I Just Wish He Would Die

it's terrible. i never expected to feel this way. if you had told me back in the 80's, i would end up hating this man i loved so much, i would have told you you were crazy. we were happy and rarely fought. he was always a little quick tempered, but it was rarely directed at me.  over the years, it was a little rocky at times, but it was usually good. we have a son who is 22 and when he was 17, he was diagnosed with ewing sarcoma, a bone cancer and became a st. jude patient. he is fine now, but it was horror  for awhile. my son and i have always been very close.  during the time he was diagnosed and the time we went to memphis where st. jude is for treatment, my husband had a stroke. so that meant that i did it alone. i took my son to memphis and st. jude, 300 miles from home and faced the ordeal all by myself.  we lived at ronald mcdonald house for four months before being allowed to go home. during this time, my husband was recuperating from the stroke in a sort of nursing home. not long after we got back and we were all home again, my husband started being very verbally abusive. over the past five years, it has gotten worse. it is clear to me that the stroke has caused brain damage, but it is interesting to me that he is charming and nice to everyone else and then verbally abusive to me. he was prescribed prozac by his doctor, but won't take it.  attempts to talk to his doctor failed, when the doctor told me that if i wouldn't bicker, things would be fine. i do not bicker, i defend myself when he calls me names and is otherwise verbally abusive.

as he ages, it is getting worse. he's bi polar, won't take meds for it, threatens me if i say i am going to tell his doctor and just makes me want to slap him. he is jealous of the close relationship my son and i have. i really just can't wait till he dies. it will be such a relief. i'm 17 years younger, but sometimes i get this feeling he'll outlive me and dance on my gravy
library57 library57
51-55, F
1 Response Jul 11, 2010

It is also my fear that my drunkard of a husband will outlive me as well. I willl not leave as I have too much invested e.g. Retirement, etc. He has heart problems so I can only dream for now