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At Wits End With My Dil

I don't hate my daughter in law but I'm coming close. Mothers of sons are penalized by DIL's - they are not allowed to watch their grandchildren be born and are never as good as HER parents or never do anything as well as HER parents. HER parents come first. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE THESE ISSUES?

I don't live near them, however, I do a fabulous job in visiting and attending events that the grandchildren have such as dance recitals, sports, holidays, etc. I go with the flow and frequently spend my visits running around from activity to activity.

I have been deeply hurt by actions and comments of my DIL. I have kept quiet so as not to cause additional arguments with my son. She is rigid, always right and doesn't support our son emotionally. He is not perfect but he tries really hard and nothing is ever enough as it isn't with me either. No matter how much is done it is not appreciated.

I can't understand her actions - I have done nothing to deserve her attitude - it's always all about her and how much she does. The children are over stimulated in that they have TOO many activities causing running around and stress. She is resentful if our son is traveling for his job and cannot shuffle the children to and fro. It's ridiculous.

I have gotten into numerous arguments with my husband over this - I hate for him to be correct in that it's all a big, nasty game to her. I keep trying and keep getting hurt - he offers no support because he thinks I should speak my mind. I only keep at it for the grandchildren and my son but it's getting way too difficult.

Any advice??? Thanks

 

 

JuicyGirl JuicyGirl 56-60 78 Responses Dec 8, 2008

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Anyone ever wonder why Son-in-laws and Father-in-laws never seem to have these issues?

Omg you sound like an absolute nightmare of a MIL. The bitchiness from your ramt is apparent. Get a life of your own and leave them to it. Stop being so bloody judgemental!!!

Strawberrylip sounds like she might be my DIL! WOW! I would think this was def her but then I read how old she is lol!

I find it interesting that so many DIL's are responding and placing all of the blame on the MIL. Being in a very similar situation I want to say that this is not about being in the delivery room or not. It is about how every single holiday, special occasion, weekend, dinner whatever is always about the DIL's family. We are just an afterthought and as for the comments regarding how the DIL's family treats them better etc. etc well of course they do! what do they have to complain about every holiday or special occasion always includes them. They are not the ones who have to 'schedule" and then be told to have Thanksgiving on the Sunday after so their child can spend it with "her" family, they are not expected to celebrate all birthdays including their own at the convenience of their DIL. I really would like to understand how and why it is always ok for us to change our plans and dates and how am I supposed to feel like I matter when everything I plan, especially for a holiday occasion must not disrupt "her" families plans.

Have you tried getting to know your DIL on a one on one basis? She may sense that you only want to see her to see the grandkids and that could be why she pushes you out if you haven't invested time in her aside from your son and grandkids.

this is none of your business. If she wants them in activites, that is good! Children who are involved in more activities are well adjusted and less likely to engage in risky behaviors in the teen years. Leave her alone.

@Husbandandwife4life: preach it Girl! I think you hit this dead on. I'm not saying every MIL is like this. In fact, my mother in law is absolutely amazing, it's my husband's step mother that isn't my cup of tea. My husband had no relationship with his father because of his step mother, and none of them even came to our wedding!!! They don't care how badly this hurt my husband. They said when we have children, they will "consider letting me be apart of their family" but until then, I get the worst treatment! Some people are nuts, it's that simple.

To all the mother in laws-
Was your mother in law in the birthing room with you?
Would you like your mother in law telling you how to raise your sons?
would you like living with your in laws?
I'm so sure you wouldn't!
You women think that you are the only ones with maternal instincts.
Sorry to break it to you but we have it too now so BACKKK OFF OUR CUBSSSS!
And as far as your son goes if you raised a real man he would do everything in his power to provide for his wife and kids and focus on his new family and pleasing them.
As for our mothers...well my mother doesn't feel like my husband is a threat to our relationship.as for you your just jealous there's a woman he loves more.
Get over it. If our husbands wanted to see you they would. What do you really think we lock the windows and hide the keys? You are crazy.

Actually many DIL's are jealous of their MIL's bond with their son if you want to know the truth. Many DIL's feel compelled to show the MIL that they're in control and their husband better show their alliance to them. I see so many DIL's villanize their MIL's. If they were truly respecting their husband and his desire for you to get along with his family, they would do everything in their power to get along with them. You rationalize your open hatred for MIL's all the while your husband is perhaps silently resenting it. You are also setting an example for your children in showing them that you accept and promote family conflict.

I don't really believe this is true either it truly depends on family situations. When I met my husband his story was he moved to Florida away from his mother just a few months after graduation, he helped care for his ailing grandmother and when she passed his mother was infuriated that he would not move back up north where she was at, he liked the Florida weather and decided to live with his aunt. We met, got engaged a year later and his mother began to make more frequent visits, I always had my suspicions that she didn't like me, but figured until she made it clear she didn't I'd ignore that instinct as I got along with everyone fabulously and the reason I suspected is she made faces when she'd hear about details of our life and disagree with some of what she heard. However all came erupting after I shared something on facebook about my husband not coping well after his accident and we were going to explore possibly getting him into counseling to help him cope. I posted with my husband telling me to go ahead and share it, his mother didn't like this and instead of talking to me she ranted I was exploiting and manipulating him and began to insult me, I repeatedly told her I would not engage in hateful words and when she was ready to talk to me without being insulting I would talk to her then. My husband saw her outburst at me as being jealous, I definitely don't like being in this position because no matter who it is that explodes you are leaving him with a choice to choose and it's not what I wanted for my husband to do, I really have tried to get along with her and since I know she holds grudges I don't want to be around her, thank god she lives out of state, but now my husband refuses to call her and says the ball is in her court, that it is up to her. Even worse yet she never called him after realizing he isn't coping well after his accident, he told me growing up both parents told him boys are tough and don't cry so I think this is real problem is I support my husband emotionally. I've never had reason to feel jealous of her, but i do think it goes both ways.

Absolutely on target, penelope. You go girl!!!

I hope you have some sons. Karma is a b***h. Son in laws think it is normal for a daughter and her mom to have a close relationship. They don't get jealous and put her under a microscope to exagerate any perceived slight and hold onto it for dear life to try to get a daughter to distance her own mom. They realize that if everyone is just a little more easy going everyone will be happy and there will be peace. Men like peace. They end up distancing their mom's to keep the peace with you cause you stir up the chaos over nothing.

Yes! You are spot on, MizSophia!

I thought that was hilariously eloquent, Husbandandwife4life, but then, I\'m not a MIL. Frankly, I\'m only reading these because I\'m the sister of a Mama\'s boy. This might come as no consolation, but I suspect you online MILs and DILs have more in common with eachother than you realize. You\'re just similar well meaning women dealing with jerks at different stages in your lives. I say this because I know that deep down my mother knows she\'s the problem, so I doubt she\'d complain on some online forum.

She actually does want my brother to grow up. That\'s why she pushed him to get married. She just doesn\'t want the pressure to come from her, so she dumps all of the responsibility for that on his \"shrew\" wife. I know this because being the shrew who forced my brother to grow up used to be my responsibility until I quit. I finally decided to treat him like some spoiled neighbor kid who had a completely different set of parents. No matter how much Mom bragged to me about how she was coddling him, and no matter how unfair it was to me, I just ignored her and stopped taking the bait. I was immune to jealousy, though the disparate treatment had grown absurd. She could no longer forward e-mails from me to him, or complain to him that she had to make him get a job because I had complained about how unfairly she treated us. Sure, she could lie to him about what I\'d said, but it was easier to push him to get married so his wife could nag him. So that\'s what Mom did.

She does want him to eventually learn responsibility, just not from her. That way, she will always have one child who thinks she is gold to make up for the other one, who is sick of her. She now treats her DIL poorly to get the DIL to force her son to cut the apron strings. That\'s honestly her goal, but she pretends it isn\'t, to get her DIL to do the dirty work. I can\'t even help my SIL out because, if I tell her what\'s up, she\'ll probably just divorce my brother and he\'ll never grow up. The only thing I\'m grateful to my mother for is that she treats her DIL just as poorly as she treats her daughter. It\'s nice to finally have a friend in the family.

Now this actually could be my DIL! Typical hateful Narcissistic person!

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It sounds like you have big issues.
I'm wondering why you think that you have any right to be in the delivery room?
The birth of their child does not involve you- as the grandparent you are able to be part of the child's life after birth (that is if you don't hurt the relationship between you and your DIL by pursuing these silly demands).
I understand that you only have son(s), but that does not mean that your DIL should let you be in the room during this intimate moment.
Why are you trying to ruin this day for your son and DIL. They are starting a new family- you are now extended family- their immediate family does not involve you- why wont you let them have this very important moment in their lives?
I'm sure she isn't as bad as you are making it out to be. It sounds like you are having issues letting your son go and start his own family. Maybe that's something that you should work on. You should also work on being friends with her instead of going on message boards and complaining about her- or complaining about her to your husband and son. These things really aren't going to help your relationship with her and will in turn prevent you from seeing your grandchild as much as you would like to.
As far as her wanting her own mother in the delivery room... your son is not the one giving birth to the baby. Especially if it is her first baby, she is probably very nervous and unsure- having her mother there will not only give your son a break, but it will put her at ease which in turn will contribute to the well-being of your grandchild. Stop taking this personally and recognize that although you are her husband's mother, you are a virtual stranger to her. She probably has girlfriends that she's known longer that she wouldn't feel comfortable having in the room with her during this intimate and nerve-wracking moment.
Not supporting your son emotionally... really? Are you living in the house with them to observe this? She is probably so anxious when you come to visit (she knows that you think she isn't good enough for your son) that some of the stress is taken out on him. This is unfortunate, but it's just how it is. The best thing that you can do for your son is to be more accommodating. You are a visitor in their house- you should not be telling her how to run things.
Hopefully this helps.
Maybe a bit harsh- and you will probably respond defensively, but in reality the only person you are hurting is your son and the relationships that you really care about (your son and grandchild) will be the ones that suffer.
I would think before you become confrontational and simply work on the relationship between you and your DIL.

I have to agree with this comment. My MIL was incredibly hurt when I told her my mom would be in the delivery room with me. We're not even pregnant yet, but she was in tears! Yes, I do deeply struggle with my MIL, but it wasn't a personal shot. My husband will be there and my mom. They both know me very well, they understand how I need to be encouraged. I'm a deeply private and modest person and really don't want my MIL in the room because it would make me so uncomfortable being so exposed.

Perhaps another perspective is required here. I think most MILs understand that a woman about to give birth may not be comfortable with their MIL in the room (I know that I wouldn't have been had that been apropos when I gave birth). Try to keep in mind, however, that women who are grandmothers still feel the same way about their grandchildren, whether the grandchild is from a son or from a daughter. The joy and wonder at experiencing the birth of that grandchild is nothing short of a miracle; a miracle that mothers of sons generally miss out on. Can you find some empathy, compassion, and understanding for your MIL's disappointment that she, too, was not able to share in that very special moment, even if the reason she was not able to share makes perfect sense? Have you tried giving her a hug, telling her how disappointing you know it must be for her to not be included, and reassuring her that beyond the birth she will be as important in her grandchild's life as your own mother? None of us can ensure, nor is responsible for ensuring, another person's happiness (even your MIL's). I little reassurance, empathy, and kindness, however can go a long way to maintaining good family relationships, even when someone must be disappointed. I hope you will give this some serious thought.

