I Hate The "man" My Husband Has Become!

In 2006, I met the most wonderful man I had ever come into contact with. I was divorced for 2 yrs. and had been single and not in one single relationship for 4 yrs. before I met him. I was a single mom of one 3-1/2 yrs. old daughter, and I was a full time nurse. He was in the Army and stationed active duty at the Army base a few hours away. He and I met online during the end of 2005, and after a few months of chatting online, we finally decided to meet in person in early 2006. It was literally love at first sight. He was the best man ever. He was loving, affectionate, caring, and wonderful with my daughter. My daughter had never had a father as my ex was never in her life and never wanted her. I was not looking for this man to be her daddy, but he was definitely a great male figure in her life. We dated for almost a year, and it was the best year ever! Within 3 mos. of us dating, we had already pretty much became a family. We even had our first family pics. made. We were already talking about marriage...something I never saw myself doing again. I knew ahead of time of his upcoming orders to deploy to Iraq for a year. I didn't really think that we'd stay together for that long. I figured somewhere down the road all of this wonderfulness would be a sham. I was wrong! 2 weeks before deployment, his unit had their military ball, and he asked me to attend it with him. We had lots of fun. The next day, when we returned back to my house, he asked me that night, if I would marry him. I was so excited and couldn't stop crying. I said yes. This was my dream come true. We had planned on waiting til he got home from his deployment to get married. He was in Iraq for a few months, then he got his 15 day R&R. A week before coming home for his R&R, he told me that he wanted us to get married during his R&R. We were still planning our wedding, so we knew we wouldn't have the actual wedding that we wanted, but I agreed, and we got married at a nice little chapel in his hometown. While he was deployed, he was seeing his friends' wives and girlfriends cheating on them, and he decided one day that I must be doing the same thing because there was no way that a woman would actually remain faithful during a 1 yrs. deployment. It didn't matter that I was working full time as a nurse, that I was in school full time for another degree, that I was raising my daughter by myself, that I had founded and was operating my own non-profit organization to help our soldiers (which I originally started to help his unit), and that I literally lived and breathed for HIM! I was still somehow finding the time to cheat on him. He controlled me from a distance. I had to have my cell phone on me at all times and the ringer had to be on. I had to answer the call within the first ring. If my daughter and I were out spending time together, and he called to tell me he was online, then I had to drop what we were doing to drive all the way home and jump on the computer to chat with him for sometimes as long as 6 or 7 hrs. at a time. Plus, I had to wake up and get ready for work, school, and to take my daughter to school. I also had to throw some sleep in there at times...oh and we can't forget that I had to have my webcam on my computer on 24-7 so he could watch me sleep...he was really just watching to make sure there was no man in my bed. I had no problems with any of this because I figured if I wasn't doing anything wrong, then there was no reason to argue any of this. He came home from Iraq in Oct. 2007, exactly one year from the time he left. Everything was nice for the first few days he was home, then everything changed. He became distant, angry, and uncaring. He didn't want to do any family events with me and our daughter. He didn't want to play with our daughter anymore...and this is a man who used to play Barbies with this little girl! He lived and breathed Iraq when he came home. That was all he thought about. That was all he dreamed about. That was all he cared about. I finally got him to realize that he had PTSD, and he sought treatment for it. Fast forward 2 yrs. to the current time, the past 2 yrs. have been a living hell! He has changed so much since coming home from Iraq. We have been in counseling at different times to try to overcome some of our "issues" that he says we had. He never stuck with the counseling though because as soon as he felt things were alright, he'd stop going. I found out almost a year after he came home that he had been carrying on with online affairs and had been a NON-paying member of several cheating and sex sites. Oh yeah, did I mention that I found all this out 2 weeks AFTER I found out I was PREGNANT with our first and only baby together...the baby he begged me to have for him for 4 yrs!? We tried to work through the issue of online sex addiction (the sites, the emails, the chats, and the ****). I had already grown tired of all his issues, and I had told him several times that I wanted a divorce...especially when I found out about the online stuff. He begged me to stay, said he'd get the counseling he needed, and that we could make this work, so since I loved him, I stayed. All throughout my pregnancy, he