Tyrant, Control Freak, Hypocrite And All Around Bad Husband!

I have been married to the same man for 17 years. He is a professional executive. I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids ages 14, 11 and 5. All are boys. I have been an at home mom since I was pregnant with my first child Jack.  We are from Kansas. He took a job out of state 9 years ago and I had no choice but to go with him because I do not have an education or income. Once we moved he took my name off of the checking account and put me on an allowance that basically covers our groceries. There is never any money for me to go home and visit my family or friends, but there is always money to go see his brother in Pennsylvania and his friends in other states. I have not been home for over 5 years.

We live in a $300,000 home, own a lake house, vehicles, toys galore and he has been an excellent provider. But not without a price. He controls everybody in my house. If the house is not picture perfect and his kids aren't picture perfect he goes ballistic.

About 2 years ago I found out my husband was surfing **** sites , **** chat rooms and hiring escorts. I was going to divorce him then and would have probably won full custody because of the "crimes against nature" he was committing. He talked me into staying. Like a fool I did.  I think the reason he did not want to get a divorce 2 years ago is because he knew that he would have to split our assets equally and I would walk away with approximately $300,000 in cash, get primary custody of our kids and he would have to pay me child support and alimony since I have been an at home mom for 14 years. I am kicking myself that I didn't do it then.


For 13 years of my marriage I was the best at home mom I knew. Kids always at school on time, no problems with them, good grades,  house always spotless, dinner on the table, lawn manicured, regular church attenders etc.

My 14 year old is a self taught musician (his dad would never pay for lessons because he doesn't approve of his music choices). I wanted to encourage this and found a group of teens in our area for him to start a rock band. The drummer he picked was Steven Bustamento.  Tom Levebre's grandson whom he is raising because Steven's mom is a drug addict and has mutiple convictions (her name is Charlotte Moore) and Steven's dad is also a drug addict and convicted felon that is why Tom is raising Steven.  Jack (my 14 yr old) has been friends with Steven since they were in 6th grade.  Steven was a part of our family.  Jack wanted him to drum and I said ok. 

During that summer 09 he stole several thousand dollars worth of stuff from us including an Ipod nano, cds, money and cell phones.  My son Jack also told me that Steven had brought pot to our house and alcohol.  When I called Tom about it I got the "Steven would never do that" arguement. And since the grandfather who is raising this disturbed child is a Helena City Council member we did not feel like pushing the matter. I had no real way of proving any of it besides my son's word and the other band members statements that Steven was doing these things at my home.  So I dropped the issue (now I wish I would have called the police like he did to us) and kicked him out of the band and banned him from our home.


Well come to find out he had also stolen an Ipod from our bassist Brandon Gaines when he was at our house for the very last practice session. He took it because he knew it would be the last time he was in our house. He stole it the minute he found out he was being kicked out of the band and he also stole an addition $50 that was in my wallet.  In retaliation a few months later Brandon broke into the Steven's house (Tom's) and stole Steven's laptop from Steven's bedroom. Then when he got questioned about it by Jesse Woodard he blamed it on us. Then I found out that Brandon (my son and him were still very good friends) had been bringing the stolen computer to our house and using it.   I had no clue it was at our house ever, but when I found out and the police started investigating the IP address of the computer when it was logged on it was quickly discovered that the laptop was at my home at some point.  I confronted Jack about it and he admitted that Brandon had brought it over and that they had logged onto Steven's myspace page and put all kinds of nasty stuff on it.  Being scared I tried to fix it over the next several weeks. I tried to call Tom several times and the mother of Brandon Gaines. Finally after several phone calls I convinced Brandon to give it back to me and I would make arrangements to give it to Charlotte Steven's real mom.  Hence my arrest. Tom found out that I had planned to meet Charlotte and let her know where the laptop was.  Brandon's mom had it hidden in an undisclosed location.  She had told me "if you get a notarized statement from them saying they won't sue or press and someone buys brandon a new ipod I will hide it and let you know where it is once I get the notarized paper"  So I made arrangements to meet Charlotte.  Hence my arrest and conviction of receiving stolen property even though I never had the laptop, it wasn't in my car or in my possession.    I am now on probation for 3 years all for getting involved in this drama. My husband did not want to pay for a trial so he made me plea out with the DA to save himself the expense.  My husband now uses my conviction to threaten me by saying "if you file for divorce I will win custody and you will not get to see the boys because you are a Convicted felon". 

Now I am a convicted felon on probation, on medication and I feel stuck. He knows this so it gives him an excuse to treat me and his kids any way he wants. I have no out. My family is miles away and everytime I have tried to make a friend here he ruins it by yelling at me in front of them so they politely disappear. I have no access to any money.  He gives me $350 a week for groceries, cash and kids activities and I have no money of my own or access to money to hire myself an attorney since I am not on his checking accounts threaten me he has told me several times if we got a divorce he would get custody of the kids because I am a convicted felon.

Its like my husband was waiting for me to screw up.  Now the tables are turned and he has something to use against me when before I could use the ***********, ************ and chat rooms as a way to get primary custody of my kids. 

I have been so depressed, isolated from friends and family and beat down verbally over the years by this man that I started taking depression medication. He also says that not only am I a convicted felon, but also he can get me declared mentally unfit because of the medication I take and he will have his attorney go through my medical records. Can he do that?

He has made my 14 year old quit his band that we put together. Belittles him if he brings home a C. Won't let him have facebook, an ipod or a phone. Won't let him go anywhere anymore because of this.  All I wanted to do was welcome Jack's friends into our home and let them play music together and look where my good deed got me.

