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Controlling Daughter In Law

My DIL is selfish and entitled and has changed my sons relationship with me. I have limited contact with my grandson because they live a distance away. In the 10 yrs that I know her, she does not look directly at me when I talk to her and has never called me by my name or any name. She treats strangers on a more personal level . My son say she really does likes me and that she acts like this because thats her personality. Her body language says it all.
I saw the writing on the wall years ago before they had children. I observed the interraction she had with her own paternal grandmother. Her mother and her treated this elderly woman horribly by limited conversation and interraction during family get to gethers. My DIL said that her grandmother was never there for them and was self absorbed but I dont think that was the case . I think there was jealousy between my DILs mother and her paternal grandmother because of the relationship she had with my DILs father. I feel that both my DILs mother and my DIL have set up this senerio with me to continue the drama. Im not even invited to her mothers family get to gethers any more and I dont know why. Her mother watches my grandson daily and It appears to me she wants him out of my life. My son and DIL depend on her for baby sitting. I only got to babysit once. My grandson is 18 months and when I try to hold him my DIL clutches him to her chest. No wonder he is fearful to come to me. He senses her dislike for me.
I have always went out of my way to be nice to her. It seems I cant reason with my son any longer and that the once close relationship I had with him is gone.
Im not an overbearing MIL I call infrequently and do not place any demands on my son. I live a full active life but miss having a closer relationship with my son and his family. I just dont know how to make it better can someone give me advice
Buffy2050 Buffy2050 56-60, F 15 Responses Mar 28, 2013

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I have social anxiety and don't look people in the eye when I talk to them or use their first name. I also don't have a relationship with my paternal grandmother because her psychologically abusive behavior has contributed to my debilitating anxiety. You seem like a very judgemental person. Not everything is about you.

What we do to others we have already done to ourselves. One day your DIL will experience the same treatment that she dishes out. It is called k-a-r-m-a. It is a phenomena that touches "all". It is a phenomena that is never late. It is a phenomena that knows exactly how to exact overall justice.

No need to wait for the results. Live your full life as well as treasure what LOVE your son does throw you way.

Unfortunately, this is one of those areas in your life that you cannot control or change. Change will come, but now directly thru you.

Peace and Blessings.

I feel you. Honesty do - and I shed my own tears at night..before going to sleep. I am in our age range and similar circumstance - and all I can say encourage you - is keep reaching for support. Although this is terribly challenging, it can one day be very rewarding. They may not change, but there is always the hope that simple growing up will shed some new light.

I need some too. I really think it has more to do with insecure women on the wives part than anything else. I have a situation that is somewhat worse than yours. I really think the son sets the tone. When they allow this type of thing to go on it causes a lot of problems. You and I can not win for losing. The son needs to stand up and protect the relationship with his mother. We will be dead one day and you only get one. will his wife be there for him always? W
ho knows.

very true....I tell my son only have one mother and I have been with you for 24 years and she has been with you for 2 years...but he would throw me away to keep her.....I am heartbroken

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Hi Buffy,

I had wanted to respond to your post before but couldn't figure out my log in info. :).

But, I read your post and personally think that you are a truly good example of what happens in a mil/dil relationship. Or, at least how I perceive that my own mil thinks/talks about me. The old saying about seeing the glass half full or half empty depending on your personality - seems to fit here. Your DIl is (in my opinion) seen by you as half empty. What I mean is this:

You make a lot of assumptions about her. Even, when she shares with you how she truly feels and opens up to you, you don't seem to believe her and come up with your own conclusions. The idea that she and her mom treat her gmil badly when she has personally confided with you that she feels the gmil treated them badly.

Everyone in life has their own personality, their own traits, their own opinions and their own feelings. When you make a friend and keep that friend, it is because you feel comfortable with them and you definitely do not feel judged. A friend will support you when needed because they know that no matter how they would handle something and/or no matter what they might feel about something they know that their friend needs comfort and support based on the way they feel and based on the way they think. It's a two way street. They give that comfort when needed and they receive that comfort when needed.

Here, your dil does seem to open up to you but you use that information to judge her. You actually keep track of how she talks to others and that she doesn't call you by your name. You sit in observance of her and then pass judgment on her and her mom. You make conclusions about her mother being jealous, about her mother wanting to exclude you from the grandchild's life, about your dil trying to keep him from loving you etc.

It almost seems (from an outsider's perspective) that you are very insecure about yourself in general. The advice I offer you is this: If you want to have that closer relationship then stop worrying about all this other stuff. Whether it is true or not, nothing will change by the worry. Instead, when your dil doesn't interact with you, go to her and try talking to her. Bring up some things you are interested in that you think she might be interested in. Talk to her about maybe helping out sometime and babysitting. Talk to her about how she is doing? What's going on in her life. Engage her in conversation and also give her time. It may take a while for her to feel that she can open up to you. But, when she does, do not judge her. Take her words at face value and show empathy and support.

