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DIL Drives Me Crazy!

Well let me just start by stating "I DO NOT HATE my DIL", in fact she is a very nice person as long as everything goes HER way!  ....and of course She is ALWAYS RIGHT and everyone else is always wrong.  You have to EARN HER RESPECT, but she doesnt have to respect you if she doesnt want to...

Does anyone else have a DIL like this?  I have gone ABOVE and BEYOND to be a great mother-in-law and continue to get the "calls" from my son all the time to tell me what she is unhappy about regarding me.  I didnt do this right or that right....and heaven forbid me get to have the relationship I WANT to have with my grandchildren, it has to be when she says, what she says and how she says we will be with them..... It drives me crazy!!!

Does anyone else experience this?   

It feels SO GOOD to be able to V E N T!!!

 

 

Shawneegirl Shawneegirl 46-50 20 Responses Aug 4, 2009

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I know this post is old but I too have a witch like that living with me.....everything has to be her way...and she is a spoiled rotten selfish witch and I hate her so much

I understand where you are coming from. I can't seem to do anything right. Lately, my DIL has decided I am a bad mother and posted on FB that she would not bring the grand-kids over anytime soon because she doesn't approve of how I am. Then she when as far to post a week later that she feels I am high and mighty and who do I think I am..I'm just the step mother to her husband. <br />
My son has been mine for 20 years. She has also told our son that he can't come and see us and we aren't to see the kid in less she says so. Our son looks so depressed.....just at my wits ins.

I relate to all of you, especially unmom and libn...my nightmare started a year ago when my son married a nut and I was thrown under the bus at the wedding, seated in the back, not allowed in the pics..it was devastating. I expected an apology, but instead I was totally ignored the past year - his phone was restricted, I couldn't get through - no contact at Christmas, or Mom's Day, or birthdays...it has damned near killed me. I'm a single mom who gave my son everything, he's always told me I was a great mom..and now this nightmare. I too am in therapy, but am holding out on the antidepressants that I've been given. It is horrifying!! Obviously my dil has a mental illness, but with him going along with her, he cant be all there either...one more thing to the dil on this site, this is not the site for you, go away, this thread is for moms who have been terribly hurt and abused through no fault of their own.. I feel for all the other moms...I too am heartbroken..

I AGREE ....go AWAY EVIL DIL

Your experience is shared by many. Controlling daughters-in-law are the worst.

OMG they are. How can a son that was co close with us, just close the door on us? 4 years of hell. Heartbroken.

i would love to talk to other mothers who's son's have totally ditched them because of the girlfriend/wife. my son got a girlfriend who for some reason hates me, and i have now not seen my son for 5 years as he refuses to see or talk to me, because this "girl" doesn't like me. its like a death that never ends. i gave him everything, never in my wildest dreams would i have thought this would ever happen

ditto here. my son is unapproachable. We would get a minute phone call now and then when he was enroute back from work. But that is short lived. As soon as my DIL "makes up" stories about me, we lose contact all together. Meantime.. months and months go by and we don't see our grandkids. It is incomprehensible that my son, as close as this Italian family was, would shun his family like this, over ridiculous accusations. We did everything and more for him. They got married while in her hate mode towards us, never even saw my son get married. This has been almost 4 years of hell. A few cold weeks, (maybe) of a relationship, then she lies, makes trouble, then months of isolation. When we are together, I try to show her my love and love for the grandkids and basically kiss her a**. Control, brainwashing, and segregating. She uses my son as her front line, to disrespect us, scream at us and "shut the door" on us. All over lies, or over any dislike of any of our actions. Hates that we have friends. Accuses us of speaking ill of them. Whatever she can conjure up. And my son is submissive to her behavior. How can this be? How can this happen?

Sadmeme,

I am in the same boat as you. We moved 1000 miles to be closer to my son and his wife only to be treated like second class citizens. She gets in a rampage and we become the punching bag. Our son, stands beside her looking like a wounded animal. Most of the time not sure what to say or if he should because she will come down on him. I believe she holds the babies over his head (3-2- and 1).

I AGREE....I HOPE YOU ARE DOING BETTER NOW.....FOR ME IT HAS BEEN 2 YEARS OF COMPLETE HELL AS SHE TRIES TO TURN MY SON AWAY FROM ME....SHE IS DIRTY AND LAZY AND IT MAKES ME SICK.....