At least you didn't take offense to her upset. I don't know why someone would take it personally. Yes, she is missing out, and her feelings on that are valid, but so are yours. It's unfortunate for her that she won't experience the birth of her grandchild, if that's what she really wants, but if you are uncomfortable, so be it. I think in the middle of labor, I didn't even know who was there or not haha but to each their own experience.

"A son is a son, until he finds a wife" or something like that! When my children got married, I knew I had to let go! They are not my responsibility anymore or so i thought!! I will always love them but I am not one them MIL who just drops in at their house for no reason! BUT my daughter in law thinks she can ask for anything whenever she wishes but don't get involved in my life kinda thing! Well, let me tell you something,honey! you don't want your in laws involved in your lives? Don't ask for favors! Don't asked me for money to pay your home taxes, don't asked me to pick up the children from school everyday! Don't asked to keep them on weekends when you want to get away for a little fun! You' used me but I know you well now and you are not playing that game with me because you blackmail me with the children! I rather suffer than give in to your in matured games! Some man up there need to grow some you know what! specially my son!

That little poem must've been written by a controlling dil. Family is always.

Actually, it's from the bible.

She's just insecure and will find fault with whatever you do or don't do. Try not to best yourself up. It's her failure, not yours.

I think if MIL cared about their sons as much as they say they do they would really focus on what they can do to strengthen their relationship with their DIL.. and encourage the relationship instead of making things worse, for example, talking trash to their son about his wife. I think MILs need to stop being a problem,learn to be good mothers and grandmothers.

Same goes for DIL's! They need to remember that if weren't for us mothers you wouldn't have that men by your side! We gave birth to those husbands with such mean mothers remember? Most girls today are so insecure that they are jealous of their husband's mothers! They have a lot of growing up to do! My only wish for this type of DIL's is this- with any luck, you all be in our shoes one day! One day you all will have a DIL! And that's called " Sweet Karma"

This is soo true!

I hope you read this response LuvvThySelf. MILs need to learn to be good mothers? Are you kidding? I hope you don't have children yet because you still have so much growing up to do yourself.

I couldn't have said it better!

Ctyofangels,

I completely agree with you. I think DILs should NEVER bad mouth their husbands MILS- same with MILS bad mouthing DILS. I feel its just wrong and petty. I think every story &experience is different. I feel in some cases, it\'s the MIL who is extremely jealous and insecure, and in others its the DIL.

I know with my own experience.. I have a \"future MIL\" Who is very subtle with her insults when my fiance is around, but is very mean when he isn\'t... She calls my Fiance multiple times a day... he never blows her off either -I wouldn\'t want him too. He stayed at home with his parents till he was 29, He is 32 now has lived with me. He is her first born son. It kills me that I don\'t have a strong relationship with her but Im hopeful when we are married she may act different, its possible.. but not probable unfortunately. I will continue to be polite even when she\'s rude... but I always spend xmas and holidays comfortable with my parents, and I try to only visit her when I absolutely have too. I wish things were different but they are not, I can\'t change her. We can\'t change anyone.. we only have control over our own actions and I prefer to not stoop to her level.

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I have sim issues, however, it is my step son married to the DIL and my husband who I feel really has been given the shaft the most. It started with their wedding and the way our entire family was kept on the fringes of it. My husband, who should have been with his son getting dressed for his big day was excluded from that honor in place of HER father. When it came time for photos, their photographer seemed like he was trying to avoid us. They asked our family to pose for two photos out of the 250 they had the guy take. There was no personal photo of my husband and his son. We dont have a poor relationship with her, we have a nothing relationship with her. And she seems to keep it that way.Though son tries to include us in events, she does not even make an effort. We are def put last on her list for everything. Most times,we are an after thought. We did notice how she had made a huge effort though to have a relationship with MY in-laws which makes no sense to us. They didnt raise my husbands son..they didnt babysit the kid while the parents worked and they had occasional visits with him as they lived several cities away. So her going over board to facilitate a relationship them and not us, is bizarre. We feel our relationship with the son has suffered from this behavior. He rarely visits us anymore and pretty much excludes us from his personal life. At first I thought she acted this way because I am a step mother to him...but now I have no clue. I feel your pain in feeling excluded. You have this idea in your head that another family member is being added to your family and your going to have a relationship with them...and then that doesnt happen and it leaves you wondering what the heck you did wrong....

Oh god. Not watching your DIL give birth isn't meant to be penalizing. It's a private moment. Adult women with strong bonds with their mothers need them their for support. It's not about seeing the grandbaby being born. Its a comfort issue for a difficult moment in a woman's life. Penalized. Please! A lot of women have poor relationships with their mothers. I'm more comfortable telling my mother what to do and not to do to which she doesn't take offense to, but listens and corrects. We have a rhythm and the history to know it's not personal. I can't do this with my MIL because she picks a part everything much like you seem to be doing. My husbands failure to smooth things with his parents is the cause of the problems. This is what upsets me. I'm under a microscope and I get to a point where I just don't care. Your son is married. They live as they choose and you're being hurtful by doubting her mothering. Everyone's family is different and that is not your family. It's now become a cycle of two people being constantly defensive.

My daughter is a very giving person. Her MIL only has boys so she has never been allowed to experience the birth of a grandchild so when asked, she allowed MIL and myself, her mother, to be present. I was very proud of my daughter. There was no modesty issue; obviously you are always covered and she doesn't have to be at that end of the bed. My daughter was generous enough to empathize with her MIL to see that if she didn't allow her that experience, she would never have it otherwise. I couldn't be more proud of her. I'm not saying their relationship is 100% perfect but that doesn't exist in any relationship. If she complains about her I remind her of the MIL's strengths; that we all have weaknesses, just as you do.

Your daughter ma'am is very gracious! Raised well! I may be wrong? But I want to believe most of us want to get along. A complete family. I don't expect any of my DILs to be my BFF. But I expect the respect I give to be returned. I'd NEVER give any one the joy of knowing they hurt me tho. Stubborn that way. :-)

You just made me cry

I believe its the woman in labor's right to decide who is there while the baby is born. I chose MY mother and my husband. Mil got to wait in the waiting room. I don't care, I wasn't comfortable with her there, my mother and I are close, she has seen my intimate parts for years, and obviously my husband has too. I've known my mil impersonally for a few years. Why the he!! would I let her in the room where I'm half naked???. Its not Mil's day, I'm the one squeezing the watermelon out of my body... Mil's feelings are not on my priority list.

A daughter is naturally closer to her mother. It happens. Did YOU choose your husband's family over your own? Unlikely.

To me it sounds like some women need hobbies. A marriage already has enough going on with only 2 people involved. They don't need a meddling mother interfering with their private relationship.

Spot on girlfriend

I really do hate my daughter in law with a passion but don't show it and grit my teeth.
My son suffers from schizophrenia and is an alcoholic and is currently at end stage. I could lose him very soon.
They have been together 14 yrs and have 3 children.
They live in a hectic house with the kids running riot on coca cola and sugar.
She is paid to be my son's carer but has not cared for him EVER. She enables him to drink and always has done. She laughs at his mental illness and calls him a freak.
She has control of finances yet she gets behind with rent and bills. She thrives off doorstep loans. I advise her as much as I can but it goes in one ear and out of the other.
My son is a good parent but when he gives the children discipline my daughter in law yells at him.
When my son comes to stay with me he doesnt drink and tells me how he needs help and wants to give it up. But as soon as he goes home to motormouth he hits the bottle. She gives him no encouragement at all. She is thick as anything and doesnt understand his illness. I would love him to get rid of her but I will be quiet and pray they break up.

How can an active alcoholic be a good father? It seems like your son can do no wrong. Honey, if their kids are running riots, then I have to question his parenting as well as hers. And unless your DIL is holding a gun to your son's head demanding him to get hammer drunk, it's quite unfair to blame his addiction illness on her. Your son is sick, and is an addict.

I\'m sorry for your son.. one of my family members is an addict. I know the one thing we have to learn is that no one else is to blame but themselves. I think if you realized that and didn\'t team up with your son blaming the wife for his problems. It take 2 to raise children, and its obvious that they are BOTH bad parents. I really hope he gets help. A lot of people with mental illness self medicate instead of accepting the issues and getting the right treatment and care to help fix the issues. You blaming his wife is actually preventing him from realizing HE has the power to change and get sober...no one is bringing him down but himself!

My husband and I have never said anything negative to our daughter-in-law or to our son about our daughter-in-law. We have watched their daughter for over 9 months, travel time of 2 hours a day for us. When babysitting their daughter, we pick up, launder the babies clothes and make sure the kitchen is cleaned up each day. We varied from the daughter- in-laws strict routine giving the now 1 year old an extra bottle two days in a row because she was very fretful and had awakened 2 hours earlier than normal those days. We were chastised by our daughter in law and told she and our son were the parents and they would make all decisions. And, that we were to not give them any advice. We were not thanked or was it recognized by the daughter-in-law, that we had addressed their daughter's need when she was having a difficult day. From this incident, we have found out how very insecure some daughter-in-laws are and that they would rather neglect a need of their own child then admit a son's parents might be right about something. I have 6 friends who all have sons and 5 of them say their daughter-in-laws are very difficult. My own sister said don't give a DIL any advice unless you think the child life is in danger and then they probably still won't listen to you. The experience of my friends and sister are DIL have no use for MIL's no matter how nice you have been to them.

Had to laugh when I read the part about the extra bottle of milk. Silly woman, it's not like you and hubby ever raised any children, how would you know how to act around them? Oh, yeah, right -- you raised DIL's husband! Go figure.

Hah, my DIL had a long list of "rules" I was to follow when I watched my granddaughter. One day I had watch the baby at their house. DIL decided that I gave the baby far too much cereal (it was a small bowl) and added, "No more cereal" to the list of rules. Months down the road my son is watching me feed granddaughter (in my house) and asked, "Why don't you give her some cereal with bananas? She loves that!" I looked at him aghast and said, "What? NO! I can't do that! 'No cereal' is one of the rules!!!!!" Turns out they had "changed" that rule and didn't tell me.

The best way we've found, to get along with her, is to minimize the contact. Works for her, works for us - and we don't miss her a bit.

In another post i think you wrote that your dil was the one to tell you to give the cereal again. The inaquracies in the story might suggest that you take things too seriously and twist the storyline just to make your dil the bad guy. Maybe she would not seem half as bad if you did not pay that much attention to the bad stuff. Also, she probably just told you not to give any more cereal that day as the baby had had enough already. I am not trying to be mean, i just believe there is tension where it could not be.

As I have neither the time nor the inclination to "review" past posts, it was sort of both of them. My son asked me when he was here why I didn't give her cereal. However, DIL would send me emails (which is why I know her cereal edict wasn't just for the day) with the baby "rules." As I did NOT have a followup email telling me that it was okay, I was still using her old rules. After my son asked her about it, I did get a followup email telling me that cereal was now acceptable.

