Selfish Dil

Where do I begin?  This is not my DIL, it is my Step DIL.  I never had a problem with her until a grandchild came along.  The reason there was no problem is because we did not have a lot to do with her until then.  She and my step son were married for 8 years before having a child.  They were too busy acquiring 'things' to have any kids.  Three and 1/2 years ago, before the grandbaby was a glimmer in anyone's eyes, my husband and I decided to buy a house at the lake as a summer home in order to spend more time with his family.  His son, the DIL's husband, spent very little time with him, but they (DIL and SIL) spent lots of time with friends who's families had a lake house.  They are very into the folks that have 'stuff'.  Anyway, after buying the lake house it was discovered that they were going to have a child.  We were all ecstatic. 

The problems started when the grandbaby came along and the DIL could do nothing for anyone except for the baby.  We were all expected to cater to her needs.  My step SIL and I did all of the cooking at the lake house, she says that she does not know how to cook.  We did all of the clean up also.  I did not have a problem with this while grandbaby was nursing, but it became a real issue when he was weaned. 

I really thought that she would help with the cooking and cleaning.  She says that she doesn't cook, but that she cleans.  It didn't ever happen at the lake house.  She claims that the baby is a 24/7 job.  Well...when I had a child, it was a 24/7 job, but the job included cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.  All she could do was to watch the kid. 

It got even worse when grandbaby started to walk.  She believes in the 're-direction' theory of discipline.  The word 'no' is not allowed.  When the baby reached for something he wasn't supposed to touch, either it was removed or the baby was removed. 

Now, the baby is almost 3 years old and he still doesn't know his boundries and picks up everything that he finds on a table, desk, counter, etc. 

She quit her job (she was the main breadwinner) because one of her neighbors saw her mother in law (who was taking care of him while the DIL was at work) trying to get him to come into the house after spending some time outside, and he was throwing a fit because he didn't want to come in.  The neighbor called the DIL at work and said that someone was 'abusing' her child.  The grandmother would never abuse this child, she loves him dearly.  Anyway, now the DIL does not work and has her child in daycare 4 days a week.  She claims that the reason he is there is because the speach therapist says it is the best thing for him (he did not start speaking at the normal time, so they hired a speech therapist for him).  So, she is a 'stay at home mom' without any stay at home kids!  She is something else.  She had told my husband 6 months before she quit her job that she just wanted to stay home with the baby.  She used all of this as an excuse to stay home and then put her kid in day care all week (they call it preschool!).

When she and the step SIL go to the lake house, they leave it filthy.  They do not clean it at the end of the season, they do not clean the kitchen sink or stove.  I can't stand her!

hibatt hibatt
1 Response Mar 9, 2009

Your lake house, your rules. Grow a spine. I've been debating my own decision, do I cater to my DIL and cave on some important things - or do I stand my ground here? I'm leaning towards standing my ground from the get-go because I think if I cave to "get along," it'll give her license to keep beating me over the head until the end of time. I read too many stories on different sites that say things like, "For years, I've tried............." and I just don't want to go there.<br />
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Tell your step-son and step-DIL that you're tired of cleaning the lake house after they leave. Photograph the evidence and show them, so that they don't come back and say you're exaggerating. Let them know that they will no longer be allowed to use it unless you're there - and that the new rules include her getting off her bottom. If she doesn't cook, fine. They can take you out to a restaurant on the night they're supposed to provide dinner. That would work for me. The day/night she cleans, don't let up until she either a) cleans or b) they leave, never to return to muck up your house again. If they're that into status, it might make them rethink if they know they'll never have a "lake house" to go to again.<br />
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Baby rules! Ugh! I get a list of rules all the time from DIL. I respect the ones that make sense and ignore the ones that don't. I figure a) I'm a sucker for the kid. Any time either of them need a sitter, I'm there; b) they would seriously be depriving that child of a TON of love and care if they decided to stop bringing her over; c) where else can they leave her at the spur of the moment and know she's well taken care of and it's free? and, last, but not least, d) my son is perfectly aware of the stupid rules, since we all laugh about them and make fun of DIL (behind her back), so he is not that opposed to me breaking them on the sly. Meanwhile, I'm nodding my head to DIL and she thinks she's all that and more.<br />
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I love my son, adore my granddaughter and try to like my DIL. However, they have to act like adults and compromise when need be, they have to show manners and be courteous. In short, this stuff works both ways.

When did these rules lists start happening with women who have kids, any way? That didn't happen when we were having kids.

You had your things too, bet people respected them too. Not your kid, not your rules. Removing consistency from the kid's life only makes things worse for the kid.

Wow, you laugh behind your DILs back? No wonder she doesn't get off her *** to help with anything. If I were her I'd just be trying to survive weekends with your family let alone trying to pitch in and be part of the family. Sounds like you need to have a real conversation with her, one without judgement if you desire it to go anywhere.