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What Was I Thinking?! Oh Well...Life - Here I Come!!! =P

I went through a 'quick split' just recently. He was really upset that I would want to end things, but at the rate that our relationship was going I figured that it would be for the greater good. Sure, we had a flaws. To me there is no such thing as 'the perfect' relationship. There is always going to be an area in which a couple is weak in, but so many other areas where they excel. My recent relationship's flaw was the lack of communication as a team or as I like to refer to as partners. This is one area where my ex and I failed (I believe). For example, instead of talking about whatever was bothering him, he would write about it as a Facebook post or go around to his family and our friends and sound his trumpet. Then I was started to be treated like I was a crazy lady which is truly unfortunate for me, as the majority of these people were to become my future in laws.

When I tried to speak to him about his actions, I felt even worse for trying to take the initiative to open up. Not only was this another thing I struggled with, it was his responses that did not stop me from feeling inferior, that nothing I could do was ever the correct way, that whatever I was thinking was ridiculous and that he was flawless. At one point did I not only make the mistake of thinking that I could trust him, it was what I discovered that stomped my heart to the point that all of the love that I had for him bled out. Not only did I find all the memoirs of me, but the long line of women telling him how much they love him or sending him the occasional flowers (I never really knew that guys liked to receive flowers alongside with 'I love you' or 'I miss you' - WTF?!). I really don't know which hurt worse...the memoirs or the long line of women (keep in mind we were on the tail end of planning our back yard wedding and invitations sent out already). I guess I know where I went wrong - not enough flowers while I was trying to profess my love for him.

It really crushed me to find all of this out on my own because this is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were planning to be married in June this year - after HE proposed to me this past Christmas. But I reasoned with logic and logic said if he was treating me like this already and I was struggling to make things work; then chances are I should probably end things before I have to deal with the additional stress of a divorce and kids in the equation. Now I am mending my broken heart, and I am 'just starting' to hate him for wasting my time in life with all of his childish antics, when I could have been with someone who truly loved me for me, flaws, curves and all. (I am not cheerleader material, but I did not fall out of the tree hitting every ugly branch on the way down before my Mom caught me). Or better spent my time investing my time and energy in my life. Nope. I put my life on hold and literally short of catered to his every requirement (checking in; calling and emailing at only specified times - on the nose I might add!)

I want someone who isn't so busy writing things about me whenever our relationship had it's 'off' moments only with only TWO good entries about me ever. Someone who wasn't so busy cultivating relationships from around the world with other women. And someone who truly respected me and my feelings as a person (not just a name on a contract). I wanted someone to truly grow old with and who truly appreciated the little things, not just the big things in life. I wanted someone who actually wanted me in their life. Not someone to make false promises (such as marriage, cozy home, family) and definitely not use me as their human punching bag.

I know what I want in a relationship and I can assure you, I never, ever once thought in a million years that I would end up in this position. What makes it worse is that he denies that he had done anything wrong. That last sentence is what has seriously made me wonder if there was may be something wrong with me. I ended up in counselling over this only to learn I was perfectly fine. Okay, well...at least I know now that it was never me and that it was definitely him despite that I know he would argue this fact and his habit of defamation about me on a regular basis to the death.

Looking back, although I miss the good times we had together, like I said, I really don't miss what he did to my name, and to me as a person. I am not interested in another relationship because after living through some past relationships (literally surviving the abuse), then this one; I really don't know what to think anymore. I guess it is too much to ask for someone to be honest, open and respectful. Right now I have chose to remain single, enjoy my family (both immediate and extended), may be even relocate for a fresh start and continue on my goals in life. I guess that is one positive out of all of this.