I am very serious about minimizing the contact tho, so unless we have to be around her, there is very little to no tension. When we have to deal with her (like the holidays), I can always count on something I say getting her upset. Case in point? I made a comment at Christmas that I really liked baby clothes, especially little girl dresses, etc., and that if I won the lottery, I'd spend it all on clothes for the grandbaby. First of all, it was an off the wall comment - no, I actually, seriously, would NOT do that. I rarely buy her clothes now, I only keep a few things here in case she spills something. DIL actually started ripping me up one side and down the other for the comment. Finally my nephew told her that she needed to keep it in perspective and not to worry about it unless, and until, it happened. (DUH!)

I'm guessing that you're a DIL - and you might be a wonderful one. There are both kinds on both sides, bad DILs and bad MILs. That's why there are sites for each side to vent on.

Im the EVIL DIL who didn't want my MIL in the room when I gave birth to my child. And guess what.... I wanted MY MOM and husband in there and that is exactly what I got. My mil threw a fit, but my husband stuck up for me and MY WISHES. I was the one going through labor. I make the call who's in the room.

That being said, I have a very strained relationship with my mil. I find her overbearing and unfortunately in the beginning of my relationship with my husband I pretty much let her plow over me because I "didn't want to start things off on the wrong foot." Big mistake. Now that I am not accommodating to her wants its been a nightmare.

It's caused problems in my marriage. I am stressed out about what she's going to be like on our visits. Everyone seems to be afraid of her. I just got really tired of walking on eggshells around her. It's gotten worse since the baby is here.

I guess I came on this site to try and see things from MILs point of view. But I just feel like she got to have her family time. What about my husband and I? Don't we get to have that time too?

This woman has driven me to stomach ulcers. It's horrible. Everything has to be about her and what she wants. It's exhausting.... And depressing.

Try not to compete with the wife MILs seriously. Your son has chosen a spouse. If HE wants to see you, HE will. If he doesn't, it's not the evil dils fault. He is a grown man.

Wow, I could have practically written this, except for the fact that for me, it hasn't caused marital problems. Also we don't have kids (yet?) and might never be able to, but I agree with you that she had NO business being there. Earlier on in our relationship, I guess looking back one could say that I let my MIL plow right over me, but I was just trying to be nice and understanding - I didn't expect much from her at all, in fact I tried to do as much as I could to be there for her and be the 'bridge', so to speak, I wanted to help my husband be closer to his own family. Huge mistake. I agree that MILs should not consider it a competition with their DIL - in fact, if they are lucky enough to have a DIL like me, they should appreciate every thing she does for her, because it is NOT a given, and there is NO NEED to have a bunch of made-up problems. DILs are people who love and who have feelings, MILs should act like that matters at least a little bit.

A woman with only sons may only have that one chance to witness her grandchild being born. She's not interested in your hoohah or intruding or taking anything away. It would cost you nothing to try to be a little understanding instead of condescending and sarcastic. As you have feelings, so does a mil. As your life is beginning and growing, so could hers be, but selfish DILs make sure she's pushed aside because they're the only ones who matter. A mil is a mother, who loved and raised your husband. She is not an inconvenience or an out if date appliance. Really a lot of selfishness poured out of this post.

I was blessed and yes even a little spoiled by our 1st DIL. She's always polite and just NICE.
I've seen MILs and DILs that nice wouldn't matter. But it does to me.

I'd like to know where this generation of GPs gets off DEMANDING that they have "rights" to see their GKs being born? Child labor is NOT a spectator sport. If you werent there for the conception of the child what makes you feel so entitled to be there for the birth?

NEWSFLASH: Your GKs birth has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, the GP - HOWEVER it does have everything to do with the woman in labor ( aka your evil selfish DIL) and HER BABY. Therefore, her wants, needs and wishes trumps YOURS period end of story. If she doesnt want you there during HER medical procedure respect that.

How is it a DILs fault that you as a MIL only had sons not daughters and wont witness your GK being born?

How SELFISH of the MIL to EXPECT her DIL to fullfill the MILs WANTS AND NEEDS surrounding the birth of the GK. Did your parents DEMAND to see your kids be born then promptly throw an adult sized tantrum when theif demand wasent met? Im guessing not.

My GPs never demanded that they be in the delivery room. Heck MY MOM has never been in the delivery room w any of my kids or my sister in laws kids. (And she has a pretty good relationship with ALL of the GKs despite not being there while they were born. Shocking isnt it?)

I just think its the Boomer Generation, in general. They are so used to getting their way, they feel entitled to everything and think everyone owes them something. Perhaps this is why more DILs have MIL issues and why there are more GPs cut off from their GKs than any other generation before them.

Allowing a MIL that will never experience seeing a grandchild born otherwise, in to see the birth is very giving. Who is the selfish one here? The MIL is not trying to intrude but to be a part of a very special moment that you don't want to share simply because she's not YOUR own mother. How sad.

It is very giving, but to politely say no I'm uncomfortable with that is not selfish. It's selfish to expect to be apart of such a private experience, and cause problems if dil simply says she's uncomfortable. I don't understand how mils can't understand how selfish that is. It doesn't matter if you only have sons. The pregnant wife wants to have the most comfortable experience for her baby. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Starting problems like that doesn't help with the relationship between miles and dil, and grandchildren for that matter.

Amen Sister!!

4 More Responses

This describes my experience. My husband died earlier this year and I am still treated in the same way by my dil, - as if I dont exist, or am of no importance. She never rings or shows any interest in me, even if I send little presents for the grandchildren, which I love to do. I have done nothing to deserve this. I have always accepted her and put myself out to accommodate her needs with food, (she's veggie), but if I ever go to their house, she never cooks or does anything for me (us, when my husband was alive) it is down to our son to go to the supermarket to get some home or soup. Unbelievable, all but one of her family have moved to live in the same town and they have a sort of family mafia, of which I am definitely not considered a member. Her parents didn't even ring or write to express any sympathy when my husband died which continues to hurt me deeply. My husband and I made a lot of financial sacrificies to help them buy their home, - even buying their last two homes so they wouldn't have the worry of having selling. I have given my dil some family jewellery, and would give more, except she never wears it or seems to appreciate anything to do with me. Quite apart from just about all her family living in the same town, as if that isn't enough, they also go off to her parents house for a big family holiday. I get to see them a couple of days only, and it is never negotiable, there is always some reason why they have to get back, and there is a fuss about the journey, - but this doesn't seem to matter when they go abroad to see her parents. I continually help out financially, - no thanks, in fact I suspect that my son asks for my help, but then keeps it to himself that I have given him a sub. She is very very extravagant, does not work, garden, cook, decorate, just zilch. My son does his best but I can see he is struggling and out of love for him I want to help. My husband was a bit tougher than me, he just said that our son had made his bed and would have to lie on it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

you sound like a nasty piece of work lady. she probably puts her parents first because they remember that the kids are HER kids and your son's kids, not YOUR kids. And she has every right to sent her kids to activities. Maybe you should remember YOUR mother-in-law didn't tell you how to raise your son and back the hell off

Exactly.

OMG - are we one and the same person? I am getting to hate two of my daughter in laws. The first one is really crazy - 3 yrs. ago she was emailing and/or texting or calling my son at his work 100+ times a day - they almost got divorced. We tried to be supportive and not judgmental. She is socipathic narcissistic...borderline...anyway, her assaults turned to us - she told my son we were too aggressive (like asking when we would be ble to see the baby - maybe once a month worked for her, but not for me - once a week woudl hae been wonderful and I'm talking only an hour or so! Anyway, the grandbaby is now almost 4 and we have not had her at our hosue alone except for once. She came with an inflamed bottom and the DIl told my son WE did it. Son is stupid. Love him to death, but after the big blow out (she hadn't given him sex in 2 years (when she got pg, she stopped), so after that she started giving him sex and he's madly "IN LOVE." He never dated much and married at age 30, stating on his wedding day he had married someone HOT. I'm so sick with grief I dont' even know what to share next - just know that there is nothing I can do. But I am starting to hate her...she is influencing the second daughter in law who thinks I'm too aggressive (uh, I can't tell you why, 'cause I really don't know) - she also likes to keep our son from us. They cornered the third son's wife and told her how awful we were and guess what? She came to us and cried and said that was not her experience and now she won't have anything to do with them at all. So, the 2 mean ones have disrupted our family. I'm intimidated by them - I was a teacher for a long time and these girls rank up there with mean girls every time...I'm soo sad. I try to be nice to them. Buy them gifts. Don't email or bother them and allow them to make the first move (the complaint was that I was too clingy, so I am not now)...can't win for losing...soooooo sad. I feel I've lost the oldest son for sure and sometimes the middle one - thank God the youngest loves us and feels we are good parents...and so does his wife.....

That's the game DILs like that do...they withhold in one way or another which causes any parent who is being treated that way to become very intense about wanting to be treated better.....and then call the MIL all sorts of things, like "aggressive", etc. They are just manipulative girls, and know what they are doing. She is yanking your chain. And they play on your fear too (fear of not seeing your son or, if they have kids, your Grandchildren.)

And you are absolutely right, about Mean Girls. It is the bully phenomenon called Mean Girls and they like to outcast, isolate and abuse. Good videos on youtube about Mean Girls syndrome, by the way.

Then they stomp their feet and cry about how it's all about them and their wishes, but they're not selfish or demanding, right?

I can totally relate!Less is more,you will never win!Your son understands the relationship that is going on he is not blindsighted!<br />
I know it's frustrating just keep the negative energy away and when you have a chance address the situation head on to your DIL and go straight for the answer bet she'll be tongue tied! Stay Strong... Rab

I will try to give you advice but I don't know how far it will go. I have a Mother in Law who HATES me and I'm not very fond of her either. I guess that it all started when I began living with her. She just would not let me be a MOM to my own kid. That is what basically started everything. Anything I did was always wrong and I always worried way too much according to her.<br />
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Here are some examples:<br />
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I thought my daughter was lactose intolerant because every time I gave her milk she would scream with a belly ache and have an upset stomach. For her one year wellness check up I brought her to the doctor and he confirmed that she should not be given any milk. Yet my Mother in Law gives her bottle after bottle of milk after I have kindly asked for her not to. It upsets me SOOOOOOO much!<br />
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My daughter got a rash one day because it was hot outside and I guess she just got a rash. It wasn't from too many bubbles in her bath or me not changing her diaper frequently because I'm very uptight about those things. Anyway it was blistering and it looked awful and literally popped up out of nowhere! It was red and then within 2 hours it just looked horrid. So I was freaking out because my daughter was screaming every time she peed in her diaper because it burned. So I was letting her air out diaper free. It was a Friday afternoon and I knew that I would have to wait until Monday to make a doctor's appointment for her to get cream. She is a baby so I can't exactly just go buy something over the counter and apply it on her...it can be too strong for her little body. So I went to the Emergency Room. I have had a yeast infection before. They are horrible. I didn't want her to have to suffer all weekend long like that with no solution. My Mother in Law got mad at me because I brought her to the E.R. and she said I was wasting my time and over reacting. The Doctor at the E.R. said it was good I brought her in because he said one more day and she would have just been miserable screaming all day long. He said it was a very severe Yeast Infection too....so I wasn't wrong. I was doing the right thing.<br />
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I seriously think my Mother in Law thinks she is a Dr./Nurse sometimes and any time I think something is not right with my own child she has to freak out and tell me I'm wrong or I'm not doing it correctly...whatever it is I'm doing. <br />
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It really upsets me though. <br />
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Another thing that upsets me....my Mother in Law never directly talks to me. She always talks to my husband about me. Even if I am standing right there! It is so childish. For example the other night I was standing in the kitchen. My Mother in Law goes, "Is Mary spending the night?" I was right there! She had to like yell across the room for my Fiance to hear yet I am like 5 ft. away from her and I basically don't even exist to her. It is so mean and abusive in my opinion. She really upsets me.

