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At Wits End With My Dil

I don't hate my daughter in law but I'm coming close. Mothers of sons are penalized by DIL's - they are not allowed to watch their grandchildren be born and are never as good as HER parents or never do anything as well as HER parents. HER parents come first. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE THESE ISSUES?

I don't live near them, however, I do a fabulous job in visiting and attending events that the grandchildren have such as dance recitals, sports, holidays, etc. I go with the flow and frequently spend my visits running around from activity to activity.

I have been deeply hurt by actions and comments of my DIL. I have kept quiet so as not to cause additional arguments with my son. She is rigid, always right and doesn't support our son emotionally. He is not perfect but he tries really hard and nothing is ever enough as it isn't with me either. No matter how much is done it is not appreciated.

I can't understand her actions - I have done nothing to deserve her attitude - it's always all about her and how much she does. The children are over stimulated in that they have TOO many activities causing running around and stress. She is resentful if our son is traveling for his job and cannot shuffle the children to and fro. It's ridiculous.

I have gotten into numerous arguments with my husband over this - I hate for him to be correct in that it's all a big, nasty game to her. I keep trying and keep getting hurt - he offers no support because he thinks I should speak my mind. I only keep at it for the grandchildren and my son but it's getting way too difficult.

Any advice??? Thanks

 

 

JuicyGirl JuicyGirl 56-60 76 Responses Dec 8, 2008

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I find it interesting that so many DIL's are responding and placing all of the blame on the MIL. Being in a very similar situation I want to say that this is not about being in the delivery room or not. It is about how every single holiday, special occasion, weekend, dinner whatever is always about the DIL's family. We are just an afterthought and as for the comments regarding how the DIL's family treats them better etc. etc well of course they do! what do they have to complain about every holiday or special occasion always includes them. They are not the ones who have to 'schedule" and then be told to have Thanksgiving on the Sunday after so their child can spend it with "her" family, they are not expected to celebrate all birthdays including their own at the convenience of their DIL. I really would like to understand how and why it is always ok for us to change our plans and dates and how am I supposed to feel like I matter when everything I plan, especially for a holiday occasion must not disrupt "her" families plans.

this is none of your business. If she wants them in activites, that is good! Children who are involved in more activities are well adjusted and less likely to engage in risky behaviors in the teen years. Leave her alone.

@Husbandandwife4life: preach it Girl! I think you hit this dead on. I'm not saying every MIL is like this. In fact, my mother in law is absolutely amazing, it's my husband's step mother that isn't my cup of tea. My husband had no relationship with his father because of his step mother, and none of them even came to our wedding!!! They don't care how badly this hurt my husband. They said when we have children, they will "consider letting me be apart of their family" but until then, I get the worst treatment! Some people are nuts, it's that simple.

To all the mother in laws-
Was your mother in law in the birthing room with you?
Would you like your mother in law telling you how to raise your sons?
would you like living with your in laws?
I'm so sure you wouldn't!
You women think that you are the only ones with maternal instincts.
Sorry to break it to you but we have it too now so BACKKK OFF OUR CUBSSSS!
And as far as your son goes if you raised a real man he would do everything in his power to provide for his wife and kids and focus on his new family and pleasing them.
As for our mothers...well my mother doesn't feel like my husband is a threat to our relationship.as for you your just jealous there's a woman he loves more.
Get over it. If our husbands wanted to see you they would. What do you really think we lock the windows and hide the keys? You are crazy.

Actually many DIL's are jealous of their MIL's bond with their son if you want to know the truth. Many DIL's feel compelled to show the MIL that they're in control and their husband better show their alliance to them. I see so many DIL's villanize their MIL's. If they were truly respecting their husband and his desire for you to get along with his family, they would do everything in their power to get along with them. You rationalize your open hatred for MIL's all the while your husband is perhaps silently resenting it. You are also setting an example for your children in showing them that you accept and promote family conflict.

I don't really believe this is true either it truly depends on family situations. When I met my husband his story was he moved to Florida away from his mother just a few months after graduation, he helped care for his ailing grandmother and when she passed his mother was infuriated that he would not move back up north where she was at, he liked the Florida weather and decided to live with his aunt. We met, got engaged a year later and his mother began to make more frequent visits, I always had my suspicions that she didn't like me, but figured until she made it clear she didn't I'd ignore that instinct as I got along with everyone fabulously and the reason I suspected is she made faces when she'd hear about details of our life and disagree with some of what she heard. However all came erupting after I shared something on facebook about my husband not coping well after his accident and we were going to explore possibly getting him into counseling to help him cope. I posted with my husband telling me to go ahead and share it, his mother didn't like this and instead of talking to me she ranted I was exploiting and manipulating him and began to insult me, I repeatedly told her I would not engage in hateful words and when she was ready to talk to me without being insulting I would talk to her then. My husband saw her outburst at me as being jealous, I definitely don't like being in this position because no matter who it is that explodes you are leaving him with a choice to choose and it's not what I wanted for my husband to do, I really have tried to get along with her and since I know she holds grudges I don't want to be around her, thank god she lives out of state, but now my husband refuses to call her and says the ball is in her court, that it is up to her. Even worse yet she never called him after realizing he isn't coping well after his accident, he told me growing up both parents told him boys are tough and don't cry so I think this is real problem is I support my husband emotionally. I've never had reason to feel jealous of her, but i do think it goes both ways.

