I Couldn't Have Been A Better Husband...but Feel The Worst I Ever Have!!!

What can I say? I used to be a real bad guy, the kinda guy that Oprah made a living of hating. I quit drinking (over 12 years now) went to college and got a good job. I met what I thought was a nice women and started dating.  We eventually got married and had 2 girls. Now after 10 years the marriage is over. I've never felt worse in my life. I'm not a wife beater, nor a wife cheater. I couldn't have been more loyal, caring or dedicated to "our" life.
I made a lot of changes in my life to live a better life, but I feel more angry, hurt and frustrated than I did when I was an A**hole when I was drinking.. How can everything turn up so bad when I made better choices in life? How did I get here...again?
I give up on marriage, that's for sure! Never again!!! I have 2 daughters with her and one from a previous relationship that I love more than life itself. They keep me going. They keep my strong and happy...the only time I am happy is when I'm with them.
My wife didn't like sex. She thought of it as dirty. Her mom told her to her dying day that sex was meant soley for married people and she should wait. We tried counselling for what seemed like forever...but she couldn't re-train her brain that sex was meaningful and acceptable between us. I wasted 10 years and will never get that back. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to leave when we first started dating. I was trying hard to make better decision's, sober decision's...I didn't want to walk away from what I thought was a good person. I know now we should have stayed friends...but shoulda woulda coulda doesn't make me feel better.
I feel like the worst piece of ****!!! I should have cheated...it would have ended up the same...me hating her!!!
This is just me blowing of some steam. Tried to find another counsellar who I can talk to who might understand...but they are all women. Right now I don't trust any of them.
smorin71 smorin71
Jul 12, 2010