It's Not That I Hate Them, I Just Don't Fit In
I guess my family issues are a little bit different. I was never physically abused, I just never really felt apart of my family. I never fit in with them and I feel like I've just been going through the motions with them. As a kid I was NEVER IN ANY WAY close to my parents. I loved them I guess and knew they sorta loved me but I never talked to them, confided in them, or knew them at all. They didn't really know me either they worked a lot. My siblings and I had a bunch of nannys. Even when they stopped working though and we lost all our money we still weren't close. My older sister ignored me pretty much she was older and never really wanted to be friends, my other older sister was always away, and my brother who was the only one around me all the time made it his life goal to make my life hell. So yeah, now everyone's grown and my family's all fake smiles and awkward conversations and I feel as though they've grown closer with each other but I haven't.. It's just.. I don't know them.. They're gossipers, and liars, have stolen from me, talked about me behind my back, made me feel like ****. Some of them I feel are sneaky and more concerned with being cool and fake than actually being a good person. I feel like I'm in High School again and they're all at the popular table and I'm left out. When I WAS in High School when I came home instead of feeling like I had a sanctuary, or a safe place, I felt like I was dealing with the same things I was dealing with at school. Drama, fakeness, vanity, lying, betrayal. I never got that all loving and accepting vibe. I just got that, "You better not say anything wrong or they'll talk about you and make fun of you. They already don't like you," thought in my head. Maybe the reason why I'm not close to them is because I don't want to be.. But that doesn't stop the pain. The reason I'm writing this is because I hurt over not being close to them. I feel as though family is supposed to be important and precious and cherished and I feel ashamed I don't feel that way about mine. All my friends have close bonds to their family's and so does my boyfriend. I guess I'm seeking approval or understanding. I know I'm not perfect either. I burned a couple bridges with my family when I was going through tough times with them and I understand why I'm not my family's favorite. Being home just reminds me of the worst times of my life so I avoid them and chose to be around people who make me look towards my future and not back at my tormented past. I like being around my friends and my boyfriend who inspires me and encourages to be a better person. It's not like my family are evil people. They're flawed just like I am and I can't blame them. It's just a personal hardship I must go through in dealing with the awkwardness, the shame I feel, the terrible memories, and the feeling that they love each other more than they love me. I can't trust any of them. It's not that I hate my family, this is the wrong forum. I just feel like I don't have one and it's my fault for that.. I must swallow the pain and tough it through this Christmas holiday with them because I know it'll get better for me because it just must. So be grateful if you have family members who you trust and who are your best friends even if it's just one. Like me you must learn to be grateful for what you have.