I hate my dil right now more than I have ever hated anyone, it's poisoning me. I have 2 dils. One has lived with us for four years, raising my grandson here since he was born. We let them live here so she and my son could save and get a place of their own. She was making over $500 clear a week. My son also made good money, working as a laborer. My son has a little savings. She never saved a dime, though we paid for everything here, food, utilities etc. in spite of my urging to save. And she was a terrible mother, and though I tried to handle it gently for the first couple of years, I got more aggravated with her sleeping all the time and not taking him to dr. visits. My son always stepped in and took over the child care. I recently found out she was stealing drugs from the vet office she worked at and was shooting them with needles!!!! I was going to make her leave then, but gave her a 2nd chance.Her mother came up from Florida and begged me to give her another chance and stayed for 3 weeks to help her learn how to take care of the child, and get on a schedule, etc. I've never been sorrier. 1 month ago I found more evidence she was using again. I had promised her mother I would let her know before I kicked her out. I did, and it came back to bite me in the ***. She fled with my grandson and went straight to DCF and the police and told them WE did drugs and it wasn't a safe place for my grandson. We have a beautiful home in the country with sandbox, swings, his own room, and many extended family members who love him. Now she has him and DCF won't let us take him from her in spite of our allegations until the custody court date which is 1 1/2 months later. I am sick at heart. I just want to take him back here and keep him here until the custody date and let the chips fall where they may. Oh, the point of this is "she felt depressed because of me and I made her do drugs". Stop making excuses DIL. Just learn from your elders and suck it up. When you get as old as me, you might know something.

I feel the same way you do. When I read this it remembered me of my situation with my DIL. Anything I do or say isn't good enough. Whenever I try and do something nice for her either she doesn't like it or its not good enough for her. She wants me to be best friends with her, but she won't allow my efforts. She's never liked me even when she was a kid. She will call me and go crazy and start yelling at me and crying and i tell her that i don't want her to call me with that mess and then she goes on about how i hate her when i dont. All i want is to have a relationship with her where we can be on speaking terms. We don't have to have a buddy buddy relationship but I atleast have one so that i will be able to talk to her and my granddaughter without it going into a fight. She makes me feel like i'm crazy. I just really don't know if i should keep trying to do stuff for her or move on and forget about it.

My grandsons mother is currently being investigated for welfare fraud in California, she filed for aid in two counties. She hasn't seen her son in more than 3 months and has received welfare benefits for over a year. When she does have him she leaves him with irrisponsible people. Her mother is a long time drug addict and has a warrant out for her arrest, her father is a 'retired' old time gangember that has spent more time in prison than out of it. He suffers from violent paranoid psycosis. These are the people she has left my grandson with in the past. We are beyond fed up with this girl and our son for bringing her into our lives. There isn't a moment that I don't worry over my grandsons safety when he sees her.

Let the law take care of her, they will and when that goes down, talk with your son. I don't know what legal rights grandparents have but if you feel your grandson is in danger, you have to speak about it with your son.

My dil has basically decided that I do not make good decisions because of a fight I had with my son when he refused to come to the hospital or help his father when he was ill. After 9 years of babysiting and driving the kids here and there, she took my name off of the daycare list without telling my son and has decided that I am no longer capable. She did the same thing to her parents but now leaves them there. she is obviously mentally ill but my son doesn't have the balls to fight her, so he does everything on his own as she is incapable and ill. I miss my grandchildren and have reached rock bottom even though i am in therapy and take antidepressants. I am ready to give up and cannot get out of bed or stop crying. How come people only remember the bad things and not all the good things I have done, including being available whenever I was needed.

I would confront it. Speak about it to your son. Tell him what it has done to you, and tell him what you want and need.

Yeah mine is the most stupid (or mentally ill) person I have ever met. Everything she says is wrong or a piece of gossip. You never know what will set her off. She once mentioned that she bought her baby a too small part of shoes when I agreed she said I was criticizing her. She told my son I hated him. I do not know if she is just a liar or actually mentally deficient. I am trying not to talk to her at all.