Sounds like a lot of reaction going on, on your part, so you have to learn to not react to her so much. When she gets on you about doing something with your child that she wants to disagree with, just tell her you are going to, and don't argue, just say Hey, this is my child and I'm going to bring the baby to the doctor, and don't want to argue with you about it. As for her minimizing you, when she talks about you in 3rd person while you are right there, please don't look to your fiance to stand up for you, just speak up yourself, for yourself. So many girls look to the guys to take stands with his Mom, and all it does is get a son put in the middle in conflicting loyalties. So just speak up, and speak your own words, and don't get upset, and just be right up front. You can't change your fiance's Mom, but you can shape how you want things to go and how you wish to be treated. Stay calm, you can do it.

Best thing you can do? MOVE OUT!! Get your own place, make your own rules and stand on your own.

To all of you in regards to whom should and shouldn't be in the delivery room. WHAT the hell kind of BS is this whole thing? Mommies in the delivery room? You got pregnant without her there, so WHY should she be there when the grandchild is born? GIVE ME A BREAK! Talk about completely ridiculous. I know that I didn't even want my own mother in there with me when my son was born more than 25 yrs ago. WHY would I want that? Some advice to you newbie mommies....keep BOTH, maternal and paternal, mommies OUT OF THE DELIVERY ROOM unless of course you can't handle anything by yourselves....then you'd need to have BOTH in there...not one or the other. It's hurtful, disrespectful and WRONG! I'm so sick of you little whiners going on and on about "it's all about the mommy"....Yeah, right...until you get home with the kid, then it's all about the kid not YOU. This sense of entitlement and self-importance is sickening. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time...no hospitals, no doctors, no being babied out the ying yang. This whole mentality of babying the crap out of pregnant women makes me sick. You were old enough to get yourselves knocked up, so try ACTING your age and stop depending on mommy to take care of you, just as you wish for your husband's mother to stop taking care of him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, ladies!....Well, if that's what you want to call yourselves. I"d call you spoiled, little b**ches!

Thanks for keeping it REAL! This is a post that I could have written! :)
Little spoiled brats having babies thinking that the world should cater to them....
I have a niece that is just like this and know too many others! It's SAD!

@sadangrymom - tell your son when he learns how to be a man to give you a call and that you're not going to the wedding, as only two people from his side of the family really wouldn't be missed to begin with. WHAT is going on with these guys? Makes me sick!

@jackisnips....Fanned and Faved! Some guys have to learn the hard way, and just exactly WHAT is going on with young men in today's day and age? It's like every single one of them has their balls in their wife's purses. They don't stand up for themselves. Perhaps THIS is why the divorce rates are so high nowadays? Back in the day, a guy wouldn't think twice of saying to wifey..."Hey, that's my mother you're talking about and I HAVE 23 of HER GENES!" I guess that's "verbal abuse" today? All of this civility crap is getting us nowhere. More and more couples don't argue, as they don't realize that arguing actually strengthens a relationship. All these guys do is walk around led by the nose (as you said) until they get really good and sick of the crap and then just divorce the b**ch. That's when they come crawling back to mommy, and though mommy wants to tell him to get lost, she just usually tells him "I TOLD YA SO", and then they take them back anyway. A mother's love for her son is special just as a father's love for his daughter is. Lately it's that the wife wants to rule everything and do everything her own way rather than LEARNING from those that walked ahead of her and who had a hand in making the person that she fell in love with who he is to begin with. These women today are morons...then again, our sons are bigger morons for putting up with these liberal b**ches crap. Then we wonder why today's youth is so screwed up? Do everything your own way, and half of these chicks out there have absolutely ZERO in the brain department unless of course they're conniving and manipulating!

Ballless, spineless sons are a biproduct of HOW THEIR MOMMIES RAISED THEM......not how the eeeeevil DILs "brainwashed" them against you.

With every new step/life event you CHANGE in life. Marriage changes you &amp; your outlook on life. Having kids does the same thing. I'm not the same as I was 22 not married and no kids as I am now; married with kids.

Your sons have changed, and your realizing maybe your relationship with your son isn't that great, or as strong as you thought. Or maybe he just doesn't want to see you as often. If you like it or not he's a grown married man with a family and life of his own, and you MILs are no longer the center of his universe. That's how life is supposed to work.

I agree a lot of guys seem to be led by a nose ring by young women today. I can tell you that kids in HS say that is how it is now, so these girls are learning young, and HS kids say there are a LOT of girls like that who order their guys around and have them jumping thru the girls' hoops. It IS sad, and a shame, but seems to be the thing kids are learning as young as HS. So, the guys get the drift, among peers that this is how it is, and so yes, their balls are in the girls' purses as you say. I guess we just need to let guys including our sons make their own mistakes, and see who they want to see for romantic partners til they figure out that they don't like controlling types of women. It is also the generation's celebrities they all look to, like Paris Hilton, Lyndsay Lohan, etc. Girls are ruder today than ever before....and so are boys....seems that manners are totally gone, respect has almost disappeared, it is very sad.

You know, there are some people who believe in "steps" and "levels" in life. Life is just life. Not everything is marked by each step and all of that....and our sons are NOT really MEN yet, someday they will be, might take til they are 40, for some of them, but no these kinds of girls who are crappy to guys' Moms, is a whole new breed of cat, that began in this generation of young ppl and it is a movement in society among this generation's youth, and nothing any of us caused.

Guys tell me that even in HS, girls are like this now with their boyfriends, snapping their fingers and making guys jump thru their hoops for them. It is a new breed of girl and it is a problem. Yes, their you know whats are in the purses, and our young men need help today knowing how to contend with it. Hormones also, do blind them. It is also a peer thing of as tho this is normal and it isn't, the jump thru hoops aspect.

1 More Response

@gramma1 - You have EVERY right to feel slighted. It appears that in today's day and age NO ONE has any RESPECT for those that are there for them when help is needed or support of some kind. However, when we're gone, THAT'S when they realize how good they had it. I'd sell my house and move!

@zafamoch....well, everyone wants to do things their own way, but you will learn as you get older, that YOUR way isn't always necessarily the RIGHT or BEST way. Open yourself up to learning from someone. Apparently, you fell in love with her son, so she did a bunch of stuff RIGHT!

Yes, it would be nice if these young women realized we did raise good sons and respected us for that. Or even thought well of us for it. Or even were nice to us for it.

@nahla1996 - when the day comes for your boys to marry and you are treated as nothing more than a child bearer from your future DILS, you'll get it. BTW, from your post, not only do you have your own way of parenting, but it apparent that you also have your own way of spelling. Obviously, you didn't learn a thing in school, nor will you ever be willing to learn something from anyone else with LIFE EXPERIENCE b/c you're so busy doing things your own way. If your own way of parenting is anything like your spelling, you ain't doin' sumptin' right.

@CoGirl...sounds like your DIL is an ungrateful b**ch. One way to fix this problem, let HER stay home with a sick kid and take care of HER kid. Don'tcha just love these newbie parents that tell a woman that has already raised a kid what to do and not to do with a baby? Like you don't know? Apparently, if she married your son, you managed to do something right to get him through infancy, being a toddler and such....these women today are so busy listening to everything a doctor tells them or what they read in a magazine that they have absolutely NO RESPECT whatsoever for those who walked in their shoes ahead of them. Best way to handle this situation is to tell your son...Bye Bye...can't tolerate this crap and refuse to. Good luck to you. Sometimes turning your back (as hard as it is) is better for you, so you don't have to continue to be abused and/or see the absolute stupidity going on around you. One day your son will come find you, and in his own way tell you that you were right...and that's when you tell him "I told ya so." Trust me...it'll happen. He'll get so sick of doing everything with HER family and alone with her, he'll eventually regret allowing his wife to keep his balls in her purse and want his family back. Just hope it's not too late by then.

@peanuttsmums - ditch her. She's trying to use you to get your son back, and she should have thought about how she would feel when and if your son ever found about her affair and what he'd do BEFORE she decided to screw up her marriage. Now that she can't get her way, she's blaming you for "egging" your son on. If I EVER found out that my son's wife was cheating on him, I'd beat the crap out of the b**ch...never mind her even thinking about expectations for me to be loyal to her after that!

@skshannon...your tune will change after the birth of your child...especially if you have a SON! I just love when people run off with the mouth that aren't even mothers yet!

I hope she isn't treated as coldly as she has treated her mil. That's cruelty. And why do they fly off the hinge about everything? They want to be respected and "obeyed," but if a mil has a different opinion, even if its not you g to be law, why freak out about it. A DILs opinion wasn't "meant" to be against the DIL, but the MILs opinion is always "against me me me!" Pshht get over yourselves.

@mytwinkle...you're an idiot. Read her post...she said that NO ONE was going to be in the room when the kid was born, and SHE approached her MIL. MIL was never expecting it to begin with, and then dear ole' DIL lets HER parents in anyway. You're really an idiot!

@hopefulingeorgia....you are so arrogant, it's not even funny. Sounds to me like you are the typical "Southern Belle". You make me sick. Apparently you don't realize that just because the "bringing up" issue is over and done with, a MOTHER IS A MOTHER UNTIL the day either she or the child dies! People like you are what's wrong with this world!!! Go jump off a cliff already!

I only want to address one thing. It is NEVER your right as a MIL to be present for birth of your grandchildren. Period. Your DIL is not your biological child, and like it or not, birth is a personal time for her. She may want her mother present, but that is her mother who has been a support to her her entire life. It's not abnormal for a daughter to want her mother present, but it is rude and unrealistic for you to expect to get to be there during a birth. It is too personal of a time, and it doesn't sound like you have the best relationship to begin with. You are expecting too much here.<br />
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Some DILs are fine with their MIL being present, but if they aren't, that is absolutely an area that has to be respected. "But it's my son" isn't a valid argument. He's not the one exposed and in pain. So much can go wrong in birth. The comfort level of the mother is crucial. That means that as MILs, we step out in these circumstances for the best interest of EVERYBODY. It may not be what you want, but you have to learn to cope with that.

It may be her special time, I mean, hey, she's a DIL, so everything is her special time, right? Does that mean a woman can't be disappointed? Is that a crime? Should she never be able to feel anything, unless its how incredible her DIL is?

