I Was Almost Destroyed

There isn't enough words to describe my abusive ex-husband. When I was first married I was employed, in college and had a modeling contract with an agency. Within two years I was no longer working, dropped out of school, and gave up modeling. My husband was abusive, controlling and cruel. I was afraid of him and having no emotional support, I stayed in an abusive marriage for twenty seven years.I endured financial ruin, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. He was a liar, manipulator and a cheat. My life was a living hell for many years.I got into therapy and began planning to leave. It took ten years of planning to break away. I got a job, went into counseling, and once I kicked him out, returned to college. And did I mention I worked SEVEN days a week, fourteen hour days for two years to make ends meet? While I was holding my family together, he was booking hookers at conventions. It took almost four years for the divorce to happen, he placed as many road blocks as he could. We have been divorced for almost one year, separated for four. He uses the children as pawns through lies and deception, and like many perpatrators of domestic violence, he paints himself as a "victim". In public he is charming, kind and considerate. At home he was a nightmare. We live in the same area, work within a few blocks of each other. Whenever I see him in public, he is cordial in front of others. Whenever we are alone he is verbally abusive and enraged that I did not reunite with him. The situation has improved as I am healthier, regaining self esteem, and rebuilding a life. But it hasn't been easy. He continously tries to find ways to hurt me through the children. Once my youngest is old enough to go to college, there will be no reason for contact.

One of the reasons I hate him is he is involved in the community and receives awards periodically for his humanitarian efforts. What is throughly gross is he joins groups and crusades in order to shop for women. His civic involvement is a ruse to cover his sexual addiction. Many of the women he collects have no idea what he is like. But they never remain for long. It is difficult to watch (from a safe distance) someone win awards for their compassionate endeavors while knowing how capable he is of violence. He trots our children out like trophies, but in reality has very little interaction in their lives. As they age, they are aware of his ulterior motives. It is difficult to watch their illusions of their dad ******** away.And so I write this forum because I am angry. I do not want to convey my anger to my children. I do not want to waste time discussing my emotional pain with my girl friends anymore. And I do not want to hang on to my anger, if I do, then he still has power over me. It will take time to release this emtional pain and anger. And I know I will. It took 27 years to build. It will take time for it to subside.I look forward to the day when I feel absolutely nothing. There are weeks in which I do, and then the hatred overwhelms me, again. Thanks for letting me vent. And for anyone reading this who may be in an abusive relationship, get help. Contact your local YWCA and inquire if they have a domestic violence program. Talk to your doctor, go to your employer, go on line and check resources. Do something for yourself in order to regain your power in life. You are stronger than you realize. And never too old to start over again. Knowledge is power.

Whew, I feel better all ready. Thanks for reading this, and if you are a spiritual person, please pray for me and ask God to help me place my anger in the proper perspective. Anger helped me to gain my freedom and break away. Now I would like to experience acceptance and joy.

sparkyisfree sparkyisfree
2 Responses Mar 5, 2009

I get where when you say you can't wait for the day till you feel nothing. I wish the same. My marriage to my ex husband was a sick and abusive marriage. He made into a person I never dreamed of turning into, cold and distant from people. Because I was 17 when I got with him and by 18 I was pregnant, he was 21 at the time I felt like I had to stay and work it out with him because I wanted our son to have his father. I pushed my happiness aside and my well being a side for the sake of my sons although now I feel I did more bad then good by staying and becoming so emotionally unhealthy. He is bi-polar and upon that he has PTSD from the military. We're currently going through our divorce. There were days where I was afraid to wake up because I didn't know what it was going to be like. I had nights where I laid in bed staring at my door because I though if you fall asleep Jamie, he may come in and shoot you. life was depressing and scary for a very long time. I started to adapt to my life and started behaviors I didn't want to have. I still dont' know that I do alot of things to 'protect" myself, even in situations that I dont' have to be like that. Its a bad old habit that will chance and soon. I'm finally going to work on myself now that I can bare to do it. Thank you for your post although you had to bare that type of life.

My marriage lasted, in all reality, less than six months. I experienced much of what you did and thank my lucky stars for where I am, every day. For the family I have. I wish you all the luck in the world. You're an inspiration for all the angry ex wives out there. I still have a long row to hoe 'till my son's ready for college (17 years, at least), but I'm looking forward to the day when I have zero contact with my ex.