I Can Never Heal!
I'm frozen. Have you ever been frozen? Inside you just don't know why you live, outside you look like everyone else and play the part, just so everyone will accept you. I seek out people to save emotionally because I can't even get my head above the water anymore. I don't know that I ever could. I'm really good at making others feel better, if they want to feel better, but I can't do it for myself.
I'm an adult now, a mom of two with a husband who loves me. Oddly, I feel like I don't exist. I grew up with a family that couldn't love me right. I watched my sister be beaten, water-boarded, just about destroyed at the age of two but it didn't stop there. We can't even look at each other normally. We grew up in an environment of abuse. It isn't really my family I hate but that destructive force that we lived within.
I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and have these little movies play off in my mind every time a certain sound, perhaps a cry, a loud noise, someone yelling outside, or even when a baby cries. It hurts my ears because it is like a siren going off. I have to run, I have to get far away, distance myself emotionally or I might as well die. I freeze, locked in place.
Have you ever been so numb to emotions that you can't even feel love. Have you ever felt only two or three emotions? You are here and so you must know what I'm talking about! You scream inside but remain quiet, crying, if you can, when no one is around.
Did I mention that I feel as though the last shoe will drop if I actually feel happiness? Sometimes it isn't the abuse you feel during the moment but the pain you feel after the abuse.
The little sister who cried, screamed and was slammed into life, over and over again has no longer any regard for me. She was adopted and since we were brought up in violence, I think that is what we see when we look at each other. We are so distant now and she seems to look down on me. That makes me hurt. I wish she could understand that I actually went through some of it before she was ever around, but I only remember a little. I remember her terror more. I'm not stupid, I know I must have blocked it out, most of it because I was so little. Hers I remember so well because I was older, twelve and helpless.
Do you ever wish you could just go to sleep forever? But I can't. I have two children who need me. I just wish I could heal.