I Can't Do Anything Right.....

I have been kicked out of my son and grandchildrens lives by my OCD daughter in law.    I guess I should have known it was coming as the DIL has previously parted ways with all her family.   She hates and villifies them continually.   We have always been there for them, remembered birthdays, stepped up to help whenever necessary, praised my DIL to my son and always told him to do what is necessary to keep his family together.    We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars getting them out of difficult financial issues due to the DIL compulsive spending.    Last year they moved in with us due to a house foreclosure, with seven children.   My son could not find a job, so we paid him to keep up our small property and do odd jobs and our DIL to clean our house which she did three times in three months.   After two months of non stop noise, 1200.00 dollar grocery bills and 1800.00 electric bills and little help from the kids or DIL, I finally blew up over one of the childrens disrespectful treatment of a friend who came to our home.  My son screamed and yelled at me and used horrible language directed toward me and an innocent 13 year old girl.  He stormed out, they moved out and went back home and guess what they still had the house, all bills were paid for three months and the children received new school clothes and supplies that we purchased to the tune of over 4000.00 dollars.  

 

We enjoyed our DIL and always treated her with respect, she was such a wonderful person.    When she was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago things started to change.   We just noticed the huge change when she moved in.   She was angry, irritable, bitter and treated my son horribly, always threatening to leave with the children. 

 

Do we back out of their lives as requested or keep trying?   We've been told by the DIL in text, we are not to contact her, my son or the family in any way.      

 

sadintexas sadintexas
56-60, F
8 Responses Mar 13, 2010

Ha, my son was out of work for a while. He'd come over every once in a while and when he was leaving, I'd give him $30 or whatever I happened to have in cash in my purse. My DIL always thought that was the most ridiculous thing to do. I thought I was being nice, giving him some extra gas money or whatever. (She works and makes very good money, so they weren't homeless or anything, but I always thought I'd still give him a little extra.) Guess I'm lucky to have such a self-sufficient DIL.

I couldn't make much sense of the comment either. <br />
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I've already asked on another story but would you like to adopt a DIL? LOL <br />
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You seem very compassionate and understanding! Your DIL and her mental illness has caused a strain in your life and your family and you still say you know there's a wonderful person in there who you want back. It takes a big person with a big heart to be in your shoes and still say such caring things about her. <br />
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Unfortunately I think all you can do is continue giving them some space. Hopefully she will seek help soon, it's one of those sad realities where she is the only one who can help herself and she has to make that choice. BUT for the record, I think she is a spoiled rotten, ungrateful brat who has no clue how good she's got it with you. Keep your chin up!

My son loves his wife, I have no desire to see him break up the family. I want my DIL to seek help. And yes, I do know why she is estranged from her family. She has done the same thing to her father and mother, she did to us. She uses family for money until they are done then kicks them out of her life. Her anger and unhappiness drives people away. If she would get counseling, her life might smooth out. <br />
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Am I angry, yes. My spouse, not my son's father, and I have supported them through constant crisis. We have shorted ourselves to make sure our grandchildren were fed and clothed. And this has gone on for 10 years. During this crisis, my spouse was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery, lost his job because of the cancer treatment and we are now having to relocate. Mother's Day has passed and did I hear anything from my son, no. <br />
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I don't hate my DIL. Inside somewhere is that wonderful person we know. However refusing to get help and treating family with contempt is not right. <br />
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I am not sure what lavenderroses is trying to say. The comment was somewhat confusing garbled. When you have walked in my shoes, you'll have a different perspective. Frankly your comment was presumptious and not helpful!

"I remind myself frequently that he can divorce his wife but he can never divorce his mom."<br />
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A Mother of Son with a mental illness would have no problem letting others know her Sons female partner has a mental illness, a Mother's Son might never disclose that she has a mental illness if a Mother of a Son is letting others know her Sons female partner has a mental lillness. <br />
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Just because a Daughter might not be on good terms, with her family, a Mother of a Son trys to justify her Sons female partner as being at fault, if shes not on good terms with her family. Sometimes the reason a Daughter might not get along with her family might not be her fault, perhaps theres mistreatment of the Daughter within the family at present or from the Daughters childhood or youth that is never discussed with the family of the Son or never witnessed by the Sons family.<br />
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Sad really selfish Mothers raise selfish Sons who are choosing to no longer love a woman all because his Mother has found fault in a female partner of his. Because raising a Son to think what makes a Son feel important as a Son is if he puts his Mother above the Woman or people his Mother does not wish to be around. Bringing for the Selfish Mothers of Sons reward in being the centre of attention in there Sons lives.<br />
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These Sons feel if I make my Mother the most important person in my life. In regards to fullfilling my Mothers requests, giving into my Mothers manipulation, allowing my Mother to judge my female partner. Meddle in my relationship with my female partner. And siding with my Mother. Choosing to dump the female partner I was with. Or choosing the partner my Mother would have wanted for me instead of the female partner I wanted in my life. Without letting my Mother know how this upsets me.<br />
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Only Then I have done my duty as a Son to his Mother in making my Mom feel loved and important, Because as a Mother of a Son it is my duty to put my Mothers happiness above the happiness of a Woman/Women or people my Mother does wish to be around. Because its to be seen Mothers of Sons have there Sons best interests at heart. A Sons Mother may also make it known to her Son and to others she has her Sons best interests at heart . <br />
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By judging a Sons female partner, a Mother to a Son can come across as a Mother who is worried about her Sons welfare. When in reality, judging a Sons female partner to other people, in a way that a Mother feels worried about her Sons welfare. Is just an excuse for a Mother of a Son to get away with finding fault in the Sons female partner for the misery either she or her son is experiencing in there lives.

I have tried numerous times to contact my son and he refuses my calls. My DIL sends all the birthday cards we send to our grandchildren back unopened with the words "Crazy *****" circled next to our return address. <br />
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I love my son and will continue to attempt to contact him. I know they are struggling financially.. They have just about used up all the family so I suppose when things get terrible, they will contact us for money.

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<br />
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Thank you!

My DIL is bi-polar and for almost a year she had us convinced she was worthy of our love and friendship. We folded her and her autistic daughter into our lives. But............... this got scary with a few incidents and then a full blown, crash bi-polar melt down. My son never flinched though. He's a respectable human being. When he found out she had emailed me a vile email he was not too happy but I think he finally sees her for who she really is and at least he has his guard up. Found out that she has had an argument so far this week with her mother, sister and cousin. So keep your spirits up! I remind myself frequently that he can divorce his wife but he can never divorce his mom. I would have your son over for a CALM talk. Tell him how you are hurt and have him visist with you without her.

I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience with your son and his family. How do you feel about still trying after all this??? Are you angry at all ?? I would be, but I would still want a relationship too - so what do you do??? I can't answer it for you - time will answer your question for you. Good Luck and keep your chin up - things will get better !!! BJ