He Has Ruined My Life.

Since I was the working parent when we got separated, my ex got to stay in our house and become primary caregiver to our two daughters, the younger of whom is autistic. By the time we finally got divorced 9 years later, my older daughter had been living with me for 3 years. The judge decided that since we each had a kid, and I was providing all of the health insurance for not only the kids, but him as well, that my child support obligation would be $50 a week. A year ago he bribed my daughter to move back in with him by having a bedroom built for her and buying her a kitten. I knew what was coming next, pressure for more money. Sure enough, the phone call came and on my own, I agreed to pay him an additional $25 a week. At the time, he was working for a friend during school hours and on Saturdays, and collecting disability. Keep in mind I am broke. I am paying rent, I am paying him child support and after that there is a pittance left for food, utilities and car expenses. After 10 years of this and with attorney fees I am about $35K in debt. The only way I am able to survive is with a home equity line of credit I was allowed to take out when the mortgage on our house was refinanced. My attorney pointed out to me that my expenses actually exceed my income.

About 6 months ago, my ex had a disagreement with his boss/friend and was idiotic enough to quit his job in a huff. How nice to be able to do that. I've been working jobs I've hated for 30 years. I don't have the luxury to just quit because I don't like my boss. Last week he began to call me and threaten to take me back to court for more child support. He called again today to harass me again and told me he would forbid me to take our older daughter on our planned trip to Florida to see my Dad, a trip my Dad had to pay for since I certainly couldn't afford it. How utterly and disgustingly selfish to be willing to take the one thing my kid has to look forward to every year away from her for his own gain. As it turns out, he can't do it, but how hateful is that???

starfish52 starfish52
46-50, F
2 Responses Mar 23, 2011

When I met my husband, he told me he had been 6 years sober. I never knew anyone, let alone dated anyone, who had a sobriety issue so I didn't think much of it. He was a doctor and I was so excited to have finally met someone with whom I wanted to have children and who I knew could provide for us financially. I was a fool.
Shortly after I gave birth to our second daughter (about 4 years into our marriage), he started using again. I cried, I freaked. But I kept my mouth shut because I was too scared to report him and lose his income for our girls and our home. Right then, I should have sent him to re-hab. But I didn't. I was a coward. He stopped doing drugs for a while and I calmed down. I was just happy to have my girls and a nice home. Inside however, I was always feeling insecure. Turns out, those feelings were legit.
A couple of years later he started using again. This time, he got busted at work. He lost his medical license and my whole world unravelled. No income meant no bill paying which in turn, destroyed our credit.
About a year later he got his license reinstated, but the credit damage was done.
Another few years go by and just a few weeks ago, he got his license suspended again. This time, for lying to his drug monitor/counselor. I also found out that he hasn't paid our mortgage in over 4 months, we no longer have health insurance and we have no savings.
I am frantically searching for a job, but having no luck. I have teenagers to support and I am going to get evicted in the next 30 days.
My life has spiraled down to nothing.
All the warning signs were there - I just was too scared to do anything about them. Now, I am paying the price.

My ex was a lawyer working in Toronto when I met him. I knew his family for several years and believed that they were honest, hard-working people. I was caught up in a whirl-wind romance that quickly became a nightmare when we married and he decided that he was quite willing to give up his Bay St. practice and move into my condo. I supported him and paid most of his bills for two years before he got a decent job that my mother got for him. He had problems with Revenue Canada because he had not properly filed his income tax for the two years previous to when we met and numerous other unpaid debts. I was overwhelmed with the burden. Ultimately, I became pregnant and my ex was forced to find a job- luckily my mother was well connected. I thought everything was going along nicely but I came across some papers from Revenue Canada and decided to call in his father. Foolishly I thought it was dealt with when they came out of the office we had in the condo and said that with a loan of $30,000 the debt would be settled. Several months later we received a call to go to Bermuda. I had a permanent job as a teacher and I was not anxious to give it up. It had taken me 6 years of hard work to get into the system but I was able to take a two year leave of absence. We went to Bermuda. Quickly, I became frustrated with the elitisme and politics of the small island. I wanted to go back to Canada but I could not convince my ex. He was stoic in his persistance that he had a good job. I did my part to raise the children and work but I was also frustrated that I could not get more than term positions year in and year out. In the end I divorced him to be able to return to Canada with my children and fight my way through the courts. The final balance sheet revealed that he had an outstanding debt to Revenue Canada for $150,000 and the only real savings was the money I made working as a teacher after 10 years. Most of it went to lawyers fees. Within 6 months of our leaving he managed to lose his job or leave it for another Tax Haven- the Turks and Caicos. Now he is making over $200,000 hidden under trusts, business dividends and pensionable benefits. Is he supporting his children? No! So, no matter what the circumstances- having money or not the laws are poorly written so that people find loopholes and ways to avoid their responsibilities. I pray everyday that I will be able to help other women with these issues- deadbeat dads, fradulent behaviour that injures women and tax evasion by irresponsible individuals in tax havens that benefit a small group of people.