was honestly the world's worst husband and first time dad! He was totally apathetic towards me. He complained when I needed his help. He didn't want to do anything for me, and he made me feel guilty when I'd ask him for help. He did not show any enthusiasm or excitement towards the upcoming birth of his first and only SON! The little boy that he dreamed of having his whole life! When I delivered our son, he wasn't like those dads you see on all those TLC and Discovery shows about baby births. He wasn't crying. He wasn't excited. When he saw our son come out of me, he was videotaping it, and you can hear his voice on the video...he was happy, but he wasn't excited and enthusiastic like you'd expect a man to be with the birth of his FIRST and only child...let alone a son! While I was recovering from my c-section, he automatically took on full 24-7 care of our son, which was to my amazement. No one told him to do it, he just did...and it started while we were in the hospital. After a month of our son being home, it wore off..kinda like the toy that gets put back in the toy box. He rarely held him, he never woke up to him, he'd fuss at me if I asked him to get up and help take care of him. He told me that he did it for the first month, so now he didn't have to do it anymore, so the caring of our newborn and the raising of our school-aged daughter was left up to me. He'd come home from work and would barely acknowledge the kids. I'd ask him if he could help with watching our baby and caring for him so I could get a shower, and he'd huff and puff and ask why I didn't get one earlier, and I'd have to remind him that I don't have time between caring for a newborn, caring for our school-aged daughter, and caring for the house. I used to be a nurse, but when we found out I was pregnant, I worked til my first trimester ended, then he told me to quit working and stay-at home. Then for the past 8 mos. of our son's life, he has complained about how I don't work and how it's all on him. Um, excuse me..HE wanted me to stop working! I used to make 3 times his pay working only PART-TIME! I worked full-time for the longest time then found a job making great pay and only working 3 days a week! He had me give up my nursing career to stay at home, then he wanted to ***** at me about not working! For the past 8 mos. of our son's life, I have been his sole care giver. He'd rather just stick our baby in his playpen or exersaucer so that he can do what he wants on his computer or watch TV. In January 2010, I found out that he had begun a sexual affair with a ***** just 2 streets over from us. He gave up 1-1/2 mos. of his time with his kids to carry on this affair. He'd come over when he wanted to and stay for a couple of hours and then leave to be with the *****. I knew where he was going everytime he walked out the door. It hurt, but I just tried to deal with it. He knew he was hurting me, and he didn't care. He didn't care when our daughter was screaming at him to stop going to that lady's house and stay home with her. He just didn't care! Well, after 1-1/2 mos. of NOT caring, he finally wised up over a week ago and ENDED the affair abruptly. He said that some stuff I told him the night prior really hit home for him and he realized he had to stop doing what he was doing and be there for his kids. I was shocked but at the same time didn't believe him. By the next day, he was already trying to work his way back to me. We talked many long hours, and he started opening up to me about the battles he's been battling since coming home from Iraq. He started being honest and keeping his word to me. He was keeping me posted of where he was going and the route he was taking and when he'd be back. I just had surgery Feb. 4th, and it was major abdominal surgery that meant that I could not care for our kids or myself for 2 mos. I'm just now getting to the point where I can care for myself now. I am still restricted from holding our baby though. He has been their sole caregiver and my sole caregiver for the past month now. Hell, he was caring for me and bathing me when he was screwing his *****! That was the hardest thing to endure too! Anyways, he's been doing good caring for us and keeping up the household chores and all since ending the affair. So, he started working his way back to me (sorry, I got off track! LOL)...I finally worked up the courage to even have sex with him PROTECTED of course! (Since he was screwing that nasty ***** with NO protection!) We had sex a total of 5 times on different days, but no matter how hard I tried to enjoy it, I couldn't. I never orgasmed and didn't really get turned on by him. Of course, he got what he wanted though...he had no problem getting turned on and getting his big O. He told me how much he loved me and the kids and how he would never do this to us again. He told me that he never wanted to lie to me about anything. He told me that he wanted us to work on our relationship with each other...even if it meant starting over. I was willing to give him one more chance IF he got all the help he needed for his PTSD, depression, anxiety, and sex addiction. He agreed. Everything was great. He was being affectionate to me like he used to be. Then