Nothing Between the Ears

My daughter in law is so controlling,she won't let my son speak to his own mother.She is NOT a people person,and is always negative ,when you try to hold a conversation with her.I personally can't stand her because of this.She has some major issues that have to be addressed,but of course she doesn't think so.My son works his butt off to keep them going,and she is either too stupid ,or lazy to get off her butt to look for work.(probably both).My son is too easy going,but I'm afraid someday he might just explode,and kick her the hell out,which wouldn't be a bad thing.The whole family has tried to help her,and be nice to her,but she basically has nothing to do with us.My son is also a Christian and a church goer,but she is not and does not go to church.She thinks my son is brain washed,which of course isn't the case.She can't be brain washed,because she doesn't have a brain to be washed.So,in a nut shell,I basically have to let my son deal with it,and hope for the best,and hope my son gets a bit more back bone,and does what he has to do.I also have to be carefull how I address the subject,because I don't want to drive my son away from us.

black5th black5th
15 Responses Apr 2, 2009

I am in the same situation....walking on eggshells

For over 5 yrs I have tried with my son's girl, but she is mouthy and lousy to me, always. I've come to realize, in all of it, that it must be insecurity on her part that makes her always be that way to me. And have started to realize, whenever she is lashing out twd me, that she is trying to prove she is the primary woman in my son's life, and thinking of it that way helps me to detach or understand her actions a lot better. However I will say that she intends on marrying him and has since she first met, has been far too marriage oriented when she barely even knew him. Her own family has had a history of her own mom not liking her own mother in law, so that is what the girl grew up in. Sees me with only black colored glasses on, the evil mother in law, etc. My son has told me he doesn't want to marry, and likes it as it is. Her parents and her tho, I know will drive the bus into marriage, it has always been what they are about. And part of that is to do with someone providing for their daughter. I don't like any of them, sincerely. I've given it time, I have tried, but none are honest with me, always. I do not respect ppl who aren't honest, esp parents who are nearing 60, it is appalling. So, in short, I really don't like her or her folks, I know they are manipulative, it all makes me ill to even think of my son having kids with her, and I know she will rule as she does now, if and when kids are born. I do believe she needs help, she does imagine things a lot and is nasty, the type who spreads rumors and plays with ppl. It is hard to like. She is someone who ridicules ppl, and is just terrible and very self centered, and honestly I have never met such a lousy girl in my life. My son was roped in fast by her and her parents, esp in money involvement, like buying things with her.....I am sad for him that he has lost most of his 20s with this one person and her folks influencing him. He knows she is not nice to me, but can't seem to change anything about it, and doesn't like to stand up to her because her outbursts aren't what he wants to deal with. I have always known he is in a hard spot with that, but I just try to see him, when I can. Sionce living with her, he hasn't been able to use his phone to talk with me, I am forced to only reach him by electronic msgs, it is ridiculous and the couple times I have tried to knock on door, it is not ever opened to me. So I know I am in for a lousy ride, when it comes to grandkids and that i will be treated as badly as her own mom treated her own mother in law. There just is nothing I can do about it except wait for maturity to take over, for my son's sake, I guess. But I will say in all the material I have ever read about the topic, of dils and mils, one thing stands out, that girls like this always seem to view a guy as tho his mom treats him like a baby and needs her bf to be a "man". No one treats our sons like babies, these kinds of girls just are hung up. And they are truly no fun and don't want to be nice and it is all intentional, lousy to a guy's mom cuz they WANT to be. It is a shame women can be like that, really.

I just found this thread.... and well, at least I know I am not alone..... my son is about to marry a ninny, and I guess the ONLY thing I have to be thankful for is the fact that they live in a different state!<br />
I accept that I have lost my son.... and will never see any future grandchildren... Just wondering how I am gonna get out of the whole holiday thing (they mentioned wanting to come visit us at christmas) I have absolutely NO desire at all to ever see any of them ever again........ I love my son, but have lived a life of craziness,,, and now I just need/want peace in my life. not the bullshit that goes along with his new family.

