He Broke My Heart and Left Me With Nothing But Questions
I never ever dreamed I'd feel such hatred towards him. Because just a few months ago we were so in love. The worst part about my story is that there was no dramatic event that lead to our breakup. I wish there was, it would've made it so much easier to focus on something bad when we broke up. But we were so happy, and had just moved in together a few months earlier. We shared our lives, went to sleep with each other every night and woke up with each other every morning. We would write little cards to tell each other we loved one another. We did normal stuff and cared, and enjoyed one another's company. We kissed and cooked and cuddled up and were there for each other through bad times. We laughed and knew the best and the worst of each other. And we argued sometimes. That was it really. But I would say we were happy 95% of the time and the 5% we argued was admittedly rubbish. But it was nothing that we couldn't have worked on, had he been inclined to bother.
I'm the kind of person who just gets it all off her chest and is done with it, and all is forgotten. But he was weird, really weird about arguing. He had only been in one serious relationship in 35 years before me, and in that they had never, ever argued. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly love arguing, but I accept that it is part and parcel of being in a serious relationship. And by definition arguments do not bring out the best in people. But he couldn't handle it. He hated it, and completely (he admitted it) blamed me absolutely for any argument we had. And this just rubbed me up the wrong way, because, while I can admit my faults, I do believe it takes 2 to tango. But nothing was ever his fault. Ever.
One night after a small spat he snarled out at me 'I blame you for this I can't take your mood swings anymore'. It really hurt that he would put everything down to me, like I am some unreasonable crazy person. I am not. It was so frustrating that he couldn't see that he had contributed at all to our disagreement. But the more I protested the more it would seem that I was arguing and he was right. And I was tired of him always blaming me for our arguments. Always my fault. Always a flaw in my character. Never him. So I told him so, and told him that I couldn't be with someone who chose to think the worst of me like that, instead of trying to work things out with me. I was mad and it was the first time I'd challenged our relationship in 2 years. And after 2 years of us being together, and loving each other, and living together and sharing our lives, he decided to take that and run with it. So I started packing some things up.
But then my head cleared and I thought - hang on, we love each other and have so many happy times, and so much good in us, I surely owe it to us to at least try to work this thing out. Every couple has problems but surely if you love somebody and they love you and you both respect each other then you have something solid to work with? But he didn't want to know. He absolutely refused to listen - I pleaded, cried, reasoned. I talked of all the happy memories we had and all the moments we shared. The night before this argument he had been kissing and cuddling me and telling me how much he loved me and how special I was! The very next day he couldn't see one reason to even try to save our relationship. And, true to form as the most stubborn person I have ever met, had made his mind up.
All I could think was 'why doesn't he even want to try?'. He dismantled our life together that had taken so long to build quicker than I could believe. I was out of the house the next day and had nowhere to live. He threw away all our memories. He literally removed every single trace of my existance from his life within a few weeks. I had loved this man for 2 years. And I'm not a fool - he had loved me too. He became so cold I could barely believe it was the same person. I couldn't believe that someone I had given my heart to, trusted everything to, could be so cowardly and not even try to fight for his relationship or someone he loved. What does love even mean to him? For me it means putting that person first, not giving up on someone that you love, and trying your best for the relationship. If it doesn't work and you have tried everything then at least you can walk away knowing that it wasn't meant to be. But he didn't want to try. Despite professing to love me... he was happy to have that, and give it up because he was too scared.
I have been shocked at how quickly someone that you know inside out, that you live with, that you share everything with, can become a stranger. Within a month we could no longer talk. Me, because I was too hurt, I'm not sure what his reasons were. The person I have spent the last 2 years with is now a stranger to me. I have to walk past him occasionally and act as if he is an anonymous bloke. That kills me. I think he started seeing someone a month or so after we broke up. Just another kick in the teeth.
I hate that he has hurt me so much, and I now have to doubt everything that I've thought for the last 2 years - and he does not. He has never had to doubt my feelings or commitment to us. He still has somewhere to live. His world has not been turned upside down. And I hate that he has made me so down on myself - I have so little confidence now, and I used to be so bubbly and happy. I cry a lot, and then I feel like a loser for crying, when it's so easy for him to just walk away. I just want to erase everything, I just want to never have to see him again. I want to stop hurting and believe that there is someone who will love me and accept me for who I am. But I'm not sure anymore. And I hate that he has made me that way.