he told me that he wanted to move out of state with me and the kids since we had already planned on moving out of state due to our pending divorce. I was shocked when he said that because he had said so many times that he wouldn't move out there. I always thought it took a selfish ******* to not want to be near his kids and have them living 6 states away, so when he said that he wanted to move out there with us, I figured maybe things had changed in him. I was becoming optimistic that my kids wouldn't be losing their dad...something I experienced as a child and never wanted my kids to experience. I was even becoming optimistic about us rekindling our relationship and maybe marriage. More importantly though...my kids would have their dad. He started talking openly to our daughter (who is now 8 yrs. old) and making plans to move out there in front of her. He was talking to her about the things they would do when we moved out there. Then last night, he and I were talking...about Iraq and how much it has changed him...what else would we talk about, right? We got to a certain part of the convo, and he all of a sudden got really quiet and started putting on his shoes and socks to go outside. I thought he was going to go outside to smoke like he normally does. He looked really upset about what we had talked about, so I was going to let him go out and smoke to calm down. Well, 20 mins. went by and he didn't come in, so I looked outside and saw that his car was gone. That was at 9 p.m. last night. He never came home! He finally came home at almost 3 p.m. this afternoon...and showed up WITH HIS MOM in tow! That freaking pissed me off. How are you going to be a MAN and bring your damn mom with you so that you can tell your WIFE that you DON'T want to move out of state to be with your kids??? YEAH, THAT IS RIGHT! He freaking lied to us. I don't think he had any intentions ever to move out there, so now our daughter is heart broken because she and her baby brother now only have 3 weeks left here to be with their dad...who was supposed to be moving with us...he was going to get his own place but be close to where they were. Oh and his reason for lying to his kids and not wanting to move out there...HE CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND ME! I ******* HATE HIM WITH A PASSION! He has put us through hell for these past 2 yrs...not including the one year he was deployed and controlling our lives from afar...he begged me to have a baby for him and then he puts him on the backburner...he cheats on me and throws away our marriage for his own damn "high"...he comes back to us and lies to us about his plans just to get everyone's hopes up...then he isn't even ******* man enough to come talk to me himself...he has to be like a little boy and bring his Mommy! So, now we are moving out of state in about 3 weeks. Our 8 mos. old baby boy will no longer bond or really know his father. Our daughter, who is old enough to know what is going on, now thinks that her daddy doesn't love her because he promised her for the past 4 yrs. that he was going to adopt her and give her his last name so she could be like everyone else in the family...and now he isn't doing that either! He's a ******* liar...******* cheating bastard! I hate him!!! THIS IS NOT THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED...THIS IS THE ******* THAT THE ARMY SENT HOME TO ME FROM IRAQ!

jvb78 jvb78
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 4, 2010

Hi jvb,<br />
I know you are in a difficult situation, but be honest to yourself: Do you think he would be a good role model for your children?! Be happy he doesn't adopt your daughter; he anyway doesn't seem fond of her. If he spend more time with his son he would probably have a bad influence on him. The longer he is around them, the more he will hurt them, and you. This man is not going to change. Know why, he has never actually felt the consequences of his own behaviour. He cheated on you, but you neither cheated on him (now, I don't advise that) nor broke up with him. No pain there. If he said sorry or promised to change...that's just words. Once you cheat on someone, you can be labelled a chronic lier (takes a lot of lies to sustain an affair). He basically completely destroyed your relationship (your trust). So, you could say he doesn't start out at 0 points (stranger), but at say -30 (you know he is not a good person). He lied, his words or promises cannot be trusted unless he follows through with action consistently over a long period of time. To me, he doesn't seem willing to do that. Now, you say he changed a lot from when you first met him. I guess we can rightfully assume that the close-knit male company in Iraq had a very bad influence on him. He might have been a mature man when you met him, but those lawless and unprincipled conditions in Iraq have let all his primal instincts come out. I don't think he can even turn back to what he has been before unless he gets into another traumatic situation that has the opposite effect on him. This will most likely not happen. But listen to your gut. What is best for you and your children. I think anyone will recommend you to get out of this relationship. Be brave!