 Now my 14 year old locks himself in his room the minute his dad walks in the door. He goes to bed every night at 7pm. On the weekends he doesn't come out unless it is to do chores.  My 11 year old goes out of his way to please him. He is an overachiever and brings home straight A's and hardly says a word around the house. My 5 year old is afraid of his dad because if he bothers dad he gets yelled and screamed at and treated like he is a bother. 


This man is a tyrant. It was already bad before any of this legal stuff happened and now it is even worse because he knows there isn't anything I can do or say to stop it.  He is constantly yelling and screaming at everybody over the littlest things like the house being messy.  He finds things to ***** about everyday.  Even if the house is clean and the kids are perfect he finds some kind of problem to holler about.  He has gotten me so afraid that he will use this conviction in his favor.  He has gotten me afraid that I will loose my kids.  And he has the upper hand because he can afford to hire the best attorney to drag me through the mud.  I don't even have money for a legal aid.  He controls our house with an iron fist and the verbal abuse we take on a daily basis is out of control.

When he is not around there is lots of love here. My kids do not hide away. They hang out with me and we are very close. The second their dad gets home they disappear. Its so sad. And I know he likes it that way because he thinks silence and a quiet home means there is no problems and everything is perfect like he wants it to be. Children should be seen and not heard around here. We are in a picture perfect $300,000 dollar house with a manicured lawn. From the outside you would never know how ugly it is inside. I feel stuck because I am on probation and he says he will subpeona my medical records to show I have been on medication for depression, anxiety and bi-polar. Everyday I am reminded about my conviction and my screw up.  He will never let me live it down.  So wouldn't you be on medication too if you had to live like this?

saddenedmom saddenedmom
36-40, F
8 Responses May 9, 2010

Don't be naive....he'd say anything to scare you. Go see a lawyer!

Professional victim by the sound of it

sounds pretty crappy but why did you publish everyone's first and last names???? sounds like you're trying to start some drama.

i am so sorry to hear this is the life tha tyou and your kis are living.is their any way you can go get help and that they can give you a new life and a new beggining?

i feel your pain,i an 27 a stay at home mom.i have been in bad relationships before.my husband now is controlling and has a violent temper.i have to be perfect.i clean the house take care of the kids etc.he wont do anythin g but work.wont work on my car to keep it safe..half the time i dont even have a car.i also have no money and no friends.i had a facebook but he had a jealous rage about that..he said i was talking to guys on there.he watches **** i know it,he wont admit it.he would rather watch **** than have sex with me(and im only 27 and still pretty)i bring it up and he flys into a rage and starts talking about my facebook..he is a narcissist.he is fine if i play my perfect role.if i keep my mouth shut..hes a complete bully..whats worse is he says he a christian.i bring up bible verses but he just says" what do you know about it"..just because i havent read the whole bible.(i doubt he has)but he says he has.last nite he got in my face after i tried to calmy talk about my problem.he threatened to break my laptop.sometimes i wonder what we did to deserve this life..i mean we have soo much love to give..we were so vibrant and full of life.its like they saw our beauty and lite and wanted to put it out..all i can say for us is to just pray..talking and reasoning doesnt work.pray to god for a miracle.i dont even kinow you but i love you..as a sister of god and a woman that has weathered the same heartbreak as i.--if you ever need to talk im here. god bless

I have been married to a rageaholic now for almost a year. When we dated he was sweet as sugar. The minute we got married, he changed overnight. Had he behaved the way he does now, I would have never ever married him. I would have dumped him immediately.<br />
<br />
Funny, I was in a good fr<x>ame of mind when I met him and was a very happy woman. I was ready for a new man in my life and he came right in and made his intentions known.<br />
<br />
He works shift work and is seriously sleep deprived but I refuse to make excuses for him.<br />
<br />
He has a second home in another state. I love that state and would rather live there than in Florida, which I cannot stand the weather and the bugs. <br />
<br />
He has never hit me or called me names. I don't have to work and he makes good money, but he's a loose cannon. The slightest thing can set him off. I have asked him time and time again to get help or go to anger management. He yells and raises his voice when he's in a bad mood. <br />
<br />
I've read Lundy's book and it's spot on. <br />
<br />
If things do not improve by our 1 year anniversary this month I'm packing up and leaving and will live in the other vacation home. It's fully furnished and I know the area. He either gets the help he needs and becomes a better husband or I'll stay in that house indefinitely.<br />
<br />
Plenty of married people live in separate states. <br />
<br />
He either (a) wises up and gets help.<br />
(b) loses his wife as I'll be living away from him indefinitely<br />
(c) he loses me for good as we divorce<br />
<br />
Life is much too short to be unhappy. Part of why I've stayed is that I felt embarrassed to split up after such a short marriage.

GO SEE A LAWYER. It might not be as bad as you think! I'll betcha that if you told an attorney what you posted here, you might find your husband doesn't have as much power over you as you think he does ;-). Oh yeah, find the meanest, dirtiest, junkyard lawyer you can get.....

honey no matter what it took, I would plan a get away in the future. Living your life out this way in misery. I think you are entitled to your share in a divorce. The law has to award you according to income your husband earns. Your children may be able to state who they choose to live with by the age of 12. You may have to put up with childrens service inspecting your home and do some ordered drug test but thats okay, you will gain sanity and peace. You need to talk to someone who can set you straight about you're rights and stop listening to all his big mouth. He is just beating you down to fill his own lack of self esteem.

Yup DO NOT take his word for it. Go see a professional. You call around for free consultation and after explaining his greed the lawyer will most likely realize that he would have to wait until after the settlement to get paid. Many of them are aware of these things and when confident in winning your case will know that they are going to get paid.