I Think My Daughter Inlaw Has A Personality Disorder Or Something...something Just Isn't Right

I don’t hate my DIL, but there are so many things about her that seriously concerns me.  1) She’s a habitual liar. 2) She is very controlling and abusive towards my son 3) She spends money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need all the time 4) She negates her responsibilities to her own daughter, throwing them off on my son, my parents or myself.  5) She’s attention seeking 6) She has sabotaged every job my son has ever held 7) She makes public posts on facebook bashing my son, but never telling the whole story 8) She has a horrific temper 9) She’s lazy 10) Her moods are all over the place: One minute she is sweet and thoughtful, and the next she’s depressed or angry at the whole world.
Let me give a brief explanation of the 10 things that concern me about my DIL.  When she was pregnant with my grand-daughter she was super sweet, and I couldn’t have asked for a better woman to be my son’s wife or my grand-child’s mother.  However, shortly after the birth of their daughter, she didn’t’ seem to want to be alone with her own child.  She spent the first 3 months bouncing back and forth from my house to her mother’s house, and used the excuse that she was in so much pain from child-birth that she needed the help.  On the nights that my son would insist that they go home, she’d wake him up in the middle of the night saying someone tried to break in.  Of course my son would worry, and immediately drive her and the baby to either my house or her mother’s house for their safety.  I however, do not believe this lie.  I have to wonder why no one tried to break into their home for the weeks on end that no one was there, but the one time they decide to go home, someone tries to break into the house.  Then, on the nights that they stayed with me, I’d hear her screaming at my son to wake up and take care of the baby, always saying “it’s your turn”, but not once getting up to feed or take care of the baby herself.  One night she woke me up in tears stating my son had hit her.  I was furious, because I didn’t raise my son to hit a woman, and immediately jumped on him, but when the truth came out, it turns out she had punched him in his stomach to wake him up to care for the baby, and in reflex hit back, not knowing he was hitting his wife.  However, he didn’t hit her hard enough to leave a mark, but he sure had a bruise from where she hit him.  Finally, after several months of this, my son finally put his foot down and made her go to their home.  However, a week or so after they went home I stopped in for a visit to see my son answer the door with a huge swollen and black eye.  I asked him what happened, and he said his wife punched him because he laughed at her when she accidently ran into the cabinet door.  She to my shock and amazement actually repeated this story to me, but laughed it off.  From there, I’ve gotten phone calls from her prying mother trying to get me into the middle of their stupid spats, to which I always refuse.  I try to stay mutual, and respect their privacy.  However, every time there is an argument she posts horrible things on facebook to get sympathy from others who have no clue what is going on, and I sit back and read that garbage while remaining to keep my mouth shut, even when I’ve seen posts by single men making physical threats towards my son.  My son doesn’t see these posts, because she made him delete his account.  Additionally, every job my son has held she has in some way or another sabotaged it.  From calling him at work to tell him she needed to go to the ER (where there was nothing wrong with her) days, upon days in a row until he was fired for excessive absences, but ironically her illness is suddenly cured when he finally loses his job.  Recently, my son started a job working the 3rd shift at a company which was paying him pretty good money, however she claims someone broke into their house and broke all her things and my son’s things, but didn’t touch the baby’s things.  She claims she called the law, but no one was there to witness any of this.  My son immediately requested to be put on 1st shift, and asked if I could keep the baby for the night so that he can get rest (remember, he’s the one who cares for the baby during the night), and after he got home from bringing his daughter to me, his wife claims someone tried to break into their house during his absence, and though he fears leaving her alone, he knows that he needs to go to work.  However, she doesn’t want to “expose their child to this” and has asked if their daughter can stay with us for awhile.  It appears to me that she will do anything she can to keep from taking care of her daughter, and keep my son under her thumb by causing him to lose jobs over her factitious drama that she conjures up.  I’m completely at a loss as to what to say or do.  I worry about my son, because of the violence this woman has and continues to do to him, how controlling she is, and that she has no boundaries with her lies.  On top of that, she has asked my son to borrow a gun from his grand-father so that she can feel protected when he’s away at work.  However, with her mood swings and tendency to act out violently when she is angry, I don’t think this is a good idea.  I worry for my son’s safety.  Her own mother called me once concerned for my son, because she heard her hitting him in the middle of the night, and actually had to go in to the room they was sleeping in to say, “that’s enough!” I think she has a personality disorder or something, but not sure how to approach her to offer some kind of professional help without setting her off.  I would also like to add that she habitually lies about her own mother to me, then goes and lies to her mother about me.  We recently had a conversation where all this came up.  Her mother claims that her daughter has called her saying that I refused to keep their daughter, that I wouldn’t take care of my grand-daughter so that she could take a nap, and that I had promised to buy something for the baby, but told her that I changed my mind.  The truth, I have never once said I wouldn’t keep my grand-daughter, I love it when she’s here, but worry that her own mother doesn’t seem to enjoy having her around as much as I do.  Also,  the nap incident:  The time in question, she was going on about how her daughter had kept her up all night, and I actually offered to watch the baby and told her to go take a nap.  As for the thing I was promised to buy, she asked me if I could buy it for her, and I told her that I would, but it would be a few weeks when I got paid.  Her lies are so far from the truth, it amazes me.  How in the world does she come up with this stuff?  Her home has been broken into 4 times since the baby was born, all four times my son was dead asleep or wasn’t even there, nothing was ever stolen.  She claims she has Crohns disease after my sister inlaw nearly died from that condition, yet when she supposedly got this diagnosis my son wasn’t even in the room with her, and this diagnosis was made without any tests, images, etc being done.  She uses this condition to say she doesn’t feel good, so that my son will cook, clean, and care for the baby while she sleeps….or on the nights/days that my son is working she will pawn her child off on me (who works 40 hours a week in an office) or on my mother who has congestive heart failure.  I could go on and on…the stories are so off the wall, that I’m in total shock that people like this even exists in this world.   
concernednana concernednana
8 Responses Dec 7, 2012

