He Has No Respect For Me What So Ever.

We've been together since I was 15. We married 4 years ago and had a beautiful baby girl 2 years ago. She's an amazing little person and we both love her very much. The main problems in our marriage revolve around the fact that he gives 110% at work and doesn't have any time or energy left for us.
I work part time 24 hours a week at a local hospital. He is a plumber and leaves at 6am to go to work and returns home at 6-7pm Mon-Fri. I clean, cook, pay the bills and watch the baby most days, unless I'm picking up extra hours for money, which I do most weeks. During times when I'm at work his mother watches our daughter, save for the one day she's at daycare (his decision, I'm not happy with it).
He arrives home from work, leaving a trail of dirt/snow/and clothes across the floors I spent time cleaning...plops on the couch, eats the food I've cooked, and watches TV until he falls asleep on it. If anyone tries to talk to him....you get one word responses if any and seems generally uninterested in what you're saying, BUT if one of his friends calls from work, he chats loudly and happily on the phone with them about various (seriously idiotic) topics.
He's VERY messy and does nothing to help repair our house when things need fixing. He's generally nasty and unbearable and will tantrum like a child when he doesn't get his way, and God forbid you ask him to do something, like take the garbage out (which I normally end up doing anyhow).

I just do so much to make his life easier, and he does nothing but make mine harder. If there's a holiday to be celebrated, he'll find a way to make it completely unpleasant....we didn't go to prom, we didn't have a bridal shower, wedding, or house warming....I feel like I'm missing out on all the milestones in my life because he doesn't think these things are important....so every day is just one....long...repeat of the last.

We recently tried grocery shopping together on one of his rare days home from work during the week due to a storm, and he huffed and puffed about having to go the store with me...upon arrival, he decided we should speed up the process by splitting up....as I got things from the deli (which he complained about because he likes things pre-packaged)....he yelled across the produce section to me about how every item I asked him to get "tasted like monkey ***"...."Granny smith apples are disgusting! We should be getting red apples!"...."Provolone cheese is awful! Get American cheese!"....."No! Don't buy that kind of fruit cup! The baby likes THIS kind!".....its just overwhelming....

He doesn't asnwer his phone when I call, or curtly says, "I can't talk" and hangs up.

Just so sick and tired of being treated like an ******* who can't make any decisions. Not being respected, when I do so much....I welcome the days that I work because people there love working with me and appreciate that I'm intelligent. It's an escape, a chance to get away...what I really would like is for him to come around, accept some resposibility around the house, actively be part of our little family, instead of being such a hurtful bastard who is the wet blanket in every situation.

I've asked him to see a counselor about his being controlling and not being able to handle his emotions effectively. He says I'm bipolar and I'm the one who needs help. Untrue.

If it weren't for the baby I'd be gone already. Just trying to coexist in the same environment without killing each other right now, but his being a filthy, slob, packrat is making THAT impossible too.

I just don't know what to do....getting more depressed every day. There doesn't seem to be a good answer here, and I don't feel like I can talk to any one else about it. My own mother just says, "Well, you knew how he was when you met him."...

So ******* fed up.....and stuck in my situation. There has to be a good answer in there somewhere, if someone else has any and I'm missing it, I'm open to suggestion.

Hazeybear Hazeybear
17 Responses Jan 25, 2011

I know what you are going thru iv'e been married to a scum bag like that for nine teen years. Nothing changes only gets worse. My kids are teenagers and taught them how to treat me like ••••. I am planning on leaving him come spring. When i was reading your story it was like i was reading about my life. Get out now before you baby one day realizes how daddy treat mommy. She will in turn get treated the same. Do it for you first than your baby. As the years go on he will only get worse. My husband does things on purpose now to get me upset. Dont let him think your crazy, he is the crazy son of a •••••. My husband says i am crazy. He used to hide how he treats me from my family now he does not give a damn. He show them and proud of it. I know its going to be hard to leave my home but before i either kill him or have a break down i have to take this step. I know i will be better and happy in the long run. Good luck to you and your baby.

Did ya'll break up?

Leave the *******, You can do far better than him.

