Narcissist and a Manipulator

Posted Feb 13th, 2009 at 4:02PM My daughter has had an on again-off again relationship with the same boy since 9th grade! She is now in her 2nd year of college which yes we do pay for and this boy is a Marine now in Iraq. He has been awful to my daughter and they have broken up numerous times. I have read and witnessed what a jerk this boy is.All throughout high school, he ignored her while they were dating, he only had her at his house and never out in public, his guy friends always came first and he would make her sit at home and wait for him to call her. He acts as if he owns her. Just very recently, when they began communicating again, he threatened her in a email saying if he hears of her getting with another boy , he will kill her!! ( they have been broken up for over eight months this time!!! ). I  have argued non stop with my daughter for years all because I cannot tolerate the way he is with her.He acts as if he is the closest thing to God and ppl need to either fear him or respect him.He knows my daughter is a good girl who will make a good wife. He has told her that she fits the picture.When hes not dating my daughter, he has 2 other girls he jumps between, then when he gets bored, hes right back telling my daughter how he messed up and only loves her. And how he will change.IT INFURIATES ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!She always takes him back. She has lost all her friends because of him ( yes he also threatens all her guy-friends and her girlfriends are so done with her because she shows no self respect and allows him to play her like a puppet). Our relationship has been destroyed because of this one boy. She becomes extremely defensive when I even bring up the subject. Ive even asked him why he can't just stay the @#%& out of our lives and he only laughs at me. He wanted to know my feelings towards tattoes, and after finally telling him of my distaste towards them, he then took my daughter for a tattoe on her wrist which sickens me every time I see it because it reminds me of his games. Now shes away in college, and hes in Iraq..alls safe??? NOOOOO...he ended it with his other gf and is now back dating my daughter. they talk every single day and they email all day long to each other.He wakes her at whatever time in the middle of night. shes not concentraing on her school work because she is now obsessed with her relationship with him.Now she tells me he bought her a yorkshire tea cup poddle for valentines day and she needs to drive to his parents house(shes at college 7 hours away) to go and pick it up. My daughter lives in the dorms at college and my husband is refusing her to bring the dog here when she comes home for break . She told my husband fine she will live elsewhere. I  feel just awful it has too be like this.I have never imagined this would happen to my family.I have done everything and anything for my children . It had gotten sooo bad, I am becoming burnt out by the whole situation. I am trying my hardest to let go. this has been slowly killing me. I have no more spark left. My Dr even gave me anti-depressants immediately after I had explained the whole situation to him.I won't take them because they are not the fix to this problem. I feel I have lost the battle and this turd has won.There is no explaining the pain that goes along with this.We cannot even find a middle ground here. I feel this is all a game with this boy. He wants to win the control over my daughter. I cannot imagine how I can ever come to look him in the face ever after he has rob soo many precious years from my relationship with my daughter.I know in my gut their relationship cannot last (it never lasted any length of time in the past).His parents adore my daughter, so they are very supporting to them and has pulled my daughter even further away from me..making me out to be the enemy.The more we argue, the closer they become.I'm losing her and theres nothing I can do about it. I can never get back the years in between, and I find it extremely unbearing to know he is out to alienate her from her family. I have tried every avenue to make this boy go away..... but as my daughter says...whats meant to be , will always find a way.......
The only thing I can possibly do now is too let go, let him have her, along with her car insurance, health insurance, cell phone bill, gasoline bill and luggage. She will be back and hopefully I'll still be around and then and only then can we try to make up for lost time. If anyone has any better advice, we'd all love to hear it . Thank-you new Ajax.InPlaceEditor('cedit_1487779', '/ajax/edit_entry_comment.php', {rows:5,cols:60,callback: function(form, value) { return 'c=1487779&e=397291&comment=' + escape(value) }});
distraughted distraughted
4 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Is your daughter still with this guy or has she finally seen through him? I'm writing a feature for a British magazine about mums who disapprove of their daughter's partners and am looking for a mum/daughter where the daughter finally saw her mum was right and her boyfriend was a creep. If you want to talk, drop me a line.<br />
<br />
Thanks<br />
<br />
Karen <br />
karencrossfreelance at me dot com

Something like your situation is just starting with my 17 year old daughter and I don't seem to have any power over it at all. It tears my heart out. Her creepy jailbird, leech of a boyfriend is manipulating her to the max and I guess she sees it as caring. I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown over the last 6 months but now I realize I just have to say "no more" when she turns 18 or graduates from HS this June... then she can fend for herself and maybe it will help her see the light. But it's so sad... I never thought something like this would come between my daughter and I. She always has been such a nice person but now wavers between acting as if she hates me (even though everything she has comes from me...) and acting moderately defiant. Before this guy we were very close. Now she is a closed book. I sympathize with you and I hope your daughter sees what a jerk this guy is before he actually hurts her more than emotionally, because you know that is what is coming next. So sad.

Please be strong. Hopefully your daughter will see the light of things. My mom is very supportive of me. She will appreciate it one day, she will come back to you shedding tears.

Hi! I just wanted to comment on your Dr. wanting to put you on anti-depressants. It is so vital that we take care of our mental health during these trying times. It is extremely easy to get all weakened and not thinking straight when your daughter's a$$hole boyfriend intentionally pushes your buttons. I went through a really bad fr<x>ame of mind recently and it shocked me just how much the battles have worn me out mentally. I have been taking 5-HTP and/or St. John's Wort to help me think clearly. Though, yes, this is not the main problem, I figure it is to my advantage and my ammunition to keep a clear and strong mental focus. The a$$holes are probably portraying us, parents, as unbalanced, extremely emotional, and unreasonable. (Of course, after they keep pushing us in these stupid directions, who wouldn't be?) The natural supplements help me combat depression and keeps me in a better mood. These have helped me keep calm without the funny side effects of anti-depressants. It is great ammunition to be able to NOT react to these a$$holes impulsively, have a mental strength not to give in to the emotional charge of the moment, and basically, to be able to function outside these shenanigans.<br />
Just me two cents....