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Most Selfish and Disrespectful Person I Know

I live in a 3 bedroom apartment with my husband and 2 of my 4 kids. At least it was just us until recently. About 6 months ago my oldest son moved home bringing with him his wife Angel and their baby--my beautiful granddaughter who is 2 years old.

Before my son and his family moved in we put up a door to block off part of the apartment so they would have 3 rooms and a private entrance. This way they would have some privacy as well. We also discussed that they needed to pay $500 per month to help with expenses.  They were also asked to help with groceries as much as they are able to. I work full time but do not make much money and my husband only recently found a job as a maintenance person which does not pay much either. Since we are still supporting 2 minor kids (ages 14 and 16) we figured its only fair that they help out by supporting themselves. They have internet, phone and satellite all provided for them and for the most part we have been buying all the food. I also do all the dishes, cooking and housework. I feel they are getting a good deal for  $500 per month. I wish I had it so easy at their ages.

Anyhow things semed to be running fairly smooth all things considered. Angel got a full time job at a coffee shop and my son for now is home looking after the baby. Recently Angel took the baby to go visit her family. Last night she called my son and said she had not decided if she wants to come home or not. Her reason is because she thinks we are being unfair and expecting to much from her. She told him she was talking to her grandma and they feel it is unfair of us to expect them to pay rent. She said that we are money hungry and greedy. I have never felt so disrespected and taken advantage of in my life, I was struggling  financially before they even moved in just trying to support our own family and they had been told this. I dont understand how she figures I was going to support them. They had moved in at a time when my husband had been out of work for almost 2 years.

So I was wondering, does it sound like I am being  unfair. What do you think. I have given up so much for them including my privacy as my husband and I are sleeping on couches in the living room. Are we being that terrible to them,What else should we be doing for them. I have bought diapers and things for the baby when she needs it and have even babysat a few times after working all day just so they could go out for a while with their friends. I babysat for nothing, not even a thank you.Pretty nice for someone as greedy and money hungry as we are dont you think.

So thank you EP for giving me a place to rant and express myself..Any ideas and opinions from you readers will be appreciated. Please tell me if you think I am being unfair or if I need to be changing something..I would really appreciate any comments..Thanks again everyone.....

turkstragal turkstragal 41-45 10 Responses Aug 5, 2009

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I think it would help your dil feel better if your son worked too. I realize daycare costs also but that's just reality. With her being the only one working, and your son not working, she feels like everyone is expecting too much of her. It is understandable, don't you think?

Oh Sweetie, I have a story for ya, and no you are NOT being unfair! My daughter in law is a selfish, self centered ***** and I hope karma comes and bites her right in her *** along with my son! She has manipulated him so bad that he is pushing his own family away and he's allowing it! Christmas 2010 we had 8 inches of snow and my husband and I decided that the roads were to bad to make the 45 minute journey to their house. Needless to say my son no longer talks to me and I am banned from seeing my two grand sons. She changed her phone# and blocked me from all communication! My daughter just gave birth to a baby girl and they didn't even come to her shower! HER OWN BROTHER! They didn't even call after the baby was born by emergency c section and to me that is wrong.

Stop placing ALL of the blame on your DIL and start placing ALL of the blame on that wonderful boy YOU raised. Your DIL can't make your son do anything he doesn't want to. If he doesn't want contact or a relationship with his EXTENDED family that is ALL ON HIM.

Its pretty horrible your own son couldn't use his own hands to pick up the phone to call his sister who just gave birth. THAT is all on him. I guess you didn't raise him to value the importance of family......well extended family that is.

