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My Daughter In Law Is a Manipulating Mental Case

I hate my daughter in law.  And so does my son.   I don't know why he married her in the first place and neither does he, but they have a 4 year old and twin boys 1 1/2 years old now and he won't leave them with her because he doesn't want anyone else to raise his boys.  Personally, i don't think there is anyone out there that would buy into her after they spoke to her for 5 minutes, but he has concerns.

She is an executive in publishing and barely spends any time with the children.  Her mother lives in the house with them and is the full time babysitter.  she meddles in their lives on a daily basis and between the three adults in that house, none of them get along.

My daughter in law micro manages everyone in the family.  If we come for a visit, we have duties to perform.  It's never a nice trip, we live out of state and dread coming to their house because she insists that we stay with them and that is a problem.  it's like being a servant because she is so "overwhelmed"  with her children and job that everyone else has to pick up the slack.  My son also works, cleans the house, cooks dinner, picks her up at the station, drives her to the station  in the morning before he goes to work and is totally in charge of their 4 year old that already has problems. 

Her mother, is in charge of the twins and for 2 cents, I'd call CPS on her. 

My daughter in law is  the kind of person, that manipulates people and she isn't good at it.  You kind of feel sorry for her efforts, but I tend to go along with her for my son's sake.  She will call me up and ask my opinion about her oldest boy and the problems that he has in and out of school.  I worked 20  years as a social worker for a special ed program so she asks me what i think about certain issues, and when I tell  her my opinions, she gets bent out of shape, looks up something on google or asks someone else and them tells me i don't know what I am talking about.  That is the least of it.  She's a bully, and she makes comments to my daughter about how to raise her little boy that are uncalled for and obnoxious. 

the list is a mile long, and we have had our differences and did not talk for a while several times, but this weekend, I came up to be there for her 4 year old's birthday party with my daughter and her little boy,  I might add, she has never come to see us in Florida with the kids, not once, so we always have to travel there to see them..  This time, we swayed from the plans that she made for us,  came to the party and was snubbed by her,  she ignored us like we werent there and we left after several hours of no response from her with pleasant conversation.  I called my son to invite him to bring the boys to the hotel we were at for a swim and he returned the call with venom and lies that she claimed  we had done to her and ruined  the party.   I finally said to him after explaining there was a misunderstanding of her needs, he wasn't hearing anything, that I said to him so I responded with, and I quote.." I will never speak to that #$%^ as long as I live and there is nothing that she could possibly say to me to make it right. she's a bully and a maniuplator and I am done with her and don't call me the next time you want a divorce and want to vent cause I'm not hearing you"   I called her several other things and hung up.  Flew back this morning and have no intention of speaking to her anymore.  I'm done.

I feel badly that my son was put in a position that he  felt the need to speak to me like that, my daughter is beside herself because I opened a big mouth and i would have said it directly to her, but she didn't have the guts to get on the phone and probably enjoyed the argument that we had.  It's too bad she didn't hear what I was saying about her directly, that's the only thing that bother's me. 

Just a few other lovely comments from her mouth that casually fell out..

When your mother dies, we'll sell the house and get a vacation home that we all can enjoy.

Thanks for the offer to buy the baby furniture.  I found this great crib for $3000.00 I'm sending a pic for you to look at it.

I need some clothes for the twins, just for the spring season so could you get some stuff for me, oh and send the receipt so I can return what I don't like.

You know that necklace you got me?  I lost it, so I need another one, do you mind?

This is our Christmas list.  Blah Blah Blah

linnie40000 linnie40000 61-65 27 Responses Jun 1, 2009

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I'm so sorry to hear of such difficult troubles you have with your daughter-in-law. I found this entry through google, searching for "a mother-in-law's perspective on a son-in-law with a mental illness"...not really that relevant I guess, but the reason I was searching was because I am sorting through my grief for the death of my father, who died when I was 12, leaving behind me, my mom and my four younger sisters. The death of someone close to me 5 months ago has re-opened my father's death for me, like a big can of explosive pain. My father was such a beloved dad, so close to me and so affectionate, but before he died he developed a mental illness that threw us all for a loop, and then he died tragically in a fatal accident at work, not long after. I have a nagging memory, (it's been 14 years!) of walking into our grandma's (mom's mom) house, the lot of us, including my dad, and my grandmother said to my dad, "you stay away from my grandchildren." I loved my dad so much, even when he was crazy...in fact, I felt a need to protect him. I know my situation is different from yours, but I was dwelling on this odd little ancient memory I've tucked away for so many years, and I wondered to myself, "I wonder if my grandma hated my dad..." and that really hurts me to think. I think she could have reacted better, for everyone's sake, since we were suffering so much already, struggling to keep our little family intact. If I had known she was wishing for my parents to get divorced, or calling my dad angry hateful names unbeknownst to us, behind his back or to his face, I would, I think, be totally devastated, and if my parents had gotten separated after all of this, I would have felt betrayed by my grandma... to know that she didn't do everything in her power to help my mom and dad stay together, to treat my dad as though he were her own flesh and blood.He was my own flesh and blood, my prized possession, my affectionate, fun, trustworthy father. And now he is dead. And because my grandma never could learn to prize and esteem him the way I did, there is a huge part of me that she can never understand, and never have access to...and that part of me feels let down because I love her. But hopefully in heaven everything will be set aright again.Obviously your situation is very different, especially if there is abuse going on to the children and CPS needs to be called. But I thought it might be helpful to see things from the perspective of the grandchild. I don't know if this any use to you, and I hope I didn't give any offense. I am currently getting some long-awaited grief counseling, and I wonder if it might help you to seek the advice of a family counselor. If you have been badly disappointed by your daughter-in-law, it might help to vent your frustrations there, and then learn good strategies on how to handle dealings with her so as to help preserve the integrity of their marriage and to preserve your sanity all at the same time.