I could have written the above story. Exactly. When I proposed family pictures, she refused to be in them though she has pictures of her with hubby, kids, and her whole family as the main decorative items in the house.<br />
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I don't visit often, but when I do, she walks out to shop or whatever. I am not welcome to stay in their home. When they first married, they invited me, but then I did such outrageous things as ask for a towel for the bathroom and a cup of coffee in the morning. She only wants to see us if we have our checkbook in hand. But she never writes a thank you.<br />
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The kids are wonderful, but I don't get to see them much. Sad, sad, sad

pstno, are you responding to me - being jealous of "HER" family? I suppose you can read all sorts of things into a post, ba<x>sed on your experience, and it sounds like you have a bad MIL. I'm truly sorry about that. No, I'm not jealous of her family, I just wish she would try and treat us a bit more equitably. (No, not about being in the delivery room, because we would NOT have been in there no matter what. I didn't care that her parents were there, I just thought it was humorous that they were allowed to break "the rule.") My DIL makes no effort at all to be around us. Here's an example of what we're up against. I wanted to send Christmas cards out with a photo of all our family this last year, so I asked if that was okay. DIL responded that under no circumstances could I send a card out with a photo of the grandbaby. My son then reminded her that HER parents always send out a card with a photo of the family, so did that mean they weren't going to be able to send out a card with the baby's photo either? OH. DIL promptly lifted the rule for me, although she clearly was angry about it. Why the double standard? She's complained about me doing something and then her mother does the EXACT SAME THING and it's okay. Or when I watch the baby all day, one of MY rules is that I'm not allowed to take her out anywhere. So if I have to run to the store, I can't. I can't take the baby out. HER mother takes her everywhere. To the mall, grocery store, etc. Again, double standards - and no, I don't drink, or take medicines, I have my driver's license, etc., etc. There are no extenuating factors as to why she has this rule. Just as I'm willing to accept that there are MIL's out there who are not nice (and your MIL might truly be one of those), I think you should realize that perhaps you have gone the extra mile for your in-laws and you're a very nice person, but there are certainly DIL's out here who are not.

CoGirl, I agree, these DILs need to treat both sets of grandparents the same. Insist up on it. If her Mom can take the grandchild out, you should be able to, too.

I'd like to tell you of just one of my DILs double standards. We were discussing the wedding, ftr this was the last discussion of the wedding we had together. My son and I were discussing a cousin coming from out if state, she had two children, ages 6 and 12. DIL stated she had not planned children at her wedding. It was then acknowledged she would have her small nieces as flower girls, from ages 6-3. That was nearly all the children in her family. I told her I didn't know what my cousin would do with her children, but we could try to figure it out. My son, who still had a voice at this time, said he wanted them there. "Fine!" she said, "we'll just tell YOUR family they're the only ones allowed to bring children!" I said, "I'm sorry, but actually his family is the only one not allowed, because all the children from your family are IN the wedding." She said, " "I never envisioned children all over my wedding. I don't even particularly like children." The cousin and children did not attend and the tiny, adorable flower girls were all over, as they should be. There was even an infant on her side of the aisle. She's a peach my DIL.

It sounds like you might be jealous of "HER" family. My MIL is the same way. My family have gone out of their way to show this woman kindness and to be friendly, and she has nothing good to say about them. I've made a concerted effort to be around my in-laws, such that MIL sees her son MORE now than before he met me. Instead of being overjoyed and appreciating me for that, my MIL complains that I only want my husband to be around me and my family and that I'm taking him away from his family. So I am very skeptical when I hear a MIL complain like this about her DIL's family. I am convinced that some MIL's have no respect for their kids' in-laws.

Look pstno, some girls without realizing it, DO prefer their own family over their husband's family and it is lousy. And unwittingly, DILs like that, DO provoke feelings of jealousy by favoring their own Mom and Dad. So, maybe your MIL really doesn't feel like hanging out with your parents much, what does it matter to you? Are you going to blame her, for your "family going out of their way to show this woman kindness....etc?" Really?? Cuz I can tell you, that in OUR generation, our parents didn't have to go hang out with any of OUR mate's families.... maybe what you and your family expect, is something your MIL has never even heard of or seen done before and maybe she isn't comfortable with it and really doesn't want to spend time with your folks etc. It should not be a requirement for her to have to, and you should not have a blame thing going on toward her, for not wanting to be spending time with your family. And good that you have helped her to see her own son more now, I applaud you for that. Sounds like you want her to realize it and thank you, tho -- maybe you can talk to her about it some day, and bring it up.. Sounds to me like you need to give her some proper respect, tho as far as time goes, and you and your husband should spend equal time with his Mom, as you and he do with your own Mom. Otherwise, Moms of sons NOTICE that, and our sons don't just have to be swallowed up by a girl's family. Be fair. I bet your MIL will be a lot nicer and happier if you do. We, Moms of sons, don't have to be just like how your parents are, either. We are humans too. We don't have to treat you just like your parents treat our son. Doesn't make us "wrong" to not be just like how your folks are with your mate. We all do the best that we can. It's not fun to have to forge a whole new relationship with some girl, who favors her family mainly, believe me. And some day, when your kids are choosing mates, you will realize it really isn't always a lot of fun.

Wow, you made a lot of assumptions just based on the fact that she is the MIL and me the DIL. What me and my family expect - who said that we expect anything? Who said anything about it being a requirement for her to spend time with my parents? I said NOTHING about that. And why do you assume that I'm the one who hasn't respected her? And what makes you think that I didn't spend the requisite equal amount of time with my husband's family? Not every family deserves equal amount of time anyway, if they don't give a **** about you - and if you've more than tried. You might want to get off your high horse before you post to or about another DIL.

When my son told me that hubby and I would NOT be in the room to watch our granddaughter be born, I looked at him and said, "Are you bleeping kidding me? There is no way we would ever WANT to be in that room. I'm shocked that you're even telling us that." With a huge giant look of relief, he said, "Oh, wow, that was easy. We had a major battle with HER parents over this issue." <br />
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We weren't there..........................but guess who ended up in the room anyway, despite the "rule"?

Big surpise.

Stop parenting or trying to parent their kids. It really isn't any of your business. So in your opinion they are overly stimulated - there are much worse things - like a mom who puts them in front of the TV and never takes them anywhere or does anything with them.<br />
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I was a stay at home mom for many, many years and my husband traveled all the time. You are wrong about how hard that is on the wife!!! Unless you've walked in those shoes - you can't know and I can speak from experience. It is lonely, exhausting and trust me, JUST as difficult as a DH who travels for work!!!<br />
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If your DIL gives you attitude - then just walk away or give her attitude right back. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect and you should stand up to nasty comments and bullying etc. <br />
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Being in the same room when my kids were born - NOPE - no way I would have felt comfortable with my MIL being there - not even my mom. That's a personal choice and really you HAVE to respect that. Was your MIL in the same room when you delivered your son????<br />
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Speaking from the heart - I can see me in your DIL's shoes....wanting to vent to someone whom I thought cared about me - about all the daily activities, being a stay at home mom with little or no outside help - husband always gone etc. To me, that is a compliment to you that she feels comfortable enough and close enough to you to share things that most ladies share with their girlfriends. If you take that information and turn it against her - and make her out to be whiney and rigid and not supporting emotionally of your son - her DH - of course she is going to turn against you. It doesn't seem like that is really the case though - because you say how often you visit and see all the special events in your grandkids lives etc. <br />
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When you make the comment - nothing her DH does is ever enough...that's your opinion - not your DH's opinion. Imagine if your own MIl said that about you....how would that make you feel? And, if you share this comment with your DS - imagine how he feels. <br />
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Lastly, you say you only "keep at it" because of your grand kids and son - it sounds like they are in dire danger. Again, remember your role of raising kids and caring for your son has past - it is time for him to be an adult and them (him and his wife) to raise their children. Perhaps that is why you and your DH argue over this issue.

First of all, a birth is a very private event. Some women don't feel comfortable having an audience. You should be sensitive to that and not take is personally if you can't watch the babies being born. You feel that she overstimulates her kids with too many activities, but they are her kids not your's she and you son decide how to raise them.

In most cases, I don't think you can ever expect a DIL to feel the same for her husband's family as she does her own. Even though I do understand it, as a MIL, it's difficult at times to deal with. Still, I did hope for a close, daughter- like relationship with my DIL, which I am now beginning to think is not possible. Unless your son marries an orphan, or a girl who has a bad relationship with her own mother,--expecting something similar to the way she treats her side of the family is not going to happen. From my observations the best you can hope for is a little more than civility, or some pretense of something more. Regardless of how much you do, or how little you do, she will always consider her family first. If you have always had a close relationship with your son and your desire is to keep that--be careful. Personally, I don't know of any DIL-MIL relationships that are good. <br />
.

Origional Post, Lady your a nut job.<br />
<br />
Lets all lay on a table and let some negative ninny look at me naked. NO WAY!<br />
<br />
Giving birth is supposed to be special for THE PARENTS. Its uncomfortable enough with out having some idiot whinin that she cant be there to watch WAAAHHH<br />
<br />
Its not YOUR MOMENT LADY.<br />
<br />
OH MY you have probably just annoyed near every DIL on here.

Why so rude? She's not a nutjob because she FEELS differently from a different POV. DILs seem incapable of imaging other people are PEOPLE.

This is hard. But wouldn't you expect your son to put you first and think you're better than her parents? And would you have wanted your MIL in the delivery room?<br />
<br />
I don't want anyone in the delivery room with me, but I would never in a million years have my MIL in there. The birthing process is about the mother and what she needs.<br />
<br />
I believe you have very valid, legitimate concerns that need to be addressed. But you also sound pretty jealous over her parents and hint that you do not approve of her parenting styles. <br />
<br />
I don't talk to my MIL because she never stops talking. Ever. I think she does it as a nervous habit, but then later complains no one tells her anything. It took us 30 minutes to tell her my due date because she immediately launched into stories of friends and babies and when she was a teacher and a horrible thing that happened... seriously. She didn't ask one question and hasn't since. <br />
<br />
She also complains and trash talks everyone - including her own family - so I can only imagine what she says about me when I'm not around. She has never asked me what I do for a living, what my dreams are, what I like to do, what my favorite foods are. She knows nothing about me. Meanwhile I know everything about her. Including that she thinks we don't visit enough (we visit for 3 weeks a year!).<br />
<br />
Why are you getting into arguments with your husband over this? You need to live your own life and be there for your son and family as much as possible but otherwise stay out of it.

I have DIL whom I love like a daughter, she had a affair a 1 1/2 years ago broke off the affair when back to my son pleaded with him she wanted their marriage to work for the sake of their 3 year old son she done this now numerous times back and forth with my son I try to give advice and not to meddle in their marriage,now my son says he is done with her and wants a divorce moving on with his life he met a nice girl (just friends) now my dil is writing me nasty email messages ....I have no right to be friends with all my son's new g/f's and that I disrespected her "But you feel its ok to have every ex girlfriend and all the new ones too as your friends. That's pretty messed up. Your son and I are still married. I'm the mother of your grandson. You could show me a little more respect. But since I don't mean anything to you and we don't have a lasting relationship don't bother calling me or contacting me in anyway. "<br />
I am so upset and in tears what can I do?<br />
I did add my son new friends on Facebook should I delete them to make her happy? and keep the peace? By the way it was 1 girl and she is not my son's g/f yet just good friends,it seems like it was ok for my dil to keep her b/f the guy she had the affair with in constant contact with her .<br />
The only 1 I feel sorry for is my grandson

My DIL thinks everything I do is wrong. When they were getting married, my son called me one night and told me I'd have to apologize to her. I'm thinking, "For what?" Evidently she thought I did something I wasn't supposed to, and, instead of asking, she immediately started calling me names, she called her folks, told them I was horrible, was screaming at my son, etc. Turns out I a) didn't do anything; b) didn't even know what she was talking about and c) was totally innocent. That should have given me a clue. That was back in 2007, when they got married. Fast forward to today. I went over to their home to watch the granddaughter. She was home sick, and son is traveling, so I drove down (they live about 40 minutes away from us). I was "supposed" to feed the baby peas. I told her I did. I wasn't supposed to give her 3 bottles of milk. I didn't. I was supposed to ---- blah, blah, blah - and, in every instance I had acted in the exact manner that I was "supposed to." (She has all these rules, and woe to the person who breaks these "rules.") By the time I left, I was so upset, I was crying on the way home and darn near got in an accident. I so do not ever want to go through this, and yet I bite my tongue because of that baby and my son. The stress will end up wiping me out.

