What Was I Thinking?! Oh Well...Life - Here I Come!!! =PI went through a 'quick split' just recently. He was really upset that I would want to end things, but at the rate that our relationship was going I figured that it would be for the greater good. Sure, we had a flaws. To me there is no such thing as 'the perfect' relationship. There is always going to be an area in which a couple is weak in, but so many other areas where they excel. My recent relationship's flaw was the lack of communication as a team or as I like to refer to as partners. This is one area where my ex and I failed (I believe). For example, instead of talking about whatever was bothering him, he would write about it as a Facebook post or go around to his family and our friends and sound his trumpet. Then I was started to be treated like I was a crazy lady which is truly unfortunate for me, as the majority of these people were to become my future in laws.
When I tried to speak to him about his actions, I felt even worse for trying to take the initiative to open up. Not only was this another thing I struggled with, it was his responses that did not stop me from feeling inferior, that nothing I could do was ever the correct way, that whatever I was thinking was ridiculous and that he was flawless. At one point did I not only make the mistake of thinking that I could trust him, it was what I discovered that stomped my heart to the point that all of the love that I had for him bled out. Not only did I find all the memoirs of me, but the long line of women telling him how much they love him or sending him the occasional flowers (I never really knew that guys liked to receive flowers alongside with 'I love you' or 'I miss you' - WTF?!). I really don't know which hurt worse...the memoirs or the long line of women (keep in mind we were on the tail end of planning our back yard wedding and invitations sent out already). I guess I know where I went wrong - not enough flowers while I was trying to profess my love for him.
It really crushed me to find all of this out on my own because this is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were planning to be married in June this year - after HE proposed to me this past Christmas. But I reasoned with logic and logic said if he was treating me like this already and I was struggling to make things work; then chances are I should probably end things before I have to deal with the additional stress of a divorce and kids in the equation. Now I am mending my broken heart, and I am 'just starting' to hate him for wasting my time in life with all of his childish antics, when I could have been with someone who truly loved me for me, flaws, curves and all. (I am not cheerleader material, but I did not fall out of the tree hitting every ugly branch on the way down before my Mom caught me). Or better spent my time investing my time and energy in my life. Nope. I put my life on hold and literally short of catered to his every requirement (checking in; calling and emailing at only specified times - on the nose I might add!)
I want someone who isn't so busy writing things about me whenever our relationship had it's 'off' moments only with only TWO good entries about me ever. Someone who wasn't so busy cultivating relationships from around the world with other women. And someone who truly respected me and my feelings as a person (not just a name on a contract). I wanted someone to truly grow old with and who truly appreciated the little things, not just the big things in life. I wanted someone who actually wanted me in their life. Not someone to make false promises (such as marriage, cozy home, family) and definitely not use me as their human punching bag.
I know what I want in a relationship and I can assure you, I never, ever once thought in a million years that I would end up in this position. What makes it worse is that he denies that he had done anything wrong. That last sentence is what has seriously made me wonder if there was may be something wrong with me. I ended up in counselling over this only to learn I was perfectly fine. Okay, well...at least I know now that it was never me and that it was definitely him despite that I know he would argue this fact and his habit of defamation about me on a regular basis to the death.
Looking back, although I miss the good times we had together, like I said, I really don't miss what he did to my name, and to me as a person. I am not interested in another relationship because after living through some past relationships (literally surviving the abuse), then this one; I really don't know what to think anymore. I guess it is too much to ask for someone to be honest, open and respectful. Right now I have chose to remain single, enjoy my family (both immediate and extended), may be even relocate for a fresh start and continue on my goals in life. I guess that is one positive out of all of this.
Although I do hate him for wasting my time, I don't totally hate him. Why? Because I have realized that the pathetic man had nothing else better to do than to pick away at the woman that loved him so deeply. And that is the rest of how I feel for him (it isn't even sympathy); he is that PATHETIC!
LearningToFlyAgain 36-40, F 10 Responses 3 Feb 18, 2013