I can tell within the first paragraph you wrote who the real mental case is here and it is not your daughter in law!!

Your story is heartbreaking and much sounds familiar, especially the part where your son does all the housework, etc. while the DIL works, overworks and over schedules her life. My son is killing himself to make her happy. He works fulltime as well. I fear he'll have a stroke or heart attack before he is 40. The saddest part is, when I asked why he was marrying the girl when no one seemed to like her, including his friends and family, his answer wasn't about how much he loved her but how they had 'similar goals.' I remember blurting out, "What the hell kind of answer is that?" I think he was just afraid of being alone after college....and like musical chairs, he ended up with the one that he had just before he left college. I learned she had moved in with them during his last year or so in college and paid nothing toward living expenses. They lived off the child support I had brokered in lieu of getting spousal support after the divorce. I didn't find out until my son was about to graduate and finally told me the big secret of how she was living with him and his brother. She treated my youngest son like crap. I have prayed and tried everything to like this selfish beast of a woman. She almost did not let me come to the wedding. As a Christian, I truly do want to forgive and forget but she manages to open another wound with yet another outrageous and mean thing done to me or my other son. I've cried buckets about all of it. My youngest son is such a grown up, says she will never change and just ignores her. I know the saying is that we 'take offense' and I shouldn't take it. But I am having a hard time doing that, especially since she makes sure I see little or nothing of them when they are in town (they now live in Turkey thanks to her job). There are no grandchildren yet (DIL is 37) and I find myself almost hoping there are none - I could not bear the heartbreak of having her purposefully keep me from seeing them. I don't know how the rest of you ladies bear it. It's bad enough almost never seeing my son....and seeing him allowing her to treat me the way she does breaks my heart further. I keep praying the resentment prayer, I keep offering an olive branch only to have it slapped away. I have no answers, but I feel your pain.

I relate to this thread and all the moms, like me, being abused by a cruel, manipulative dil. my son was married a couple of months ago, i was seated in the back table at the reception, by the kitchen! and prevented from being in the photos! When I asked the wedding planner about pictures with the grooms family and the mother of the groom (me) she said, 'not on the schedule'! I was stunned. The night before my son, the groom, told me I was the best mother in the world, of course I had just deposited $10,000.00 in his bank account. A month before the wedding, the bride sent me the dress she wanted me to wear, she got it for $50.00 off Amazon, she wore a $10,000.00 Vera Wang that my son bought for her. Now there are hundreds of pics online with her family - not one of me.. They re indignant that I dare feel bad because I was seated in the back and didn't get my picture taken. They tell me that it was THEIR day and I should just keep my mouth shut..I didn't see it coming, although the bride said before the wedding that she thought me, a single mother, and my sons were too close..well, she's just done a great job of breaking that up. I feel completely shutout and it has been devastating..they are not talking to me now, apparently because I 'hurt her feelings' because I didn't like sitting in the back. As far as Im concerned, she is not my DIL, and as far as my son is concerned, why isn't my son standing up for me? He has thrown me under the bus and is acting like a wimp..WHY should any of us mothers, who nurtured our kids their entire lives, now put up with bullying?? After all it will be too late when we're wiling away our time in a nursing home with no visitors while our son and dil wait for us to die to get our money....I've already changed my will..I never thought that my son would do this to me, the power of an evil - you know what!

Dear Serenitynot
I am sorry to say that I wrote this post in 2009 and it still holds true. More so now than even then. It's a hard pill to swallow but the only good thing that came out of this was the children. They are so darling and I love them very much. There is never a problem visiting them because she's barely home and the time spent with her is usually short. My son's job allows him to be home by four o'clock every day and when we are there, it's him that we spend time with and he's in a good place. He knows who she is and I believe he still values me in his life. I hope that will be the same outcome for you. You can always do the "mother's curse" in this case MIL's curse... I hope her children marry people like her and she sees what bullying feels like. Good luck. Linnie