I can't even begin to summarize some of the things my son's girl has told him about me, or how she takes me or how she flips everything -- dils like that are total opportunists and talking with them at all is rather fraught with the danger of all of that. Your DIL is a liar. Unfortunately. Mine plays this game, she gets my son to put down one of his coworkers to me, knowing I would likely sympathize with my son. So as my son goes on and on with his complaint about his coworker, if I sympathize and say Oh he doesn't seem very nice, then she takes that and tells the girlfriend of my son's coworker, to make it seem like I just came out with a thought like that -- it is her way of manipulating anyone she knows that I know, I know my son's coworker's girl and she and I like each other. My son's girl is trying to harm that. She is a total piece of work, but I have realized it and don't "bite" when my adult son starts trying to get me to empathize/sympathize with him about anyone, I know she has put him up to it and he is too smitten to realize how lousy it is to milk me like that...but at least I don't fall for it any more. I hate the way she has influenced and affected my son, I really do.

As a DIL myself,,, I have the problem with my MIL. She hates me for taking her son away and is jealous. I have been nothing but kind to her and try to be a part of her life but she is controlling and wants us at her house every day of the week and if not then I'm a horrible DIL and I'm intentionally taking her son from her. Sometimes us DIL'S assume you hate us so we push away from you. Just a thought..

Sometimes, I think Dils like to believe that Moms hate them for "taking son away" and are "jealous". I think Moms just like to be able to keep their relationships with their sons normal, despite the fact that their sons got married. And....I also have heard the saying "push me away" about 50 zillion times from my Dil....so I would say that is just a cop out that young ppl use today and say...so I want to say to you, jut deal with it, and don't let yourself get "pushed away" -- just stand there and cope with the mom, and be nice to his mother, it is a lot easier and when you are older, you will be more glad you did that instead of being like a puffball who couldn't deal and just always took the road of being "pushed away".

THAT IS STUPID....FIRST OF ALL YOUR MIL DOESN'T FEEL JEALOUS OR FEEL LIKE YOU ARE TAKING HIM AWAY....MIL HAVE WAITED ALL OF THEIR SON'S LIVES FOR THEM TO MARRY A WONDERFUL GIRL WHO WILL BE LIKE A DAUGHTER TO THEM.....AND INSTEAD THEY GET A PSYCHO WITCH WHO TRIES TO DESTROY THE MOTHER SON BOND......MOST MIL JUST WANT THEIR SONS TO BE LOVED AND BE HAPPY......

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. My husband and I are middle class. We do not live beyond our means, except, we have ALWAYS over indulged on anything and everything for our only son. He is 32 years old and is and always has been our whole life. He was never a disappointment. He was a dream child. He is highly educated having a double Master’s Degree and a Doctorate Degree. We were always involved in every aspect of his life. This was not done forcefully, this was just how it was, we were family. We have NEVER not got a long with any of his friends, girlfriends or their families…….UNTIL NOW!!!!, or until he met my DIL.<br />
We are living in pure HELL! My son and DIL have been married 7 years with 3 children. Age 6, 4 and 1.<br />
We paid for the Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner and the wedding itself for approximately 16,000.00. Her parents don’t believe in weddings. But, they didn’t have any problem inviting guests. We had no input in the wedding, as my DIL called it, I was micro-managing. We have paid for parties, christenings, birthday parties, etc. They live 1 hour away, and during our bi-monthly visit we are text-messaged a grocery list. Upon our arrival we are never offered as much as a glass of water. She expects us to actively play with the children for 2 hours and then feed and put them to bed. This is not being a grandparent. They never come to our home (1 hour away), as we have dogs and she doesn’t like them. We celebrate holidays at their home or her family member’s homes.<br />
The children never call us, or acknowledge any gifts that we send for small holidays such as Halloween. My DIL makes a gift registry for the children and demands that it is used. If you purchase anything else but what is required from the list, she will return it.<br />
She DEMANDS RESPECT from everyone and gives NONE. <br />
She wants to control everything. She doesn’t want my son involved in anything from his past. Family, friends, relatives etc……..My son calls us when he is driving, if he isn’t alone he doesn’t take our calls. When it is our birthday my son has the children call us when she isn’t around.<br />
I NEED HELP!!!!! My husband and I love our son more than life itself, that is why we have tolerated this. However, I can’t do this anymore. I am tired of being angry. I could write forever on this subject, this doesn’t even scratch the surface.<br />
There are no vocal fights, she just treats us as if we do not exist. The real kicker is, we pay for my granddaughters pre-school $225.00 part-time each month. There is a link where we could view him in school on line which she never has given us the password, but her parents watch!!!!<br />
I am desperate, I do not want to lose my son, and he is completely aware of the situation, however it is easier for him to play along as she is so annoying she fights with him about us to the point where he interrupts his sleep. <br />
She has NEVER worked that is why she has all the energy!<br />
ADVICE, HELP!

