Not Sure Where This Will All Lead to

Well now that my son is getting married i am worried.  For years i had to share him with my ex in laws.  Always shutting his bedroom door when he was away and playing mind games that he was with people i liked and i was on a vacation from being a single parent.  I had always dreamed that he would marry someone who someday i could embrace as a daughter.  Now he has decided to marry.  They have been together 3 years and he seems very happy.  Thing is i am not.  After being at their apartment and seeing how she doesn't keep house i was appalled.  He didn't seem to care though.  Also when they visit which is not often because they live in the midwest and I in the southwest she does not join in with family time but rather goes off on her own to read in another room or play her DS/laptop?? She is 23??  She also only took one shower in five days while they were here.  I fear i have lost my son again to someone whom i have to just accept him being with.  When i visit she does not make an effort to join in with us but rather just sits on the couch away from everyone visiting.  We only visit for a week each year.  I only see my son twice a year if i am lucky.  My daughter tells me they have a lot in common and to let it go because my son is happy but i feel she will completely take him away from us.  This past bday he sent me flowers without her name attached?? She also did not call me and wish me a happy bday but i never forget hers??  I recently sent them an engagement gift of a wedding memory book and a set of candles.  Again he called but not her.  What am i to do?  He is keeping me informed about everything they are doing with the wedding plans but she is like a ghost to me.  Help...........  I know she does not like me otherwise i would hear from her more often.  I am trying to not be judgemental.  Everyone who i talk to tells me just be nice to her.  How can i be nice to someone who it is obviously not trying to make me like her???  She is obviously trying to stay seperate from us and not trying to be part of our family.  This is sooooooooo hard.

shadia shadia
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Maybe she just comes from a different kind of family and doesn't know how to engage much or interact with yours. I hear you want relationship with her, but at 23, yes they still are playing with their electronic toys, even by 29. And a lot of ppl use their gadgets to stay out of the now, and it is like epidemic today, even full blown adults walk into stores not mentally present because they are playing with their cell phones. I realize this post was written 3 yrs ago, hope things have improved. Sounds like you are going to have to be patient with this girl and not react and not take anything as a slight, as well as you can. I would rather get flowers from my son, than from his girl and him, frankly. I find it ob<x>jectionable that my son's girl has to be in on everything like that. A lot of times, earlier, he was giving me gifts that I could tell were her ideas, I had to say to her, please let my son give me a gift himself. So in your shoes, I would be glad my son was sending me flowers by himself. Don't worry, they and she, will grow up some day. It's just young stuff. Don't fear not knowing her, just keep being Ok with everything as well as you can, no matter what she does, and talk with your son once in awhile about it, but don't pressure him.

Throughout your whole post, the only thing that I saw as an example why you don't like her is because of the way she keeps house. You also stated your son doesn't have a problem with it. Not to mention, it's his house too. It's not just her keeping it dirty, and besides, they're grown adults and can keep their house any way they choose. <br />
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The rest of the post sounds to me like your DIL is fully aware of how you feel about her and is too intimidated to be around you/engage with you as a result. Have you expressed your dislike for her to your son? You must know, most husbands and wives tell each other everything. <br />
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ba<x>sed on what you wrote, I think the real issue is that you feel like you're losing your baby boy. In fact, you even said, "...i feel she will completely take him away from us." The Bible says, a man is to leave his family and cleave to his wife, and they become united as one. It is natural and Biblical for him to leave his immediate family and begin a family of his own. Besides, in your own words, he is happy. Isn't that all you could ask of a DIL? That she makes your son happy? I think you should heed your daughter's advice.

Maybe she realizes you do not get a lot of time with your son and so is trying to be as unobtrusive as possible? That way she can give you as much time as possible to be together... Or, maybe you could try to do things that she enjoys if you want to engage her in the family. Sitting around listening to you talk about people she does not know might be making her feel like you are deliberately excluding her. Maybe she isn't going into the other room to read, but to cry.