He Can't Even Help Himself

So it is time for my stitches to come out and to avoid wasting time to go to other doctors and paying money for it, I asked him to do it because he is a doctor himself...

But NO, instead of being a loving father saying "sure come I will help you" or "I have no problem with helping you" he was just being a d...i...c...k about the whole thing... I asked him when should the stitches come out and he avoided giving me a direct answer, as if to punish me, because we have to BEG, since he thinks he is a king and we are his "slaves" that should crawl before him "humbly" before anything gets done... He would never just do it or respond to us in a fatherly, or warm way...

I said "Yeah in this house you like tease us and we have beg before anyone touches you"... We always have to go to other doctors because each time you ask to be "doctored" by your own father and in my mom's case her own husband a FIGHT breaks loose...so we go to specialists instead, since he doesn't like to touch people or his own people... I swear he could care less if one of us died or whatever, being an abusive motherfu...cker, always making his own wife and children feel like s...hii..t because in his mind he has all the power and because he feeds us and pays for us to survive that he has the right to abuse us, like some sick f...u...cking sadist... Probably because he has such a f...u...c'kkking low self-esteem, feeling out of control in the real world amongst other people and his colleagues who make him feel so small because he is really just a coward hiding behind a big college degree, always feeling inferior when dealing with other adults because they make him feel jealous or whatever, or not good enough... And then when he comes home, he turns into the Devil behind closed doors, and "take on a fake persona/alter ego" of CONTROL, thinking himself so HIGH and MIGHTY, and then he takes out his frustrations and beef with the world out on his own family, the most immediate targets, on those who he feels cannot fight back because due to his money he is their provider and in his mind they are NOTHING without the hand that feeds them, so he has the right to do with them whatever he likes to, since we are treated like mere objects or property for the "master" to utilize as he pleases even use them as punch bags.... He is like some sadistic nazi soldier, a tyrannical retard!

I told him "you know what, just forget about it, I will make an appointment with another doctor if you are going to be such a bastard about this and it is too much to ask for to help your own people, then I would ask someone else who would really like to help, or do their jobs properly, it is bulllsh!!xt that a doctor doesn't even want to doctor his own family!!!"

And then after that I said: "yeah you don't even want to touch your own children, and that is how you are going to lose them, enjoy my little sister for now, her eyes would open too, and her unconditional love for you will soon be over!!!"

And I was thinking about why did I say the WORD "touch" to him so much in this fight over stitches... He even once said that he is absolutely repulsed by even thinking of touching me to make a diagnosis, calling me sewerage... Yeah his own child, he always said me and my brother was a mistake, and he never wanted us, and always threatened to kill us, he also said he would be the wrong doctor to trust, since he could inject any lethal substance in my bloodstream and I can die in his office, without anyone knowing the cause, as I would stop breathing right there and then and they would wheel my lifeless body out of the consulting rooms straight into the morgue and he would get away with it.

Yeah you are probably wondering why I am telling you this story, well before you JUDGE someone, just remember there is always a reason why someone are what they are, why they have so much darkness in them, so much hate and anger in them... Be careful before judging someone, they might be fighting a harder battle than you might imagine, which you could only be grateful for not having to experience yourself, you cannot really judge someone if you have not walked a mile in their shoes... And then I think what gives me the right to JUDGE my father? Well God gave him three children, and he already f...u...c...ked up his first two chances with two of his children, my brother and I hate him, and we would never have a true father-child relationship with him because of what he did to us, and now he has a third chance.... I told him "you are going to cry hard when you are old sitting all alone wondering why your children don't want anything to do with you!!!!" You see he thinks all his fake friends because he is up so high in society will keep him happy forever, that is because he has no time to think now, his work keeps him too busy to be concerned with his emotional well being, if he really has a soul whatsoever beneath the flesh... But when he has to retire and life catches up to him, he will see that those fake friends didn't give him love or real appreciation, and the people who he really needed it from, he pushed away by being such a bastard, abusing the only people NEAR him that could have possibly cared in a honest way... He blew that too... And when the time comes for him to realize that his soul is really in need of REAL emotions or affection, it would be too late, because he messed up those who were eager to give it to him, but now HATE to even look at him or talk with him, everything is now an issue with HIM, we don't LOVE our father and I never will, he hurt me too much, and made my brother gay because he went after men because our father was never there to fill the father role in his life, imagine how that makes someone feel? How crazy it must have driven my brother to go and seek refuge in other men's buttts because his dad was a bastard who could never care enough or to touch his soul with love and treated him like a worthless piece of sh!xt, now he is after more sh!!!xt, doing anal to find his "lost daddy" up the arse cracks of other men, wtf... Well that's my life and story of a dysfunctional family.

Not to mention my dad denies my mother s--e--x, they never make love only when he is Drunk, and she hates to make love with a drunk forcing himself on her etc....they never kiss or touch each other, they are not affectionate, and then my mother cries and wonder why he doesn't show her love thinking it is her fault and he made her think she is this horrible person that doesn't deserve love beacuse of the abuse over the years. I was thinking today another doctor's children both committed suicide that lived in this town where we live and wondered why, probably because their dad was just as f...u...c''ed up as mine...but I won't give in, I won't give my father the luxury for then it would mean that he WON and got what he desired - my ruin, to extinguish my light and not to make it reach its full potential it came here for.

Oh the touch thing... Yeah my father was never there or emotionally involved with any of his family members, he treated us like objects, he never had a gentle fatherly touch, to touch us in an emotional way to fulfill our emotional needs, we were always hungry for his emotional touch in our lives, we were always waiting for him, starved for his love.... But he never came to that point ever to really LOVE US, to really look past his own issues and work through his own problems to love us instead, he always blames us for his misery, depression and mental agony, everything is OUR fault that he is such a SAD MAN that isn't even worth half a shadow of a man... He never gives a damn about anyone but himself, and everything is always the fault of everyone around him but never his... Passive aggressive imbecile... And he has all the knowledge of psychology and psychiatry, he studied it and even worked with crazy people in mental institutions, but he cannot seem to identify his own emotional problems or psychological problems to overcome and make himself into a mentally healthy individual... So much for being a doctor, a healer that wants to heal others but cannot even help himself which is ironic since he taught me "you cannot help anyone if you cannot even help yourself!".

Well I said if he cannot remove stitches which is a basic procedure any general practitioner should be able to pull off without the help of a specialist then maybe he doesn't deserve his bloody license to practice!
indigowitch indigowitch
22-25, F
Sep 24, 2012