Although I do hate him for wasting my time, I don't totally hate him. Why? Because I have realized that the pathetic man had nothing else better to do than to pick away at the woman that loved him so deeply. And that is the rest of how I feel for him (it isn't even sympathy); he is that PATHETIC!
LearningToFlyAgain LearningToFlyAgain 36-40, F 9 Responses Feb 18, 2013

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He sounds like a major attention seeker, you deserve better! A guy who is strong and lives for your smile!

i hope things are better now, Lesson learned and we are stronger after all that, ppl fall in and out of love , tis sad,

Omg...its like u jumped in my body and typed how I feel word from word.its Truely amazing how ppl go through the same things in life from all around the world.I have been with who I thought was the man I would be married to for two years, only for him to get a check for 18,000$ & without telling me anything, giving me anything or even saying goodbye he moved out of town.I had to find out through his sister...the worst heartache I have ever felt :(

Did you meet him here? you just wrote most of my story about a man I met. Don't waste your time on liars. I didn't. I moved on..

Oh my gosh....so very sorry you had to go through this, but good thing you found out before marriage. You sound like a strong lady. I'm sure you will come out on top! Wishing you the very best and sendin hugs!

Thank you!

Your story is so familiar to me that I had to comment. First of all, thank God you saw this now and didn't marry this man! It sounds as if you know you did the right thing,and although you're a little wounded emotionally now, you're going to be ok. That's a good start! For him to post your private issues on Facebook is totally classless and immature. My husband didn't do that, but he did however, talk poorly of me to his family, ex wife,anyone who would give him attention! He also had contact with a few women(that I had proof of). He always needed his ego stroked and now I realize that until he becomes more secure with himself, he'll never be faithful to one woman. He was supposed to protect me and honor me, instead he threw me under the bus. I was pretty messed up for a while over all this. The betrayal in so many ways killed me. Now, I know that I couldn't have changed him or made him different. That's the way he is. The passing of time has given me the ability to forgive him and forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me that way. I've accepted it and moved on and you will too! Just keep in mind that anyone who does stuff like that is a big coward! It wasn't about you, it's his insecurity and selfishness. It's tough letting go and starting over,but you'll be stronger and wiser over this experience. Congrats on your new life!! Make it a wonderful one!! And thank you for sharing your story!

lesson learnt. he was just a stepping stone for you. now step up to the next level. which is your journey. have fun with it

Thank you, I believe you are absolutely right!

I went to counselling too while married. I thought there has to be something wrong with me, because he kept pointing it out. The only thing wrong with me was that I needed to take responsibility for my happiness.

So, I made the decision to be happy, which included getting divorced.

I am celebrating your freedom, your independence and most definitely your wisdom.

Happy Flying!

THAT is EXACTLY how I felt! I felt like that in my marriage too...that is where I learned how to recognize the 'silent but possibly deadly' red flag signs such as when they are pointing out your (or in my case - my flaws). My counselor said the same thing. Only I am responsible for my happiness. It is truly an amazing feeling when you are able to look back and smile knowing you made the right choice. My wings are still a little bruised, not broken and I know in a little while I will be ready to fly completely on my own. Just the same it feels great to be on my feet...I cannot wait to feel the exhilarating feeling of flying on my own again! Best wishes for yourself and others who have shared similar journeys in life. Thank you for the well wishes! =)

Hope you find the best ;) and by the way , who has flied once doesn't need to Learn to fly again... He just needs to know Where to fly !

On Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Thank you! I had to learn to fly again because it has been a while since I have truly been on my own/by myself/single. I could only wish that he would get that point! Looking around, I realize how bad that I have been lied to. When I asked him if he ever closed certain accounts because of the nature of the comments made; he told me yes. And he became irritated about it when I brought up the subject of how great it felt not to have a Facebook account. Low and behold, SURPRISE! The kicker is that he STILL thinks that we are getting married, even though everyone has been notified of the wedding cancellation! I can only think to myself 'OMG!!! Does he ever know when to quit?!'

Relocating is now something that I am seriously and actively doing. All I know is I need to get away from this man child.

On Marriage

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

On Joy & Sorrow

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Those two excerpts are so beautiful, yet so true! Thank you =)

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