I would keep my door open, to my son at Christmas time...or any time, and always, if you say No to Xmas, a feeling of being rebuffed may last a lifetime, so I would not do that. It is your home, you can make the expectations clear before they come to your son privately, but you don't need to lose your son, and don't resign yourself to that. I wish you so much luck, truly.

I would be very, very careful how you handle your relationship with the DIL. Regardless of if she's a hot mess, they will probably have kids one day. And if you've spent years barely tolerating her, bashing her to your son, and acting cold around her... well, there's not much chance of you having quality relationships with your grandkids.

Unfortunately my son is marrying a narcissistic controlling girl , he is never allowed to visit with out her around. I believe she is actually insecure..constantly putting down people at work..relatives neighbors she is always smarter brighter and better. She constantly judges everyone else almost as though she wants to deflect the possibility of someone judging her. I am now cautious as to what i say infront of her..keep things as light hearted as possible.

It is good you keep things as light hearted as possible, I try to too with the girl my son is with. If you ever try to confront any thing, you know already by what you've described, how her mind works. She will likely take it as judgment and criticism, and no one enjoys that. My son's girl is like that too, very judgmental, controlling, and an out and out thinks she is better than every and anyone. Completely self centered to a fault, seems to have no ability to realize how it must be for any other person. You are right to be cautious about what you say in front of her. I walk on eggshells with my son's girl, too, and don't like the experience of needing to, but it is easier to just keep all light hearted and wait til someday when my son wakes up to the kind of person he is with.

Unfortunately my son is marrying a narcissistic controlling girl , he is never allowed to visit with out her around. I believe she is actually insecure..constantly putting down people at work..relatives neighbors she is always smarter brighter and better. She constantly judges everyone else almost as though she wants to deflect the possibility of someone judging her. I am now cautious as to what i say infront of her..keep things as light hearted as possible.

I am a DIL, At first my MIL and I got along, until her daughter ( who has never liked me) turned her mother against me. MIL tried to say I was tearing apart a brother n sister. I had only one rule for his sister-Respect me as your brother's wife...we dont have to get along, but I am his wife, he is my husband and you WILL respect that. His sis couldnt stand I put my foot down with her. she complained and cried to her mother who butted in and even got mad at her own son. MIL accused me of putting her in the hospital ( btw I have never said or text or emailed anything to SIL or MIL without hubby approval) so he knew his mother and sister was wrong when they accused me of being rude and nasty to them. and of course if MIL blames me for something she shouldnt, I will get mad and upset. She's never apologized to me. She treats my husband like he's a baby. She started going by his job so she wouldnt have to come by the house and risk seeing me. When your DIL starts feeling like your disrespecting her and her marriage, then you cant really expect her to like you. As so many others have said we ARE HUMAN BEINGS! WE ARE ADULTS! WE WANT RESPECT TOO! we arent children without brains. we may be more inexperienced but we are adults non the less. I dont hate my mother in law, but she will respect me. if she doesnt then I wont have anything to do with her. I dont disrespect her house, her husband, her marriage. What happend to the time when woman where proud to raise MEN? Why would you want your son to remain a baby? Why not be proud that you raised a capable independent human being? Who has enough brain to take care of his own family?

very well said

Sometimes, Moms have no real choice, but to go see their son elsewhere, if the dil is not nice to her or if it isn't comfortable. We have rights too, to see our kids, and not always WITH whoever they are with. I think you need to put your "WE ARE ADULTS TOO" thing down, and just be nice, because Life IS SHORT, and you are wasting time unnecessarily trying to demand different treatment from your Mother in Law. Let her be, and let her see her son, and accept her as a person. If you need to draw some boundaries, then let your husband do that with his Mom, or do it with your husband together, NICELY and explain to your MIL NICELY. Seriously, Life is way short, things happen to ppl you never expect, start getting along. Do not be a wedge making your husband choose you over his Mom, you would not want any girl doing that to you, with your own son, so realize that. We LOVE our kids. We WISH to have a lifelong relationship with them, just as you will with your own kids. Give up the fight!!

Actually, you don't have the 'right' to see your adult kids. I don't get why mother's think this? There kids are adults now, if the kids choose to see the Mother it's their choice, not an obligation.