Quit being a doormat. If you paid for everything (rehearsal dinner, et al.) you most assuredly should have had a voice. If you weren't allowed to put your two cents in, you should never have actually put your two cents in. End of subject. Small, intimate family only weddings are just as elegant and nice.

Get the password at school or quit paying!! You and your hubby seem to think that if you keep putting up $$$ that this will make it all happy and wonderful. All it does is get this woman to expect even more from you and feel like she can walk all over you - and shame on your son for not sticking up for you. I know they walk a fine balance between making their wives happy and keeping us content. I also know that we always tend to give more in the equation, but every once in a while I expect my son to tell my DIL to knock it off. And, so far, every once in a while he does!

You've established a pattern of giving money, then taking whatever crap she dishes out. She treats you like the hired help when you're there, she doesn't make any effort at all and thus far you have put up no boundaries or rules. Do it now. If possible, get your son alone, tell him how you feel and how you think things should change and start enforcing those changes. If he can't see things your way, at least a little bit, you've already lost him.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

Agree with having established a pattern of giving money and then the dil is walking on you, and your son should stick up for you, but somehow can't yet completely. I am heartened that your son has the kids call you when she isn't around. Shows he cares about you and cares about your connection with his kids, too. Don't worry about the halloween gifts not being thanked for by her, because the children will always remember you did that and will always be grateful to you for it in their lives, so keep doing that, and don't care if the dil doesn't say thank you, do it for those grandkids. I also am glad your son calls you, even if it is in his car while alone. My son can't talk by phone to me either, and I never get a call from him, so be glad you do get calls. I have to text my son and wait days on end sometimes for a reply and it hurts me and frustrates the living hell out of me, so be glad your son calls you. Isn't it all incredibly dysfunctional?? How it can be with a lousy dil?? Wow!! With my other son's wife, she planned her whole wedding, I had no input into it. I was OK with that, it was a thing she wanted to do with her Mom, sister and friends, the planning. So I just supported it and asked from time to time if she needed anything. When she did, she let me know. But even if I had paid a lot of money to help the wedding, I don't know if I would have cared about having a voice in any of it, really. Tell your son you would just like to hear from him on updates about how the schooling is going for your grandchild, since she won't give you the password. Maybe he will give you the password, but be content with if he tells you his child's progress? Just some thoughts

I can totally relate to all the stories I have read here. I have tried to get along with my DIL for eleven years and I'm done. The last straw was when she informed my grandchildren not to speak to me. I am going to quit buying school clothes, toys, food and everything else she thinks her family needs. I worked full time for 32 years and she can now get out of her chair, in front of the tv, and get a job if what my son makes isn't enough. She doesn't speak to her family, they do not know how lucky they are and she wants nothing to do with mine. If my son, who is suppose to be a grown man, wants to put up with it, so be it. I don't have to. I realize that to set her off you really don't have to do anything. It just depends on which brain cell of hers is working at the moment. To really set her off the best way is not to say anything, just smile. She hates it when she can't get an argument started. She likes to scream and yell. Oh well, I'm now going to be a little selfish with my time and money and do my thing and my head will quit hurting and my stomach won't be as upset. Maybe some of the wrinkles will go away!

My DIL is realizing how lucky she has it that I don't work any more and I'm available to babysite whenever she wants. Also lucky that I don't have my DIL &amp; son living with me, like others on here. Still not sure why I never seem to do anything right, she married my finished project (my son), but she has all these rules for the baby. Aye, aye, aye!! I suppose this too shall pass.......... we'll see. Remember no one can take advantage of you without your permission!

I have a DIL who has totally made it to where my son won't talk to me, and I can't see my grandchild. And here's the kicker- I have no idea why. She has also hacked my daughter's facebook account, and made it to where my son won't talk to my other son or daughter. We didn't do anything. I really don't understand it, but she has caused so much drama, I cried for days. I went to counseling, and finally realized there's nothing I can do except protect the children I have at home. It's heart-breaking when my son, who's 11, wants to call and talk to his brother. She's nuts.