Yes indeed, it is my son's responsibility to handle his bullying wife. But, it will never happen. They have been married for six years and have three beautiful children ages 5, 3 and 2. My daughter-in-law is a doctor and so is my son. They have a nanny. My son usually takes care of the children. Ironically, he is somewhat of a bully himself, but not to my daughter-in-law. He is like a jellyfish around her. She has always treated us like indentured servants when we visit their home. We felt so grateful to have such beautiful grandchildren that we would do anything for them, just to spend time with them. I have cooked all the meals when we visit, but my daughter-in-law will barely touch the food. She will eat out before coming home. She will not do anything she feels she does not like, such as doing the dishes, the laundry, dumping the garbage. We are only allowed to do what she wants and if we try to deviate she is insulted and requires an apology. We bought $200 worth of bed pillows when we were there the previous time because the pillow that were provided had no support and we had stiff necks from sleeping on them. We thought we would have the same pillows for our bed this last time, but NO, we had the old ones. We have a blanket that was falling apart and was shedding all over the floor. We finally decided to leave and go to a hotel. My daugther-in-law was livid and made up some terrible accusations and told us to get out of her house because we are not her family. We now realize that either is our son. But, as stated at the top, that is his problem not ours. We will just pray for him and his children.

Bletholife, you must be my DIL! how ya doin? I guess you found this page and I'm glad, because you are so worth hearing it all on MSN. As time goes on, you are like vintage wine, you only get better and better. Now you are in an even bigger job, where you have no time for anyone. Your career has grown, oh forgot, when you were changing jobs, full of anxiety and depression, you called me every day for advice and support, with tears and manipulation, explaining how your boss from the job that you had for 11 years was angry because you gave him 2 weeks notice and left in the middle of the month with work on your desk. He was so awful to you and he won't give you a decent recommendation. Oh dear, what did he write? Oh yeah, you were the most morally bankrupt human being that he has ever encountered. Thank you so much Mr. Boss for confirming our opinion of my DIL.

and yes, I stood by you through it all, but now, when you are settled in, I have heard nothing from you at all. The excuse? I haven't heard one yet, but I suspect that it's the usual reason.. that you are the only woman with a job and three kids in the world and it's just too hard to find a minute for yourself, much less make a call to your mother in law. I hope that with three boys, one of them at least finds a "girl, just like the girl that married dear old dad" That's an old song for those of you who are too young to remember.

So, Puhleeze Ms. blehtolife, maybe the first post that described my DIL struck a nerve in you. Does that profile look familiar? I have never meddled in my son's life, in fact that woman claimed she married him because of how he treated his mother. I guess that didn't sit well with her once they settled in. She's made a mission to alienate everyone including my daughter, who actually had a relationship with her once and now, not so much. she's bossy, interfering, and argues about her knowledge about everything including how everyone should raise children. BTW she hasn't got a clue how to do that because she is never there. And doesn't want to be as that has been stated. Lovely girl.

linnie40000, you go girl. Just because we are parents and grandparents doesn't mean we don't have our limits. Your son is the only one that can fix this mess, and it doesn't sound like he has taken his blinders off YET, so at least you have your dignity intact.
I'm pretty sure blehtolife is the same DIL as hopefulingeorgia, just enjoys trying to push buttons.

"She is an executive in publishing and barely spends any time with the children. Her mother lives in the house with them and is the full time babysitter." - she is a successful woman. if the roles were reversed, we wouldn't question it - in fact, most would claim that if it were a man, he was a "good provider" for his family.<br />
she leaves her kids with their grandmother, which is better than a lot of parents who are willing to leave them with complete strangers. <br />
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she asked for your opinion about her son - she probably assumed that, as his grandfather, you would share her concern & be more than happy to give your advice. whether she takes it or not is up to her - he's still her child. <br />
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& i personally would feel hurt if my mother & father in law all of a sudden didn't want to stay in my home when they visited. <br />
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the fact that you said that to him is just horrible - i can only imagine how horrible it would be for him to be caught between his parents & his wife (& kids, for that matter). if you feel that way, fine - but keep it to yourself, for your son's sake. <br />
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basically, i think it is you that is in the wrong. YOU'RE the one with the problem - YOU & YOU ALONE need to get over it, rather than making it someone else's!

Good points about if it were a man he would be thought of as a good provider. But I think it is smart that they stayed in a hotel instead of at her son's home, more comfortable for them than enduring their DILs lists and etc. And seems to me that the DIL asks her advice just to make it wrong, so in those shoes, I would simply say, I mean well, but I don't want to give advice, because in the past you've shown me you will just find other advice instead any way and make me wrong".

Thanks for your comment and story. Mine never seems to end. It looks to me like these type of women are so threatened by their husbands mother's that they will do anything to keep them at bay. My daughter in law, although she can be quite charming and loving when she wants something, every now and then her fangs pop out and she's the same old same old that she was in the original post. I guess I am lucky that I can live far away from them, stay out of their business and remain sane. My son, every now and then will call with complaints about her, calling her unpleasant names and looking forward for the day that his three boys are old enough and adults, so that he can walk away. I just listen , don't say a word because in the end, they are together and I am the bad guy. I learned my lesson. They want to vent to someone and who's better to vent to then your mother. Anyway, last night he called for Mother's day and she told him they were out of bottled water in the middle of the call. He actually said, "You are bothering me when I am on the phone with my mother to wish her a happy mother's day? " Sometimes life is good.