Like, why do you care, where your husband's Mom see him? Why do you even notice or let it be something you would complain about? I am sure it is not fun to be blamed by your MIL for putting her in the hospital and of course, that's not real or true that you did, but I think you have to realize, she is saying she is VERY upset and that you upset her, your relationship with her son upsets her. So seriously, just let any thing you are holding against the woman go, and let your husband have a nice relationship with his Mom and sister. His mother and sister obviously need something resembling normal with him, and he must give that to them, really.

You're asking for a husband to put his sister and mother ahead of his wife? Sorry, wrong answer. They shouldn't be meddling in his relationship.

Another thing I don't understand, is why do you care, about how your husband's Mom "treats" him? Would your Mom like it is your mate criticized how your Mom "treats" you?? Seriously, I can tell you that women did not used to be like that. You have no right to judge how his Mom is with him!! It's RUDE!! And judgmental!! It just is not done!!!

Actually, I love my husband very much and if his Mom wasn't treating him well I would definitely have his back. I'd expect the same back. We're a team, a team of two. His mother isn't in that team. If she wants to be a part of our lives she has to respect us both, as we do to her. You give what you get.

you are stupid go away to another site and pick on people there

5 More Responses

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Don't you find yourselves at least partially to blame for having so much hate towards your daughter-in-laws that you'd run them into the ground here? They are human beings after all and your sons picked them. What would happen if one of your sons saw not only how you were talking about the woman they love, but about how they're children being led around by their wives. Ladies, these are grown men we're talking about and they are resposnsible for their own decisions. So instead of blaming the dil all the time, you might want to blame yourselves for driving your sons away.

go away troll

enslavedforever, the reason, why your son will not talk to you while your DIL is around. Is because your DIL may be insecure about the stronger relationship you have with your Son, then the lesser bond she has with your own Son. Its possible your DIL feels you and your Son might carry on a judgemental conversation with his Mother about her- your DIL. Even if its true that you have never carried on a judgmental conversation towards your Son about your DIL.<br />
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As for black5th, DILs don't just wake up and decide I think they are going to just suddenly stop there man from talking to his Mother one day. Some DILS have valid reasons for not wanting there men to talk to there toxic Mothers. Because they know there men will side with there toxic Mothers, perhaps she feels you judge her, and also feels that your son judges her to you. <br />
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Its obvious black5th you have judged her many times in your post, by saying she is either to stupid or lazy to get a job and won't go to church. Christians can care for others, or help others learn new skills. But christians should not judge someone to others. And Christians should not judge someone for not becoming a follower of there Christian faith or for not attending there church. Choice in Spiritual beliefs or to be a atheist. Is Freedom of Choice for people but not a requirement for people to follow. <br />
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And as for judging your DIL for being a stay at home partner. Your Son is being the judgemental Christian for whining to his Mother about how his partner won't get a job and won't go to church like he wants her to do, hoping by doing so his Mommy will share the same judgemental perspective of his partner that he has. Instead of badmouthing his partner to you your Son, about he felt about his partner as a person. <br />
Your Son knowing full how he felt about his lady partner as a person, instead of wanting to badmouth her a a person to his Mother.<br />
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Your Son should have been the one, to take charge of the situation himself with his lady, instead of going to his Mother about it, so he and his Mommy could both share a judgemental view of his lady partner.<br />
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black5th had you actually been a stay at home mom to your Son or any other children. Im sure you would not have wanted your Husband or family or friends, of the community to think of you as to lazy or stupid to go out and get a job. Or useless for not going to church with your Husband, family or friends?<br />
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Or had you not been working now. You would not have wanted your Husband or family or friends, or the community to think of you as to lazy or to stupid to go out and get a job

Really, "toxic" mothers is a concept developed in the last decade and it is not fair or right to say stuff like that. DILs like this, bring out the worst in Moms, or MILs bring out the worst in girls....however it happens, the upset side of human beings is not necessarily "toxic".

I think you hit the nail on the head when you referred to DILs and 'girls'. They are women, just like you. All MILs were once DILs, so if there are no toxic MIls then there can be no toxic DILs either.