I really wish DIL would not comment on this site....go to the DIL site

<p>I have read this and read all the responses. Presently going through a "breakup" with my son's family due to the DIL. It is reassuring to see that I am not the only one that has a DIL that basically has kicked her own mother, her previous MIL and now me out of her life. And with that, not allowing me to see my grandkids, and making it hard for my son to have relationship with me. It is extremely painful. I have tried hard for 3 years to have a relationship with her because she is my son's wife and grandchilds mom, but she and I don't have any basic core value's. She is all about herself. What ever pleases her, everyone has to live with! Not someone I would ever have a relationship with outside of her being the person my son married. Just don't see any caring and sharing going from her to him. Wish I wouldn't of moved so close to them, it would have been better to not know who she really is. Basically, I am heartbroken.</p>

Oh me too same exact situation....only I am living with my son and the evil DIL to be is staying with us for the summer and making my life a living the point I almost killed myself.....don't worry I didn't.....but I don't know how much longer I can take the abuse

My DIL has not come to our house in months, I'm good with that. In the last six months, I've only been to their house once, for about 2 hours. I'm good with that. She complains about in-law issues, but, to be fair, the only issues they've had have come from HER parents, not us - as they do far more things with her family. Removing ourselves from each other and keeping things civil has worked well. I just tell my son that we're here, we'll support them, we'll help them and go from there. We tried to get along, but hubby and I are just tired of the drama.

Hi Buffy,
My mom's MIL treated her terribley, and I witnessed it many times growing up. I saw how much it really hurt my mom, and when I became a DIL and my MIL and I didn't jive, I was hyper aware of every criticism, however small. I didnt want to go through what my mom went through, and for awhile I was extremely resistant to my MIL, because I felt like she didn't like me. Truth be told, she didnt, at first. We decided to go to family counciling, and now we have a great relationship.
You havent been in your DIL's life long enough to know what her family dynamics are like, so for the time being it may be best to accept what she says about her family as the truth, because she has had far more time with them than you have.
As for the child, for awhile it may help if you were to ask her every time you want to hold him, or interact with him. She may want your recognition that she is that child's mother, and doing that will help her feel like you respect that.
Your DIL may want a good relationship with you, and you with her. Think of ways you can show her that you want to have a good relationship with her. When you show her respect over a prolonged period of time, she may change her mind about you.

This is such a hopeful response.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am a DIL. Do I love my Mil? No. Do I like her? Very rarely. She can be rude, intrusive, demeaning at times, overbearing...BUT....instead of looking at it as a ******* contest, I truly believe this is just her personality. She is a strong woman. She wore/wears the pants in the family. What I don't understand about DILs are how they can cut off relationships with the grandchildren. As much as my mil may drive me crazy, I know she loves my children with every fiber of her being. THAT is what makes me swallow my pride. Never in a million years would I cut off a relationship with her for my own selfish reasons. I will smile and nod until the day she's gone, just so their relationship can flourish. I hope for your sake, one day maybe maturity will set in for her, and she can realize this. If not - pray that one day maybe you can reach out to your grandchildren more once they are older and less under her control. My best wishes to you.

I love how the MIL automatically 1) calls the DIL every nasty name in the book or 2) blames the DIL for the "change" in the relationship between the MIL/son.

It cant possibly be that your son is now a grown married man, in a new stage of his life with diffrent priorities. For some grown adults having the same close (overly enmeshed) relationship they used to have with their parents isnt (God forbid) their top priority in life.

*IF* your son is no longer interested in having the enmeshed relationship your pushing for perhaps you should ask yourself "why?" Most married men I know arent into being BFF's with their Mommies these days.

Yes, they are grown men, but any one (mother, father, aunt, uncle, or friend) does not like to see their son, nephew or friend) treated poorly. My DIL won't even let my son drive the car (no he doesn't drink and he is a great driver with the record to show it, she is controlling and this is just one small example). Yes, he could tell her he is "going to drive" but then he will suffer her "attitude" for too long. Someday he will see the light or maybe just live that life?? Not for me to decide, but I will not approve.

Totally agree with you here.

I agree blackdayinourlives. has to have total control. Only her side counts. I must say in my 60 years she has taken the cake. My grandchildren that we can't even take out to eat breaks my heart. She is mad at someone every week, loses friends and jobs. My son is not even allowed to call me. They spend every dime they get and then when we don't bail them out we are out for weeks or month. Plain evil!.

I have two of the wicked witches (DILs) and I can assure you SatansEvilDIL if these wives cared at all about their husbands they would have more respect for them than they do. Anyone who would pull their husband away from his family is selfish and controlling.