I am glad your son tells you truthfully how he feels, and that you are there to listen and just give quiet support.

Let me tell you what I got for Mother's Day. I did not get an invitation to his home for this day, so I spent it with my sister. He hooked up with this woman who has 3 kids from a previous marriage. She is a fundraiser, event coordinator and a master manipulator. My son was the perfect target. Coming out of a hurtful divorce in which his wife was cheating, totally broke his heart. She was his life and their three beautiful girls. He started dating this woman (on rebound) and I think the whole thing was to prove to his X that someone else wanted him. Well, this master manipulator saw the perfect target. A wonderful man, christian, loves children. The first month they were together her kids were calling him (Daddy), which just melted his heart. She also knew she had to win the hearts of my Granddaughters, so she started there. He brought her down to our home in Florida for us to meet her. I treated her royally, but also knew something was wrong with her. She wanted total control of my son. She stated to me she had never had a close relationship with her mother like my son and I have. Now, I am not a controlling mother at all. I want my children to be happy and if they are I am happy. But, I can totally see through this woman. Second month, she had him move in with her and her kids. He is in Nursing School and under the pretense of "you need to quit, and concentrate on school," he quit. She didnot want him around other women. He continues to go to school, (only because she approves), and has made him a maid, babysitter, and cook. When we were there, she comes up to him and says, "My slacks need ironing." He did it. She has made no attempt to establish a relationship with me or his step dad. She is a drama queen and has serious mental issues. I told my sister last week, her next step is having my son adopt her children, so on Mother's Day when I am in Michaels getting flowers for my mother's grave, my son drops the bomb on me that they just got married the day before and that he had prayed about this and the real father has signed over his rights to the children and he is going to adopt them. That is 6 kids he will be responsible. He is so manipulated by this woman. I cannot believe as close as he has always been to his family, aunts, uncles, cousins, that he cannot see through this woman. Her Dad even commented to his Step Dad, "I sure hope the boy knows what he is getting into." Does this scare me? You bet it does. I cannot say anything, as it will be perceived as negative toward her. I have truly "let go". And-----that is my advice to all MILs, let them go and live their own lives. See your Grandchildren, but I know this woman is threathened by my relationship with my son becauses she knows I know she is a phoney. I will always be there for him, but it is up to him. Maybe one day he will miss his family. I was so hoping and praying I would have a great DIL, is there such a thing? I thought I had one, I loved her so much, but it ended in a divorce. This woman cannot wait, she had to get him to the alter. Their wedding was scheduled for October, 2012, she couldnot wait, so they got married the day before Mother's Day, and have the adoption process going. God bless my son, he is going to need it. She is the worst I have ever seen, but she manipulates people for money and to do things they do not want to do. This is her job. Let him go mothers , he has made his bed, now he must lie in it.

...is there such a thing as a great dil?

I believe there is. I believe there are great mil's as well. But, if you decide that this lady is horrible, then nothing she ever tries to do will be good enough. Only you can answer if you gave her a fair chance or if you condemned her from the get - go.

When you know someone is a manipulator, it is not intelligent to close your eyes to what you know....you can be nice to her, but you know what you know, and hopefully your son will eventually know, himself, and be able to get clear without his life being ruined.

When you know you have been good as gold to the daughter in laws and they bully you and kick you around verbally...it's just not worth it...you feel somehow that it's your fault, even though they are the ones that are being rotten and you have done nothing wrong! I know how it feels to be mistreated and I am sick and tired of it. Not sure how to stop it from happening though. It seems that they think it is their place to treat their MILs as garbage!

We have three grown sons in their thirties. Two are married with no children--the other one is not and has one child who is very much in our lives but lives five hours away. The holidays have become more and more sad for me. I underestand that our boys will ultimately be swayed toward her parents' events because they are the daughters. I have always said that I am understanding of this phenomenon and that it is okay if we get together at other times in the year and that I understand and do not want to cause any rifs during holidays so we make excuses and find reasons to be occupied or out of town "doing our thing" while our boys spend time with the DIL's relatives. Well, the reality is that I have become very sad over this. The holidays have gotten more and more difficult to take. I cry most of the time. When people ask if there will be turkey or ham or family to our house, I find myself justifying the way it is when you are the parents of boys. <br />
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Why does it have to be like this? It hurts soooooooooo much. They are not bad DILs but I want some memories with my boys during the holidays, too.

I don't think it has to be this way. I use to like and prefer to go to my DH's families house. Or, at least in the first many years. But, some things changed in our relationship and then it just became more and more difficult to enjoy the holidays with them. I will say that until I finally cut them out of my life, even with all the stress, we still made it a point to spend time with them as much as we did with my family.