I can relate to most of what you said except we don't have children yet. Having said that my husband has all of the same traits: works hard (I can understand he's tired), lazy with everything, asking for one small favor is insulting and becomes an argument, feels entitled , the list can go on forever......

My next step is talking to his mother! She is wonderful although I'm not sure how this will fly with her but it's worth a shot. She needs to know how shocked I am that her precious son is seriously a bad reflection on her and treats me like a live in slave not even maid!
I'll keep u posted on how it goes.....

i was with the same type of person for 26yrs and three kids later. he ended up texting to me "we are done, dont u get it, we are done" and left our family home to move in right away with his boss. he a teacher and she the principal. they use to talk and brag how they are helping broken kids because the community is dysfunctional native reserve. well now my kids are broken. i have been trying hard to move on which has given me time to reflect and see how much of a liar, cheater, and will not change kind of guy he is. Also, very abusive, physically, emotionally and financially. i had to always give him who worked fulltime...my money when i worked part time. just like you, i paid bills and paid for everything for kids. i never got birthday wishes merry christmas etc. he was having an affair for years behind my and kids back for years. Now he chose her over kids and family.

he sounds just like my husband
i know how you feel im 47 and have 3 kids from another marriage
he works all the time and when he is here he is rude messy toltally ignores me he s just like yours my life is hell

Thanks for sharing, seems like he's in denial, i went through something similar, its hard to get a man to respect you if his love for you is not being manifested, try to talk to him let him know how you feel, Steve Harvey said on his show "if a man wont attend to a womans needs such as her concerns or feelings then she is not the one for him because why would.a man who loves his woman not attend to her needs? Men can change but he change for the woman he truely loves" sound rough and hurtful but makes sense.

Omg!!! This a truly awful story , you are a good woman and do not deserve to be treated like this! What a self centered angry worthless slob your husband is.
Please ask yourself do you still want to be here like this 5 years from now??
You are worth so much more, if he refuses counselling then issue him with an ultimatum, either you go or he does.
Your baby and you will be fine , don't you have other means of support ?Parents Relatives etc who can help you out with a schedule to work around with your work hours and your child?
This man will not change without professional help and I am bit sure he loves you the way he behaves
Please finally put yourself first and move on with your life
Blessings and love to you
Sue x

They hurt you then deny it or brush it off like nothing while you are hurting inside. I am one of these people who stays for the sake of the kids. You got the house the kids everything u thought u wanted but you're never good enough they think your job is to clean cook and take care of the kids that's it and who cares about u and your feeling? I have never been this lonely in my life I thought being married I would finally find my soulmate but I'm actually miserable I keep trying to keep my happy face on and just cry myself to sleep at night

I was in your situation 30 years ago! Here is my advice - GET YOUR SELF A GOOD EDUCATION OR TRADE!!! One that you know you can make a living off of. Do this while married to the $&@!?! Wait until your child is in the first grade. Put money away into a bank account that HE WILL NEVER FIND OUT ABOUT! And then LEAVE the $&@!?&! Before you waste any more of your GOOD young days on him! And the last bit of advice is DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN!!!

Oh my god as I was reading this I was listening to myself! I think our partners (mine now ex) must be cut from the same mould! I sat one day and thought to myself will I ever be happy with him? Answer being NO. So I told him to leave. I feel so unappreciated and disapointed that I do not have my family unit, but I would cry all the time. I am here to talk if you need to. Kelly x

Hey- I may have a bit of an insight to what he feels, and can assure you it's not your fault-- both of you. Anyway if you can't get these guys into treatment, professional, split. Medication can help. What about his mother? My father died a week before I was born, and then my mother had some stuff. What kind of stuff is she made of---his mom? Also---he, or they, probably do not know how they come across, or how bad they sound. That's important to have them not be in denial. Like Dr. Phil says (& for what ever reason my wife doesn't put much into what Dr. Phil says) you must realize you have something that needs working on before you can get started. If these guys say to hell with treatment, again I say run away, but be safe when doing it if they tend to be dangerous.