No kidding. Living thru it now! Agree with you.

THAT IS TOO BAD ISN't it...maybe if more men were BFFs with their mommies the world would be a better place.....

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I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems your DIL is shallow, insecure, and jealous. Those are her failures and I don't see what you can do about that. Harden your heart, I guess, and hope she will grow up.

Serenity 100. How big of a stink did you make about the seat. Take a long hard look at your behavoir. Were you trying to cause problems because you felt you were no longer the main women in your sons life? and you are passive aggressivley making DIL the scapegoat. I belive that is what the problem is. stop playing the stubborn victim and make peace.

Yes, unconditional love might work, but from my experience too many times of being put in the "back seat" is a big sign of disrespect and you are not playing the victim, you are the victim..all you can do for now is "move away emotionally" and live your own life and maybe your son will fiqure it out someday and come visit.

I agree. This site taught me so much about one of my DILs, just by other DILs responses. The only DILs to respond to this thread were venomous, condescending, and unable to address the mil as a human being. This MIL is heartbroken, injured, she needed consoling. It's a difficult transition in one's family. It's hard under the best circumstances, but it's impossible when met with a DIL that is rude, selfish, and controlling. That's hard on a parent. Our children may have been born to separate from us, but we were made to keep them in our sights and love them. That doesn't change, because a stranger now insists her love is more important than ours ever was. These men are our children, even if they are grown, we don't magically stop loving them. Get over yourselves, wicked DILs. If tearing apart a family isn't selfish, I don't know what is.

So is trying to tear apart a marriage....Junnifer, I think everyone comes to the table with different experiences and expectations. I don't know fully what happened with you and your daughter in law, but I think that unless there is communications and good healthy boundaries on all sides, there will always be conflict. Also, there is a maturity issue. Am I the same person I was twenty years ago? Nope. I had to live and grow. The point I am trying to make is sometimes, you have to wait for people to grow up. You also have to release expectations of how things should be. If you complain, nag, and push-you may not get what you want because it will complicate things further. Let go....

The one thing that I keep thinking is how my DILs have sons now and they will get to the point of being a MIL one day. Hope I'm still around to see how that goes. I think Karma may come into play here.

Sorry, but you sound like a vindictive and spiteful individual. That may be why your DIL doesn't want much to do with you to begin with. Waiting around for Karma to slap her instead of getting your OWN life. Yep, you sound like a real peach....

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I think it is you that is jealous and your daughter inlaw senses your passive-aggressive. behavour. Your son has a wife and child now that becomes his priority. Please let the man leave and cleave.

I feel for you! My son got married 6 months ago and the problems started right away, as soon as she got him. I was mistreated at the wedding (seated n the back at the reception and omitted from official photographs!) though my son and I have always been very close and I was good to her as well, even having an engagement party for them. Now they dont speak to me, apparently because I dared to feel bad about where I was seated. I've seen professionals (social workers and psychs) to get advice. They feel she has mental issues and is insanely jealous of my sons relationship with me. I'm told that there's nothing I can do until hopefully he comes to his senses. it's horrifying and I picture one day with grandkids getting pushed aside like you. I could see at the wedding that her mother was part of the problem..jealous is a dangerous trait and we are victims. Although devastated, I'm told to ignore them and let them come to me. I guess I could be waiting a long time. The social worker told me "Face who your son is" - weak and selfish, I guess. Was looking forward to having a DIL but got a monster instead...well, at least I know now and changed the will. Information is power would hate to have found out when I was 80 and my son was my executor and power of attorney, those days are done...enjoy your life and let your son show who he is - good or bad! good luck!

You have a good attitude about a bad situation. These men go along to get along. They are weak, and they avoid confrontation. In fairness, these monster DILs are relentless and everything is an argument. They want their way, and their husbands are no match to the special kind of hell these controlling women put them through. It's as if you're mourning the loss of your son, it hurts the same, but with a special pang of hurt for the rejection. Some day, these jealous, controlling women will feel the same thing. Too bad they lack the empathy gene necessary to understand the pain their selfishness causes. Rest assured, no one so insecure is truly happy. Best luck to you.

Face it, DILs can be selfish, manipulative, and down right cruel. It's not your fault, and your poor son is at the mercy of her whims.

You said it!!..My son didn't "see her coming"..Now she has had his baby and got him hooked..I am so sad. He is so kind and loving and she just "bites" at him everyday with put downs,etc. He works hard and supports the family and bends to her every whim..Ugh..had to witness..and I can't anymore.

It's his life he has to work through. Your pain is real, but there is nothing you can do to alleviate it, buy guard yourself and try not to take it to heart.

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