I am a daughter in law too. Mothers of boys have to realize that it is no longer about you, your still be his mother, but he isn't going to need to be mothered anymore. I am a mother to 3 boys and I know it will come a time when they will leave an marry. I am the daughter in law that isn't liked out of my husbands family, he is from a family were there was just all boys. My sister in laws, his brothers wives are liked. I have excepted this, don't like it but have learned not to care all that much anymore. I was not liked cause I have my way of doing things as a mother. I do believe mothers of sons have to respect the women that their sons choose, for marriage and for mothers of their own children. Everybody has a way of parenting. I am confused with why you think she doesn't support your son emotionally, do you know the details of their marriage to be able to place judgment? Maybe look at things this way, you seem like a strong women, and maybe that is what he saw in his wife and one of the reason why he loves her. There is a saying girls marry men like their fathers and boys marry women like their mothers. maybe he see's in her what he has always saw in you.

So are Mothers of daughters to realize they don't need Mommy and Daddy anymore after they marry also?
I agree our job of "raising" them is over. So is your parents job. But they will always be our babies just as you'll always be Daddy's little girl.
I agree there's a place for every family member and places we no longer belong. I have such wonderful DILs that my heart breaks for some of what I read. My DILs don't treat me special but they do treat me with the same kindness they show their own parents. My oldest DIL has told me its easy with us. But it's easy with her and the other two. I don't want to be their Mother or BFF. But I'm family that is connected forever thru their children. Our oldest son started something that his brothers copied before he married. I only found out about this last year. He told his wife before they married that he loved his family and talked to and seen us as often as he could. If that's a problem tell him now. Because it will not change later. In all honesty that made me feel proud! I've always been careful not to take advantage and I watch my step in a respectful way. I love my son and would never want him to be in the middle of people he loves. I guess where I'm blessed is my 3 DILs love their husbands enough to do the same.
There's good and bad in everything. Try to find the good people. The Walton's or even Duck Dynasty is popular for a reason. It's not just ole MILs who LOVE the thought of a whole happy family. Think about what you can do to show someone else kindness for a change. Put yourself last. HAPPY,HAPPY,HAPPY!

I AM A DAUGHTER IN LAW.... <br />
<br />
i for one feel your story, because this is how my MIL feels about me.. she feels exactly the same way!<br />
<br />
what i can say to you is, i feel my mom in law wants to take over and raise my son a certain way. i do not want this, i want to do things my way! you had your chance to be a mom, it is my turn now. my MIL also has said terrible hurtful things to me, to her son about me and to the rest of the family about me. leaving me emotionally embarraced and extremely hurt and self-contious. HOW DO I GET MYSELF TO FORGIVE HER AND BE AROUND HER? ofcourse the only way i will hurt her back is by keeping my kids away from her.. selfish yes i know, but she hurt me too!<br />
<br />
when it comes to the way i treat my husband, she feels i am not greatful enough, and i do not appreciate.. heres the thing.. if she is neveraround, how will she know the crux of our relationship! <br />
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my husband and i do things in a certain way, and the only reason i am the way i am with her is becausehe respects hes mom too much to express to her the way i feel, leaving me in a predicament to either let her walk over me or stand my ground..<br />
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i dont know.. i guess mothers and daughters in law are not supposed to get along

I don't think mil and DIL aren't meant to get along. I have a loving, secure DIL and one that is jealous and competitive. I definitely get along with the former. She doesn't feel the need to prove she's the woman in his life, she knows she is.

I started reading this out of dismay with my DIL. My son met her in the USA where he was born. She is Hungarian, but had been resident there for 7 years before they met.<br />
my son had a beautiful log house in the mountians of Colorado. She had nothing. I did wonder at the time??? However nothing has gone right between us. She is crafty, calculating, and clever to others, but not to me. She manipulates situations. My grandson now 5 years old hardly knows me. I have seen him twice. 1 month each time when I am allowed to visit from the UK. Her mother and father however have visited for 6 months each time they go, which is now twice. They have no money so they are paid for by them. I have no money either as I am retired, but have to pay for myself. The airfare is astronomical, and I buy my own food when I'm there to help out. Her parents do sod all to help out. They just take, take, take. I am left on the shelf as far as family is concerned. DIL will not give me access to my grandson on skype when my son is working away. Yet when I have stayed there for my short intervals, he spends more time talking to her mother on skype than he is allowed with me. I feel so left out of the family. I am now alone in the UK, no family. . My daughter and son live in the USA. I think my DIL is a *****. I despise her. My son believes everything she says against me. It is so demoralising. .MIL cant win. Sons always believe in their wives. We lose our place in their hearts when they marry. They might mourn us when we are dead, but that is probably the most we are thought about once they are married to DIL's.

They don't believe them, it's just easier than fighting their controlling wives.

gramma1, you are the hubby's parents. You will never be "as good" or "good enough" to your DIL. My sister-in-law's parents divorced, fortunately that came when the youngest of 4 was about 15. Then dad went on to marry someone as young as my SIL and she promptly let the kids know that their dad was off-limits and not to bug them for anything. Mom, meantime, started hitting the bars, etc. The 3 oldest kids, one got married and my SIL and her brother both went to work and got an apartment of their own. The 15 year-old lasted with mom until he graduated high school, then she threw him out. The minute her parents got divorced, they've never, ever done another thing for my SIL. My brother and SIL got in a bad accident and SIL nearly died. Neither parent went to see her nor did they come and help her, nothing, nada, zip.<br />
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Three years ago, her dad had a heart attack. She took off 3 weeks from work to go and help him recuperate. Her mother had issues and, again, you'd think she was the most important thing in SIL's life. Meanwhile, my parents, who have always been there for her, who never left the hospital, who cleaned her house, did her laundry, took care of her kids when she took months to recuperate, who have bailed them out every single time they needed money, etc., etc.? Well, they live 30 minutes from SIL and she never goes to visit, rarely calls, they're rarely invited to her home, etc.<br />
<br />
I don't get it either.

Ok I'm a mother in law and I need a peice of advice. My son married a girl who my husband and I truly do adore. She comes from a poor family but we did as well. Although we have worked our fingers to the bone and are doing rather well for ourselves now. When she & my son was dating they found out that she was pregnant and she was scared to death to tell us. We just hugged her and told her it would be ok that we weren't perfect & we certainly wouldn't judge her after all it takes two. Keep in mind that all this time we heard what a bad upbringing she had because her parents always put drugs before her so we kinda wanted to give her lots of love and make her feal welcome. They wanted to have a small wedding which my husband and I paid for and her parents didn't pitch in a dime. We asked if they would help with the reception which we were told they couldn't afford. Then we were asked at the reception (by one of the groomsmen) if we were going back to her families for the big barbq which we replied I suppose not since this is the first we have heard of it. Hurtful to say the least. Since nobody was giving her a baby shower some ladies in my family gave them one and all of her family was invited yet none of them showed up, not even her own mother. Again, supposedly couldn't afford to buy a gift. All she has to do is mention she wants something and we help her get it to be ready for the little one. Since they had no credit built up we helped them get a small place which just happens to be right next door to us, still no help from her parents. I was talking to my son one evening and I said that I wanted to get his face on video when the baby was being born. I only meant when he came out to update us in the waiting room or whatever but I guess it seemed as if I was expecting to be in the delivery room because he says mom... she only wants me and her mom in the delivery room with her. Again hurtful, mostly because I never intended on going in the delivery room . The last thing I want to see is her vagina~gross. They have lived in this house next door to us for 3 months now and I seldom ever stop by because I dont want to intrude on them and I dont want them to wish they didnt live so close. She has been over to our house next door one time only because our son was using our shop to work on her car. She drives 20 miles one way to see her mom every single day or her mom is at her house. I'm having a real hard time with this so tell me am I just a jealous hag of a mil or do I have the right to be a tad offended? After all it is us that goes out of our way to help her and she doesn't give us a second thought...makes me very sad. I'm not even excited about the new grandbaby anymore and kinda feal as if I shouldn't even to the hospital when the time comes.

Aww that's very sad. You're certainly generous and loving. She's too self absorbed to realize you deserve equal time.

Have you just asked her about things? Sometimes we let things cook up inside our heads till it boils over a mess. When simply saying "what did you mean when you said or done this?" May of explained everything. I don't know that is the case. I'm just asking.

Controlling Mother-In-Laws: Why do they do it?<br />
<br />
The root cause of your Mother-In-Law problems is often hidden deep in her unconscious. In her eyes, there is nothing wrong with her behaviour.<br />
<br />
Your Mother-In-Law may feel (consciously or not) like you have stolen her son. She is no longer the most important woman is his life. You have replaced her. She may be operating from a place of scarcity, rather than feeling like there is enough of his love/time/attention to go around. She may repeatedly test her son’s loyalty, forcing him to choose between her way of doing things and yours. Your husband is in a lose-lose situation, and is repeatedly set up to fail. All the worse for him if you do the same thing by repeatedly asking him to choose between his wife and his mother.<br />
<br />
Even the most intelligent and emotionally balanced parents feel some sense of loss when a child leaves the home permanently. The Mother-In-Law has to redefine her relationship with her son, as well as make room for a new relationship with you. She may initially try to ‘train’ you in family ways/customs/recipes. But if you try to change a family tradition or take your husband to your family events instead, then you are being selfish and he is being disloyal. <br />
<br />
Even the best in-law relationships experience some of this competition for loyalty. Depression, addiction, illness, divorce, religious/ethnic differences and financial woes can all make the situation much much worse. Don’t forget that she was also a Daughter-In-Law, and her relationship with her MIL will color your relationship. Perhaps discussing this past relationship with her could shed light on your situation – not solve it – but help you understand the root causes of her behaviour.

the truth of the whole dil from hell thing is this...... the sons choose these women and then get led around by the nose by them. i too do not like my DIL and i even went as far as not attending the wedding, being my son was talked into not liking his parents by her. i feel this is his bad choice and he has to live with it, not his father and i. he will find out how hard life is without his extended family and only have hers to rely on

"they are not allowed to watch their grandchildren be born"<br />
<br />
Ummmm, if you weren't there for the conception you should not be there for the birth. Why do you feel you even have a "right" to watch this? Is it YOUR body? I don't think so!