i hate receiving attitutde from my husband i understand how you feel. i've had a couple of major events as well (surgery, graduation, holidays) and he always fnds a way to make it unpleasant. it usually invovles him being extremely RUDE or his mother. <br />
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right now he just gave me attitude. i don't undestand what is the problem with him. i think he needs more guy friends to channel that masculine energy but he has none, so he's always using me as punching bag as well for insults and just general rudeness and attitude. GOD HELP ME PLEASEEEEEEE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Stupid me because I had done this a number of times. I typed all this stuff here, then clicked post, but forgot to Log In & it all disappeared. Maybe cause I log in with my facebook accounts. <br />
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Anyway I believe you need to seek advice from a professional. Talking to a psychologist would help you to put an importance to whether this marriage is worth saving, or working on. I think he would also have to attend with or without you depending on what a good psychologist decides is best. He/she might do both- seeing you both at same time, & split the two other times. Seeing a professional help you to understand what he is doing, why, & if it's worth you working too. I can't see why anyone should stay in such a marriage only to suffer. I can understand the fear of being alone, a single mom, but I dare say you might be better off, & happier in the long run. Very possible you would wise you had done it sooner. <br />
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I do not wish to make Jam mad because I can understand where he is coming from too, but we could all do better in our marriages. I can understand his job bringing him down. I'm retired for now unless the economy gets bad again. We get by anyway. Wife is a retired school teacher, but she subs now & then. I can't lie & say we don't have our own problems, & I could do much better. I do clean the kitchen after our meals, vac & map house & she does the other, take out trash, & this & that. Still I could do more.<br />
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I think it's possible your love to bleed out for this man if you guys don't work things out better. I don't know for sure, but sometimes enough is enough, & you may wish to move on. It's tough being a single mom, but maybe you could also talke to someone who can advise you what you might expect if you have to move out. Yes I'm leaning toward you getting out of this marriage, unless he is willing to change some.

I do love him Jam. The thought of even being with someone else doesn't cross my mind. It's kept us together for 15 years. He's just a very difficult person and I wish it were easier, at the very least, I wish he appreciated the things I do instead of minimalizing them and complaining about his job. Maybe one day.

This is exactly what my wife says about me. I only read your blog because this was on the computer when I came to it! The truth is, we man are naturally just like you describe your husband. When I come home I want to kick back, veg out, and get some loving from my wife. Of course, that usually doesn't happen becuase she's yelling at me telling me to change the baby's diaper, take out the trash, help fixing dinner while my older kid is bugging me the whole night to play with him. Work sucks, our lives suck and the few things that would keep us going disgust our wives. However, I still love my wife, even though it seems that all she does is complain. When I read your blog, it helped me understand why. Like I said, all men are naturally selfish and lazy, like myself. But most of us are fighting this to become better. The major thing that keeps me going is that my wife forgives me and tries to love me, even after I act like a jerk. If she didn't, I would give up and let myself return to my caveman roots. Some men have given up, I don't know if your husband has. But now you have a choice, you either stick with him or leave him. Do you love him at all anymore? If probably won't get better. But just to let you know, I think he loves you. That's why he keeps going to his sucky job every single day and coming home to you. It's just hard to be a good man and husband, as I'm sure it is hard to be a good wife and woman. Good Luck!

Please go, yourself, to see psychologist, soon. I could be wrong, and your psychologist would know better than I, but it sounds like this one is as good as dead. If so, I guess you would have to decide to stay under same conditons, or get out and face the world on your own. It's possible life would be tough, then again, you might find another more meaniful relation, but don't just jump into another. You need to unload with someone who understands what you are dealing with. If you decide to get out, then you and your psychologist can decide a process to go through that might limit the damage he may try to bring on you as a result of you leaving him. I can't know if he would harm you, but if he might, you need guidance, a process, & a plan. Seek an attorney I assume soon, if you decide to leave him. It sounds like he will treat you badly as long as he gets away with it. If he is dangerous, that limits you actions as far as telling him to go to hell. Perhaps your mom would help by letting you live there if you think you could get along with her. You need help with this, and I hope you seek it soon, and wish things will improve for you soon. OH- you're not alone, others have gone through the same I'm sure. I also believe group therapy is helpful to understand you're not alone.