I hope you have some sons. Karma is a b***h. Son in laws think it is normal for a daughter and her mom to have a close relationship. They don't get jealous and put her under a microscope to exagerate any perceived slight and hold onto it for dear life to try to get a daughter to distance her own mom. They realize that if everyone is just a little more easy going everyone will be happy and there will be peace. Men like peace. They end up distancing their mom's to keep the peace with you cause you stir up the chaos over nothing.

I thought that was hilariously eloquent, Husbandandwife4life, but then, I\'m not a MIL. Frankly, I\'m only reading these because I\'m the sister of a Mama\'s boy. This might come as no consolation, but I suspect you online MILs and DILs have more in common with eachother than you realize. You\'re just similar well meaning women dealing with jerks at different stages in your lives. I say this because I know that deep down my mother knows she\'s the problem, so I doubt she\'d complain on some online forum.

She actually does want my brother to grow up. That\'s why she pushed him to get married. She just doesn\'t want the pressure to come from her, so she dumps all of the responsibility for that on his \"shrew\" wife. I know this because being the shrew who forced my brother to grow up used to be my responsibility until I quit. I finally decided to treat him like some spoiled neighbor kid who had a completely different set of parents. No matter how much Mom bragged to me about how she was coddling him, and no matter how unfair it was to me, I just ignored her and stopped taking the bait. I was immune to jealousy, though the disparate treatment had grown absurd. She could no longer forward e-mails from me to him, or complain to him that she had to make him get a job because I had complained about how unfairly she treated us. Sure, she could lie to him about what I\'d said, but it was easier to push him to get married so his wife could nag him. So that\'s what Mom did.

She does want him to eventually learn responsibility, just not from her. That way, she will always have one child who thinks she is gold to make up for the other one, who is sick of her. She now treats her DIL poorly to get the DIL to force her son to cut the apron strings. That\'s honestly her goal, but she pretends it isn\'t, to get her DIL to do the dirty work. I can\'t even help my SIL out because, if I tell her what\'s up, she\'ll probably just divorce my brother and he\'ll never grow up. The only thing I\'m grateful to my mother for is that she treats her DIL just as poorly as she treats her daughter. It\'s nice to finally have a friend in the family.

1 More Response

It sounds like you have big issues.
I'm wondering why you think that you have any right to be in the delivery room?
The birth of their child does not involve you- as the grandparent you are able to be part of the child's life after birth (that is if you don't hurt the relationship between you and your DIL by pursuing these silly demands).
I understand that you only have son(s), but that does not mean that your DIL should let you be in the room during this intimate moment.
Why are you trying to ruin this day for your son and DIL. They are starting a new family- you are now extended family- their immediate family does not involve you- why wont you let them have this very important moment in their lives?
I'm sure she isn't as bad as you are making it out to be. It sounds like you are having issues letting your son go and start his own family. Maybe that's something that you should work on. You should also work on being friends with her instead of going on message boards and complaining about her- or complaining about her to your husband and son. These things really aren't going to help your relationship with her and will in turn prevent you from seeing your grandchild as much as you would like to.
As far as her wanting her own mother in the delivery room... your son is not the one giving birth to the baby. Especially if it is her first baby, she is probably very nervous and unsure- having her mother there will not only give your son a break, but it will put her at ease which in turn will contribute to the well-being of your grandchild. Stop taking this personally and recognize that although you are her husband's mother, you are a virtual stranger to her. She probably has girlfriends that she's known longer that she wouldn't feel comfortable having in the room with her during this intimate and nerve-wracking moment.
Not supporting your son emotionally... really? Are you living in the house with them to observe this? She is probably so anxious when you come to visit (she knows that you think she isn't good enough for your son) that some of the stress is taken out on him. This is unfortunate, but it's just how it is. The best thing that you can do for your son is to be more accommodating. You are a visitor in their house- you should not be telling her how to run things.
Hopefully this helps.
Maybe a bit harsh- and you will probably respond defensively, but in reality the only person you are hurting is your son and the relationships that you really care about (your son and grandchild) will be the ones that suffer.
I would think before you become confrontational and simply work on the relationship between you and your DIL.

I have to agree with this comment. My MIL was incredibly hurt when I told her my mom would be in the delivery room with me. We're not even pregnant yet, but she was in tears! Yes, I do deeply struggle with my MIL, but it wasn't a personal shot. My husband will be there and my mom. They both know me very well, they understand how I need to be encouraged. I'm a deeply private and modest person and really don't want my MIL in the room because it would make me so uncomfortable being so exposed.

At least you didn't take offense to her upset. I don't know why someone would take it personally. Yes, she is missing out, and her feelings on that are valid, but so are yours. It's unfortunate for her that she won't experience the birth of her grandchild, if that's what she really wants, but if you are uncomfortable, so be it. I think in the middle of labor, I didn't even know who was there or not haha but to each their own experience.