I agree, it does not have to be that way. Where it is all the girl's family.

Daughter in law problems are very complicated-I try and take people at face value. I am not a game pla<x>yer. When I see certain behaviors-rudeness, petty complaining, or just being a diva I get very frustrated as to why this is tolerated (mostly by my son). I raised him to be very self sufficient. He was attracted to his wife for reasons unknown to me-altho she presents a pretty picture. Very vain and uppity. She is the youngest of 3 and was born with a cleft palate which required numerous surgeries. Working in education with special need kids I've seen many times how parents go way overboard with these kids-overcompensate for their difficulties. So her behavior tends to be very spoiled and manipulative. She wants what she wants-her parents still overindulge her. We are way down the list of people she tolerates, unless she wants something from us-then she can't be nicer.<br />
We have 2 wonderful and sweet granddaughters, so I guess we're in it for the long haul.

I think my son is attracted also because of pretty picture it paints. Seems he feels successful to have this girl on his arm, however, like you are experiencing, she is rude, a diva, spoiled by her parents and still is, manipulative, and just a terrible girl to me and enjoys being that way, gives her a kick or a thrill.

I am so happy to find this site. I joined another group, and had to get off of it. It was supposed to be a mother-in-law support group and no matter what any mil posted, there were 5 to 10 relies by dils, trashing them, blaming them, being disrespectful, etc. After reading the posts on this site, I see that many of you are having the same problems we are having, and while I am sorry for you, I don't feel alone now. I am trying to get to the point some of you have, where I can just move on and not let her have power over me.

To pep21349, My blowup with my DIL was really ugly. I said a lot of things about her to my son that were pretty disgusting. I think it all could have been avoided if she were able to treat me with some respect, but she couldn't. He need to compete and be right all the time was overwhelming and still occurs sometimes, but honestly, I don't care anymore. We live in different states and I miss my son and grandsons very much. When we go up there, it's always nice because I get to see them and most of the time I can ignore her. She really looks for attention and recognition of the "great things " that she does, and sometimes I just go along with her and make her feel good. It doesn't cost me anything to pretend that she's just great. Things sometimes just work themselves out and that's the best you can hope for. My mother would never have said anything about my brother's wife or caused any problems for him. I think I felt like she was always being "walked over" by her and I never wanted to have that happen to me. Good luck. Linnie

There is one of those on here as well. She goes by different names but is easy to spot. Just ignore her when she tries to push your buttons by being hurtful. She is either a hated DIL or a child trying to feel grown up.

I have a soon to be DIL who sounds so much like this girl, it is crazy....... I am finding myself defending everything I say and correcting the things she says I say and well, you get the idea. But, I am saddened by her wasting her time and crying to him for nine hours (no.....literally.....nine...hours....I'm serious....) if I say she should not yell at my daughter. She is constantly saying rude things to everyone she encounters,treats everyone like they are stupid, (she is a lawyer) including him (also a lawyer), and yet she is hypersensitive to the point of being very very tedious to deal with when it comes to her own behaviors. She acts like a Diva, taking her coat or jacket off and handing it to one of us in the store because she is too hot, or complaining at our favorite restaurants or if we dare cook for her that the food has no flavor or too much fat, or whatever...Everywhere we go she is complaining and demanding and it is really weird to me that an adult can behave this way and be serious about it. If I didn't know her, I would think it was funny. But I do, so it is downright exasperating. I am disappointed in my son for allowing someone to dominate him and manipulate him this way, and I have to say I am relieved to see that other people are going through the same ridiculous situation my family is enduring. I am so grateful to have found this site. My solution in our situation is just to keep my distance, and not say anything to her no matter how absurd her behavior or language is, because I know she is immature and will be melodramatic if I say anything to her that in any way could be construed as criticism. (This is after trying for multiple hours to converse with her on an adult level about how we all need to be resepectful of each other and try to appreciate each other's perspectives.) She was overjoyed when I finally told her that she doesn't have to worry, no matter what she says or does, I will not argue with her....Crazy.....!

charml123, I have to say that since that first post things have definitely improved. As I wrote in a few other posts, we did not speak for 3 months and suddenly an email from her stating that "it's been too long" was in my inbox. I was willing to forget the whole thing, but I have to say that standing up to her that day was probably the right thing to do. I am not a spineless weakling. I have worked with mentally ill patients for many years and am not afraid to confront anyone. I don't know why it took me so long to stand up to her. I think that you have to stick to your guns, your feelings are just as important and be demanding of your own needs. It's amazing that now, she's respectful and when I put myself ahead of her, she understands that behavior. It works for me. Sometimes I just go on and on about myself and my life and don't give her a chance to open her mouth. She gets it. Believe me. Good luck.

I am glad to find this site too. also am disappointed in my son for falling for this girl, and being run by her, like you wrote, Charml. Linnie, good for you for standing up to her. I have tried that with my son's girl and she always goes into a 3 month coma about anything I say. She does not like my directness and honesty. So she plays it up to my son, as tho she is traumatized by me, it is a total victim act. I think he has realized that, some, on his own by now.