In the past, our SIL would make up illnesses such as having Crohn's disease also. She would then move onto knee pain, neck pain, back pain and would go see the Chiropractor. Her bookshelf had fallen on top of her supposedly after she was told by her husband not to move it. The next day, she had a black eye, which she told us that stranger's had approached her thinking her husband was beating her. Whenever there is a family gathering, she flakes out saying she's got anxiety attack. She was suppose to catch a connected flight from Dallas, TX to California when she insisted her flight left without her so she made a complaint with the specific airline. Last Thanksgiving, she was suppose to meet us in the Coast only to blame her 2 yr old son of accidentally not shutting off his dvd player therefore the battery to her car ran out and how she was stranded at home. There's always something going on with our SIL, which I didn't know people as such existedeither. Our FIL wants to travel overseas between his wife and two adult son's, but refuses to take his other DIL and her 2 kids due to her personality disorder. My husband is willing to pay for my airfare except IF I go, our SIL will most likely throw a tantrum at 28 yrs old and somehow make herself the victim. To avoid this drama, as much as I want to travel overseas, I decided that I would stay here in the States, IF, my FIL decides one day he does want to take a trip. It's hard. Our MIL wanted to take us out to breakfast, which we agreed we would leave the house at 7 am. 8 am came, her other DIL still not awake. We waited till noon, still sleeping. Our MIL didn't want to leave without her other DIL afraid to hurt her feelings. My SIL of course wasn't sorry for her behavior. She didn't get up until 1 pm complaing of fake stomach aches (Chron's). In conclusion, there's always new going on with our SIL.

Sounds like my Sister in-law. Latest news? I was told by my husband that the phone call he received the other day was in fact his younger brother. I learned that our SIL thinks she has face cancer so she's been getting MRI scans. She even went as far as telling us when she was 12 or 13 yrs old her biological mother Emancipated her in the State of Louisiana. 12-13 yrs old cannot provide housing, full time job, own a car, .. just doesn't make sense. With fabricated stories, some family members continue to give sympathy.

I have a feeling your DIL is a very dangerous person. Can you speak seriously with your son about her behavior ? She seems having serious mental problems related to her pregnancy and the birth of her daughter.
My only advice, if you can : talk to your son, and take the baby away from her for a while.

She needs help. She probably had postpartum depression after having the baby. She is so lucky to have you in her life. Keep a journal of her behavior and discuss this with a professional. Good luck.

She seems really dangerous. Can your son look into it further?

Your daughterinlaw may need some psychiatric care. If all this is true, she sounds very unstable and actually it might be good that she doesn't stay alone with the baby yet / much. What does your son say about all of this? The break ins, the gun need, the hitting, the crones disease?

I think he needs to be the one to work this out with her - any chance that he sees this stuff like you do?

It does sound like she could possibly have PPD.

Regardless of the cause, your son is in an abusive situation and should leave, only returning if his wife is in counseling, medicated (if treatment is required), and changing. Your son could also benefit from counseling to figure out why he tolerates abuse.

How old is the baby? It sounds like she could possibly have PPD