"A son is a son, until he finds a wife" or something like that! When my children got married, I knew I had to let go! They are not my responsibility anymore or so i thought!! I will always love them but I am not one them MIL who just drops in at their house for no reason! BUT my daughter in law thinks she can ask for anything whenever she wishes but don't get involved in my life kinda thing! Well, let me tell you something,honey! you don't want your in laws involved in your lives? Don't ask for favors! Don't asked me for money to pay your home taxes, don't asked me to pick up the children from school everyday! Don't asked to keep them on weekends when you want to get away for a little fun! You' used me but I know you well now and you are not playing that game with me because you blackmail me with the children! I rather suffer than give in to your in matured games! Some man up there need to grow some you know what! specially my son!

That little poem must've been written by a controlling dil. Family is always.

Actually, it's from the bible.

She's just insecure and will find fault with whatever you do or don't do. Try not to best yourself up. It's her failure, not yours.

I think if MIL cared about their sons as much as they say they do they would really focus on what they can do to strengthen their relationship with their DIL.. and encourage the relationship instead of making things worse, for example, talking trash to their son about his wife. I think MILs need to stop being a problem,learn to be good mothers and grandmothers.

Same goes for DIL's! They need to remember that if weren't for us mothers you wouldn't have that men by your side! We gave birth to those husbands with such mean mothers remember? Most girls today are so insecure that they are jealous of their husband's mothers! They have a lot of growing up to do! My only wish for this type of DIL's is this- with any luck, you all be in our shoes one day! One day you all will have a DIL! And that's called " Sweet Karma"

I couldn't have said it better!

Ctyofangels,

I completely agree with you. I think DILs should NEVER bad mouth their husbands MILS- same with MILS bad mouthing DILS. I feel its just wrong and petty. I think every story &experience is different. I feel in some cases, it\'s the MIL who is extremely jealous and insecure, and in others its the DIL.

I know with my own experience.. I have a \"future MIL\" Who is very subtle with her insults when my fiance is around, but is very mean when he isn\'t... She calls my Fiance multiple times a day... he never blows her off either -I wouldn\'t want him too. He stayed at home with his parents till he was 29, He is 32 now has lived with me. He is her first born son. It kills me that I don\'t have a strong relationship with her but Im hopeful when we are married she may act different, its possible.. but not probable unfortunately. I will continue to be polite even when she\'s rude... but I always spend xmas and holidays comfortable with my parents, and I try to only visit her when I absolutely have too. I wish things were different but they are not, I can\'t change her. We can\'t change anyone.. we only have control over our own actions and I prefer to not stoop to her level.

I have sim issues, however, it is my step son married to the DIL and my husband who I feel really has been given the shaft the most. It started with their wedding and the way our entire family was kept on the fringes of it. My husband, who should have been with his son getting dressed for his big day was excluded from that honor in place of HER father. When it came time for photos, their photographer seemed like he was trying to avoid us. They asked our family to pose for two photos out of the 250 they had the guy take. There was no personal photo of my husband and his son. We dont have a poor relationship with her, we have a nothing relationship with her. And she seems to keep it that way.Though son tries to include us in events, she does not even make an effort. We are def put last on her list for everything. Most times,we are an after thought. We did notice how she had made a huge effort though to have a relationship with MY in-laws which makes no sense to us. They didnt raise my husbands son..they didnt babysit the kid while the parents worked and they had occasional visits with him as they lived several cities away. So her going over board to facilitate a relationship them and not us, is bizarre. We feel our relationship with the son has suffered from this behavior. He rarely visits us anymore and pretty much excludes us from his personal life. At first I thought she acted this way because I am a step mother to him...but now I have no clue. I feel your pain in feeling excluded. You have this idea in your head that another family member is being added to your family and your going to have a relationship with them...and then that doesnt happen and it leaves you wondering what the heck you did wrong....

Oh god. Not watching your DIL give birth isn't meant to be penalizing. It's a private moment. Adult women with strong bonds with their mothers need them their for support. It's not about seeing the grandbaby being born. Its a comfort issue for a difficult moment in a woman's life. Penalized. Please! A lot of women have poor relationships with their mothers. I'm more comfortable telling my mother what to do and not to do to which she doesn't take offense to, but listens and corrects. We have a rhythm and the history to know it's not personal. I can't do this with my MIL because she picks a part everything much like you seem to be doing. My husbands failure to smooth things with his parents is the cause of the problems. This is what upsets me. I'm under a microscope and I get to a point where I just don't care. Your son is married. They live as they choose and you're being hurtful by doubting her mothering. Everyone's family is different and that is not your family. It's now become a cycle of two people being constantly defensive.

My daughter is a very giving person. Her MIL only has boys so she has never been allowed to experience the birth of a grandchild so when asked, she allowed MIL and myself, her mother, to be present. I was very proud of my daughter. There was no modesty issue; obviously you are always covered and she doesn't have to be at that end of the bed. My daughter was generous enough to empathize with her MIL to see that if she didn't allow her that experience, she would never have it otherwise. I couldn't be more proud of her. I'm not saying their relationship is 100% perfect but that doesn't exist in any relationship. If she complains about her I remind her of the MIL's strengths; that we all have weaknesses, just as you do.

