love with, so get over it. You need to either learn to accept that, or your going to lose your son for good. And another thing you need to realize- it's not your job to dictate advise to your grown son, but it should be a parents job to help out financially when their newly married child is struggling. But your just pure evil....This posting makes me sick. Your really the selfish one, I feel so sorry for this girl, that she had to be brought into a family with a monster mother in law like you. No wonder she comes off acting the way she does, she probably doesn't know how to act near you-- and ba<x>sed off of everything you say, you are only JUDGING and making ASSUMPTIONS of her. Poor girl. I pity you, really I do.

Maam, your story is really touching.<br />
Its sad your son does not understand his wife's evil game plan.<br />
My wife is also some what similar to your daughter-in-law. You can read stories posted by me.<br />
But my wife could not turn me away from my parents, because my heart was in the right place.<br />
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I am continuing my marriage in the hope that my wife's behaviour will improve someday (there has been a slight improvement).<br />
But sons should respect their parents and not be a mad slave of their evil minded, selfish and self-centred wives.

Very heartening to read this from a son. Thank you for posting.