I am sure she is lazy and stupid....I have one living with me right now and if the woman says she is then I would believe her....stop badgering a woman who is trying to protect her son from an evil DIL

I know she is telling the truth ...I have one living with me is horrible...she lies, is abusive to me and my son, is controlling my son, is brainwashing him...and I am sure she does not even love him but is using him...she does not work and refuses to work even though she is healthy....she sleeps all verbally abusive to me ....I have been extremely kind to her....and don't deserve this treatment.....I don't know what to do......if I move away I may never see my son again..he has been so brainwashed and is too kind and good to know is very sad

Wow, keep it up! You are sure on your way to figuring out your problems!

2 More Responses

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I do understand that there are evil daughter in laws out there, I know some. My mother has two of them!<br />
However, we are not all bad, just like not all mother in laws are bad. It all boils down to what kind of person you are. The evil daughter in laws will probably become evil mother in laws.

Hmmmm, so if you're currently an evil DIL, then would you think your MIL is evil? Because then that would have made the MIL an evil DIL when she was younger. So, if you have an evil DIL, then by following this logic, you are an evil MIL.

I must say you ladies do not give your sons much credit. Aren't they capable of thinking for themselves? You sound like my mother in law. This woman has tried her best to turn my 6 year old daughter against me, choked me, and called CPS on me because she is not allowed to see our kids! My husband wants nothing to do with her, and I do not stop him! She has also stolen money from us and ran up a bill in my name! The woman does not want to get along , she wants rid of me and wants her son and granddaughter to herself! Everytime she talks to my daughter she has to put me down. She also wants nothing to do with my 3 year old son and ignores him. The only attention my 7 month old daughter gets from her is when she says how much she looks like her sister! It is not just us either none of the rest of my husband's family wants anything to do with her! My mother in law would have you believe that I am the evil one!

It sounds like she has full control.<br />
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I think insecure men marry girls like this because of their own insecurities. These controling girls are leading them around like puppies and the son's allow it because it is easier for them not to make decisions.<br />
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If you stay clear of them, I suggest that you send cards in the mail and make some contact because your DIL will no doubt tell your son that You don't care about him and he will believe her because she IS ALWAYS right in his eyes. Don't give her that opportunity or you will be sorry. That is my opinion. Good Luck!<br />
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You are not alone with these kinds of problems. There are many nasty selfish women out there.

This sounds exactly like my daughter-in-law. My son won't talk to me over the phone when she is around. My son told me that she does not cook and her excuse not to learn how to cook is "he knew she could not cook when he married her!" I can think of nothing that is worthwhile about this woman. My quandary is a) why did my son marry her in the first place and b) now that he knows how essentially useless she is as a partner in life, why does he stay with her? They have no children. I remember the cartoon characters, Blondie and Dagwood where Blondie was always pushing Dagwood around. I think my son is Dagwood and I am having a hard time being around him even though she never once has set foot in my house where I live now. <br />
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I am trying to deal with this, but I just want to stay clear of my son and daughter-in-law, it is so depressing to me.<br />
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They do nothing to prepare for the future. They rent and have no savings. On a recent visit, I found that my son had clothes from Gap and from Banana Republic! Those are so overpriced and nothing someone who is in their wage scale should be buying. I am thoroughly disgusted and find no hope for an ongoing relationship with either of them.

I would like to start a new thread but not sure where to do I will add to this one even though it is daughter in law has done every thing imaginable to try to turn my son against has been hell for the past 3 years.....since he decided he was inlove with her......anyway she has been living in the same home with me for the past few months and has not gotten a job., does not clean,. sleeps all day....swears like a sailor....calls herself a christian and can't eat pork...LOL....not that the diet matters to me but the fact that she is abusive and very unkind and yet is so concerned about what she eats....kind of ironic.....anyway she is constantly telling my son what to do and not do...and is trying desperately to get my son to have nothing to do with me.....he is my only child and my only family left...all my relatives have passed he is my only family and I don't want to lose him......but I can't take much more of her abuse...and the sad part is that I am so nice to her...I buy her gifts and make special things for her all the time and give her cards on the holidays...I really really try and each time she is so rude and cruel to me no matter how hard I try....I am the good MIL.....I may be an exception to the mean MIL rule...but I am truly a kind and good MIL and don't deserve this abuse....