I am near 60 years old, disabled from job related accident, no cost of living raise in four years. I have a 1994 vehicle with almost 300K miles, a 1200 square foot home and that is all I own. No stocks, no CD's, no retirement. I spent everything I had saved bailing my son and DIL out of debt and traffic tickets. My ex, who is my son;s father bought them a trailer in a nice quiet rual trailer park. They had two babies, my son worked several jobs. DIL never cleaned the house, washed clothes, cleaned up the feces and urine that pet cats left in house, never cooked or tended the children. Her mother took the children during the day and my son picked them up and brought them home at night. DIL walked in when the baby was 4 months old and said she did not want to be a wife or mother, she left. I live in another state, rarely saw them and never interferred in their lives, other than send money when they asked for it. I trusted my son and financially helped them because I believed I was helping. DIL number one left and never came back. Son cursed and yelled at me, told all kinds of stories blalming me for their demise. Then without a word he adopted out my grandchildren. I did not even know it until almost five months later when after sending him money regularly after DIL Number one left, I wanted to come celebrate grandbaby number one birthday. I was cursed and disrespected in ways I never believed possible. Within 18 months he was married again and moved 14 hours away. Married to 2 women, already with two babies and now another one on the way he remained angry and remarkably cruel. This is a child I brought into the world who never gave me a moments worry and was kind, respectful and always a gentleman. I do not know this man who he has become. DIL number two is visually and emotionallly a cookie cutter of DIL number one. Nimber one was white female, number two DIL is from a different culture. My son is a white male. Number two DIL is so angry, so volitile, so vile and truely wicked and makes every effort to drive a wedge between me and my son. One minute she was telling me my son was bisexual, looked for other women to bring home, was violent and mean to her and the children, and the next minute she is telling me how much she loves him and how wonderful he is. I believe her meaness and cruel ways are from some mental condition. My son loves this young woman,,so I try to love her too. I talked to her and told her I would love to treat her like a daughter,,she screamed at me " I already have a mother", "If you want a relationship with your son and our children fine, just leave me out of it." I was stunned. Then she demanded I leave her house, where we had just returned from grocery shopping and essential shopping where I laid out another $600. It was Christmas Day Night. Dec 25, My flight was not to leave for another four days,,there were no rental cars and no taxi service to their apt, complex, My son sat silently allowing this to continue. 18 monthts later she called me and asked me to come to help her with their first child so she could go to the hospital to have their second child, so my son would not miss any work. That is how I found out about their child number two and my grandbaby number four. I called my son and laid down some ground rules, and asked him to talk to his wife and agree there would be no more disrespectful outbursts. If they could agree to that , I would come help. After agreeing, I got on a plane and went to help them. As I stepped off the plane,,and met my son at the airport, his cell phone was ringing, she was screaming at the top of her lungs telling him to take the ***** to the grocery store and buy the items on the list she had provided him and not to even think of coming home without everythiing on the list. for the first time in many years i saw shame and dispare on my son;s face, embarassment and anger. He was still in his dirty work clothes and had child number 3 with him. She needed brand name products,and the list was better food than I eat. The list had tolietries, soap , diapers, etc, as well as paper products, and cleaning products. $700 later we were on our way to their apartment. <br />
DIL number 2 never came outside to help with anything, "she was 9 months pregnant and I felt fine that she stayed inside and began to direct my son where to put the groceries and other items. She did hold the baby while my son and I unloaded the car and put everything away.<br />
I asked what she wanted for dinner and she said she had already called for delivery., then she informed me that the bill would be $27.00 and I needed t give the drive a $5 tip,because that is what she thought he deserved. She told me they did not have any money for anythng but for gas for both vehicles and as long as I was there, it would be my responsibility to pay for whatever they needed while I was there, using their food, soap, drinks, hot water, cleaning products and toliet paper.. Then she told my son to take a shower and bring her food to her in her bedroom because she could not stand to look at me and I certainly had nothing of value to say to her that she wanted to hear. She told us to feed , bath and put the baby to bed.. She went to the hospital the next day,,stayed there four days that I took full advantage of spending quiet quality time with my son and grandson. It was a wonderful four days, and I finally found my son , the one I gave birth to again, We laughed, he showed me pictrures I had never seen,,,gave me copies and made me hide the copied in my car. He said he could not help himself, he loved her. I told him i would never make him or ask him to choose between his wife and family over his mother. On the day she brought the new baby home,,my son was at work, unable to get off. She called me and instructed me to pick her up. I got my grandson ready, strapped in, fueled the car, and headed for the hospital. I was met with a sour puss face, ungrateful cursing and loud and abusive verbage about me taking my sweet fat *** time to come get her,,She demanded her car keys as the doctor stood there in shock as she ranted and raved,,shouted orders and demanded I show her some RESPECT. The doc told her it was too dangerous for her to drive, she told him fine. I carried both babies down as she cursed the nurses who made her ride in a wheel chair to the exit . As soon as she was out in the parking lot she snatched the keys out of my hands and jumped in the drivers seat, screamed at me to hurry up, move my ***, refering to me getting the babies into the car. Demanded I sit in the back seat of this small car between the babies and went ballistic when I refused to squeeze into that space made for a pocket book, and walked to the front riders seat and pushed the seat back and got in. She refused to move the car an inch until i did exactly what she told me to do. With both babies screaming now,,I calmly looked at her and told her NO.<br />
