A Decade Later . . .

My 10th "divorce anniversary" will be celebrated on March 17.  I still despise that sick sob as much as I did the day that I was set free.  Controlling, conniving, conscienceless, corrupt, humiliator, tormentor, morally bankrupt, user and abuser of everyone and everything . . . I loathe him. 

Anniversaries past have been celebrations of freedom, strength, and triumph over adversity.   My usual elation this time feels overshadowed by something.  Is it just reflection?  Was I really set free on that day?  I am not free of the horrible memories.  I am not free from the nightmares.  I am not free of the neverending fear.

whatdoesnotkillme whatdoesnotkillme
31-35
1 Response Mar 14, 2009

Happy Anniversary!!! I'm anticipating having one of my own by next year. I've had it with my husband, who has decided to loathe me because I no longer need him and he can no longer control me. His words still cut through me like acid -- they would burn, almost literally. His insults, his seething anger towards me and anyone who pissed him off (he's frequently pissed off). His words would hurt me to the bone. But then he'd be better, and I'd become hopeful. Yeah, right. Been there . . . <br />
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I'm still working through my own anger and feelings of failing him, feelings of fear that I need him somehow, but the Experience Project has helped a lot. <br />
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Ultimately, he is making me choose between a job where I'd see him only 2 weeks out of every month, but it is a career opportunity in a very promising field, with fabulous people who care about me and are committed to mentoring me. <br />
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He would rather that I be with him 24 / 7 -- with no competition from my job. Oh the offers to "support me" while I look for another job, and give me an "allowance." Yeah, right. This guy talks a good game. . . because when push came to shove, he would try to control how often I went to town (it was 12 miles away) because of the money wasted in gas driving. <br />
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I'm happy to know you are free from your abuser. And to think society still sanctions weddings with "pretty white dresses and flowers and ideas of love forever" -- it may work for some people, but I've come to think of it as a ritual more akin to enslaving someone's soul. <br />
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Take care, <br />
FDM