The wife will always win. So just leave your kids to their own vices. Your job is done you've raised your children now its time to get your own life. Just leave them alone.

Hi, I've been reading the comments on the page regarding my daughter in law is a manipulating mental case, which by the way, I wrote and I realized that the answer to all this is to keep having babies until you get a daughter or two. I have one and she's my best friend. I get to give advice that she asks for, about her little boy, I am always welcome to come and babysit anytime. She's grateful for the help, we can talk about anything, have fights about stuff and we still love each other. Women need daughters. My mom used to say "your son is your son til he takes a wife, your daughter's your daughter for the rest of your life" I think that's the truth. <br />
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Unfortunately, she hates her mother in law. Very much.

That saying about a son is a son til he takes a wife, it is so outdated and old fashioned. I would like to see the US just let it go into the dark ages, it doesn't help a thing. And my son's girl was raised believing that saying, as well as with the belief, that a girl should become more important to a guy than his own mom. So she lives it out, to make sure she always is, and it is pathetic. Alot of what happens between MILs and DILs IS because of outdated, silly beliefs. The beliefs have to change...

I am a DIL and I think the problem is there can only be one mum in the house. If my own mum's in my house she's THE mother, if my MIL is in my house we both think we are the mother and it creates problems. <br />
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I'm sure my MIL can't stand me and sometimes I can be nasty. But there has been this build up of resentments over the years, Now almost everything she does winds me up. <br />
It doesn't help that my husband always takes her side and brush off my complaints saying I have issues! <br />
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. I do not appreciate

Linnie,<br />
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Thanks for the updates. Most times that I read a post I always wonder what had happened.

Hi Ladies,<br />
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Haven't been here in a while. My son and DIL are divorced. My son is living me us. He gave the DIL everything (he just wanted it to be over - big mistake) - they were in huge debt. He's trying to build his life back and keep in contact with his children. The DIL is poisoning the children's minds - she says she isn't but she does in "subtle" ways. She wants him to suffer.<br />
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Unfortunately for me my other DIL is a spoiled brat (only child) and makes it difficult for me to be in their lives as well. I have tried to visit as often as I can but don't feel wanted. It's worse now that my older son isn't living there. OH well - at least we're having 2 of his children visit this summer. His youngest is very much a Daddy's girl and has always been a fan of me. Thank goodness I have one of them! DIL has tried to make it difficult for them to visit.<br />
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As far as the people in the delivery room - you are correct the mother decides but I resented being lied to and will NEVER get over how bad I was made to feel about the whole situation and the double standard applied. Can't ever change it but it will be in my heart forever!

I have to add to the comments that I have received and clarify some things that have changed.<br />
I have no doubts in my mind that my daughter-in-law has her own reasons for her erratic behavior and that when she does something, anything, it is usually self serving.<br />
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3 months after the original comment on this page, after having no contact with my son or daughter-in law, I received an email from her basically saying that "It has been too long without you in our lives and we miss you very much" I responded to her email and said that I felt the same way and that I missed them as well. We agreed to never discuss the the conversations at that time again and to start over in a new relationship. She felt that i was not supportive of her concerns with my oldest grandson and we agreed to disagree with certain things that were annoying to both of us. <br />
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Since that time, our relationship has grown to a better place, My son and I are back to where we had been and he has yet to say a nasty word about her. I think that we all learned something from this experience and that having just come back from a wonderful visit with them... 3 days is definitely long enough and I say that with confidence. It was the best time I have had with them and the children in a long time. <br />
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At the time of the incident, I realized later that there had been growing anger between us over my grandson and that because we are both very hard headed and stubborn, we were not looking at where that was all going. I believe that no contact with them, although I did try to contact my son, not her, was the right thing to do. It did work for me. I don't say that it would work for everyone, because there are my DIL's that want just that. <br />
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Thanks for your comments and support. Linnie