Your daughter ma'am is very gracious! Raised well! I may be wrong? But I want to believe most of us want to get along. A complete family. I don't expect any of my DILs to be my BFF. But I expect the respect I give to be returned. I'd NEVER give any one the joy of knowing they hurt me tho. Stubborn that way. :-)

You just made me cry

I believe its the woman in labor's right to decide who is there while the baby is born. I chose MY mother and my husband. Mil got to wait in the waiting room. I don't care, I wasn't comfortable with her there, my mother and I are close, she has seen my intimate parts for years, and obviously my husband has too. I've known my mil impersonally for a few years. Why the he!! would I let her in the room where I'm half naked???. Its not Mil's day, I'm the one squeezing the watermelon out of my body... Mil's feelings are not on my priority list.

A daughter is naturally closer to her mother. It happens. Did YOU choose your husband's family over your own? Unlikely.

To me it sounds like some women need hobbies. A marriage already has enough going on with only 2 people involved. They don't need a meddling mother interfering with their private relationship.

Spot on girlfriend

I really do hate my daughter in law with a passion but don't show it and grit my teeth.
My son suffers from schizophrenia and is an alcoholic and is currently at end stage. I could lose him very soon.
They have been together 14 yrs and have 3 children.
They live in a hectic house with the kids running riot on coca cola and sugar.
She is paid to be my son's carer but has not cared for him EVER. She enables him to drink and always has done. She laughs at his mental illness and calls him a freak.
She has control of finances yet she gets behind with rent and bills. She thrives off doorstep loans. I advise her as much as I can but it goes in one ear and out of the other.
My son is a good parent but when he gives the children discipline my daughter in law yells at him.
When my son comes to stay with me he doesnt drink and tells me how he needs help and wants to give it up. But as soon as he goes home to motormouth he hits the bottle. She gives him no encouragement at all. She is thick as anything and doesnt understand his illness. I would love him to get rid of her but I will be quiet and pray they break up.

How can an active alcoholic be a good father? It seems like your son can do no wrong. Honey, if their kids are running riots, then I have to question his parenting as well as hers. And unless your DIL is holding a gun to your son's head demanding him to get hammer drunk, it's quite unfair to blame his addiction illness on her. Your son is sick, and is an addict.

I\'m sorry for your son.. one of my family members is an addict. I know the one thing we have to learn is that no one else is to blame but themselves. I think if you realized that and didn\'t team up with your son blaming the wife for his problems. It take 2 to raise children, and its obvious that they are BOTH bad parents. I really hope he gets help. A lot of people with mental illness self medicate instead of accepting the issues and getting the right treatment and care to help fix the issues. You blaming his wife is actually preventing him from realizing HE has the power to change and get sober...no one is bringing him down but himself!

My husband and I have never said anything negative to our daughter-in-law or to our son about our daughter-in-law. We have watched their daughter for over 9 months, travel time of 2 hours a day for us. When babysitting their daughter, we pick up, launder the babies clothes and make sure the kitchen is cleaned up each day. We varied from the daughter- in-laws strict routine giving the now 1 year old an extra bottle two days in a row because she was very fretful and had awakened 2 hours earlier than normal those days. We were chastised by our daughter in law and told she and our son were the parents and they would make all decisions. And, that we were to not give them any advice. We were not thanked or was it recognized by the daughter-in-law, that we had addressed their daughter's need when she was having a difficult day. From this incident, we have found out how very insecure some daughter-in-laws are and that they would rather neglect a need of their own child then admit a son's parents might be right about something. I have 6 friends who all have sons and 5 of them say their daughter-in-laws are very difficult. My own sister said don't give a DIL any advice unless you think the child life is in danger and then they probably still won't listen to you. The experience of my friends and sister are DIL have no use for MIL's no matter how nice you have been to them.

Had to laugh when I read the part about the extra bottle of milk. Silly woman, it's not like you and hubby ever raised any children, how would you know how to act around them? Oh, yeah, right -- you raised DIL's husband! Go figure.

Hah, my DIL had a long list of "rules" I was to follow when I watched my granddaughter. One day I had watch the baby at their house. DIL decided that I gave the baby far too much cereal (it was a small bowl) and added, "No more cereal" to the list of rules. Months down the road my son is watching me feed granddaughter (in my house) and asked, "Why don't you give her some cereal with bananas? She loves that!" I looked at him aghast and said, "What? NO! I can't do that! 'No cereal' is one of the rules!!!!!" Turns out they had "changed" that rule and didn't tell me.

The best way we've found, to get along with her, is to minimize the contact. Works for her, works for us - and we don't miss her a bit.

In another post i think you wrote that your dil was the one to tell you to give the cereal again. The inaquracies in the story might suggest that you take things too seriously and twist the storyline just to make your dil the bad guy. Maybe she would not seem half as bad if you did not pay that much attention to the bad stuff. Also, she probably just told you not to give any more cereal that day as the baby had had enough already. I am not trying to be mean, i just believe there is tension where it could not be.

As I have neither the time nor the inclination to "review" past posts, it was sort of both of them. My son asked me when he was here why I didn't give her cereal. However, DIL would send me emails (which is why I know her cereal edict wasn't just for the day) with the baby "rules." As I did NOT have a followup email telling me that it was okay, I was still using her old rules. After my son asked her about it, I did get a followup email telling me that cereal was now acceptable.

