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Dear X

My X is still on my mind everyday. I hate him, but I feel lost without him. I tear up all the time.

He was the most important person in my life for the past decade. He dumped 1 1/2 year ago. After 9 years of relationship. I was 30. Said he didn't want to get engaged. Didn't know what he wanted. After years of making me bow to his family and follow him around on his family vacation. Being understanding. Being second to his toys and his family. And we haven’t seen each other in the past 4 months. No contact for the past two.

Soon, it will be my birthday, I wonder if he’ll think about me. I wonder if he’ll forgive me (for the hatemail). I wonder if we’ll ever see each other gain.

Yet, paradoxically, I hate him as much as ever. I still have fantasies about him that I won’t share.

The only thing I know for sure is that it’s best for me not to see him. Even though he wanted it more than anything, the last thing I want is his friendship.

Because I doubt I’ll ever forgive him for how much he hurt me.

I doubt I’ll be able to take seeing him happy, him and that smug, self-satisfied slap-worthy face. 
I won’t stand for him to even remotely think that he deserves to be anything other than miserable.
I doubt I can stand those people thinking they deserve me.
I doubt I can ever forgive him for not choosing me.
I doubt that in my loss, I won’t turn to him and hope we’ll be back together.
And we won’t be able to, because deep down, all I want is punish him.

It’s the only thing I feel now. Anger against him. Against my family. Against his. It’s my comfort zone and my personal identity.

I wasn’t bred for fun or happiness or bliss. Anger is all I know. I don’t feel anything else.

Choosing to be happy? I wouldn’t know how and I don’t see the point.

Threetimesthree Threetimesthree 31-35, F Apr 11, 2011

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