There was 1 Daughter in Law, who is a Mother of 3 Sons who talked about how she despised her own Mother in Law, when she was alive, but attended her Mother in Laws funeral to appear to the family of the Mother to her Ex Husband who she hated, that she cared about her Ex Husbands Mother in life, even though she didn't. <br />
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She despised her Husband who is now her Ex Husband whom she will always despise.<br />
Because he gambled and was verbally abusive to her eldest Son, whom she stood back and watched her 1st Son get verbally abused for so long, because it happened to her. Then when he was a Teenager moved into a Womans Shelter with him and then into a house the Shelter helped her move into. Then after the 1st Son started paying her board for a while, the 1st Son that she stood by and watched get abused as a child, she kicked that 1st Son out of home, that she had let get abused as a child, a child she told people she cared so much about.<br />
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She despises her 2nd son whom she left behind with his Father, while his Father was at work, when she ran of with the 1st Son who was a teen and the youngest Son just a little boy for whom she would get government benefits for the little Son of hers she would get once she left the Father of her 3 Sons. <br />
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Mocked her 2nd Son to her 1st Son telling her 1st Son that you have a better job then your Brother-Which was her 2nd Son.<br />
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While she told the 1st Son the reason why we have a bond is because you and I were abused together. This woman of 3 Sons had verbally abused her elderly Mother living with her in front of her own Husband, That her own Mother ran to her Husband in tears looking for comfort from her Son in Law. <br />
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This Woman then verbally abused by the Fiance of her 1st Son, also the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter, because this woman was so set on being controlling towards the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter when it came to wanting the 1st Grand-Daughter to herself, out in public and on camera to show off with, while she made her 1st Son take her shopping each week to a shop she lived within short walking distance from on his days off. Or after he had finished night shift, he would have to take her Shopping in the early hours of the morning straight after her 1st Son had been working all night. Then when her 1sd Son, stopped taking her shopping, because it became to much for him as his overtime work hours picked up. She had her 3rd Son take her shopping using his car after he had lost his licence. When the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter said her 3rd Son could get in trouble with the law taking his mom shopping without a licence, She eventually had her shopping ordered to her door with internet shopping online at home. <br />
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She would say her 1st Grand-Daughter would have to grow up to look like her Paternal Grand-Mother to be beautiful, she was starting to look prettier, that her 1st Grand-Daughter looked dead in one of her baby pictures of her at almost a year old of her sleeping. But if she video camera was filming her, she would make sure she was with her 1st Grand-Daughter while repeating the word gorgeous to her, and try and make her laugh. Because she knew she would be the centre of attention, to others when being seen on film calling her <br />
1st Grand-Daughter gorgeous on camera and make her laugh on camera.<br />
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She would then mock other womens babies in public by calling them ugly while at the same time saying my 1st Grand-Daughter is the beautiful baby. She even saw a photo of a baby online who passed from SIDS and said the baby was ugly but her 1st Grand-Daughter is better looking then the baby who died of SIDS.<br />
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She had gotten 3 boys and no Daughters. When the Paternal Grand-Mother, a Mother of only 3 Sons did not get her way with the 1st Grand-Daughter each time she would then became angry with the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter, that she started to verbally abuse her, after coming over to smash on the door of the house where her 1st Grand-Daughter lived, yelling at the top pf her voice until she made her 1st Grand-Daughter scream behind the door.<br />
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She would then ring up her 1st Son and say that the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter was verbally abusive towards her. That her Son punched a hole in the door, saying to the Mother of there 1st Daughter. don't make me choose between Mom and me, after he had gone to the Mother of there 1st Daughter. Telling her this is all your fault because Mom is upset now because she says you uspet her. And the Mother of there 1st Daughter told the Father of there 1st Daughter I have put up with emough of this behaviour, looks like I will be the one to have to leave.<br />
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Trying to get her 1st Son to choose her side over the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter all because she The Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter stood up to the Paternal Grand-Mothers verbal abuse, and backstabbing. This same Mother of 3 Sons had tried to harm herself when her 1st Sons partner, was 4 months into expecting her 1st Grand-Child at the time. As a ploy to get her 1st Son to pay her attention while going through a divorce. Because her 1st Son and his partner were happy excpecting there 1st child at the time, she only wanted her Son to speak to her in the Hospital after she tried to harm herself and wanted the Mother of her 1st Grand-Child who had done no wrong to wait outside. <br />
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At the time this Mother of 3 Sons had been controlling and verbally abusive towards the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter over her 1st Grand-Daughter. She was goign out and buying caskets of wine each week in front of her 1st Grand-Daughters Mother and 1st Son. She had wine in the past as part of a plan to hurt herself when the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter was 4 months pregnant.<br />
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She would stop giving the Father of her Grand-Children money to buy his childrens clothes for birthdays and Christmas, even though the Father was using the money his mom gave him for the children to buy his children clothes, and started giving them clothes, she could pick out instead, she would give her 1st Son, some money, then after she gave the Grand-Children some clothes she picked she gave her Grand-Children all seperate christmas cards, 1st Son christmas cards and no Christmas card or present for the childrens Mother. And she never got her 2nd Son anything for birthday or christmas. She would only give Grand-Daughter birthday cards to her 1st Grand-Daughter and not her 2nd Grand-Daughter. She would only put I love you with all my heart in Grand-Daughter cards for the 1st Grand-Daughter. And not for her 2nd Grand-Daughter or her Grand-Son. Infact when her Grand-Son asked her for a HUG, at 3 years old, his cold hearted Paternal Grandmother a Mother of 3 Sons, turns her back on her Grand-Son and walks off instead of hugging her Grand-Son, a 3 year old Grand-Son who simply asked his Paternal Grand-Mother for a HUG.<br />
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This Grand-Mother who was only good to the 1st Grand-Daughter, in front of the <br />
1st Grand-Daughters Mother and ignored the other 2 Grand-Children of hers if she was them with there Mother. She would also backstab the family of 1st Grand-Daughters Mother to her 1st Son. The family was a Married Man and Woman who had a child together, who she had said struggled to pay rent on time, this Family was the Sister to the Mother of her 1st Grand-Daughter and Brother In Law to the Mother of the 1st Grand-Daughter. This Paternal Grand-Mother found out this information in her workplace and gossiped about it to her 1st Son.

