Chapter 1

I am calming down. I am taking a deep breath. I am looking at this from above and without the emotion.

I have been married 16 years. I should never have married this man, but I have decided that the one reason I will be grateful for the past 16 years is my children, who are beautiful and wonderful. If I had not married him I would not have them. So, that brings me peace.

I think that is important. There is something good out of this. Would I like to have the kind of relationship where you are best friends, share secrets, talk about feelings, feel free to have an honest discussion, share in the work of life? Yes. But do I have that no. That's fine. That was my choice.

I am torn. On one hand I would like to be a younger parent, but I waited to get married. So, the lesson? Choose wisely. I did not. I was young. I didn't really know what I wanted or expected.

When we were dating he already started the pattern of everything was my fault. We went to counseling, but after several years, I realized he would always agree with what the counselor said, but then he never changed his behavior. I should have stopped back then. I didn't. I always thought it would get better. I didn't realize it would always be the same. It would always be my fault.

Ex: He complained that we spent too much time together, so I stopped going to his house every day, which of course meant I wasn't sleeping with him every day, having sex every day. Next time we were in counseling, he complained that I was emotionally cold and wasn't having sex with him. I explained that he said he didn't want to spend so much time together, so I wasn't going over as much. The counselor told him that is what you said. That's not what I meant, was his response. Right, have sex with me, but don't hang around.

Should have left.

I have realized there is no way out of this mind set, because as far as he is concerned there is nothing that is his responsibility. Every single thing is the other person's fault when your starting point is always.... The other person just has a bad attitude.

If I ask him to clean up his own mess. I just have a bad attitude. If I tell him he's yelling at the kids constantly, that's just my point of view. If I get yelled at because I open the trunk of the car, I was looking for a mess and I made him get anxious and I have a lousy attitude that is at the root of every problem. 

It is tiring.

noworse noworse
1 Response Jul 31, 2010

He sounds likes he really sucks. Why don't you go out whenever you get a chance?