Her mother was there at conception? Eww

I am so happy to know Im not the only one going threw this, I can relate with everyone of the above storys.my DIL as of now has decided that we cant see our grandkids. my son will take her crap for all of the same reason stated above. its sad for the grandkids. but Im done playing her games. she even went as far as telling us not to buy them anything for christmas. go figure. i have to monster DILs and one soon to be DIL shes a sweet heart, I also have two SIL they are great guys. my husband says those to are in the bottom of the trash can to him,,, i think im agreeing with him, time to throw out the trash we will see the kids and tell them the truth when they get older I guess.....good luck with the bad words our sons married, but Im learning life moves on without them here everyday.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU!!!! Here is my story:<br />
My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship w/ him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for 2 years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner, just to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also. <br />
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shut up and swallowed because we didn't want to create a conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made clear that she is paying 120.00 for each guests to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her 240.00 dollars.<br />
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are 2 control freaks and just don't know what to say or do. WE definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but don't know how to tell this to him. PLEASE HELP.<br />
PS: NONE OF OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ARE INVITED TO THE WEDDING!!!!

They sound like monsters!

My DIL is a momma's girl. She & my son live out of state and when they come to visit thay always stay at her mom's house ( 10 minutes away ). I have never been allowed to watch the grandson - only her mom can. I gave her a gift cert. to Babies r Us and she bought her mom a car seat ba<x>se with it. I don't wan't to complain to my son because I don't want to come between him and his wife. I think I will write a scathing diary and leave it to him so he can see how much of a ***** she is when I am dead.

okay just my input here but I think you did the right thing by opening the lines of communications. And you are admiting that your son has issues in this as well. I think sometimes the DIL is blamed for things just on assumptions and no one really sees her side as well. <br />
I yes am the "hated" DIL in my situation, but will be a MIL one day. I would honestly LOVE to have good role models as MIL's becuase mine just is not. My mother yes has her faults as do I but she absolutely adores my children and her other grandkids and they are all treated equal...as a mother yes I have complaints with her but as a MIL she does pretty good. <br />
I have tried with his mother and her sons children never live up to her daughter's kids..she doesn't attend anything for them (we are all in the same town) and yes she is legally blind and can't drive but you know her friends can give her a ride to her other grandkids functions.. Sorry about my rant but <br />
I really want to say KUDDOs to you for trying to work through it!!!

A Mother has every right to deny the Paternal Grand-mother or any Grand-Mother to be at the birth of the Mothers child that is also the Fathers child. Because the Mother is the person who is birthing her child that is also the Fathers child. After the childs existence came from within the Mothers womb. After the childs Mother & Father only shared the moments they helped create that child together. <br />
<br />
Now as the Mother who grew the childs existence into life within her womb and is birthing her child that is also the Fathers child, It is up to the Mother, on whom she wishes to share those personal moments with upon birthing her baby that is also the Fathers baby and the moments after birthing her baby that is also the Fathers baby.<br />
<br />
If the Dad is not a threat to the security and comfort of the Mother and child it would be a moment made more beautiful by having the Father present around his child and the childs Mother during there childs birth and after there childs birth.<br />
<br />
Since it was only the babies Mother and Fathers bodies who were responsible for the childs conception in privacy. The Mother now carrying and birthing the child does not have to give up her body's right to privacy to someone she does not feel comfortable with seeing her naked in birthing her child. <br />
<br />
And the Mother also does not have to give up her right to feeling comfortable, with having someone around who makes her uncomfortable, while in labor, the pushing stages and during the first moments or hours after she birthed her child.<br />
<br />
If the childs Mother has made it clear she does not want her baby put through the stress of having someone the Mother does not feel comfortable with while its her body birthing her child. <br />
<br />
Or the childs Mother says she does not feel comfortable about using her body as an Exhibit to push her baby out of her body for a certain Grand-Mother to witness<br />
<br />
Then that Grand-Mother, becomes disturbing and selfish when trying to push the issue with the childs Mother or Father. Of how the Grandmother wants to be present when the Mother is birthing her child that is also the Fathers child. Or the Grand-Mother wants to be present in the moments right after the Mother has birthed her child that is also the Fathers child.<br />
<br />
And the Grand-Mothers that whine about not being present at the birth of there Grand-Child, may have been women who did not have there own childs Paternal or Maternal Grand-Mothers present while they birthed there own child. <br />
<br />
Because they were only comfortable with the childs Father being at the birth of there child. And not comfortable with the idea of having there childs Grand-Mothers or relatives present while they were in childbirth with there child. Or the idea of having a Grand-Parent or relative wanting to be at the birth of the child of the Mother and Father was never presented to the childs Mother.<br />
<br />
Also in the older days Grand-Parents/Relatives were not allowed in the room when the child was born, only the Mother giving birth and medical staff, who did not know the birthing Mother personally, where there to ensure a safe birth for Mother & Child. And to ensure that the birthing Mother had privacy, away from nosey relatives. But The childs Father/Grand-Parents/Relatives could get to see the newborn child from within the Nursery setting instead.

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Here are my comments:<br />
All of our sons are going a great job. This is because of us and the way we raised them. My daughter in law will always ask her parents to babysit. This makes me mad and I have to be quiet because I will not be able to see my grandchildren. if I disagree with them. I call my self the outlaw and hate having a daughter in law. She yelled at me at Easter because of the way I held the new baby. I am afraid to hold this child. She hates the clothes I buy them and treats me terrible. My son is always in her quarter and reminds me the mistakes I made in rising him.

JuicyGirl, reading your comment today made me feel sad. Its almost a darn if you do and a darn if you don't. You know that they aren't good together,yet its pure hell about those grand babies. I will remember you and your grandchildren in my prayers, My chin does stay up most of the time. Even if it has a lot of bruises. God Bless!

Haven't been here in a while -- my son and DIL have finally decided to divorce. Found out before our Easter visit. It is sad but perhaps the best for both of them. They are both lovely people but bad together. I will not say my son did no wrong - he did a lot wrong in the marriage - they both did - including mounting up a huge amount of debt. He chose to stay quiet most of the time (like me) because arguing stressed him out and you are correct, it didn't help. The children are trying to deal with it and fear their mother - so they are careful not to make her angry. I worry they aren't being allowed to express their sorrow. I will suffer because of this arrangement but will keep trying to be a part of the children's lives. My DIL says she wants me to be a part of the children's lives but who knows - once the divorce is final she can do anything she wants. Let's only hope! Thanks for your comments. Some of you are dealing with larger issues than "feelings". Keep your chins up and keep doing the best you can.

You are doing the right thing. I disagree with your husband. You cannot put your son on the spot.<br />
Your DIL is behaving the way she is because she is jealous and afraid the children may come to love you more than her. She sounds insecure. Keep doing what you are doing, as hard as it is. What goes around DOES come around - eventually.<br />
<br />
I have (a soon to be ex) dil from hell. I decided years ago that the best thing I could do for my son was make the attempt to get along with her. She is very insecure, so I praised anyting I could find to praise. I encouraged her and did everything I could including silently accepting her hurtful snide comments.<br />
I did my best to make my home a haven for the grandkids. <br />
Three months ago, they split. Yesterday was the birthday party for the youngest grandchild. My son (who has temporary custody) had it at a local eatery so that it would be in neutral territory. The soon to be ex dil brought her new live in boyfriend! My grandchildren are still processing their parents' separation and she is telling them she is going to marry this guy she's known less than a month!

Wow!! I was amazed at reading all that you've been through. And yes, I always thought it was the Evil Mother in law. Now, I have a son who is getting ready to marry a very nasty and mean girl. They've been living together for 9 years. She finally decided it was time to marry. Shes planned the wedding leaving his whole side of the family out. She invited her maid of honor to be my other sons EX who we all hate!!! Then she didn't even ask my son who he wanted for best man. She just took it upon herself to ask her brother!!! When my son has a brother!! That finally got straightened out. But, c'mon!!! I had 3 sons, my oldest died in 2001 so it was really important for my son to have his only brother stand up with him. But, my son who is getting married is so shy and non confrontational that he didn't even ask who his best man was. He didn't even know he was having one. <BR>Anyhow, I have always been bend over backwards nice to this girl. Even though she has talked behind everyone in our families back. When they come for Holidays, she sits in the living room by herself purposely trying to not associate with us. I simply cannot stand her. Well, no one in our family can stand her. My son is so shy he just kind of deals with it. His Dad recently remarried and now his new wife can't stand her either!!!

I have raised 4 son's. Two married and two still in collage. One son and his wife are in the army and doing well. The other married son is another story. His wife is hard to explain without sounding like science fiction. First let me say that right before or right after they both got on drugs. Really bad. I worried the entire time my DIL was pregnant. And my grandson was born 6 weeks premature and had to stay in N.I.C.U. for almost 2 weeks. But thank the good lord he is okay. I found out a lot later that she didn't go into the hospital for 2 days because she was afraid something would still be in her system. They have lived with my husband and I nearly their entire married life. I had a MIL that wouldn't hardly be involved with my boys , So I always said ,I would do anything I could to show any DIL I had that I would do anything in the world to help her and love her. But my DIL seems to hate my guts? Her family hurts her constantly. The times she's been in jail. I have bailed her out. I paid for her to get herself cleaned up in rehab and took complete care of my grandson for the 1st 10 months of his life so that she could. I have paid all bills, and paid for all clothing and diapers ect. that he has ever needed. I really don't even care if I never hear a single thank you. But what I am wondering is this. If someone is always there for you and your husband and baby. Always makes sure you have a place to sleep and something to eat. Makes sure your own family don't take your baby away from you. And if your son loves his grandmother and you knew she would die for him. Why wouldn't you at least try to be grateful? Not all MIL's are monsters. We are the people who raised the person you calm to love. The one you decided to have children with. If we are so horrible.How could you possibly love anyone we raised? I would love suggestions. I really care about this girl. She has been thru hell with her own family but keeps letting them hurt her. They always get back in touch when times are good. I always had hoped to be friends with my DIL's . The mothers of son's seem to get left out in the cold. Why? And the DIL's who have boys. Well, they need to remember how they treated their own MIL's . Because it will be their turn one day.

The reason she treats you badly is cuz you're enabling her & addicts always despise those who enable them. The best thing you can do is start attending Al-Anon meetings regularly; N-Anon if such exists. There you will learn to take care of yourself & set appropriate boundaries while continuing to be loving & compassionate, as you have been.