Having a relationship with your Son, means you might not be able to fullfill your expectations of your Son because his mind chooses otherwise. Or you realise other People might not fullfill your expectations in order to benefit your own happiness, because there comes a time where people are more considerate of there own happiness they are getting from having a relationship with a person they wish to be with who is either someone elses family or they are there family. <br />
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You can only expect so much of your Son. Knowing it's your Son who is his own person, like a Daughter is her own Person. Knowing full well that a Son can choose who he likes to be with, and who he wants to love at any time he feels like it, and your Son chooses times in his life in which he feels he wants to be loyal with a certain person or people. So your Son can have the relationship your Son wants with a person or a relationship with certain people<br />
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There are two doors in which can be chosen in life. One is the front door in which you came in which you can choose to accept other peoples limitations and try to agree with these peoples limitations and hopefully come to a compromise with them, by accepting there regulations and having them accept your own ideas. <br />
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The other door is the back door on which you existed yourself from the lives those who felt have hurt you. <br />
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Then theres the Window you had to climb out of, because either its true your Sons partner wants you out of your Sons life for all the reasons she should not have you exit your Sons life. And you are finding theres no front door to which you can back come into your Sons life.<br />
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Then theres the back door, it might be locked for now, but one day that back door might be left unlocked because its your Son who exists the back door and enters his Moms life again through the front door.<br />
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Or a Sons partner made his Mother climb out of a window for all the right reasons, so that a partners happiness with a Mothers Son and happiness as a family with there children is not jeopardized by the Mother of a Son.<br />
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But the back door can be left unlocked on people lives, and regardless of the back door being left unlocked, a Son can choose to exist that back door anytime, either returning to his moms life through Moms front door, or Son can choose to keep his Mom out of his life with that back door remaining locked, or a Son can choose to exist that back door for a new lady or, to go back through the front door to get back into the life of the lady he left. <br />
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When you have your happiness, inside your heart, because you found new direction in life or chased your dreams in life that are now making you happy, or because you have found more people to make you happy after the people who you care about left you behind, or the people you care about in your life are still in your life to make you happy or came back into your life to make you happy, you will have your own Window in which you climbed in so you can admire the view in your own world of self-made joy.

Hello,<br />
<br />
MOMS & DADS WHO CAN'T STAND THEIR KID'S SPOUSE or significant other.<br />
<br />
A groundbreaking, new talk show hosted by a nationally recognized dating/relationship expert wants to speak with MOMS and/or DADS who are can't stand their kid's (18+) spouse or significant other. Shooting early June. For details, please send brief description and contact info to aargalian@yahoo.com.<br />
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Thank you!

i have a dil who intercepted a check and card i sent them for christmas 300.00 dollars and a month later cashed it. she made two attempts to cash it and was successful at bank of america. now one year later im informed by my daughter that he thinks i snubbed him at christmas. this is the lowest trick i have ever heard of ,,she will rot in hell for her actions. it hurts me to talk about it and there are other things that i could mention ,, but you get my drift. i have read many stories on this site and they are all the same heart breaking thing over and over. the best way to deal with it is to accept it and go on as you would with any other rude nasty person. put it behind you and live the best life you can without them. they will be held to answer someday with permanent consequences. sparkywho

Just an update on my situation. No word from either my son or DIL regarding the situation. I attempted to call him twice on his cell phone and he never called back. It is what it is and I realize that making any more attempts at repairing this relationship will only bring me back to the same situation where she will continue to try and abuse and control me. I think I am done.

Thanks for your comment ilovepennymybunny, I have read several comments on other stories from dils that seem to feel that mils are not hated for no reason. I beg to differ. There are plenty of mentally ill, controlling women out there that hammer away at their husbands for various reasons, usually to get control of everything in their lives and I got one of them. She can be the sweetest thing in the world when she wants something, but if you cross her, forget about it. She treats her own parents like dirt and if her mother didn't work for her as a nanny, she would have left. Her parents are divorced and her own father has walked out of the house enraged by her behavior. Lucky me. I worked with women like her in a clinical setting as a therapist and their children and I am so worried about my grandchildren because she doesn't know the first thing about bringing up a child. And that is from a professional standpoint. No love, just phony behavior and pretense. Children get that.

i don't understand why us moms of sons have to be treated like dirt. i worked just in a grocery store and the moms of sons always hurt, sounds somewhat like my dil, won't dare come to my house, i have to go there, she always goes outside and talks with her friends and neighbors or mommy and daddy show up, never fails and they won't look my way either, i think, rude, like mother like daughter.its hard isnt it, like the sons we raised and loved and cared for and would die for, will never be the same, like closing the door and saying good-bye, because the wife will always win.