You Might Need A Psychiatric Hospital If......

For all intents and purposes I married my husband for all the right reasons - I loved him, he loved me, we did everything together and yet were not crippled by needing to be together.  By this I mean that we were as independent as much as we were a couple.

The first few years were great but there are risks when you marry someone who has addictions.  Even if they are in recovery, it is still a risk.  If you are not a "holic" of some form, then it is a little more difficult to comprehend the risks until the relapse hits you square in the face emotionally.  He also suffers from depression but does not and did not take his anti-depressants the way he is/was supposed to.  To even make matters worse, he cannot handle money to save his bottom.  To top things off, he's been married a few times before and he has two kids by two different women.  One ex is enough to deal with but when you have two, it is like sticking your head in the hole where you know the rattlesnake is coiled and waiting.  My kids are all grown and my husband had been killed in a car accident in 1997. I had married my high school sweetheart right after graduation and from 1979 till the time he died, life was very good.  We didn't have a lot of money but we were happy in our lives, raised successful children that are happy and healthy.  My daughter was born in 1981 and my twin girls were born in 1983.   My oldest is now a partner in a law firm and happily married (last year) and my twins are both nurses - one in maternity and the other as an OR nurse.  So when I met my present husband, I was on my own family but my children had given their blessings when we wed.  My new life additions were that of  seeing his two kids on the weekends and it was us during the week.  Other than that, my life was very much still the same.  I still had my career and circle of friends from over a life time.  Part -time mothering was okay for me, but unlike full-time mothering as I did with my kids, it's a little harder to establish a routine, rules and boundaries with them when they are bouncing between homes.

It wasn't until after we married in 2004 that I found out that he was supposed to be taking anti-depressants and that he could not, in fact, handle money.  My husband took them when he felt like it so that he could "feel like a man in bed".  I adore his son who is by all means a little man trapped in a child's body.  He is very mature for his age also.  This is probably due to the fact that he knew the real man that I had married and not the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde that I came to know.  His daughter I love, but I have a great deal of difficulties liking her.  She is in essence a child with severe emotional disturbances and it seems that the more sadistic the situation is, the happier she is.  It should be quite the opposite.

The changes started in 2008 when the wedding ring disappeared.  He told me it had fallen off his finger.   I did not say anything much more about it other than we need to replace it.  He said we would.  That never happened.  My husband is an analyst and when he'd come home from work, the mess started.  Shoes thrown whereever, socks were the same.  He'd grab his coffee or whatever suited him after work to drink and park in front of the computer.  He'd reluctantly come to the dinner table.  It seemed that his emails were more important than our having a meal together and enjoying some "us" time.   

Also, in regards to his children, he decided that being their best friend was more important than holding them to the standards of being a parent.  If they cried they wanted something, they got it.  It was like Christmas 24/7 when they were there.  He said this was because he only got to see them on the weekends and missed so much with them.  There were no expectations of them to clean their messes up or to make their beds even.  And, my belongings suddenly became public property.  Things that I could never replace were broken or lost, money came up missing from time to time from my bag.  Rudeness was in constant practice. 

In addition, it was during this time that he was also starting to have performance issues at work and he would come home grumbling about the lastest with being called into an office for a sit down talk.

Being that I left the house at 7 in the morning for work, and he left even earlier for work, I went to bed about 9 at night and would only stay up later on the weekends.  My husband would sit up till all hours of the night on the computer.  I had no clue what it was he was doing.

To the world, we were a happy couple but in private, life was crumbling down and around us as he started coming home from work or errands smelling like alcohol.  He withheld sex or making love on a regular basis and always had an excuse for why he was not in the mood.  He also began isolating himself as well as me from our families and friends.  He was shutting down and as time went on, he started getting more and more sick physically.

Then in 2009 I came across some of his dabblings.  I confronted him on issues of his drinking and his disappearances.  I asked him if he were having an affair or was cheating on me.  I had only learned the year before that I was his 8th wife.  This was a vast difference from what he had held to as his history when we were dating before we married.

We are now in the middle of a divorce.  He is still being prescribed anti-depressants for his depression and he is actively drinking.  I was also given evidence of his cheating when friends would tell me they saw him at such n such a place with a cute little younger number holding hands or kissing. 

His doctors told him that him that his illnesses were all self created and in his head.  I tried a year ago to get him to go to couples counselling at a counselling center and he refused.  He stated he did not have any problems.  His family is in denial that he has problems.  They have chosen to blame all these problems of his - health, finances, and home life on me and accused me of being the abuser to his kids. 

I guess this is typical of a divorce.  Being that this is my second marriage and my first ended due to death and we were together for years, I have found myself in a quandry as to how to handle some of the issues.  I started going to Al-Anon when I first saw the drinking problem erupt.  It does not take a monkey to work the rocket controls to know that when you smell alcohol, that alcohol has been a part of your day.

The finality of it all is now the divorce proceedings. 

I used to love him but now all I can do is loathe him.  His physical temper is enough to scare Superman. 

I miss my step-son.  He is the innocent in all of this.  As for my husband and his daughter, they both need to be admitted to a psychiatric ward and medicated properly.  However, I will not condone cheating, lying, financial ruin, alcoholism, etc.

I've found I'm much happier with him being gone but I fear him due to the drinking.

doreegirl63 doreegirl63
2 Responses Jul 27, 2010

I can't and won't try to change him. My husband made his decisions that offset the course that we are on now. I cry for my step son. He truly is a blessed child but my step daughter I fear will be her own downfall to her behaviors and actions. It truly is terrifying to see two people that are so far out there. I was alone and happy before I met my husband. Now I am just working one day at a time to regain my happiness. I am not allowing his diseases or his daughters diseases to drag me or my family down.<br />
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Yes you are right. It is sad!

This is such a sad story. Can you tell me anything you have learned about human nature from this? What has it done to you?