I am very serious about minimizing the contact tho, so unless we have to be around her, there is very little to no tension. When we have to deal with her (like the holidays), I can always count on something I say getting her upset. Case in point? I made a comment at Christmas that I really liked baby clothes, especially little girl dresses, etc., and that if I won the lottery, I'd spend it all on clothes for the grandbaby. First of all, it was an off the wall comment - no, I actually, seriously, would NOT do that. I rarely buy her clothes now, I only keep a few things here in case she spills something. DIL actually started ripping me up one side and down the other for the comment. Finally my nephew told her that she needed to keep it in perspective and not to worry about it unless, and until, it happened. (DUH!)

I'm guessing that you're a DIL - and you might be a wonderful one. There are both kinds on both sides, bad DILs and bad MILs. That's why there are sites for each side to vent on.

Im the EVIL DIL who didn't want my MIL in the room when I gave birth to my child. And guess what.... I wanted MY MOM and husband in there and that is exactly what I got. My mil threw a fit, but my husband stuck up for me and MY WISHES. I was the one going through labor. I make the call who's in the room.

That being said, I have a very strained relationship with my mil. I find her overbearing and unfortunately in the beginning of my relationship with my husband I pretty much let her plow over me because I "didn't want to start things off on the wrong foot." Big mistake. Now that I am not accommodating to her wants its been a nightmare.

It's caused problems in my marriage. I am stressed out about what she's going to be like on our visits. Everyone seems to be afraid of her. I just got really tired of walking on eggshells around her. It's gotten worse since the baby is here.

I guess I came on this site to try and see things from MILs point of view. But I just feel like she got to have her family time. What about my husband and I? Don't we get to have that time too?

This woman has driven me to stomach ulcers. It's horrible. Everything has to be about her and what she wants. It's exhausting.... And depressing.

Try not to compete with the wife MILs seriously. Your son has chosen a spouse. If HE wants to see you, HE will. If he doesn't, it's not the evil dils fault. He is a grown man.

Wow, I could have practically written this, except for the fact that for me, it hasn't caused marital problems. Also we don't have kids (yet?) and might never be able to, but I agree with you that she had NO business being there. Earlier on in our relationship, I guess looking back one could say that I let my MIL plow right over me, but I was just trying to be nice and understanding - I didn't expect much from her at all, in fact I tried to do as much as I could to be there for her and be the 'bridge', so to speak, I wanted to help my husband be closer to his own family. Huge mistake. I agree that MILs should not consider it a competition with their DIL - in fact, if they are lucky enough to have a DIL like me, they should appreciate every thing she does for her, because it is NOT a given, and there is NO NEED to have a bunch of made-up problems. DILs are people who love and who have feelings, MILs should act like that matters at least a little bit.

A woman with only sons may only have that one chance to witness her grandchild being born. She's not interested in your hoohah or intruding or taking anything away. It would cost you nothing to try to be a little understanding instead of condescending and sarcastic. As you have feelings, so does a mil. As your life is beginning and growing, so could hers be, but selfish DILs make sure she's pushed aside because they're the only ones who matter. A mil is a mother, who loved and raised your husband. She is not an inconvenience or an out if date appliance. Really a lot of selfishness poured out of this post.

I was blessed and yes even a little spoiled by our 1st DIL. She's always polite and just NICE.
I've seen MILs and DILs that nice wouldn't matter. But it does to me.

I'd like to know where this generation of GPs gets off DEMANDING that they have "rights" to see their GKs being born? Child labor is NOT a spectator sport. If you werent there for the conception of the child what makes you feel so entitled to be there for the birth?

NEWSFLASH: Your GKs birth has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, the GP - HOWEVER it does have everything to do with the woman in labor ( aka your evil selfish DIL) and HER BABY. Therefore, her wants, needs and wishes trumps YOURS period end of story. If she doesnt want you there during HER medical procedure respect that.

How is it a DILs fault that you as a MIL only had sons not daughters and wont witness your GK being born?

How SELFISH of the MIL to EXPECT her DIL to fullfill the MILs WANTS AND NEEDS surrounding the birth of the GK. Did your parents DEMAND to see your kids be born then promptly throw an adult sized tantrum when theif demand wasent met? Im guessing not.

My GPs never demanded that they be in the delivery room. Heck MY MOM has never been in the delivery room w any of my kids or my sister in laws kids. (And she has a pretty good relationship with ALL of the GKs despite not being there while they were born. Shocking isnt it?)

I just think its the Boomer Generation, in general. They are so used to getting their way, they feel entitled to everything and think everyone owes them something. Perhaps this is why more DILs have MIL issues and why there are more GPs cut off from their GKs than any other generation before them.

Allowing a MIL that will never experience seeing a grandchild born otherwise, in to see the birth is very giving. Who is the selfish one here? The MIL is not trying to intrude but to be a part of a very special moment that you don't want to share simply because she's not YOUR own mother. How sad.

Amen Sister!!