I am 27 and I feel as if I dont know it all. I have a bi polar mother. A schizophrenic father. was molested as a child. Seen my mother get the crap beatin out of her. I still deal with her mental issues when she calls me up at a givin time telling me her hallucinations. Your right. You dont know peoples upbringing and how it can affect them for the rest of there life. Age does not matter when it comes to experience because at age 8 I did more and knew more about the world then the average 8 yr old because I HAD TO GROW UP FAST. I just had to say that because it bothers me that you feel because your young people feel entitled to something and that we dont think about how our lives do affect our children. I will always try to provide a better life that what I have had. I feel no entitlement with my MIL. I know my MIL had it hard. Her mother father and sister died all in one car accident. Then my husbands father a year later. MY sister in law got pregnant at 14 she had to deal with that and other things. I do as a 27 yr old know what she faced maybe affects her relationships with people. If your DIL didnt want you to see the children trust me you wouldnt be at games or visiting. It seems to me you are too passive. You keep quiet too much to avoid confrontation but how do you know there will be any? If your sons are telling you their wives are bad mouthing you I really find it hard to believe they adore you. They would never want to hurt you like that. You might actually be shocked what you might accomplish if you spoke to your DIL. Tell her how you feel. Your feelings do matter!! If you try and still you find your the only one wanting that relationship then maybe you need to let it go. My MIL and I have had alot of issues. ALOT. She has done things to me that in my mind are unforgivable. BUT yeah know what no one is perfect and I am learning everyone deserves second and even third chances. I learned that I cant just rely on HER making every move. My son ADORES HIS NANA!!! I would never ever want any different no matter how I feel towards her. If your DIL are playing the grandkid card then they do need to grow up. When my MIL gives my son a valentines day card I Love that she loves him so much. I know though I have to try to with her and I actually have been after reading your story. IT is actually making a difference in our relationship. so thank you for sharing. I go and give her a hug and say how is it going instead of thinking SHE needs to do that. If you want to understand why. ASK. I hope you can find what your looking for. I hope you can work it out. AND STOP BEING SO QUIET:)

You are a dream.

By the way, I do not consider myself a Victim. I just want to understand WHY???

First of all I can tell you I have done nothing to my DIL's. I keep quiet about a lot - to the extent that I argue with my husband about it. He thinks I should speak up - I am concerned it will effect my seeing my grandchildren. <br />
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As a DIl I kept quiet so as not to cause arguments for my husband and them and as a MIL I have to keep quiet again. I do not like confrontation and like to keep the peace. Life is too short for arguments. Sometimes I don't think they realize they're being hurtful or selfish.<br />
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It irks them that the children love me. I send them goodie packages for Valentine's Day, always visit for Halloween and generally Easter. I try to visit as often as I can and try to be there for special events or just go to games, practices, etc. I enjoy being with them. I call and email as often as I can. For a while my one DIL blocked my email - for no reason. I realize to you all it sounds like I'm not saying it all - however, I am perplexed by these actions since I truly have done nothing to upset them. They perhaps are jealous that my sons respect and admire me. I wish I knew what it was - when conversations move around it they pretend nothing is wrong then speak to each other or my sons negatively about me. My husband speaks his mind and it doesn't bother him - but creates problems for me. (that's another issue)<br />
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When you're in your 30's you think you know it all. As a DIL I tried to put myself in my MIL's place and understand why she did certain things - given her upbringing, financial status, etc. Too many younger folks have a sense of entitlement.They don't know yet what mistakes they've made that their children will carry all their lives. It's easy to judge someone when you haven't walked in their shoes.<br />
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Memories are somewhat jaded toward the person who is doing the remembering... I know I have some old memories of my upbringing that when investigated weren't exactly how I remembered or perceived them.<br />
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Yes, you'll all be MIL's someday and I hope you remember these comments. Some people get lucky and have appreciative DIL's and others don't. I keep plugging and hope some day it will be appreciated.

My MIL would tell an identical story. Your DIL has a completely different one. My MIL plays the victim to everyone who will listen, how horrible I am and how badly I treat her. My MIL has said and done horrible things to me and my husband to the point that we no longer speak with her at all. As for my children with my husband, I keep my family informed...it is his job to inform his family if he chooses. My in-laws are rude and manipulating, they do not need to be in contact with people who feel it's their job to insult their mother. It's possible that you DIL does not her children influenced by your negativity toward her. How would you feel in her shoes? I have 3 sons and I just pray that when I become a MIL I will not do the things to my sons and DILs that my MIL has done to me, her sons, and grandsons... If I were you, Id look at what you've done to her as well as what she's done to you. It's not one sided, you played a part in this as well. You are not the innocent MIL who did nothing wrong...sorry.

You don't even know. You sound like my DIL, oh the terrible wrongs done to her, and not one she can actually name.

oh and I think you are wanting a realtionship with your DIL the way a mother has with her daughter. My mom is Bi polar and couldnt take care of me so my Aunt had to raise me. ( she is crazy in her own way) and i longed for a good realtionship with my mother in law but we have been thru to much. I am 27 now and we have been together since I was 15. married for 5 years.

Okay. I am a DIL of a very cold mother in law. I gave birth to my son 4 years ago and she ended up being in the delivery room ( not because I wanted her in there ) Just kinda happened. You do not want your mother in law seeing your VAGINA!!!! okay. Sorry that is something your son and his wife share together is the birth of a child. If her mother was there it is because she needs the support of her mother. If your son was so un happy he wouldnt still be married to her. You have no idea what goes on in closed doors. I cant stand my MIL and my 4 year old son adores her and I couldnt be happier! I never call my mother in law. She has done too much to me to ever have my respect. I use to live at her house for a year and a half and i wanted to kill myself!!! How do you know she doesnt like you. From a DIL point of you I wish my MIL would talk to me. Like really talk to me. Maybe if you talked with her it will pay off. Be nice and just say how you want a better relationship and ask her if you have done anything to make her upset? My MIL wont even appologize to me after my husband has told her that she made me cry. We are planning to have another baby and SHE WILL NOT BE IN THE ROOM THIS TIME! Sorry girl that is just a no no unless she asks you. My MIL wasnt in the room for her own daughters 5 births!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suggest you go above and beyond with the receptive DIL and her husband (your son) to ensure that DIL from hell will fail in making an alliance with each other and turn their husbands against you....anyhow she is not worth your extra time or effort. <br />
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She sounds like she will beat the horse until it is DEAD. I have one like that but I also have a real nice DIL.<br />
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Sons do listen to their wives, some more so than others. It's an insecurity thing.

Juicy Girl,<br />
I feel your pain.<br />
After almost 13 years I ended my relationship with my DIL as of 1-4-09.<br />
I want my relationship with my son and Grandchildren to continue as it has been but, that will be up to them. They will have to live with their choice, as will I.

Type your comment here...

I do not have a daughter and wish I did. I feel mothers of sons are penalized and left out. I was hoping that I could have a relationship with at least one daughter in law. They are both lovely ladies however I guess I was hoping for more of a relationship than I'm getting. I feel it is one sided. I try to keep the communication open but somehow get lost. As I've said when I'm visiting it's great and when I leave I feel as though I am forgotten. I've made a little peace with my DIL and she has been lovely. Perhaps it was time to vent for both of us. My son has not been totally honest with her about his parents and that has been problematic. We're working on it. Sorry you don't have a good relationship with your Mom. It seems the ideal situation for your MIL. Keep up the communication.

sorry and yes this is a place to vent... i my self have a wonderful mother in law and i do wish that i would call her more, but i find it hard to find conversation because i have only met her twice and me and my husband live in another state and he hardly speaks to his parents he just text messages them mostly but they get along pretty well ... she is a sweet woman and its funny when my husband and i are having issues and because we just got married i will call her mostly to just get a better understanding of my husbands personallity and i never talk crap to her or blab about our problems.... but she is always there to help me through any issues and funny more often than not takes my side.... i joke with my husband that his parents love me more then him and they want to adopt me... funny thing is that my own mother is quick to take my husbands side but we try to keep family out of our issues if possible.....<br />
i always wished that i hadd the amazing MNL DNL relationship you see on Tv i think that is what most people have in mind, but in your case you might have to realize what your DNL is capable of .... she has a lot of flaws and isnt capable of being that for you ... its like chasing a dream.<br />
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i had a certain idea of what my relationship should be with my own mother all while i was growing up.... i wanted her to be a place of comfort and a person who saw my worth in the world... my mother is by no way a bad mother she just isnt capable of giving me the warm fuzzy that i thought a mom should give... she never taught me how to cook because she cant.....she never taught me how great i was because no one ever taught her.... that was something that i had to realize about my mom and now that i know her limits i dont expect anything above that and i try to focus on the positives my mother loves me but has a hard time showing it or shows it in ways i would rather not have it shown, but none the less this is who she is and she is and will be this the rest of my life.... now that i dont stress about it and im not constantly trying to please her and be all " like me like me... dont you think im special see how special i am..." we have a better relationship and now she is starting to try and give me the warm and fuzzy relationship.... it is still very hard to tell my own mother i love her, but now she has started to do it everytime we get off the phone and i feel bad that i dont say it back verbally but i rarely did even growing up....<br />
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DO you have a daughter amongst your boys ? if not you might be trying to have the realationship you think that you would have had with your own daughter... with your DNL??? just a thought?

Thank you sothisme and navyvet. My son is aware of how things are. I don't discuss it much with him because I don't think that's how a MIL should act.So I suffer silently. He knows I try very hard and that there is no pleasing this woman. He is staying with her for now for the children but is realizing that may not be the best thing either. I'd hate to see the breakup of a family - but she is poison to him. The children are stressed by the anger, hostility and running around. She is definately the "you can't have my kids" type. This has been my concern over past years, however, why is she allowed to continually hurt me with her lies and martydom? and I have to keep quiet? It is affecting my health. We only have so many years left and I have sacrificed my health and well being to see the children. She still continues to cause pain and hurt. <br />
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The children adore me and she can't stand it. That's probably a big part of her hostility - because no matter what she does I continue to do great things with and for the children. I think you are correct that they will see who is the nicer person. They fear her - I'd rather be respected than feared.<br />
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I have another daughter in law who is much more laid back but not warm and fuzzy either. The DIL from hell is filling her head with negativity. She and my other son typically see through it but there is an "outlaw" bond between them. They live 2 miles apart.<br />
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I'm very conflicted - I always look forward to visiting and come home with a heavy heart. I am typically a "make it happen" person so it frustrates me not to be able to "fix" this or make it better - it hasn't been for lack of trying on my part. To speak to DIL - she is the one who tries all the time - she is clueless. Glad I could vent here - it helps just to put my feelings into words and have some compassion. Most of my friends have nice daughter in laws - at least they're not talking about it and neither do I. It would be nice to have a compatriot to vent to. No one can really fully understand all the intrigue first hand but it helps to just VENT.<br />
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About her family - they have more neurosis and hang ups than any family I know - of course she'll think (or act like) they're better - She did move far away after college but came back when she reconnected with my son (lucky me) Now because she needs them to help with the children and run around they can do no wrong - phony - user.<br />
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Thanks

Just 1 suggestion. You could take your son to the side & explain the things you have listed here. You might point out to him that you are merely informing him of your thoughts on the matter, & that this is where it ends.<br />
This way, you have explained your position & vented, which is always good. And, at the same time given your son the respect to handle it in his own way.<br />
But, I believe you should not be stressed over a situation that you are mostly unable to effect, in a certain way. <br />
Hang in there, kiddo! When the grandkids get older they will see things as they really are. Plus they will see you as being the calm one, generously extending your respect (to the DIL) even when it is not deserved. They will want to be more like you than anyone!

well first i mean if you think about it ... she is always going to think her parents are better because after all they are her parents... she sounds a little bratish .. but i dont think that she is worth it to cause all of the stress if you were to confront her plus it will give her a reason to be like oh you cant see my kids which she sounds like the type... and it would cause probs with you and your son.. he is having sex with her so he will side with her.... just realize her for what she is a brat and just focus on your grand kids , but dont let her be a ***** either when she is around you...but if she wants to have her stinky attitude then let her...