Torn Between Two PeopleMy ex did one of the most horrible things that a person could ever do to their partner. I'm keeping his part brief because that's not why I'm here. He is not why I'm telling my story.
This year, I found out that my ex boyfriend - my boyfriend at the time - had been cheating on me. I was shocked, I was stunned and I was hurt. He had a year to tell me this but he chose not to. One thing that ran through my mind was, " why didn't he just break up with me?" That question wasn't ever answered. I left it alone. I was like, " whatever..I don't need him." until I found out WHO he was cheating with. That part really destroyed me. It was my best friend who had consoled me the day she found out that he broke up with me because he wanted to leave to the other girl he had been seeing. She had moved out the following week and I found out by an " accidental slip" by my ex.
Now, today, around a good 4 1/2 months later, I find out that they had "broken up" and now she's sending me constant texts calling me things like, a "b*tch" a " wh*re" and a "home wrecker". He, on the other hand, is stalking me. It just seems like where ever I go, he's there. He has shown up every day at my university - which he DOES NOT go to - he has followed me around town and for example, the other night, I was at the pool and he was there as well, keeping his distance but just staring at me.
Now comes the other part. I have found a guy who I have the most deepest and happiest feelings for. He makes me want to wake up in the morning, he makes me want to try harder and best of all, he finds a lot of good things in me. It seems like everything about me is his favorite thing about me and who could ask for more than that? It hurts. I know in my mind that I am not ready for a new relationship. I know that I need to fix what I have right now, get it over with and continue to heal. I feel sad because I like him so much. Sometimes as crazy as it is, I feel a hint of love but I'm not even sure if that's right or not.
I think about him all the time. I think of how he makes me feel..what we could possibly do with each other.. go out to movies..go for dinner..go bowling..or even just cuddling on the sofa. I hate holding it back. I despise it because I know how he feels too. I know that he likes me a lot but I know that even if we where to date right now, things would be completely messed up in the end. I want things to work out between us, that's why I'm holding everything back. I'm so afraid that he's going to find someone else in life but..even if he does, that's my problem. I lost out, I had the chance..right?
So really, I shouldn't complain about it. If he finds love in someone else, who am I to stop that? Who am I to say he can't love anyone else? I won't make him wait for me forever. I just wish he knew how much I'm hurting right now. I'm not hurting over the situation with my ex. I'm hurting over pushing him away. Each time gets harder and harder and I know I can't allow myself to cry over it..it's nothing to cry over, right? But yet I feel like I could cry at any second. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just too afraid to feel loved to someone who is willing to suck the poison out of my life. Maybe I just need to get a wake up call. I don't know.