I offered to drive and let her sit with her babies, she emphatically demanded I comply with her orders or else. I took a deep breath, looked her straight in those glazed piercing eyes and told her she could either drive or we could sit there all day, it did not matter to me. She screamed out of the parking lot burning tires , then turned the radio up so loud my ears hurt. I turned it off and calmly explained how the loud sounds could cause permanent damage to the babeis hearing.<br />
She told me she was their mother and she would do any damn thing she wanted, however: when she stopped at the stop light,,and began reaching for the radio dial, I covered it with my hand and said nothing. She relinquished and took a breath. Drove all over town, stopped at WalMart and took that newborn baby into the store to shop, while the older baby frightened from all the commotion puked all over the floor then had uncontrolable diareah before lying down on the floor and began sobbing uncontrolably. She picked him up by one arm and spanked him, and told me to take care of "THIS MESS". I was grateful for the kind associate who had watched this happen and already had a bucket and a mop and a clean beach towel to wrap my grand son up in.<br />
I took him to the childrens section, got diapers,and wipes,,lotion and a set of clothes and shoes and took him to the ladies room where I bathed him , dressed him and bagged his messy clothes.<br />
The associate stayed with me and helped me all the way. She wanted to know if I wanted to call the police. Who brings a newborn baby, fresh out of the hospital into a laarge retail store to shop after being told by her doctor to go straight home and keep the visitors down to protect the baby from any airborne bacterial or viral infection. The associate got a sippie cup and a bit of water and I sat up front with him as he calmed down and fell asleep. She stayed in that mega store for over one hur and thrity minutes. I could hear her calling out my name and I kept quiet. She was a a register with no money and a basket full of things that my son and I had already bought and had brought home. I never moved and I never looked her way. She slammed a bottle of baby food on the conveyor belt and broke the bottle spraying mashed green peas all over the clerk, the new baby and herself. Then she pointed at me and yelled as loudly as she could,,there is that lazy fat ***** who ate all our food and promised to replace it,,she is going to pay for this one way or the other. I never moved,,I never looked at her.The associate who had helped me went ot my D"iL side and quietened her down. She finally opened her purse,,put only a handful of items on the scanner and left all the rest of the items either in the basket or on the belt. She paid for the few items and walked out the door , never speaking to me. I did not move. Twenty minutes later, she came storming back into the store, demanding i get my fat *** in the car or I was going to have to walk home. I never said a word.. She ranted on for about five minutes and finally ran out of steam,<br />
when she got quiet, i calmly told her that as soon as she apopologized to me for her behavior I would be happy to bring the baby to the car. She said fine, I am sorry. I walked to the car, put the baby in the car seat and before I could walke around the car she drove off, leaving me in the Wal-Mart parking lot. By that time the police had arrived and after listening to the store manager and the associates and other store customers,,then looking at the store survielance tapes, took me back to my son;s home. He was there, she had called him home from work,and pointed at the police car and yelled at the crowd of neighbors she had incited --see they arrested her fat ***,<br />
then to the officers,,"take her to jail, we are going to press charges". The Sgt. opened the door and helped me out of the car. This made her furious and my son had to restrain her. he was almost crying and so upset and humiliated. He told me I was going to have to go now, becsue she was not going to let me stay in the apt. I had the police wait for me until I got everything of mine out of the house,, I handed my son the key to his house, took a couple of pix of him with the kids and he took a couple of me with the kids and I got in my truck and drove away.. I slept in my car the first night in the fire department parking lot,,,the second night the firefighters let me sleep in the woman's bunk room. I met my son for lunch, he explained she was bipolar and apologized for the bad behavior.. That was October 19, 2007, I have not seen my son or grandchildren since that day. They sent back all the birthday presents, Christmas Presents and cards and now my son says I cannot be a part of his life or his familiys; life. He refuses to send me any pic of the kids.<br />
On July 03 2010 my fifth grand child was born,,I found out about that at a birhtday party in Virginia. She has some major physical deformaties and has alreaady had surgery, that is all I know. His divorce from his first wife came four years after he married wife number 2, so he and wife number 2 remarried. Both Daughter In Laws and my own son stole from me, by committing fraud.<br />
<br />
Here in lies the lesson; I made the decisions to give them money, I did not verify the facts, I was the enabler, the fool, the one who should have known better. Now all my money is gone and I am responsible for my dire situation. Trust but verify. Never "lend" ( i use that term losely) money to friends or family. When a person is violently disrespectful or even slightly disrespectful to you; you must be firm and take action immediately. Give consequences and follow through, no matter how many grandbabies they use for ransome, bait or lure you to find your heart strings. Never listen to your heart when it comes to money,,use your head and isten to your first gut reaction, <br />
Love them, Let them live thier own lives and let them pay the consequences for their bad choices and bad behavior. They will never appreciate anything they are given if they don;t have to work for it. Let them find out the hard way what hard work and sacrifice means. Demand and give respect. Never feel ashamed or guilty for helping them stand on their own two feet by cutting off the money and simply love them the best you can. Be smart, be safe, be well.,

