Misunderstandings And Tension. Dil Seeking Mil Advice.

Okay, I know my MIL is not fond of me. Hate is a very strong word so I would like the think that she does not hate me. We are both two completely different people and I am still trying to get used to her personality but most of the time she assumes everything about me is disrespectful and rude. She tells other people in the family that I am rude and that I don't like her (which is not true because I wouldn't hate someone my husband loves).

I'm naturally a very quiet person and she gets offended that I am not more talkative so I have tried to talk to her more but unless other people are in the room she ignores me. She gets upset that I don't call more often and that I value my own family more but the truth is I love my family but we don't talk very much to each other either. I don't call them several times a week so I don't call her several times a week either. It's not that I don't want to talk to her that is just how I've always been.

Her son loves her but their relationship hasn't been as close since his father (her husband) passed away two years ago. My husbands sister said my MIL thinks I am pushing her away from her son. The truth is after his father died I encouraged my husband to see his mother because he was angry with her because she had a boyfriend three weeks after his father died. My husband still loves his mother but he has a hard time being around her because she started dating again so quickly (which is her business) and it hurt him. I have tried to get him to call and spend time with her more. This is probably one of the BIGGEST misunderstandings.

The last is I (like every DIL) have my own set of rules and ways of parenting my own children. I wouldn't mind her asking questions if they weren't about everything I do, why, and followed up with what she would do. I have been polite about this and never rude but she is hurt every time and I don't know how to say it without hurting her feelings.

My husband and I have explained these issues to her many times and told her that I do not dislike her (quite the opposite actually) but I still keep hearing how she blames me for everything from other inlaws and relatives.

There are a lot of MILs on this forum who have DIL issues so I would appreciate some advice from women who have been there. Thanks!
MrsAnonymous16 MrsAnonymous16
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Get off your high horse ungrateful she gave you her son show gratitude stupid woman

I know this is two years after your post but I have just recently joined this group. Since I have been on here I have read so many from MIL as well as DIL and just wanted to say that I would give anything to have a DIL like you or several others here. For the most part it seems like everyone is just trying to find some common ground, I think if both groups could stop turning everything and I do mean everything into a win at all cost competition there would probably be some wonderfully close friendships between so many DIL and MIL out there. But that's just my perspective.

Oh, honey, that fact that you care and you want things to be better makes me want to cry. I would give anything to have a DIL that wants things to be better, would want some breakthrough, some positive communication. I pray for it all the time for our family. I don't hate my DIL but I wish we could talk, could share some things, could grow closer in some way. After reading your story, I realized how little I know about my DIL. They moved to another state before I really got a chance to know her and now they live half way around the world in Turkey. She never wants to talk to me on the phone but gossips like crazy about me behind my back. I sincerely wish she would talk to me. I wish we could enjoy some time alone to work things out but when they are in the States, their visit is a whirlwind of activity that does not include any time for any activity that might heal the riff between us. She is very influential of my son and makes sure I see little and sometimes none of him. It's a different story for her family. I try to be understanding and accepting but I do feel unfairly treated and hurt. Such is my current situation so I have no answers there.

However, I have my own MIL story. She didn't like me. I was too outspoken and not good enough for her son no matter what I did. However, I made a decision about 5 years into our marriage....I decided I was going to love my MIL and treat her in loving ways regardless of how she treated me. I had to pray a lot of resentment away to do this. There's something called the resentment prayer where you pray: "God bless her, bless her and keep, give her health, happiness and prosperity. Give her all good things!" My prayer started out initially as , "God bless that *****.." but the tone of my prayers and my heart softened after a few days. I made a point to bring the grand kids over regularly, included her in holidays with my mom (both women were alone), never forgot them on special days, etc. One day, the woman actually came up to me and hugged me. Still, she told me off when my ex- left me but in the end, I had no regrets because I had tried to love her.

I saw her a couple of months ago and she paid for dinner and even hugged me and kissed me. Then, I heard she died a couple of weeks ago. She was found dead in her home and had been laying there a week or two before someone found her. I felt so sad for her. Her family wasn't interested in maintaining a relationship with me after the divorce and neither was my MIL despite my attempts to try. I saw her only for those occasions that throw divorced families together. I did not feel comfortable about going to the funeral but I am finding myself mourning her despite everything. I guess I really did learn to love her though it was not returned in kind.

I hope things can work out for you, hon. Being willing to be open, honest and loving, is a great first step. God bless you on this journey. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

This is so me. My family and I are very close, and we love one another. But we don't say it unless something rattles everybody, we don't hug or give kisses. As a child I was hugged and kiss but as myself and my brother became adults the kisses, and be carefuls, don't stay out too lates, all stopped. My mother and I are shy, I'd like to think I'm more out going in that I can go to the mall alone, or show up at a party by myself whereas she can't leave the house sometimes and is afraid of the phone. I'm certainly reserved and polite, and have a warm calm I'd like to think I get from my mother. My MIL and loud, crass, and spontaneous. She'll hang out at the dining table in her underwear, and make sex jokes not only around me but about me and towards me. Jokes loudly about myself and her son's sexual relationship and really says things that make me cringe so badly I want to leave that second. But I know we're all different people and I know I need to be me. If I don't like something I need to damn well let someone know. We're not children right? Anyway, she cries and sobs, and rolls her eyes and is convinced I dont like her because I don't like hugs and don't say I love you when she yells I love you. Because, frankly I don't love her. She's the mother of my husband so I'll accept her. But she doesn't know this. She also does the backseat mothering thing which enrages me. Especially when she "accidentally" refers to herself as my daughter mommy. Any way, there's no reason for her to think I hate her or her family. (even though I totally don't like them) but my quiet demeanor must be interpreted as a judgemental demeanor. Quiet isn't polite, it's contemplative. Any way she used to threathen her kids if they didn't love her, and my FIL is over bearing and over eager and calls my one year old daughter sexy. It's nightmare and I'm definitely from a different world than they are.

My MIL does the crass jokes things too. I'm like you - quiet and private. I don't talk about my sex life... especially with his mother. My hubby bought me an apron I'd been eyeing for a few weeks and she turned it into a sexual thing. I haven't worn the apron since. She is sick. :(