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This describes my experience. My husband died earlier this year and I am still treated in the same way by my dil, - as if I dont exist, or am of no importance. She never rings or shows any interest in me, even if I send little presents for the grandchildren, which I love to do. I have done nothing to deserve this. I have always accepted her and put myself out to accommodate her needs with food, (she's veggie), but if I ever go to their house, she never cooks or does anything for me (us, when my husband was alive) it is down to our son to go to the supermarket to get some home or soup. Unbelievable, all but one of her family have moved to live in the same town and they have a sort of family mafia, of which I am definitely not considered a member. Her parents didn't even ring or write to express any sympathy when my husband died which continues to hurt me deeply. My husband and I made a lot of financial sacrificies to help them buy their home, - even buying their last two homes so they wouldn't have the worry of having selling. I have given my dil some family jewellery, and would give more, except she never wears it or seems to appreciate anything to do with me. Quite apart from just about all her family living in the same town, as if that isn't enough, they also go off to her parents house for a big family holiday. I get to see them a couple of days only, and it is never negotiable, there is always some reason why they have to get back, and there is a fuss about the journey, - but this doesn't seem to matter when they go abroad to see her parents. I continually help out financially, - no thanks, in fact I suspect that my son asks for my help, but then keeps it to himself that I have given him a sub. She is very very extravagant, does not work, garden, cook, decorate, just zilch. My son does his best but I can see he is struggling and out of love for him I want to help. My husband was a bit tougher than me, he just said that our son had made his bed and would have to lie on it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

you sound like a nasty piece of work lady. she probably puts her parents first because they remember that the kids are HER kids and your son's kids, not YOUR kids. And she has every right to sent her kids to activities. Maybe you should remember YOUR mother-in-law didn't tell you how to raise your son and back the hell off

Exactly.

OMG - are we one and the same person? I am getting to hate two of my daughter in laws. The first one is really crazy - 3 yrs. ago she was emailing and/or texting or calling my son at his work 100+ times a day - they almost got divorced. We tried to be supportive and not judgmental. She is socipathic narcissistic...borderline...anyway, her assaults turned to us - she told my son we were too aggressive (like asking when we would be ble to see the baby - maybe once a month worked for her, but not for me - once a week woudl hae been wonderful and I'm talking only an hour or so! Anyway, the grandbaby is now almost 4 and we have not had her at our hosue alone except for once. She came with an inflamed bottom and the DIl told my son WE did it. Son is stupid. Love him to death, but after the big blow out (she hadn't given him sex in 2 years (when she got pg, she stopped), so after that she started giving him sex and he's madly "IN LOVE." He never dated much and married at age 30, stating on his wedding day he had married someone HOT. I'm so sick with grief I dont' even know what to share next - just know that there is nothing I can do. But I am starting to hate her...she is influencing the second daughter in law who thinks I'm too aggressive (uh, I can't tell you why, 'cause I really don't know) - she also likes to keep our son from us. They cornered the third son's wife and told her how awful we were and guess what? She came to us and cried and said that was not her experience and now she won't have anything to do with them at all. So, the 2 mean ones have disrupted our family. I'm intimidated by them - I was a teacher for a long time and these girls rank up there with mean girls every time...I'm soo sad. I try to be nice to them. Buy them gifts. Don't email or bother them and allow them to make the first move (the complaint was that I was too clingy, so I am not now)...can't win for losing...soooooo sad. I feel I've lost the oldest son for sure and sometimes the middle one - thank God the youngest loves us and feels we are good parents...and so does his wife.....

That's the game DILs like that do...they withhold in one way or another which causes any parent who is being treated that way to become very intense about wanting to be treated better.....and then call the MIL all sorts of things, like "aggressive", etc. They are just manipulative girls, and know what they are doing. She is yanking your chain. And they play on your fear too (fear of not seeing your son or, if they have kids, your Grandchildren.)

And you are absolutely right, about Mean Girls. It is the bully phenomenon called Mean Girls and they like to outcast, isolate and abuse. Good videos on youtube about Mean Girls syndrome, by the way.

Then they stomp their feet and cry about how it's all about them and their wishes, but they're not selfish or demanding, right?

I can totally relate!Less is more,you will never win!Your son understands the relationship that is going on he is not blindsighted!<br />
I know it's frustrating just keep the negative energy away and when you have a chance address the situation head on to your DIL and go straight for the answer bet she'll be tongue tied! Stay Strong... Rab

I will try to give you advice but I don't know how far it will go. I have a Mother in Law who HATES me and I'm not very fond of her either. I guess that it all started when I began living with her. She just would not let me be a MOM to my own kid. That is what basically started everything. Anything I did was always wrong and I always worried way too much according to her.<br />
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Here are some examples:<br />
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I thought my daughter was lactose intolerant because every time I gave her milk she would scream with a belly ache and have an upset stomach. For her one year wellness check up I brought her to the doctor and he confirmed that she should not be given any milk. Yet my Mother in Law gives her bottle after bottle of milk after I have kindly asked for her not to. It upsets me SOOOOOOO much!<br />
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My daughter got a rash one day because it was hot outside and I guess she just got a rash. It wasn't from too many bubbles in her bath or me not changing her diaper frequently because I'm very uptight about those things. Anyway it was blistering and it looked awful and literally popped up out of nowhere! It was red and then within 2 hours it just looked horrid. So I was freaking out because my daughter was screaming every time she peed in her diaper because it burned. So I was letting her air out diaper free. It was a Friday afternoon and I knew that I would have to wait until Monday to make a doctor's appointment for her to get cream. She is a baby so I can't exactly just go buy something over the counter and apply it on her...it can be too strong for her little body. So I went to the Emergency Room. I have had a yeast infection before. They are horrible. I didn't want her to have to suffer all weekend long like that with no solution. My Mother in Law got mad at me because I brought her to the E.R. and she said I was wasting my time and over reacting. The Doctor at the E.R. said it was good I brought her in because he said one more day and she would have just been miserable screaming all day long. He said it was a very severe Yeast Infection too....so I wasn't wrong. I was doing the right thing.<br />
<br />
I seriously think my Mother in Law thinks she is a Dr./Nurse sometimes and any time I think something is not right with my own child she has to freak out and tell me I'm wrong or I'm not doing it correctly...whatever it is I'm doing. <br />
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It really upsets me though. <br />
<br />
Another thing that upsets me....my Mother in Law never directly talks to me. She always talks to my husband about me. Even if I am standing right there! It is so childish. For example the other night I was standing in the kitchen. My Mother in Law goes, "Is Mary spending the night?" I was right there! She had to like yell across the room for my Fiance to hear yet I am like 5 ft. away from her and I basically don't even exist to her. It is so mean and abusive in my opinion. She really upsets me.