Wow, what a long, sad story. I'm so sorry that you've been treated like this. I have two sons, and one DIL. While she's definitely a pain, she sounds like a princess compared to what you're going through. God bless you and hope life gets better.

Intense story, your dil is horrible. Sometimes I think we have to tell our sons how to be men, to women like that. But it probably would not help. Hopefully your son will get thru this whole experience too and be able to realize. I hope so.

havenone, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. My heart cries out for you. What a nightmare! That second DIL has something much worse than bipolar disorder. She sounds like a sociopath or severe narcissist. I'm glad you've decided to never let her abuse you like this again. I think it would be best if you stayed away from her entirely. Clearly, she's manipulating your son. Hopefully, someday soon, he'll see through her and leave her.

I'm confused. You came in on a plane and left in your truck?

I'm not sure I believe this person's story.

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Well I did it...I finally had to put my son and his little family out of my house..I had thought most of the troubles we were having were coming from my DIL but now I think my son was just as much to blame..The last straw came on Sunday..My DIL had got paid this past Thursday and paid nothing towards her rent and did not buy groceries or anything..I get paid bi weekly and it was not my pay week so I was pretty much broke..I sat back and watched them order and pay for a bunch of take out, beer and video games..Sunday my son was looking for something to eat and asked when I was going to get some groceries..I told him I only had enough money to feed my two younger boys and since they had not helped with groceries in over a month they would need to get their own this week..Of course they were broke by this time..My son had the biggest temper tantrum I have ever seen..He called me every dirty name he could think of and told me that I havent done anything to help them since they have lived here..I told him that helping him is paying for things they need when they can not afford it as long as they are trying to help themselves but I will not sit by and do everything for them while they waste their own money..They need to be responsible for their own lives as much as they can..I have towork full time to support them while he does not even help with the chores around the house or anything..I am his mother not his maid..Well needless to say neither one of them liked what I said to them and boy did they get mad..I have never been disrespected to that degree by anyone in my entire life..I did what I had to do..I ordered them out of my house..My son says I am no longer a part of his family and he hopes I die..At first I was very upset..I have a panic disorder and ended up having an anxiety attack..After they left and things calmed down I realized I have no reason to feel guilty about anything that happened..I did everything I could to help them..I can not force them to take responsibility for their selves..They were sitting here taking advantage of me, spending money on themselves knowing that I would still keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies..Well no more..I have 2 minor boys at home that depend on me and I will not make them do without things just so I can take care of a couple selfish immature brats..The only thing that does worry me a bit is my granddaughter and the neglect they show her..Just the day before this they had her at the hospital because she had ate a package of children strength gravol..They were playing video games instead of looking after her like they usually do..I sure hope whoever they are staying with looks after that baby like I was since I know her parents are to selfish to bother with her...

I would talk to your son about it. I know your DIL is the problem right now but he should deal with his family and she should deal with hers. If you really feel that she needs to be involved in the conversation talk to them together. It might be better that way anyhow. I refuse to have a conversation with anyone in my husband's family without him present so that nothing can be misinterpreted and later on I can not be accused of misunderstanding what was said. With your son there she can not pull that one on you.

Well my DIL came home from her visit a couple days ago..So far even though pay day has come and gone there has been no mention of her paying her rent which has been being paid every 2 weeks..She has been avoiding us since she came back..Should I ask her whats up or will that sound like I am being greedy..I need to know what her plans are since I just found out that I am being laid off from my job in the next month or so and my income is the main one to pay for everything around here..Not sure what to do now but I am really starting to feel the stress..

Wow! It's unfortunate that some people are so ungrateful.

The place my son and dil were living is about 3-4 hours away from here but her grandma lives in the same city they are living in. They were living in a low income housing apartment. It had just been sprayed for cockroachs and was needing it again after 1 month. In the summers there were stabbings and gang fights on the play area..Even tho grandma was living closer to them it was me that offered to let them come here and get a new start. Grandma would lend them money for food sometimes but thats all. when I went to visit them about 2 months before they moved here they had no food of any kind in the house, not even bread for the baby.. Grandma wasnt much good then either. i spent the little money I had brought with me on groceries while at home we lived on peanut butter and jelly for most of the week. Not even a thank you.

Coming from a DIL, I do not think you are being unfair at all in asking that they help with expenses. $500 may or may not be too much for them but you told them upfront that's what you expected and if it was a problem for them they should have looked into other options. <br />
<br />
If her grandma thinks it is so unfair and has a problem with it why hasn't she taken them in? She wasn't working until recently and your son isn't working so it should have been easy enough for them to relocate if grandma lives farther away.