I Feel Like A Horrible Human Being But....

Where to start. Well, I have been married for almost four years, and I was with my husband for six years prior to that. Our whole relationship is one long, failed road to misery. Looking back, I should have broken up with him after about a year, but I was stupid and stayed. I really only married him because I had invested so much time and energy into the relationship I felt like I had no other choice. I think he felt the same way about me. My husband is very cold, and can be quite cruel. I hate so many things about him, he is angry all the time, he treats me like absolute garbage, and he is continually mean to our dog and two cats. It's like he has zero respect for me, and the things I find important in life. He lacks any clear emotion except anger. He is always angry with me, always disgusted with me, and continually witholds affection and love until I "change" in some way he sees acceptable. He does not like me, for me, at all. I am so resentful of him, and I can barely say a civil word to him most days. I have never hated anyone in my life, but I seriously wish sometimes he would die in an accident just so I don't have to see him come home anymore. I hate that I feel this way all the time. I get along with people, I don't hold grudges, and this marriage has taken a serious toll on my mental as well as physical health. I am on a number of medications for anxiety and depression, I have gained 70 lbs in the 10 years I have been with him, and I am sad, confused and angry all the time. I never feel good enough for anyone or anything, my self-esteem is truly gone. The worst blow was that he just refuses to have children with me. I am 34 years old and I have been trying to get him to have a child with me for about 6 years. Six years ago I would say our relationship was healthy enough to have kids, now I know that it is not, and while I still want children, I don't want them with him. I think his idea of parenting is a joke, and I wish he was more honest about his feelings about children and parenting before we got married. I feel seriously misled. Now I am getting so old, and I am probably never going to have kids because of him. Even if I could divorce him now, it would be years before I met and married someone else, if at all. By then, I will be too old. I am furious with him for these reasons. This is just the tip of the iceberg but I had to get it out somehow, I don't know what else to do. I feel like I am losing my mind.
coolgirl34 coolgirl34
31-35, F
1 Response Jul 12, 2010

I feel sad for you. You should get out of this relationship before it is really too late.