Sounds like a lot of reaction going on, on your part, so you have to learn to not react to her so much. When she gets on you about doing something with your child that she wants to disagree with, just tell her you are going to, and don't argue, just say Hey, this is my child and I'm going to bring the baby to the doctor, and don't want to argue with you about it. As for her minimizing you, when she talks about you in 3rd person while you are right there, please don't look to your fiance to stand up for you, just speak up yourself, for yourself. So many girls look to the guys to take stands with his Mom, and all it does is get a son put in the middle in conflicting loyalties. So just speak up, and speak your own words, and don't get upset, and just be right up front. You can't change your fiance's Mom, but you can shape how you want things to go and how you wish to be treated. Stay calm, you can do it.

Best thing you can do? MOVE OUT!! Get your own place, make your own rules and stand on your own.

To all of you in regards to whom should and shouldn't be in the delivery room. WHAT the hell kind of BS is this whole thing? Mommies in the delivery room? You got pregnant without her there, so WHY should she be there when the grandchild is born? GIVE ME A BREAK! Talk about completely ridiculous. I know that I didn't even want my own mother in there with me when my son was born more than 25 yrs ago. WHY would I want that? Some advice to you newbie mommies....keep BOTH, maternal and paternal, mommies OUT OF THE DELIVERY ROOM unless of course you can't handle anything by yourselves....then you'd need to have BOTH in there...not one or the other. It's hurtful, disrespectful and WRONG! I'm so sick of you little whiners going on and on about "it's all about the mommy"....Yeah, right...until you get home with the kid, then it's all about the kid not YOU. This sense of entitlement and self-importance is sickening. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time...no hospitals, no doctors, no being babied out the ying yang. This whole mentality of babying the crap out of pregnant women makes me sick. You were old enough to get yourselves knocked up, so try ACTING your age and stop depending on mommy to take care of you, just as you wish for your husband's mother to stop taking care of him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, ladies!....Well, if that's what you want to call yourselves. I"d call you spoiled, little b**ches!

Thanks for keeping it REAL! This is a post that I could have written! :)
Little spoiled brats having babies thinking that the world should cater to them....
I have a niece that is just like this and know too many others! It's SAD!

@sadangrymom - tell your son when he learns how to be a man to give you a call and that you're not going to the wedding, as only two people from his side of the family really wouldn't be missed to begin with. WHAT is going on with these guys? Makes me sick!

@jackisnips....Fanned and Faved! Some guys have to learn the hard way, and just exactly WHAT is going on with young men in today's day and age? It's like every single one of them has their balls in their wife's purses. They don't stand up for themselves. Perhaps THIS is why the divorce rates are so high nowadays? Back in the day, a guy wouldn't think twice of saying to wifey..."Hey, that's my mother you're talking about and I HAVE 23 of HER GENES!" I guess that's "verbal abuse" today? All of this civility crap is getting us nowhere. More and more couples don't argue, as they don't realize that arguing actually strengthens a relationship. All these guys do is walk around led by the nose (as you said) until they get really good and sick of the crap and then just divorce the b**ch. That's when they come crawling back to mommy, and though mommy wants to tell him to get lost, she just usually tells him "I TOLD YA SO", and then they take them back anyway. A mother's love for her son is special just as a father's love for his daughter is. Lately it's that the wife wants to rule everything and do everything her own way rather than LEARNING from those that walked ahead of her and who had a hand in making the person that she fell in love with who he is to begin with. These women today are morons...then again, our sons are bigger morons for putting up with these liberal b**ches crap. Then we wonder why today's youth is so screwed up? Do everything your own way, and half of these chicks out there have absolutely ZERO in the brain department unless of course they're conniving and manipulating!

Ballless, spineless sons are a biproduct of HOW THEIR MOMMIES RAISED THEM......not how the eeeeevil DILs "brainwashed" them against you.

With every new step/life event you CHANGE in life. Marriage changes you &amp; your outlook on life. Having kids does the same thing. I'm not the same as I was 22 not married and no kids as I am now; married with kids.