I have a DIL who has totally made it to where my son won't talk to me, and I can't see my grandchild. And here's the kicker- I have no idea why. She has also hacked my daughter's facebook account, and made it to where my son won't talk to my other son or daughter. We didn't do anything. I really don't understand it, but she has caused so much drama, I cried for days. I went to counseling, and finally realized there's nothing I can do except protect the children I have at home. It's heart-breaking when my son, who's 11, wants to call and talk to his brother. She's nuts.

I don't hate my DIL, but honestly don't know why everything I say turns into this big deal for her. She's expecting now and I asked her how she was going to set up the nursery. She looked at me as if I'd grown another head and tells me she hasn't thought of "doing the nursery" yet. (Like I'm an idiot for even asking.) Later I find out she thought I was being bossy for asking. What?? In my mind, being bossy would have been buying all the stuff and then telling her that whatever I had bought was how she should set up the nursery. I asked her later about getting organic stuff for the baby, she immediately shut me down and said the baby had all the organic stuff needed in her tummy. What?? So, bottom line, I'm never going to ask her about the baby ever again. Obviously even a casual comment elicits this major "conspiracy" in her mind, so better not to bother.

She is just into drama. And hooked on it. Don't let her get a rise out of you, ever. Just expect the dramas and keep having a good day despite them.

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I can definitely relate. My DIL is living with me because her and my son had a child. I really have to keep my mouth shut because of my grandchild. But I really can say I hate her and have a few lovely fantasies about her meeting an untimely demise, and in reality both my son and my grandchild would be better off. I spend the majority of my day taking care of my grandchild while she spends her time on the computer, watching TV, or reading. Then she acts as though she is exhausted from taking care of the little one. <br />
My son is great; he is working full time, going to school full time and doing everything else. She rarely cooks for him or the baby, and when she does she acts as though she has done the most fantastic thing that has ever been done. I have to clean up her mess. I do my sons and my grandchilds laundry the majority of the time. She is snide and rude, I have even heard her saying nasty and untrue things about me behind my back. It did not shock me though because I can't think of one person whom she hasn't bad mouthed including her entire family. <br />
When my mother who is in her late seventies came to visit she was rude to her; my mother who is generally a very mild and sweet lady commented on what a b....h she was. Everyone in my family who has met her can't stand her. <br />
She spends every penny she can get her hands on. Which defeats a bit of the reason they are living at my house, so my son could save up some money and get an education.<br />
I am really questioning whether or not she is causing my grandchilds medical problems. She seems to love the attention, and lies and exagerates the medical issues for attention from her friends and family. She also will give him excessive laxatives when he is constipated, and then goes on about how he has diarrhea, and is under weight. She is constantly griping at me about feeding him. She is also mean to my grandchild constantly telling him what a brat, monster, bother, annoyance he is. I have actually said something about all of this to my son and he doesn't know what to do; he is afraid she will take the baby and run. So I feel very trapped. I am afraid to leave the house and leave my grandson alone with her. She ignores him most of the time, and is mean to him the rest of the time.<br />
I know this is really long but it has really felt good to vent all of this.

turkstragal....That's the story many MIL's have about this generation. They want to be respected just because they breathe. They don't see a reason to earn respect as we did.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I think you are doing the right thing by saying nothing. I would; when the opportunity arises, let your son know that you are proud of him for not talking to you disrespectfully or talking to his inlaws disrespectfully...and let it be....because as soon as you react negatively in front of these young girls... they will use it against you...they don't see themselves as instigaters....they just recall what you say after they goat you. It's a new world. Read some of theire stories; it's all about what MIL says and never a word of what was said to provoke the reaction. They go on and on about MIL's reactions.<br />
<br />
Don't react and Good luck to you

Excellent post chaus

Sounds alot like the selfish dil I have. The differance is I have mine living with me and trust me it is not fun or easy. I have never felt so disrespected in my life. Even my own kids while going through their difficult teens never treated me as rotten as she does. So far I have not said anything to her but the time is coming when I will need to speak my mind. I was kind of hoping my son would step up and let her know she needs to watch how she treats me but so far no luck. I was stepping back because I do not like to create any tension at home. Things are hard enough when you have to live within an extended family but at this point I am starting to think I have done more harm than good by keeping quiet all this time.

Why do you let them live with you AND put up with the disrespect?