Your sons have changed, and your realizing maybe your relationship with your son isn't that great, or as strong as you thought. Or maybe he just doesn't want to see you as often. If you like it or not he's a grown married man with a family and life of his own, and you MILs are no longer the center of his universe. That's how life is supposed to work.

I agree a lot of guys seem to be led by a nose ring by young women today. I can tell you that kids in HS say that is how it is now, so these girls are learning young, and HS kids say there are a LOT of girls like that who order their guys around and have them jumping thru the girls' hoops. It IS sad, and a shame, but seems to be the thing kids are learning as young as HS. So, the guys get the drift, among peers that this is how it is, and so yes, their balls are in the girls' purses as you say. I guess we just need to let guys including our sons make their own mistakes, and see who they want to see for romantic partners til they figure out that they don't like controlling types of women. It is also the generation's celebrities they all look to, like Paris Hilton, Lyndsay Lohan, etc. Girls are ruder today than ever before....and so are boys....seems that manners are totally gone, respect has almost disappeared, it is very sad.

You know, there are some people who believe in "steps" and "levels" in life. Life is just life. Not everything is marked by each step and all of that....and our sons are NOT really MEN yet, someday they will be, might take til they are 40, for some of them, but no these kinds of girls who are crappy to guys' Moms, is a whole new breed of cat, that began in this generation of young ppl and it is a movement in society among this generation's youth, and nothing any of us caused.

Guys tell me that even in HS, girls are like this now with their boyfriends, snapping their fingers and making guys jump thru their hoops for them. It is a new breed of girl and it is a problem. Yes, their you know whats are in the purses, and our young men need help today knowing how to contend with it. Hormones also, do blind them. It is also a peer thing of as tho this is normal and it isn't, the jump thru hoops aspect.

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@gramma1 - You have EVERY right to feel slighted. It appears that in today's day and age NO ONE has any RESPECT for those that are there for them when help is needed or support of some kind. However, when we're gone, THAT'S when they realize how good they had it. I'd sell my house and move!

@zafamoch....well, everyone wants to do things their own way, but you will learn as you get older, that YOUR way isn't always necessarily the RIGHT or BEST way. Open yourself up to learning from someone. Apparently, you fell in love with her son, so she did a bunch of stuff RIGHT!

Yes, it would be nice if these young women realized we did raise good sons and respected us for that. Or even thought well of us for it. Or even were nice to us for it.

@nahla1996 - when the day comes for your boys to marry and you are treated as nothing more than a child bearer from your future DILS, you'll get it. BTW, from your post, not only do you have your own way of parenting, but it apparent that you also have your own way of spelling. Obviously, you didn't learn a thing in school, nor will you ever be willing to learn something from anyone else with LIFE EXPERIENCE b/c you're so busy doing things your own way. If your own way of parenting is anything like your spelling, you ain't doin' sumptin' right.

@CoGirl...sounds like your DIL is an ungrateful b**ch. One way to fix this problem, let HER stay home with a sick kid and take care of HER kid. Don'tcha just love these newbie parents that tell a woman that has already raised a kid what to do and not to do with a baby? Like you don't know? Apparently, if she married your son, you managed to do something right to get him through infancy, being a toddler and such....these women today are so busy listening to everything a doctor tells them or what they read in a magazine that they have absolutely NO RESPECT whatsoever for those who walked in their shoes ahead of them. Best way to handle this situation is to tell your son...Bye Bye...can't tolerate this crap and refuse to. Good luck to you. Sometimes turning your back (as hard as it is) is better for you, so you don't have to continue to be abused and/or see the absolute stupidity going on around you. One day your son will come find you, and in his own way tell you that you were right...and that's when you tell him "I told ya so." Trust me...it'll happen. He'll get so sick of doing everything with HER family and alone with her, he'll eventually regret allowing his wife to keep his balls in her purse and want his family back. Just hope it's not too late by then.

@peanuttsmums - ditch her. She's trying to use you to get your son back, and she should have thought about how she would feel when and if your son ever found about her affair and what he'd do BEFORE she decided to screw up her marriage. Now that she can't get her way, she's blaming you for "egging" your son on. If I EVER found out that my son's wife was cheating on him, I'd beat the crap out of the b**ch...never mind her even thinking about expectations for me to be loyal to her after that!

@skshannon...your tune will change after the birth of your child...especially if you have a SON! I just love when people run off with the mouth that aren't even mothers yet!

I hope she isn't treated as coldly as she has treated her mil. That's cruelty. And why do they fly off the hinge about everything? They want to be respected and "obeyed," but if a mil has a different opinion, even if its not you g to be law, why freak out about it. A DILs opinion wasn't "meant" to be against the DIL, but the MILs opinion is always "against me me me!" Pshht get over yourselves.

@mytwinkle...you're an idiot. Read her post...she said that NO ONE was going to be in the room when the kid was born, and SHE approached her MIL. MIL was never expecting it to begin with, and then dear ole' DIL lets HER parents in anyway. You're really an idiot!

@hopefulingeorgia....you are so arrogant, it's not even funny. Sounds to me like you are the typical "Southern Belle". You make me sick. Apparently you don't realize that just because the "bringing up" issue is over and done with, a MOTHER IS A MOTHER UNTIL the day either she or the child dies! People like you are what's wrong with this world!!! Go jump off a cliff already!